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Everything posted by thursdayschild

  1. At this point in my life I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. But I feel like there's no point. There's just me and my husband, our parents are all deceased, our families are also deceased or scattered, never were close to any of them anyway. We're in our 60's and I'm lucky (I know I am) to have a job and I'm lucky (I know I am) to be working from home, but it all feels pointless. Why bother doing dishes, they'll just get dirty again. Why bother getting dressed, I don't go anywhere. Why bother <insert anything here>. My favorite activity is sleeping. And I do a lot of it, especially on the weekends. I don't find any pleasure in shopping for clothes, because for what? To sit at home at my computer? There's nothing to look forward to, nothing to do but get older and not be able to do anything anyway, and then what - end up in a nursing home sat in a common room pointed at the television and Wheel of Fortune? How do I get out of this? I'm not even sure I want to get out of this? What keeps you going when there seems to be no point?
  2. Does anyone find help on this site? It just seems like there's a bunch of us trapped in our own miseries and we come here and post about it, but how does that help anyone? I'm stuck in this rut of depression and I *know* what to do (exercise, get out, just do things, blah blah blah) but I have no motivation. It feels like my life is over and I'm just waiting to die. I'm working from home which I thought would be paradise but I can't focus, and I feel guilty that I'm being paid and not doing much work. I do what I need to and no more. I wish I could just quit, but then what? I can't quit, of course, I’m the sole support of my family. I wish I could just stay in bed all the time.
  3. It's funny how the same situation or trigger can make different people think/react differently. I'm sitting here in my house with the window open and I can hear someone in the neighborhood playing music and talking and laughing outside, probably in their yard. My knee-jerk is, people are out there having a good time and I'm excluded. I'm not invited, I would never be invited, because for some reason that I haven't been able to figure out, people don't like me. In fact, everything in the world points to the fact that people don't like me. I've felt this way since the age of 5. So those people are out there having fun, talking and laughing and playing music, and it feels like hostility towards me. Part of it is, we've lived in this suburban neighborhood for almost six years, and at first we were invited to neighborhood gatherings and parties. Then it stopped. The thing is, I don't know if they've stopped because they stopped or because we're no longer invited. I can't invite people over here because our house is not very nice. My husband is a hoarder and I've given up. But that's a different story. I sleep all day (I just got up and it's 4 p.m.) because I literally do not want to be awake with my thoughts. I feel so ashamed of our house, our lives, I feel like we don't fit in here. Now I'm just rambling so I'll stop here for now.
  4. I can't imagine what this situation would be like if I was still in the grips of my anxiety disorder. I used to be afraid to go out because of agoraphobia. That's long gone but I can only imagine how horrible that would have been. A lot of people are scared, but we can't let it completely stop our lives. If you feel better going out wearing a mask and gloves, a lot of other people are too so you won't be too conspicuous. I too know what it feels like when nobody understands, and you don't want to burden people with your troubles. That's why you can come here and vent.
  5. Tired, discouraged, hopeless, ashamed, guilty, __________ fill in the blank with any negative emotion. What do you do when you just feel like giving up and life is an uphill struggle... ?
  6. I'm almost 59 years old, which means I'm almost 60, and I've been asking myself that question for as long as I can remember. Why do other people interact with each other so easily? What is it about me that seems to scream "talk to her differently, treat her differently, don't befriend her..."? What secret do all the others know that somehow I missed? Can people really take one look at me and sum me up completely, judging me unapproachable, unlikeable, not right, not "one of them"? I remember feeling this way in kindergarden. I still feel this way every day at work. Don't get me wrong; I do have friends, I do have pleasant small-talk conversations with co-workers, but I still feel like an outsider. Did it start when I was very little, and found out that not everyone else has a home life consisting of at best, a drunken father passed out on the floor and an anxious, angry mother too preoccupied with him to fully interact with her children? At worst, a father who wasn't drunk enough that night to pass out so there would be a shouting match and sometimes violence - at least once involving a knife? Other kids might have been home playing with their siblings, who they actually got along with, instead of each sister hiding in her separate bedroom rather than supporting each other, because of the intense rivalries? Other kids might be having a pleasant time around the dinner table with their families. Dinner at my house was something you bolted down so that you could be excused from the table rather than have to endure the heavy silence full of hatred and resentment. Did I miss something in life - something that makes me an "other" - rather than a "part of things"? Is it visible on my face, is it a smell, or a temperature or - what? How can I fix this?
  7. Wow, it's been a long time since I've logged on, the site has changed again! My doctor's office called me today and told me that for the third time, my blood sugar reading says that I'm a full-blown type 2 diabetic. I'm not really surprised as my health has never been a priority with me, my parents were both type 2 diabetics and so is at least one of my sisters. Now that this keeps happening (hence the "third time" phrase in the previous sentence), I have to face that fact that this may really be true. I told the doctor I did not want to take medication but wanted to try lifestyle changes first. She actually agreed to this. Now the kicker. I don't want to make lifestyle changes. I am too in love with carbs and sugar and cupcakes and ice cream and I love to bake cookies and pies and cakes... A plate full of vegetables for dinner sounds so BORING and unpalatable. I feel like all the enjoyment has been taken out of life. I turn to food when I'm upset or depressed or angry. It's something to look forward to when I've had a bad day. It just pisses me off that this is happening to me. Yes, yes, I know, there are a lot worse things out there. But I still feel this way.
  8. thursdayschild


    Wow it's been a while since I've been on here. I have depression and for the past year or so have been switching medications trying to get relief. I was originally on Prozac and Nortriptyline (for sleep) and have been switched to Wellbutrin (insomnia was horrible), Effexor (still with the insomnia), and Lexapro (horrible anger issues, worse depression, bad insomnia). Now I'm back on my old friends Prozac and Nortriptyline and I'm beginning to feel "normal" again. Still depressed, but sleeping is better now. Not great, but better. ANYway... I just found out that someone who I considered a best friend, who I grew up with from the age of three, like a sister to me, had cancer surgery about three months ago and didn't tell me. I found out from her brother. She wrote to me to say that she only told three people and she was waiting to hear her final prognosis before she told anyone else. That was months ago, she found out she is cancer free. But she still never told me. Now, we hadn't been in touch for many years until we got together on Facebook about six years ago, but despite that, when you grow up with someone and you're very close as children/teenagers, that bond is for life, right? Although I shouldn't be surprised... my own actual sisters keep these kind of secrets too. Surgeries, prison sentences, you name it. Somehow that doesn't bother me as much because we have never been close. But today I feel down about this... I don't have many real friends and now I'm doubting if I have any. This is the kind of treatment I get from "friends". I'll be eating lunch with someone, having a conversation, and then one of their other friends will come in and my lunch partner will tell her, just sit down, and, they proceed to have a conversation about something I'm not a part of, and I'm sitting there eating lunch like an *****. This has happened more times than not. It's like I'm always the friend that people will hang around with only until something better comes along. When I was a kid, it was because we had a swimming pool. These kids ignored me in the winter, but in the summer, boy, I was their best friend. I'm almost 60 years old and I feel like I've never had a real, true friend. I thought it was my friend that had cancer, but now I'm not so sure. That really, really hurts.
  9. I went back to my doctor. She gave me some Vistaril for sleep, and last night I slept like a baby. We discussed everything at length. She thinks my symptoms are due to Effexor withdrawal (it was very quickly tapered) and not the Lexapro. She urged me to keep taking the Lexapro for at least another two weeks and see what happens. I have other health issues going on besides depression, any of which can be muddying the waters diagnosis-wise. Plus a lot of stress at work, and I am facing neck (spinal) surgery. Today I feel much, much better and almost myself again.
  10. I am mainly taking this because the other antidepressants were causing me insomnia and my doctor (who is not a psych) said Lexapro does not do that. Yet I am reading about others who are on Lexapro and complain of insomnia. If I don't get some sleep soon I will go crazy. I am not functioning. I have been on Lexapro for almost a week and I am a basket case. This is worse than the original depression. Are you sure that these side effects will go away and I will feel better????? I almost feel like just going off all antidepressants and maybe I'll feel normal. I have to work and function and I'm having great difficulties doing that.
  11. I was on Prozac 30 mg and 25 mg nortriptyline for sleep, for panic disorder and depression, for 24 years. Depression got much worse a few years ago so my docs been switching me to various things. First it was Wellbutrin about two years ago which was great for the depression but I couldn't sleep so I went back to Prozac/nortriptyline. A few months ago the depression was worse again so we tried Effexor. Again with the insomnia, so four days ago I started Lexapro 10 mg instead. I feel antsy, kind of sick, headachy, jumpy, weepy, stressed, restless... will this go away????? Should I stick with it? I hate to switch yet again.
  12. I wanted to make this a forum post but I couldn't seem to find the appropriate forum. Lately I've been very frustrated with my job. It's been mildly frustrating since I started, almost three years ago, but the frustration has been getting rapidly worse and I am starting to feel a lot of anger. I want to switch jobs but I'm afraid to start looking because I have been in such an angry mood that I don't know if I'm making good decisions. And then I feel anxiety. I'm not included on any decisions that end up directly affecting my job, even though I have 20 years of expertise that could be helpful to them in making these decisions. Because of the growth of the company, I'm not sitting with my department co-workers, but with another department. What ends up happening is that I'm forgotten about by my own department and the people I sit near don't consider me part of their team so I never hear about things that are happening in my company. I also don't get included at lunchtime. I don't blame the people I sit with but I'm angry at the others in my department. I am also the only one in the company who does my job, so when I run into problems with the actual work I have nobody to turn to for help. My boss, who is not the one that hired me but a replacement who came after I was there a year, does not seem to like me, so I know that I can't go to him to voice any concerns. In fact he has actually said at one point that he doesn't like to hear about people's problems. So I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm anxious... I stayed home "sick" today. Could this have anything to do with the fact that I lost my mother in March of last year and then I lost one of my best friends (my cat, but he was more than a cat!) unexpectedly in December, just one month ago? Is that why I'm having trouble coping? I cry almost every day and my thoughts at night are very dark. How can I face a job search in this frame of mind?
  13. Hmmm... if they have learning disabilities it does not mean they are not very intelligent. Book smart isn't intelligence, it's stuff you've learned, isn't it?
  14. The reason my blog is called "I Think" is because that is the root of all my problems. Well my depression/anxiety at least. I'm not saying this to brag, but although I'm not formally educated, I have a pretty high IQ. I think that the majority of people on here probably do too. It's us thinkers who get into trouble. We just think too much. I think the less intelligent people, the simple people, are probably much happier in life. Because they aren't stuck in their heads. We think we can think our way out of depression, when it's our very thoughts (negative) that are keeping us stuck. We wallow in the mud that we create in our minds, and we wonder when it's going to get better. Well it's not going to get better by wallowing in it. Our negative thoughts and negative self-talk are bad habits. I am so very guilty of this. I'm constantly monitoring my mood, constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking I'm coming up short. I see others here all doing the same thing. Thinking is bad. If only we could completely switch off our minds and take a break from the constant stream of thoughts.
  15. Oh here's a hug! You sound just like me. And reading what you wrote, it feels like I could have written that, but somehow when it's me I feel hopeless but when it's someone else I feel like I can give advice. The thing you have to tell yourself is, you're wired differently than some people. Not "everyone else", it just seems that way. I too feel sometimes like I'm the only weirdo in the room. But you are who you are and that's perfectly fine. So you're an introvert. So you're a loner. There is nothing, nothing wrong with that. It's who you are. I can tell that you don't accept yourself, that you think you are damaged, that you think you have to make the effort to be like "everyone else", to be what someone else wants, but you don't. There are so many more of "us" out there than you can imagine, but we isolate ourselves so we don't find each other. I too have a hard time accepting myself. I wish that we could start a "loners club", somehow to get together and do and say the things we like to do and talk about, the things that the "normal" people call "boring". Instead of trying to pretend to like the things "they" like, and faking your way through social situations. (I know that feeling - after parties I always feel depressed and hopeless.) Instead of being ashamed that you'd rather stay home and watch obscure foreign films than go out on the town. I don't know how to make it all better for you, but I hope this helps somewhat.
  16. Love the picture. Does it actually say "Happy Thanksgiving"? Funny because I have some former co-workers whose tradition was to go to a Chinese restaurant every Thanksgiving. Is that a "thing"? Anyway lucky you! I know how those family get-togethers can be. Have fun!
  17. Insomnia is horrible and it's why I had to go off the Wellbutrin. Which is a shame because it really did make me feel better. Hope you get something sorted out at your appointment today!
  18. When my cat drapes himself over my head and purrs when I'm in bed. He doesn't do this very often but it's adorable.
  19. It's frickin' freezing in Ohio. Just three days ago it was 70 degrees.
  20. thursdayschild

    sucky weekend

    Yeah, as predicted, I slept in both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday until 2:45 (!) and Sunday until 1. I managed to do laundry on Sunday but nothing else. So the kitchen is still disgusting. The equipment for my second job came in on Saturday - it's work at home, as many or as few hours as I want to. I thought when I got the equipment I would jump right in but not this weekend. In a foul, black mood. This isn't the life I wanted.
  21. I'm about to start a second job. Meaning, an additional job in addition to my first full-time job. So I spent 30 bucks on something - doesn't matter what it was - and H (husband who hasn't held a job since 1999) blew up at me. I SOOOO wanted to say "If I am the one earning the money I should be able to spend a lousy 30 bucks once in a while on whatever the hell I want." Because I NEVER spend money. I'm a f**king r*t*rd and I didn't say anything so I'm sitting here fuming. I had big plans to clean the kitchen tomorrow but now I'm probably going to sleep in until 2 p.m. What the f**k difference does it make if my kitchen is clean. I don't care if the whole house gets full of filth and vermin. I'll be too busy working two jobs and maybe I'll even have an affair to boot. Why the hell not?
  22. Thank you. I've been guilty of the negativity too, even though I feel the same way you do about it. I used to visit this site every day, now I rarely do and when I do it's usually just to go to the Water Cooler or something. Negativity IS the illness, it's our thought patterns that are keeping us stuck. I used to think, a long time ago, that I would find the magic therapist who would wave a magic wand and I'd never be depressed or anxious again. That's not how life works, folks. I get tired of reading about the hopelessness and the same old, same old that people write here every day. I've tried, too, to give advice. I once had a therapist say to me, "You don't WANT to get better." And I was angry with him for a while. But that's what I want to say to some of the people here sometimes. If you really, really WANT to get better, you will find a way to claw yourself out of the dark hole. It's so easy to get up and say "What's the use" - I think I even wrote that myself here a few weeks ago. But YOU are the only person who can help yourself, others can try to help you, but if you don't accept help and try to follow advice you're going to stay in that hole. I'm certainly not saying it's easy, or that I'm perfect. I'm just saying cognitively I KNOW what's causing my depression, maybe not the root of it, but what perpetuates and feeds it which are my negative thoughts. Just my 2 cents.
  23. My mother had a lot of these. I'm not sure how to spell this, but "crimin' nettlies" ??? Can anyone shed any light on this? My father in law had a great one: "You sound like a man with a paper ass."
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