eden_vane

Something I wrote based on a dream I had a while ago. My dreams are quite vivid and influence my writing and artwork. It's a little dark. Delerium If I destroy myself at least the pieces will look pretty. The anger impulse has never raised itself so great. Stopped by walls at intervals. Running from a pack of ravenous dogs. These feelings consume me until there is so much ash. A broken gift so sadly spent on a being whose mechanisms turn like erratic clockwork. He who abhors the internal rhythm. Smoke and mirrors are cast before him. They are offered as saftey nets for those deaf, dumb, and blind. Animal hunger gnaws at my viscera turning my clockwork on its' head and steadily breaking my constant machine. The burning breeze of a pheremone monster quickens the pulse in me. Jawbone shudder and ache. My teeth would tear holes in your divine machinery. For I am destruction. My heart pump rusted out. Shattered from a slow century of misuse. When called, lust answers like acid in my tubes and tunnels. Brightly burning fires that smother in corrosive vapour. Cupid is a brazen w**** delighting in the pleasures of those broken on the wheel of love. For in whispers she appeared to me. And like a cheeky b**** pointed her talons at that which is not mine and in so doing spit her saliva in my face. I was listening to a lot of Skinny Puppy when I wrote this...

Trying to keep myself busy doing chores. I am back at my house alone. Sometimes I pause between chores and just stare at the wall for no reason. It feels like something is missing. I have to cook dinner soon. Cooking is a little joy in my day.

Hi Nathan , Thanks for sharing. I had a very tough time not only in high school but in college. In high school I had to drop out in my grade 12 year due to my illness then go back a year later. In college it took me 4 and a half years to finish a 2 year degree. Its all about knowing how your depression affects you. For me I had a hard time sitting in class with other people. It would make me horribly anxious and unable to focus. I worked out sitting by the door so I would have an escape route and told all my instructors about my needs so I could get my education. Some schools have counselling and support centres for people with disabilities and mental illness. If you find you are having a hard time coping with your studies you could always seek them out. Bravo that you are working hard at something you are passionate about. The best of luck.

I got out of my jammies. I know that might not be a huge thing but I love my jammies.

You say you were a dancer but Im sure that inside you that passion still resides. It might not change the world, but I say put on some music and dance for yourself. Dancing around my apartment no matter how much of a goof I am makes me me feel like I can turn off my thoughts for at least five minutes.

I experience this as well. Conversations are dreamy and I can't remember large portions of the day. I find keeping a journal helps. It reminds me that of things I miss.

Abadonedalways, I will work in whatever medium is available. I like acrylic and watercolours. Heres a short poem: What is the harm? Rants that go past midnight. Do what feels right? Why does self destruction work so well? Oh so how you are worried. Be worried about yourself. Rain can pour itself into a human being. I can see you out of the corner of my eye creeping. You are mistaken. My room does not have yellow wallpaper.

I have always felt "different". Even when I was a child I was really emotional and asked really strange (to other people) questions. I got bullied very badly. As I have matured into an adult I love that I am different in the fact that it has helped me find interests lost to other people immersed in the mainstream. But, I feel a burden as well. My emotional sensitivity and passion make it hard to connect with a lot of people. So I dont know. I know it is cheesy but I would like to think I am a snowflake. Unique and beautiful.

I have always felt "different". Even when I was a child I was really emotional and asked really strange (to other people) questions. I got bullied very badly. As I have matured into an adult I love that I am different in the fact that it has helped me find interests lost to other people immersed in the mainstream. But, I feel a burden as well. My emotional sensitivity and passion make it hard to connect with a lot of people. So I dont know. I know it is cheesy but I would like to think I am a snowflake. Unique and beautiful.

I'm actually glad to see so many people on here posting sci fi and nerdy stuff. I am a huge whovian and belong to many other fandoms. Although Drakeyfox I can totally see where you are coming from. I see many people latching onto nerd culture. The convention I attend in seattle has tripled in its numbers and I don't know whether its due to actual interest or as a popularity thing.

Thank you for this thread. Very inspiring. I love to paint and write poetry when I feel down. I don't have anything to share right now but perhaps I will in the future. I do find colouring eases stress for me.

Starsea, You are right. I could open up a little more. I clam up too often because others in my past have told me I'm a "downer" when I express myself. But I do trust him and he is there. I do not have a therapist. Many years ago I had support from a mental health team. Since I have relapsed I have struggled with finding help. There are waitlists in my area for free help and support and I don't have any income so I can't afford a private therapist. I was in group therapy after a recent hospital visit but I disagreed strongly with the psychologists outlook on depression and mental illness. He claimed that depression was a matter of willpower. It was awful and I left feeling discouraged. I'm glad you have had your fog lifted, thank you for your kind words. You have my support.

I have had to leave many jobs when I get really sick so my resume is really full of gaping holes. The worst is in interviews because they always ask me why I have such large gaps in my resume. I NEVER know what to say. I told my last boss I was off work due to an injury but then she had all these questions about it. I quit my last job in January because I am not doing well and I had to get doctor's notes to be able to leave the job. My employer was incredibly nosy and wanted to know why I was quitting. I don't want to talk to her to use her as a reference because I'm embaressed that I just quit abruptly.

Nurse in an emergency room : "You are being dramatic" When anybody asks about the scars on my arms, which are obviously self harm scars.

A guy I dated yelled at me in front of everyone at a bar "I guess you didn't take your medication today you crazy b****" I didn't even talk to him the entire night, he just verbally attacked me because I refused to go home with him.