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Dizzard

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  1. To be honest I don't really feel sad these days. (I think I felt sad before, but I think I was too caught up in myself to notice anything was wrong) Now I don't think about myself as much (if I do it's usually at night), I don't worry, I just exist. I don't really think about anything relevant, I just am. (I think if anything significant came along to challenge me I'd be destroyed though) It's more like I'm just doing the same thing day in and day out. I know I don't want it and yet I don't seem to do anything about it. I've told myself I was going to do something countless times but I never do, it's like the command gets erased almost as soon as I create it. I feel literally incapable of planning my life. I'm not really living a life right now. I still live with my parents. I have a best friend that I hang with once every two weeks, I don't think he'll ever ever know how much he means to me. He's the only person I feel truly human around and I think without him I wouldn't have any perspective at all. So I must be depressed right? I can feel happy occasionally (but it's like brief buzzes and almost always towards trivial things) but it just feels like I'm becoming a robot. Plus I think self worth must be kind of alien concept to me, any time I try to do anything for the betterment of myself I become very uncomfortable and weirded out (sometimes I just feel apathetic towards it), it's something I've always struggled with. Anything good that has happened in my life I've sort of being carted along into, I might have made some choice but that was only because the choice was thrust in my face. I think I'm afraid of life in general or something, I remember in college a professor came up to me and told me that such and such a company was hiring and I had such a sick feeling in my stomach, it felt like he was dropping a weight on top of my head. Whenever I think about getting a job the first thing I think about is getting fired. So I just stay in one spot like a robot and feel like a robot day in and day out. I don't get challenged so I don't have to use my emotions in any real way. I think I've become a bit snappier and colder in recent weeks. (although I don't think people are really noticing it all that much) I don't know if this is really depression or I'm being a drama queen, I do sometimes wonder if this is all under my control and I'm just playing a game on people. Like if I had some kind of self control maybe I wouldn't be feeling or acting this way. To be honest that possibility scares me even more than depression. That I'm just like this naturally.
  2. I typed out a really long emotional thing where I basically spilled my guts out but then there was a database error and it's gone now. Now I can't be bothered. Hey.
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