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thursdayschild

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About thursdayschild

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  1. I'm almost 59 years old, which means I'm almost 60, and I've been asking myself that question for as long as I can remember. Why do other people interact with each other so easily? What is it about me that seems to scream "talk to her differently, treat her differently, don't befriend her..."? What secret do all the others know that somehow I missed? Can people really take one look at me and sum me up completely, judging me unapproachable, unlikeable, not right, not "one of them"? I remember feeling this way in kindergarden. I still feel this way every day at work. Don't get me wrong; I do have friends, I do have pleasant small-talk conversations with co-workers, but I still feel like an outsider. Did it start when I was very little, and found out that not everyone else has a home life consisting of at best, a drunken father passed out on the floor and an anxious, angry mother too preoccupied with him to fully interact with her children? At worst, a father who wasn't drunk enough that night to pass out so there would be a shouting match and sometimes violence - at least once involving a knife? Other kids might have been home playing with their siblings, who they actually got along with, instead of each sister hiding in her separate bedroom rather than supporting each other, because of the intense rivalries? Other kids might be having a pleasant time around the dinner table with their families. Dinner at my house was something you bolted down so that you could be excused from the table rather than have to endure the heavy silence full of hatred and resentment. Did I miss something in life - something that makes me an "other" - rather than a "part of things"? Is it visible on my face, is it a smell, or a temperature or - what? How can I fix this?
  2. Wow, it's been a long time since I've logged on, the site has changed again! 🙂 My doctor's office called me today and told me that for the third time, my blood sugar reading says that I'm a full-blown type 2 diabetic. I'm not really surprised as my health has never been a priority with me, my parents were both type 2 diabetics and so is at least one of my sisters. Now that this keeps happening (hence the "third time" phrase in the previous sentence), I have to face that fact that this may really be true. I told the doctor I did not want to take medication but wanted to try lifestyle changes first. She actually agreed to this. Now the kicker. I don't want to make lifestyle changes. I am too in love with carbs and sugar and cupcakes and ice cream and I love to bake cookies and pies and cakes... A plate full of vegetables for dinner sounds so BORING and unpalatable. I feel like all the enjoyment has been taken out of life. I turn to food when I'm upset or depressed or angry. It's something to look forward to when I've had a bad day. It just pisses me off that this is happening to me. Yes, yes, I know, there are a lot worse things out there. But I still feel this way.
  3. thursdayschild

    Friendships

    Wow it's been a while since I've been on here. I have depression and for the past year or so have been switching medications trying to get relief. I was originally on Prozac and Nortriptyline (for sleep) and have been switched to Wellbutrin (insomnia was horrible), Effexor (still with the insomnia), and Lexapro (horrible anger issues, worse depression, bad insomnia). Now I'm back on my old friends Prozac and Nortriptyline and I'm beginning to feel "normal" again. Still depressed, but sleeping is better now. Not great, but better. ANYway... I just found out that someone who I considered a best friend, who I grew up with from the age of three, like a sister to me, had cancer surgery about three months ago and didn't tell me. I found out from her brother. She wrote to me to say that she only told three people and she was waiting to hear her final prognosis before she told anyone else. That was months ago, she found out she is cancer free. But she still never told me. Now, we hadn't been in touch for many years until we got together on Facebook about six years ago, but despite that, when you grow up with someone and you're very close as children/teenagers, that bond is for life, right? Although I shouldn't be surprised... my own actual sisters keep these kind of secrets too. Surgeries, prison sentences, you name it. Somehow that doesn't bother me as much because we have never been close. But today I feel down about this... I don't have many real friends and now I'm doubting if I have any. This is the kind of treatment I get from "friends". I'll be eating lunch with someone, having a conversation, and then one of their other friends will come in and my lunch partner will tell her, just sit down, and, they proceed to have a conversation about something I'm not a part of, and I'm sitting there eating lunch like an *****. This has happened more times than not. It's like I'm always the friend that people will hang around with only until something better comes along. When I was a kid, it was because we had a swimming pool. These kids ignored me in the winter, but in the summer, boy, I was their best friend. I'm almost 60 years old and I feel like I've never had a real, true friend. I thought it was my friend that had cancer, but now I'm not so sure. That really, really hurts.
  4. I went back to my doctor. She gave me some Vistaril for sleep, and last night I slept like a baby. We discussed everything at length. She thinks my symptoms are due to Effexor withdrawal (it was very quickly tapered) and not the Lexapro. She urged me to keep taking the Lexapro for at least another two weeks and see what happens. I have other health issues going on besides depression, any of which can be muddying the waters diagnosis-wise. Plus a lot of stress at work, and I am facing neck (spinal) surgery. Today I feel much, much better and almost myself again.
  5. I am mainly taking this because the other antidepressants were causing me insomnia and my doctor (who is not a psych) said Lexapro does not do that. Yet I am reading about others who are on Lexapro and complain of insomnia. If I don't get some sleep soon I will go crazy. I am not functioning. I have been on Lexapro for almost a week and I am a basket case. This is worse than the original depression. Are you sure that these side effects will go away and I will feel better????? I almost feel like just going off all antidepressants and maybe I'll feel normal. I have to work and function and I'm having great difficulties doing that.
  6. I was on Prozac 30 mg and 25 mg nortriptyline for sleep, for panic disorder and depression, for 24 years. Depression got much worse a few years ago so my docs been switching me to various things. First it was Wellbutrin about two years ago which was great for the depression but I couldn't sleep so I went back to Prozac/nortriptyline. A few months ago the depression was worse again so we tried Effexor. Again with the insomnia, so four days ago I started Lexapro 10 mg instead. I feel antsy, kind of sick, headachy, jumpy, weepy, stressed, restless... will this go away????? Should I stick with it? I hate to switch yet again.
  7. 'Nuff said.
  8. I wanted to make this a forum post but I couldn't seem to find the appropriate forum. Lately I've been very frustrated with my job. It's been mildly frustrating since I started, almost three years ago, but the frustration has been getting rapidly worse and I am starting to feel a lot of anger. I want to switch jobs but I'm afraid to start looking because I have been in such an angry mood that I don't know if I'm making good decisions. And then I feel anxiety. I'm not included on any decisions that end up directly affecting my job, even though I have 20 years of expertise that could be helpful to them in making these decisions. Because of the growth of the company, I'm not sitting with my department co-workers, but with another department. What ends up happening is that I'm forgotten about by my own department and the people I sit near don't consider me part of their team so I never hear about things that are happening in my company. I also don't get included at lunchtime. I don't blame the people I sit with but I'm angry at the others in my department. I am also the only one in the company who does my job, so when I run into problems with the actual work I have nobody to turn to for help. My boss, who is not the one that hired me but a replacement who came after I was there a year, does not seem to like me, so I know that I can't go to him to voice any concerns. In fact he has actually said at one point that he doesn't like to hear about people's problems. So I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm anxious... I stayed home "sick" today. Could this have anything to do with the fact that I lost my mother in March of last year and then I lost one of my best friends (my cat, but he was more than a cat!) unexpectedly in December, just one month ago? Is that why I'm having trouble coping? I cry almost every day and my thoughts at night are very dark. How can I face a job search in this frame of mind?
  9. Hmmm... if they have learning disabilities it does not mean they are not very intelligent. Book smart isn't intelligence, it's stuff you've learned, isn't it?
  10. The reason my blog is called "I Think" is because that is the root of all my problems. Well my depression/anxiety at least. I'm not saying this to brag, but although I'm not formally educated, I have a pretty high IQ. I think that the majority of people on here probably do too. It's us thinkers who get into trouble. We just think too much. I think the less intelligent people, the simple people, are probably much happier in life. Because they aren't stuck in their heads. We think we can think our way out of depression, when it's our very thoughts (negative) that are keeping us stuck. We wallow in the mud that we create in our minds, and we wonder when it's going to get better. Well it's not going to get better by wallowing in it. Our negative thoughts and negative self-talk are bad habits. I am so very guilty of this. I'm constantly monitoring my mood, constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking I'm coming up short. I see others here all doing the same thing. Thinking is bad. If only we could completely switch off our minds and take a break from the constant stream of thoughts.
  11. Oh here's a hug! You sound just like me. And reading what you wrote, it feels like I could have written that, but somehow when it's me I feel hopeless but when it's someone else I feel like I can give advice. The thing you have to tell yourself is, you're wired differently than some people. Not "everyone else", it just seems that way. I too feel sometimes like I'm the only weirdo in the room. But you are who you are and that's perfectly fine. So you're an introvert. So you're a loner. There is nothing, nothing wrong with that. It's who you are. I can tell that you don't accept yourself, that you think you are damaged, that you think you have to make the effort to be like "everyone else", to be what someone else wants, but you don't. There are so many more of "us" out there than you can imagine, but we isolate ourselves so we don't find each other. I too have a hard time accepting myself. I wish that we could start a "loners club", somehow to get together and do and say the things we like to do and talk about, the things that the "normal" people call "boring". Instead of trying to pretend to like the things "they" like, and faking your way through social situations. (I know that feeling - after parties I always feel depressed and hopeless.) Instead of being ashamed that you'd rather stay home and watch obscure foreign films than go out on the town. I don't know how to make it all better for you, but I hope this helps somewhat.
  12. Love the picture. Does it actually say "Happy Thanksgiving"? Funny because I have some former co-workers whose tradition was to go to a Chinese restaurant every Thanksgiving. Is that a "thing"? Anyway lucky you! I know how those family get-togethers can be. Have fun!
  13. Insomnia is horrible and it's why I had to go off the Wellbutrin. Which is a shame because it really did make me feel better. Hope you get something sorted out at your appointment today!
  14. When my cat drapes himself over my head and purrs when I'm in bed. He doesn't do this very often but it's adorable.
  15. It's frickin' freezing in Ohio. Just three days ago it was 70 degrees.
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