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Starsea

Gold Member
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Starsea last won the day on July 26 2016

Starsea had the most liked content!

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About Starsea

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    Gold Member

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    North America
  • Interests
    My kid, history, geology, music, movies, general science, physics, machines, various modes of transportation, cats, conservation, hiking, travel, dining, games, making things, Buddhism, psychology, reading, photography, Japan, languages, etymology, ancient cultures, probably other things as well

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  1. Thanks, ilovepuppies. That post means a lot to me. My wife sees nothing wrong with her hobbies. It's not like they're illegal or anything so I can sort of understand what she thinks. She certainly has a right to do them. But I think a spouse should take a look at their hobbies if their partner expresses concern about them. As an example, she didn't like how much time I spent on DF - especially on the weekends. So I stopped hanging out here as much as I did. Heck, when we were separated last year I asked her if she would be OK with my getting a motorcycle. I just think it's common courtesy. She's gone from very supportive of my depression in the past to giving up and taking off. It's hard to depend on her sometimes. We're really trying but this stuff keeps getting in the way. I wish it didn't. But it does. Thanks again. Peace
  2. I agree about not staying in a toxic relationship. I am trying, though, to be respectful of both myself and her as we try to figure this out. We both have work to do on our own issues. And, also, we have a child to think of. I am trying to make sure I don't act rashly. Thanks for the reply. It means a lot. Peace
  3. My wife and I have had trouble for the past couple years. My depression was a big monkey wrench in the works. And she had a huge issue, too, which was chronicled in these very boards. We almost divorced last year. But things got better when I forgave her and tried to stop being angry. We're working on it and going to a therapist as a couple. But in the meantime I'm finding myself trapped in a relationship where my emotional needs are not met. It's like I'm living with a friendly roommate. I enjoy time with her but I don't trust her to support me in times of need. We're fighting a lot about her hobbies, which I find really, really distasteful. I'm not standing in her way but she has an expectation that I should be happy about her having hobbies she likes - even if I find them disturbing or borderline cheating. My position has always been, "you have a right to do these things and I have a right to not like them." But she takes that to mean that I don't like her., which is not true. It is, however, true that my opinion of her is eroded by these hobbies. When we started the relationship she was a much more mature and serious adult. Now she's de-evolved into almost a teenage state. she is obsessed with being the biggest fan of whatever she likes. If she likes something she immediately starts a blog about it. Or she writes slash fiction. Or she dresses up and does plays about the things she likes. She can't just like something. She has to pursue it, learn everything about it, buy the t-shirt, go to the theme park, get the DVDs, read the books. See the movies, etc... It's like the "fandom" is a third person in the relationship and I'm the one who gets edged out. Is this enough for me to end the marriage? No. But I suppose I am not in love with her the same way I was before these personality traits emerged. We've talked about this all in couples therapy and she's confirmed that, if I don't like her hobbies, she doesn't feel the same way about me either. So things at home are a little tense and upsetting. We're, quite literally, living like roommates. But we're projecting the image of a married couple to the outside world. In the meantime the marriage does not meet my needs at all and I'm finding myself in a depression again. I'm going to go back to my therapist if my self-directed CBT (I've been through it before) doesn't start bearing fruit. I'm not sure what I want from this post. I suppose I just needed to get it off my chest. I lack support in my marriage so I guess I'm looking for it anywhere I can get it. Peace
  4. Being forced into sex sounds like rape to me. I'm really sorry you were in that situation and it's not at all cool you had to deal with it. It's not acceptable for a person to force another person to do something against their will. Have you gotten help for that situation at all? It's a big deal for someone to process. Perhaps if you could see the person who did this to you as a person and not a man it would help with trust. There are bad, violent men out there. There are caring, compassionate men out there. There are heartless, manipulative women out there. There are decent, responsible women out there, too. In the end we're all just people. Gender has no bearing on whether someone is a jerk. Culturally, misandry (hatred of men) is OK. So it's common to view all men as violent and stupid. But it's certainly not the truth. I hope you can move forward and find peace with this. I'm so sorry you had this trouble. Peace
  5. I damaged my elbows somehow and I've got to take it easy. It threw off my mojo, though, and I stopped my cardio as well. So I've gained some weight. I need to get back into it. I'm in a small depression right now so it's more difficult than it should be. I just need to do it.
  6. I'm in love with Kassidy Cook or Lindsey Stirling - or both. In any case, I'm a dirty old man - a sad, lonely, dirty old man.
  7. Don't think I said anything about self loathing but the original post seemed to indicate someone who was wrapping up self worth with being in a relationship. Having made that mistake myself I hoped to help. Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick and I didn't mean to offend. peace
  8. I'm pretty sure I didn't say that. whats stopping you from going your own way?
  9. It all boils down to: what's best for you? Only you can know what is best for you. peace
  10. So they'll be angry with someone whose help they rely on (you). Doesn't that give you the power in this situation? I mean, what can they do if they get angry? Are you afraid they will hurt you? You mentioned they'd threatened you in the past. That's not cool and you don't deserve it. I disagree that it's your fault. I hate to see a good person mistreated. So that's where my zeal is coming from. I wish I could help. But all I can do is let you know how things look on the outside. But they've already mistreated you. And they're continuing to mistreat you. It's not right. I just read your other reply about your father. I'm really sorry you're dealing with all this. You're being pulled in different directions and it's no wonder you're having a difficult time. It's also no wonder you've no time to yourself. It's a really tough situation. I wish I had an answer for you other than trying to stand up for yourself since that seems to be a problem for you. But it seems people will continue to use you until they realize you're not going to be used anymore. I know it's unpleasant for you to think of letting people down but you're also not feeling good about doing things for them. Do you have a therapist? Have you discussed this with your doctor? Maybe they could help. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. I hope you can get to a place where people view you as your own person - not someone who does stuff for them. Peace
  11. That reads like something I would have written 10 years ago. Try not to give up on yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Well, everyone has something wrong with them. But that's just being human. But there's nothing really wrong with you which prevents someone else from loving you. I made a huge mistake back when I was single. I tied my self worth to my relationship status. So, when I found a girl and things worked out I ended up marrying her before I knew what I was doing. Now, the truth is she may not have been the right choice for my long term happiness. So I'm having to do something I should have done before I looked for someone else's love. I'm learning to love myself. That's important. I don't think I'll ever get what I want from my marriage. So I have to be OK with that. The only way that can happen is for me to be OK with myself. I'll still be disappointed. I'll still "mourn" what might have been. If I had more respect for myself when I was dating, I might have made different decisions and I might be with someone more compatible with my needs. I hope you can come to a place where you can be OK with being alone. You deserve your own love. Then you can let others in,. Peace
  12. I wish I understood the lingo. But I think I agree with the sentiment. You've done nothing wrong. Anyone who is offended by a change in virtual friend status wasn't an actual friend to begin with. You're on the moral high ground here. I hope this helps you move on from a painful time in your past. Peace
  13. I'm really sorry you're dealing with all this. Being underappreciated stinks. If you feel as though you may harm yourself, please seek immediate attention. Call a hotline or get to a hospital. Let me ask you, though, what's the worst that would happen if you said, "no?" Why do you have to take care of your husband's mother if there are two healthy adults living with her? And why, after they mistreated you, would they expect you to help them? They've no right. It's difficult, I know. I find it hard to stand up for myself with my wife. But it gets easier with practice. Now I have no problem telling her, "I don't deserve to be yelled at right now." It helps me feel better about myself, too. Please get help if you're in danger of harming yourself. And please check in to let us know how you're doing. I hope you can stand up for yourself. You deserve your own respect. Peace
  14. I'm sorry you feel you're stuck in this situation. In business it's sometimes called the "golden handcuffs" where you do something you don't like or you limit your potential because it pays the bills. It's not a pleasant situation to be in. I've been there, myself so I've got a lot of empathy for your situation. I also look at it a little more philosophically. Sartre says we always have a choice. It's the concept of mauvaise foi (bad faith -- and apologies for my appalling French) which basically says that under outside pressure we will be untrue to ourselves and our ideals and we will trick ourselves into thinking we have no choice. While the outcome is not always pleasant we always have a choice. If kowtowing to someone else hurts my sense of self worth, maybe it's not a good idea for me to keep doing that. I have to make the choice. Either I kowtow or I stand up for myself. In either case, I have to own the outcome of my decision. It's certainly an unpleasant situation. I'm really sorry you're dealing with it. Peace
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