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About SarahF83

  • Birthday 11/21/1983

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    sports, photography, food

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  1. Feeling very s***ty today. I had to leave work early because I was so depressed and anxious. I am embarrassed to go into work tomorrow and face my co-workers. They probably think I'm crazy. I am always sad and anxious in the mornings and sometimes I can't take it.
  2. I'm not sure if it matters what type of medication it is but I have quit cold turkey before (don't remember which kind as I've been on so many) and it was horrible. I was sick for over a week with awful brain zaps. I couldn't sleep, work or eat. I've been on Wellbutrin for over a year and it has not helped my depression or anxiety at all. If anything, I have become more so. I've lot 20 pounds since being on it and I am afraid I will gain it back so I am hesitant to switch. Is this your general doctor or your psychiatrist? Can you get a second opinion from someone else?
  3. I was hoping you guys would say the memory problems, not being able to focus, etc. is from the medicine but I know too well it is the depression causing it. My doctor told me and I refused to believe her. I guess it is just easy to blame the medication. As I said, I work in a busy office where I am constantly interrupted by phones and people coming in which makes it even more of a battle to focus. I ask my friend/coworker to help once in a while and she really doesn't seem to mind but I feel guilty because she is my superior. electric_blonde, I hear you all too well. There are some days that I know I am not going to get anything done and I give up. Sometimes I will go home early because I feel so useless. I have been thinking about switching medicines but for now I have decided to lower my dose and see how it goes. I do have a Facebook account but rarely go on there. I like to see pictures of my nephew and niece and updates about a rescue I am semi involved with. I have about 50 or so friends (deleted a lot of them) and there is only one person on there I have actually hung out with. Orso, I did go to the meeting but it was cancelled. I am trying not to take that as a sign...I did meet two people who seemed pretty nice and said they go regularly so I am going to try to get my butt over there this Wednesday. It's funny, I am 99% certain going to these meetings will help but it is such a struggle for me. I have been doing better these past few days. I am trying to busy myself more than usual because it is when I am home alone with no one to talk to I am feeling at my worst (and I used to crave being alone for the longest time!) For example, one day after work instead of going home, I went to the mall and walked around for a few hours. I didn't have anyone to talk to but just being around other people made me feel better. Thank you for your support, it means so much to me.
  4. I am very good at hiding my depression from strangers/acquaintances. I can't seem to hide it from my co-workers. I have always been an invert, quiet person but recently my depression has gotten worse and my co-workers have sensed it. I am scared they think I am crazy and question the way they look at me sometimes. My one co-worker/friend is so sick of my negativity, mood swings, etc. she has pretty much stopped speaking to me except at work and even then I think she is just trying to be nice and get through the day without upsetting me. She was my only friend and I messed that up...
  5. I have always been confused as to whether I am gay, straight or bi. I am fairly certain I am a lesbian but because of my depression, social anxiety, hatred of myself I have never been with a women or have been in a serious relationship. Now I am at the point where I am scared of physical contact. I can't imagine kissing someone let alone sleeping with them but I am scared of being alone the rest of my life. I have joined a few MeetUp groups but have never attended one as I worry they will think I'm ugly, stupid, weird, boring (again hating myself). Anyone else here have a fear of intimacy?
  6. I am feeling so alone and depressed today. I rarely have suicidal thoughts but I can't stop thinking about the bottle of pills in my bathroom and swallowing them all. I have completely shut myself away from making friends my whole life and now I am wanting them in the worst way. The only friend I have is my co-worker who seems to like me but I can't fathom why. She used to invite me over and text me a lot but I have shut her out and have been nasty to her for no reason over the last year that I think she is sick of me. We play scrabble (not words with friends but similiar) and when she starts a game with me I get so excited because someone is thinking of me and wants to do something with me. ME! I look at myself in the mirror and see an ugly, underachieving, stupid girl. The pills I am on don't even help me most of the time but I am too lazy/anxious to call my doctor. I should be seeing a therapist but, again, I don't call. I am on wellbutrin and I believe they are doing more harm than good. I am an administrative assistant in a very, very busy office and I can't seem to concentrate on one task. I could look at a letter I am typing for ten minutes before I actually finish it. Then I have to triple check it because I have been making so many errors lately. I am constantly worried my co-workers think I am stupid. I half listen to people, half read things. I start to read something and then my mind wanders and I forget what I just read. I will think of something I have to do, walk ten feet and then forget what I got up to do. I refuse to think I have always been like this as I have always been praised for my job performance. I even won employee of the month! My brother just asked if I was ok and I said not really. He told me to feel better and left to hang out with his friends. I come home from work and have nothing to do and no one to talk to. No one texts me or calls me. I get a text once in a while (usually from my parents) and I feel good for a while but it is short lived. There is a DBSA meeting tonight (anyone ever been to one? If so, how was your experience?) that I am trying to force myself to attend. I suffer from social anxiety and it is not easy for me to talk about my feelings or thoughts. I am hoping to just hide in the back and listen to other people and not have to speak. I could keep going but I won't. I am kind of a lurker on here and I have read many posts that have made me feel better. Some of them are so spot on as to how I am feeling it is amazing.I am very thankful for these forums and hope to make some friends on here.
  7. Glad to know I'm not alone either! I will go from being totally happy and carefree to depressed and anxious. I then get very frustrated and hostile because I am so depressed and can't stop it. It's a never ending cycle.I was thinking it was my medicine but my doctor insists it's not.
  8. I feel like an alien most of the time. I go through the motions and try to act like everyone else but it is just a disguise. All I want is to connect with someone too. Thank you for your service and for helping those in need.
  9. In my head I always tried to describe it as a cloak of darkness that surrounds you, engulfs you and you can't escape no matter how hard you try. When I wear this cloak I feel worthless, dejected, stupid, ugly. Of course, if I try to tell anyone this I think they would look at me like I have two heads. So I don't bother. Although, emotional cancer is perfect.
  10. I force myself to exercise everyday. Even if it's just a bike ride or walk at lunch time because I know it makes me feel better. Last week I asked a co-worker if I could walk with her during lunch. I was very proud of myself ;)
  11. I haven't had friends for years and relished being alone. Now I am regretting alienating everyone who ever cared about me. I am slowly trying to reach out to people but it is very hard for me as I have a fear of intimacy and no confidence in myself. I always told myself that I hate people but now I feel I need them.
  12. Feeling lonely and very depressed. I am dreading going to work tomorrow and looking people in the eyes. I am seeing my doctor in the morning to switch medicines (again) so I am trying to stay positive that I will feel better in a few weeks time.
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