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Everything posted by eden_vane

  1. Something I wrote based on a dream I had a while ago. My dreams are quite vivid and influence my writing and artwork. It's a little dark. Delerium If I destroy myself at least the pieces will look pretty. The anger impulse has never raised itself so great. Stopped by walls at intervals. Running from a pack of ravenous dogs. These feelings consume me until there is so much ash. A broken gift so sadly spent on a being whose mechanisms turn like erratic clockwork. He who abhors the internal rhythm. Smoke and mirrors are cast before him. They are offered as saftey nets for those deaf, dumb, and blind. Animal hunger gnaws at my viscera turning my clockwork on its' head and steadily breaking my constant machine. The burning breeze of a pheremone monster quickens the pulse in me. Jawbone shudder and ache. My teeth would tear holes in your divine machinery. For I am destruction. My heart pump rusted out. Shattered from a slow century of misuse. When called, lust answers like acid in my tubes and tunnels. Brightly burning fires that smother in corrosive vapour. Cupid is a brazen w**** delighting in the pleasures of those broken on the wheel of love. For in whispers she appeared to me. And like a cheeky b**** pointed her talons at that which is not mine and in so doing spit her saliva in my face. I was listening to a lot of Skinny Puppy when I wrote this...
  2. Trying to keep myself busy doing chores. I am back at my house alone. Sometimes I pause between chores and just stare at the wall for no reason. It feels like something is missing. I have to cook dinner soon. Cooking is a little joy in my day.
  3. Hi Nathan , Thanks for sharing. I had a very tough time not only in high school but in college. In high school I had to drop out in my grade 12 year due to my illness then go back a year later. In college it took me 4 and a half years to finish a 2 year degree. Its all about knowing how your depression affects you. For me I had a hard time sitting in class with other people. It would make me horribly anxious and unable to focus. I worked out sitting by the door so I would have an escape route and told all my instructors about my needs so I could get my education. Some schools have counselling and support centres for people with disabilities and mental illness. If you find you are having a hard time coping with your studies you could always seek them out. Bravo that you are working hard at something you are passionate about. The best of luck.
  4. I got out of my jammies. I know that might not be a huge thing but I love my jammies.
  5. You say you were a dancer but Im sure that inside you that passion still resides. It might not change the world, but I say put on some music and dance for yourself. Dancing around my apartment no matter how much of a goof I am makes me me feel like I can turn off my thoughts for at least five minutes.
  6. I experience this as well. Conversations are dreamy and I can't remember large portions of the day. I find keeping a journal helps. It reminds me that of things I miss.
  7. Abadonedalways, I will work in whatever medium is available. I like acrylic and watercolours. Heres a short poem: What is the harm? Rants that go past midnight. Do what feels right? Why does self destruction work so well? Oh so how you are worried. Be worried about yourself. Rain can pour itself into a human being. I can see you out of the corner of my eye creeping. You are mistaken. My room does not have yellow wallpaper.
  8. I have always felt "different". Even when I was a child I was really emotional and asked really strange (to other people) questions. I got bullied very badly. As I have matured into an adult I love that I am different in the fact that it has helped me find interests lost to other people immersed in the mainstream. But, I feel a burden as well. My emotional sensitivity and passion make it hard to connect with a lot of people. So I dont know. I know it is cheesy but I would like to think I am a snowflake. Unique and beautiful.
  9. I have always felt "different". Even when I was a child I was really emotional and asked really strange (to other people) questions. I got bullied very badly. As I have matured into an adult I love that I am different in the fact that it has helped me find interests lost to other people immersed in the mainstream. But, I feel a burden as well. My emotional sensitivity and passion make it hard to connect with a lot of people. So I dont know. I know it is cheesy but I would like to think I am a snowflake. Unique and beautiful.
  10. I'm actually glad to see so many people on here posting sci fi and nerdy stuff. I am a huge whovian and belong to many other fandoms. Although Drakeyfox I can totally see where you are coming from. I see many people latching onto nerd culture. The convention I attend in seattle has tripled in its numbers and I don't know whether its due to actual interest or as a popularity thing.
  11. Thank you for this thread. Very inspiring. I love to paint and write poetry when I feel down. I don't have anything to share right now but perhaps I will in the future. I do find colouring eases stress for me.
  12. Starsea, You are right. I could open up a little more. I clam up too often because others in my past have told me I'm a "downer" when I express myself. But I do trust him and he is there. I do not have a therapist. Many years ago I had support from a mental health team. Since I have relapsed I have struggled with finding help. There are waitlists in my area for free help and support and I don't have any income so I can't afford a private therapist. I was in group therapy after a recent hospital visit but I disagreed strongly with the psychologists outlook on depression and mental illness. He claimed that depression was a matter of willpower. It was awful and I left feeling discouraged. I'm glad you have had your fog lifted, thank you for your kind words. You have my support.
  13. I have had to leave many jobs when I get really sick so my resume is really full of gaping holes. The worst is in interviews because they always ask me why I have such large gaps in my resume. I NEVER know what to say. I told my last boss I was off work due to an injury but then she had all these questions about it. I quit my last job in January because I am not doing well and I had to get doctor's notes to be able to leave the job. My employer was incredibly nosy and wanted to know why I was quitting. I don't want to talk to her to use her as a reference because I'm embaressed that I just quit abruptly.
  14. Nurse in an emergency room : "You are being dramatic" When anybody asks about the scars on my arms, which are obviously self harm scars.
  15. A guy I dated yelled at me in front of everyone at a bar "I guess you didn't take your medication today you crazy b****" I didn't even talk to him the entire night, he just verbally attacked me because I refused to go home with him.
  16. My bf is supportive but my problem is that he has a hard time understanding my issues. He offers hugs and he will listen. But when I explain some of the really weird stuff that I'm thinking or feeling I'm scared I will drive him away. It is hard to be that vulnerable for me. I have a great fear of abandonment and am terrified one day he will have enough of me and move out of our place. We are celebrating our two year anniversary on Thursday and I am thankful he has stuck with me for so long through all of this. I am just scared and guilty that I am a burden on him. Its hard not to beat myself up.
  17. I am sorry that you are experiencing these difficulties triskele. I also struggled with forming intimate relationships with members of the opposite sex all throughout my twenties. There were many times where I just thought maybe I should accept that I also had "something" about me that made me different and unable to form any attachment. Part of my problem is that I am a highly sensitive introvert. I have always struggled with people not "getting" where I'm coming from and the agony of having to explain myself. So that was a big challenge with dating. I watched all my friends have long term relationships and just felt more and more distant from the concept of romance. I even started to wonder if I ever got a relationship what I would do once I was in one. The concept seemed foreign to me. But I did end up meeting someone 2 years ago. It took a lot of time and I have learned a lot along the way that I am convinced there is not "something" about people like a "trait" that keeps people from finding someone. I am female but I think men and women can experience similar struggles if they are highly passionate and emotionally intelligent individuals.
  18. I am exceptionally overwhelmed and as much as I would like to dump my cares onto this post, it would be a very long read indeed. Today, I don't want to go home to my house. I am at my parent's house sorting through their clutter as they are putting their house up for sale and need help packing things up. Everyone is working and I feel utterly alone. This is typical for me. If I am at home, my bf works nightshift and I see him maybe 2 hrs a day. The rest of the time I walk like a ghost in my own home. I would go out but I live in a very crime ridden part of the city. Police are always on my block and I'm afraid of getting stabbed or robbed if I go out for a walk. I guess that's the silver lining about being at my parent's house. I might go for a walk here.
  19. Hello I am Eden, I am a 29 year old female currently needing some support while I am experiencing my second or third (?) major depressive episode. I also have horrible anxiety right now and I really hate leaving my home. I have had mental illness since I was a teenager and I am feeling a lot of despair, frustration and shame that I am almost at my thirtieth birthday sitting at home unemployed (quit my job due to my illness) scared to do anything. I know deep down that inside me is a passionate lovely girl that is just waiting to come out, however I feel trapped. I am stuck. The best/worst part is that I have supportive parents and my sister and I are extremely close. I have a great understanding boyfriend. But I feel guilty that I am putting them through this and that I can't just snap out of it and get better. Thank you for taking the time to read my introduction. It has been a huge step for me to even come on here so bear with me if I am rambling.
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