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Anonymous85

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  1. Not to dig in to your past or anything, but may I ask how you are experiencing it? I think it will help me to not feel alone.
  2. Thank you so much guys! Means a lot to know that there is someone somewhere knowing what I'm going through and understanding some of it. Sadly there is no psuchriatist that I can trust myself to.. Because here is the issue: I am so aware of my distress and where it stems from, that just the idea of starting to explain it all to a new person is a really heavy task.. Because I feel that I have to talk to that shrink for 200+ hours before he/she can start to understand that "hey, this patient is actually really aware of where it all stems from", and given that I am going through so much stress, I cannot bear the thought of starting with this now, which would further exaggerate the stress that I am feeling. If I am to find a new shrink, I really need to know that he/she is a good shrink that I can talk to, and that they are aware of how aware I am beforehand.. I cringe by the thought of them asking "what do you feel about that right now?", "Are you angry with this person now?", "How was your childhood?".. All these barebone questions, so simple (yet effective for many, I know). To me it's a daunting task and I don't know if I can handle that stress... Those 20 hours I had with my previous shrink, I was horribly dreading to go there. Three days prior to the appointment, I started to stress and dread for the meeting, because i KNEW that she would not understand me to the fullest. I know that these process is a lengthy process, and that it should take more than 20 hours to start healing. But it's the stress around it that's breaking me even more.. I've developed eye disease CSCR directly because of stress, my stomack problem with gastrisis and hernia, inflammation and really bad gut health because of stress is also breaking me.. Just the thought of going to a shrink is going to be the straw that is breaking the camels back. I need to try to find a softer way to enter this whole shrink domain.. Maybe by doing what I am doing right now, writing to you stranger kind and caring people, It really helps!
  3. Thanks. Sorry for late reply, I didn't get notified in my email when the first answer appeared. It's very interesting aspect, that I may portray my feelings on a fantasy character. Those feelings gets really strong sometimes. And I think my broken relationships broke me really bad and made me doubt myself very much in all such new relationship situations.. Like, I'm constantly thinking that I am a lesser person than everyone else around me. And I always put others before myself in pretty much every social setting.. My best friend and also my brother is also telling me that I might find it harder to start a new relationship not only because of that self-doubt, but also because my looks are above average (Not saying this to boast or brag).. That people tend to subconsciously demand more of me than they do of others.. And that with my extreme sense of hyper-empathy I pick up on that very fast, and in turn makes me even more insecure. I have tried to talk to a shrink, but after a while I came to the conclusion that it's of no use for me any more. They had some basic steps to cope with anxiety and all of that, but my core problems are very deep, and I am very aware of them. Half of the shrink's job was already done when I walked in that door the first time, because of that. I think I need to find a way to cope with my depression and suicide thoughts some other way.. I need to take back my lost self esteem somehow, just don't know exactly how.. A friend of mine says I should use what I have, the looks, and start using it and just start believe that I am good enough for someone. She told me from a female perspective that I (again, not to brag or boast) am dangerously handsome and that I should start using that.. But like you guys have seen in my first post, I am not much of a believer in myself. To me it seems to bring me more disappointment than any good. I wish I was more average and not judged up and down all the freaking time.. People seems to get scared of me and have a distance as soon as they can. Putting out rumours that I am arrogant and all that.. Why? Maybe I didn't see that person at a party or something? See, I do not only FEEL I am being judged, I obviously am being judged.. And this is very hard to cope with when dealing with depression and low self-esteem and also extreme sense of loneliness.. I'm soon 34 years old and I feel it's too late.. That I should have coped with this way way before.. All of my twenties has not been anything other than tragedies upon tragedies. I'm stuck with extreme guilt, shame and self-disgust. Guess it's a trait I was given by a horrible family and an even more horrible ex wife. Just sucked all the life out of me and killed me from within.. I just don't know where to start anymore
  4. Feel free to move the thread if I posted on the wrong one. Was not sure where to post this.. Or delete it alltogether if it's too weird, which I know it is.
  5. It's been a few years since I last visited this forum. So much have happened in my life, and I have learned so much about myself and how to cope with some of my depression and anxiety. In fact, I've actully managed to get my self-esteem back. I know my limits now and I have gone from suicide attempt six years ago, to a semi-happy person. But I'm not gonna lie, things are not perfect.. In fact, after a divorce and two broken relationship afterwards, I'm broken. I'm 33 years old and I still often feel that my life is over. That it's too late to find a new girlfriend or wife, that no one will care again etc etc.. Depression is still there, even though I have managed to control somehow. I feel extremely lonely at times. There is one area I have not managed to control at all, and I have no idea where it stems from.. I can get this intense sad feeling. Sort of hyper-empathy(???) if you may call it.. Let's take an example. I have this app on my phone that's called "Help 113". An app for instant ambulance in case of emergency. One of these days I was scrolling through my apps and I saw this one. I immediately in my head heard an innocent person yelling for help. An innocent person that has not asked to be born in to this word.. I hear him/her cry for help while they burn slowly to death in their appartment. Their screams and cry for help and no-one can hear them.. I feel this intense sadness, and I also think about this fictive person's past. Him or her's childhood.. Their interests.. Learning an instrument, learning to cook, saying "mama" and "daddy" their first time. Their smile and joy in life, just to be ****ing killed the worst horrible way out of nothing.. I have another example also, it's so absurd and weird that I have no words for it.. I was scrolling through this tech magazine online. I saw that nVidia (a graphic card computer company) has made a new technology so that far less computing power is needed for running games at fluid framerates.. And then all of a sudden I think of ATI, their competitor, and that nVidia has ****ed them over again and again.. Then I suddenly start to think of ATI employees. I imagine nVidia ****ing them over so bad that all of the employees are ultimately left without jobs. And then dies of hunger etc.. What about the employees families etc etc.. It's so ****ing absurd I have no word!! My brain is playing out the whole scenario in the worst of ways. These things have stuck with me since I was a child. My old psychriatist had no explanation for it. She just called it depression.. I have this ability to intensively put my self in other people shoes. And to make the matter worse, I have an extremely strong memory of things that are related to feelings.. If I have said or done someting to my previous girlfriends that made them cry or something like that.. I feel their pain still after so many years. I still feel and hear their cries and despair. I can even open up my kitchen closet and find a blender that I got as a gift from my previous girlfriend, and I immediatly picture her as an innocent being that made economically and emotional sacrifices just to give me (a ****ing shitty person) a gift. She gave that gift to me from hear heart... Obectively I know that I'm not the sole reason for the breakup, we both had responsibilities.. But I still take ALL the responsibilities when such feelings occurs. And I start to cry... I can't handle gifts, because they tie me to the negative things that I've done to that person, instead of appreciating the love.. I'd rather not get a gift at all.. Now I'm just left with extreme anxiety to **** up my next relationship.. How the hell am I supposed to NOT be afraid to lose that next relationship? These intense hyper ematphic feelings can occurs right out of nowhere. Even just a few minutes after I've felt extreme happyness, I can be hit by this intense epic sadness because of some fictive episode in my head.. Key part here is that it is ALWAYS an episode in my head that triggers it.. Which makes me believe it's tied to traumas. So it's not COMPLETELY out of nowhere. It lies there, lurking all the time. And an extra question to someone that might be able to answer this: Why do I feel that girls are steering clear of me? I feel that girls sees me as an alien. I know I have good looks, I can play the guitar very well, I can sing, I can show affection and love.. I don't understand why I feel that it is so hard to get someone to be interested in me.. I'm not taking a sucker role in social settings. I'm actually pretty funny most of the times also.. I feel alone.
  6. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it. I will try to remind myself of that.. Yesterday I was with a friend and his wife, suddenly I was comparing myself with his other friends and I thought "hmm maybe I'm not as interesting as the other ones".. Those thoughts can really bring me down. I'm constantly trying to fight those thoughts but it's a battleground like no other.. Sometimes it feels like those thoughts is a part of me that cannot be removed. I so get it. Once you get on that train of self-deprecating thought, it can be a really tricky labyrinth to get out of. Those sorts of things cause you to spiral, a lot. It is a very tough fight, but definitely one worth going through. Remember to think of all the moments that have made you super proud and reiterate your self worth--everybody has that! Us socially anxious people may always be our worst critics, but that doesn't mean we have to be unhappy about it. Yesterday I tried something different.. I felt the same way and I tried a different approach. I said to myself "Stop being so self-centered man. How do THEY feel?", instead of my usual habits of "What do they think about me at this moment"..I actively repudiated from my usual habits, and I think it went very well.. I was harsh to myself and I actually told myselfthat I was self-centered.. I think that self-pity is one of the worst thought one can have in a situation like that..
  7. Thanks for taking time to respond to my post. I will try to keep the negative thoughts away and also not ruminate. I think that ruminating is my biggest enemy in this.. I am greatful for all the replies I've got here. This helps me more than you guys realize. I feel I'm not alone in this, and it really helps me just knowing that there are people on this forum kind enough to reach out a helping hand! Thank you everyone!
  8. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it. I will try to remind myself of that.. Yesterday I was with a friend and his wife, suddenly I was comparing myself with his other friends and I thought "hmm maybe I'm not as interesting as the other ones".. Those thoughts can really bring me down. I'm constantly trying to fight those thoughts but it's a battleground like no other.. Sometimes it feels like those thoughts is a part of me that cannot be removed.
  9. Thank you! Yes you're definately right about that... That is also a major issue I'm having.. Ruminating far too often, and every day..
  10. If there are anyone out there with similar experience as me, I would like to talk to you. I feel it's a strange situation and I don't know how to deal with it actually. It's out of my control, or so it seems.. Not knowing when I'm freaking out and get anxious is also creating some sort of anxiety itself.. anxious about getting anxious.
  11. Yeah, but I have a problem doing that.. It is something that is throwing me off, and I get scared.. I think the problem lies a lot deeper than that. It's a problem I have had my whole life. I really don't know how to deal with it, and I wonder if anyone else feels the same way that I do. But belive me, I'm trying it. Sometimes I manage to get through with it, and sometimes I don't :/
  12. Hi folks! This will be my second post about my issues. I often find myself getting extremely nervous around people, even people I have known for a while.. I get anxious and I doubt myself at that spesific moment.. Like I'm getting a moment of "out of myself experience" where I look at myself and the person I'm speaking to from the outside, and that I am being a spectator of myself.. I then put negative thoughts in to my head in that moment saying that I am inadequate or someting similar. Even worse if it's a girl that I want to impress or I want to get to know better.. While this phenomenon is very strange to me, there are another part of me that makes this thing a bigger mystery for me. That part of me is my extremely confident behavior that I sometimes get in to.. It's like I'm entering a state of extreme confidence, and that nothing can bring me down.. Those moments are usually triggered by an ice-breaker of some sort. And when that happens I am the person who is the party-starter etc.. I do not know what makes me snap in or snap out of a state like that. When I am inadequate, people seems to "hide" from me, or that they don't want to talk. I get the impression that they are superior to me, but in reality it's me and only me that is the problem.. I have learned that it's simply because I've snapped out of my confident self and in to the self aware, anxious inadequate person... After years of spectating my own behaviour around this issue, I've found out that I'm only confident when I take control over a situation.. It's like I have to have a certain amount of energy level to be able to snap in to that confident state, and that if I lack energy I snap in to the anxious state.. What's even worse is that when I am in a confident state, talking to a girl or another person, I can snap out of it in the middle of the conversation!!! If the person looked another way, or she/he does something that made me feel that I'm not interesting enough, I snap out of my confidence and in to an extremely uncomfortable state of mind.. What can I do to make it better?? It's very frustrating, because when friends invite me over, I never know if I will get nervous or not around them.. I always ask my friend "who's coming?", and it seems that I'm a person that only comes if a certain spesific people comes.. Recently, only yesterday I spoke with friends of my ex girlfriend.. They had the impression that I was an a-hole, but the reality is that I was too afraid to get to know them before.. This is a huge issue to me, because whenever I feel inadequate I seem to portray a form of cockyness or a careless person, which is the COMPLETE oposite of who I am. I will add that the problem has become a lot better recently. Belive it or not, but it's much because of my recent syrgery.. My whole life I had genu valgum on my leg (knock knees) and it REALLY bothered me. I felt inadequate and less of a man. I started to develop a form of man-complex or what do I call it.... I felt less of a man and it made me a very angry and temperamental. I really felt like I was a freak of some sort. A freak that no one really liked.. I started to develop some serious psychological issues.. I started taking action. I asked the government if they could pay for a surgery. I was lucky and they said yes.. Recently I took a surgery on both my legs, and now they are clinically straight.. I have NEVER felt this good about my self esteem ever, and every temeremental issues and other psychological issues that I have, seems to slowly fade away.. TLDR: I still have some social anxiety even though recent events have turned things for the better.
  13. Thank you so much for your feedback! I will read about it and try to get my thinking right.. I have made up for it, and most of my mistakes are forgiven, but when I get flashbacks I'm really hating myself. Under no circumstances do I want to hurt people or make them feel sad or bad about themselves. But when I find out that I did, it's really letting me down.. And no disrespect for those who use medication, but I don't think it's for me really. I don't want to use pills to forget my mistakes, I want to deal with these feelings somehow without medications.. It's a good advice watching ASMR videos. Yesterday I challenged myself. I had a friend at a bar not far from home, and he had a night out with his friends and also friends of those. I had anxiety and I was afraid meeting people that day.. I defied my fears and I went to the bar even though I was really afraid.. I looked into the eyes of these people and I asked them questions and tried to pay attention.. I got many new friends yesterday. Good friends actually! I think I will try to start over now, make friends and try to forget the past. And maybe soon I will be able to talk to some of them about my problems :)
  14. Thank you! I really appreciate getting feedback on my post.. At least I don't feel as alone as I recently did.. You're right about heightened empathy can give anxiety. I also tend to worry about strangers aswell.. Sometimes it's like a curse.. I spoke to my doctor now (I went there for a visit), but the rules have changed here in Norway. I have to write a long letter as to WHY I need a therapist etc. I can imagine this will make it harder for those who are severely depressed to get through to a therapist. But I'll write a letter and visit him next week, and hope that it will help me somehow. I really want to use my emotions and empathy the right way, and not like I'm doing now.
  15. Thank you! I really appreciate your feedback. It's hard not having anyone to talk to about it with. It's very strange that I have these intense panic attacks and sadness when thoughts comes to my mind, but when I'm not thinking about them I can smile and have a normal life. Some days I can even be incredible social, laugh, have fun and so on. But it suddenly hits me, and it hits me really hard.. My emotions and my empathy for other human beings (not only loved ones) are very high.. Somewhat that should actually be a good thing, but it's destroying me sometimes, and I can't forgive myself for what I've said and done to others.. When I wrote this first post yesterday, it hit me hard.. Like out of nowhere it came crashing down. My sensitive feelings and empathy towards others, and I started to re-play my past events in my head and suddenly I found myself having problems conversing with my co-workers.
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