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Everything posted by tasteofmetal

  1. Dang, that's a bummer, Miche31. It must really be difficult to have that when trying to treat something that's already often hard to treat. I hope you and your doctor can find something better for you. :)
  2. I'm having the same things, basically. Reduced appetite, and maybe slightly elevated anxiety level. Definitely tolerable side effects for now. I'm hoping (but not holding my breath) for a reduction of symptoms at one week like some people say they experience. Hope you're still feeling well too!
  3. This sounds like a very difficult situation. However, as the previous poster said, I think it's good that you've written all of that out and have had a chance to get a better perspective on things. Especially at the end when you stated that you intended to title your post "my therapist traumatized me," but then realized that that wasn't actually the case. It sounds to me like regularly journaling might be incredibly helpful for you, just based off of your experience writing this post. I think that writing out your feelings and then reading them back to yourself gives so much clarity to what you're experiencing in your mind. I'm not going to get down on you for kicking your therapist and breaking in/vandalizing her office, because I know you know that those were poor choices. I would just advise for you to take it as a learning experience, and next time you feel like doing something like that just try to stop for a second and remember that it's not going to help you in the end. As for whether you should fess up or not, that's up to you. Like you said, there may be severe consequences for confessing, but that may also come with a lot of relief. If you don't confess, it might eat at you for a while, that is true. I'd advise getting a different therapist if you can, outside of the school. That way you could have someone to talk to about these things and others. Just make sure that when you go you're focused primarily on yourself, and be aware of your history of attachment and aggression with therapy, and make sure you are very, very cautious that it doesn't happen again. I'm sure it will all work out in the end for you, and you will come out stronger and wiser for having gone through this.
  4. I love Little Miss Sunshine! :) That's a good one. Some movies I've considered favorites/have obsessively watched in the past: Thelma and Louise Juno **** Bill Jennifer's Body Django Unchained Baby Mama (Haha, I'm not even sure why... but I used to watch it all the time.) And I'd probably say Little Miss Sunshine as well. It's hilarious and weirdly touching at the same time.
  5. Even if you don't like the idea of therapy and medication, this still seems to be a great resource for people suffering from depression. For me, every time I feel really effed up, I can come on here and read similar stories and supportive messages. You can vent here, and you will get support. I think that's great, and when you need it it can be very relieving. I think it's relieving just being on here and feeling like I'm not in this alone. There are tons of us. Please consider at least trying it out here for a while. I haven't encountered anything but good intentions and positivity since I joined about a week ago. I'm sure everyone will welcome you with open arms.
  6. Hi Gart. I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. Depression can be really really tough. If most people consider you lucky, it's probably just because they don't understand mental illness. My only advice is to try to have compassion for yourself, and understand that you didn't ask for the depression, you don't deserve it, and it's not your fault that it has a negative impact on your life. If you have insurance or can figure out a way to do it, I highly recommend trying therapy. Also, I know you are uncomfortable with medication, but it can really help people sometimes, and it might be worth a try. Depression is an illness, don't forget. I wish you all of the luck and happiness in the world, and I'm confident we can all get through this and get better. :)
  7. Yeah, that's the thing with these new ones. No generic, so a lot more expensive. That's funny, my doctor also didn't want to prescribe me another ssri because of sexual side effects I experienced on Paxil. I'm on day one as well now! I hope it works well for you too. Fingers crossed! It might be interesting to see how our experiences compare.
  8. Wow, that sounds incredibly frustrating. I have clinical depression, but I hadn't ever heard of anhedonia until now. I've gone long stretches where it seems like I felt nothing. I remember being with the guy I was definitely in love with, him embracing me and me just feeling nothing. And it was like that with everything - TV, outings, whatever. Anything that had been enjoyable to me in the past then served only as a distraction. While still depressed, I think I've mostly come out of that. I feel for you that you've had to go through that for a year - that must have been very difficult. I think that as you get older and experience more you will have a better idea of if you're gay or not. I know it seems like a big important thing, but at the end of the day it's just a label you slap on to describe the type of people you like. And if you don't know now, I'm sure you will figure it out in the future. Labels aren't as important as we make them though, and they don't work for everybody. Sexuality is a lot more fluid for some people than others. Don't lose hope about coming out of your anhedonia - if it's anything like depression in general then there are options for treating it and getting better. This sounds like a rough time, though, and I'm sorry you're in that situation.
  9. I'm sure it's annoying for me to bump this old topic, but I just feel the need. Gay culture is as diverse as gay people. Not every gay guy at the club is going to want to dance in the mirror and sing Madonna lyrics at the top of his lungs, just like every straight guy at the bar isn't going to want to flex his muscles in your face while yelling about batting averages. I'm just trying to say that it probably isn't very useful (imo) to generalize to such a degree as to say that all or even most gay guys who exist in "gay culture" are biotchy and dishonest/unfaithful. I've met many more gay men who prefer monogamous relationships, and want to get married and have children and all of that stuff. I'm none of those things - while faithful in committed relationships for my partner's sake, I am open to casual sex while single, I don't feel guilty about sex in any way, I don't usually feel any particular emotional attachment before, during, or afterward. But many of the gay guys I've met (probably in some form of "gay culture") have been more traditional than that. That being said, I get how the stereotypes can be off-putting, especially if the first experiences someone has with the LGBT community mirrors them. Being gay has been a very taboo thing for a very long time, and that causes people to associate some really negative feelings with those stereotypes, the gay "lifestyle", "gay culture", etc. I remember when I was really struggling with coming to terms with being gay, and thinking "okay, I like guys, that's fine, but do I have to be one of those people? Really?" Because all I could see were guys dressed up in leather at some parade holding a rainbow flag and being provocative, and it was ugly to me. I don't mind those things now, but back then I hated them. I hope you have better experiences with gay guys in the future, and know that it's not an exclusionary club. Your values are perfectly fine and there are a lot of people (even gay ones) who hold the same views. :)
  10. Any update on how you've been tolerating it since then? Has it already started helping your symptoms? I'm curious, as I'm about to start on pristiq as well.
  11. If you did well on Zoloft, why not try Prozac or Lexapro. Those might go over more easily with your insurance. (I honestly don't know, though.) I'm about to start on pristiq after trying a very low dose of Zoloft (and getting suicidal from it), Paxil, and Buspirone. I had the genesight genetic test done, and pristiq was in my green list so I'm hoping it will work okay for me. I had to have my psychiatrist get it pre-approved with my insurance in order to get pristiq, though, since there's no generic.
  12. SSRI side effects can be a huge pain. When you're experiencing the lows from it, just try to remember that it's not the status quo and that they should fade after a while.
  13. You're completely justified in feeling hurt by the way your husband responded to your vulnurability when discussing your depression with him. I agree with the earlier posts - maybe he just really doesn't understand depression. I think because depression and other mental illnesses are "invisible," it makes non-sufferers especially likely to forget about it or not take it seriously, especially if the sufferer is really good at putting on a happy front most of the time. I think you should talk to him about how you feel now, and tell him that the video he showed you is stressing you if you haven't. You might want to put yourself on that waitlist. It could be helpful, even if you have to wait a while for it. I admire your courage in overcoming that adversity in your early life. It sounds like you've done some really cool things since then.
  14. You say that you aren't worth anything because you're dysfunctional and suffer from these mental illnesses, but yet you also say that you value fairness. My question is whether or not you would view someone else as unworthy who was suffering through the same things? Surely you would have compassion for that person, and understand that he/she has suffered from things that normal people wouldn't even imagine, and that because of that suffering this person especially deserves to be happy. Be fair to yourself, have compassion for yourself, and know that you do not deserve the afflictions that you face. Taking these steps to get better is worth it, because it means you're fighting for your own happiness, which I think is admirable when someone is in such a difficult place. I think the best world would be one in which everyone could be happy, regardless of what they have or haven't done. Everyone deserves happiness because nobody deserves depression, anxiety, or any mental illness.
  15. Hey, thanks for replying to my thread earlier. :) I agree that isolation plays a huge part in depression for a lot of people, myself included. I'm already socially anxious as it is, and when I feel depressed as well I just isolate and hide from the world and other people. It can turn into a rally nasty cycle of depression and isolation that just repeats itself, with the depression seeming to compound the longer it goes on. And yeah, I agree that the world can seem like a very hostile place at some times, especially during depression. I usually try not to view happy people in a me versus them way though, because in the end I really do want to be like them. I want to be at a steady-state of happiness, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. But I understand that feeling of hatred, almost, when looking at people who seem 'happy.' I hate that they have a happy life and a happy brain and that they take it for granted. But I don't actually know what those peoples' lives are like, I don't know what they're going through. And I shouldn't hate them for being healthy, because the alternative is that they're unhealthy like me, and I really don't want any more people to deal with this crap. Haha. I also think that when someone is really depressed and isolatory, things other people do can come off as a lot more hostile than they were actually intended. I'm sure those people weren't trying to shut you out or hurt you, and even if they were there are seven billion other people in the world who might be more open to you. At the same time, though, I understand feeling like you need to put on a front, or act in a way that seems weird to be able to talk to people at first. I do that sometimes too, where I'll just put on a certain persona at first just because I'm not really comfortable with them yet. But I've found that as time goes on and I get more comfortable with that person, the acting fades away and my real personality becomes more apparent to them. I think it's worth it, though, because that's just what some people need to do do make friends. I would strongly suggest speaking to a counselor and a psychiatrist, if you're open to it. They might be able to help you feel better and develop coping skills for when you feel really down. I've had an overall good experience with it. I hope you can figure it out and do what you need to to pull through it - I know you can do it. :) Believe in yourself, because you are worth it, and you deserve to be happy as much as anyone else in the world does.
  16. Hello everyone! My name is Logan. I've been suffering from severe depression ever since about half way through my first year in college. I was a 4.0 student, ambitious, and (seemingly) highly functional up to that point. But then I felt so terrible, and so anxious as well, and my psychiatrist put me on a low dose of Zoloft at that time. After that I went totally suicidal. I felt lower than I ever remembered feeling up to that point, and the only thing going through my mind was my own corpse. I was taken off of the zoloft, then a couple months later went in to try something else, this time mainly for social anxiety issues. I was put on Paxil, which seemed to work really well at first. Then, about three months later I had a major breakdown. I had heard some story on the news about some terrible incident of child abuse, and it just set me off on this weird nihilistic depressive episode. I sort of got over that after like a month. And then I was living with this guy I was dating. During that time I just stopped caring about everything. I was stoned for most of the day, every day, and there was one point where we would just lay in bed and smoke cigarettes, using the floor as an ashtray. Then we started fighting all the time because neither of us had jobs, and it turned really awful at the end. There was a domestic "incident" involving him holding me hostage. It was a really violent, scary night and I had to pound on the walls in my apartment building for someone to call 911, as he had smashed my phone. Now I have a restraining order out against him, but it's just so weird still and I miss him so much sometimes. He was the first guy I ever really REALLY loved. Too much. That was the end of our relationship, though, and it happened about three months ago now. I've had some of my worst depression since then, but I'm trying so hard now to get better. I've been going to therapy regularly, and have tried so many meds with my psychiatrist, who thinks that seratonin-affecting medications make me suicidal. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless, and it's so painful to look at a potential life-long struggle with depression. I worry about how it's going to effect all of the dreams I've had. I was studying Japanese in school and planned/plan to go to Tokyo for a year to teach English after I graduate, but now that just seems like it would be so... difficult. I don't know. I try to stay positive, I try to meditate, I try to do what I need to do to pay rent but it's soooo hard sometimes. It's so hard just to exist when there's this evil cloud over everything. I'm hoping this forum will be a good support place, because I feel really guilty calling my mom to complain to her. Hahaha. Besides depression I love to write. My dream is to become a self-sufficient writer and novelist. (I know, how cliche.) I'm an analytical person, I love to think, I love to have deep conversations with people, I love politics, I love debate. There are tons of things I love, when I can remember that I love them.
  17. It's really tough to be in a relationship that is your entire life, especially when you're the type who suffers from depression. I know me and my last boyfriend had a really intense, volatile relationship, and when it finally ended it felt like everything was crashing down, and it exacerbated my depression so much. One thing that has helped me a lot is just going to therapy regularly. (Medications have helped sometimes but also presented nearly unbearable side effects at other times. But I'm holding out hope for something that works still.) I had to do a lot of work (still workin' on it) to recognize my unhealthy thought patterns and then try to change them. It's really hard to enjoy life when you hate yourself and the world, and I totally did for a while there. I still do sometimes. Just know that if you're at rock bottom now, it's probably going to get better. I'm sure there's something you're good at, and I'm sure you'll find someone who is a great match for you. Life sucks x1000 right now for you, but people do get better all the time, and there's no reason you can't be one of them. :)
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