BonSquad

I'm tired. I'm lonesome, and I hate that feeling. I love being alone. I intensely dislike feeling lonely. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, anxiety, and major depressive disorder with psychotic features, a.k.a. psychotic depression. I'm not even sure I want to get better, because "getting better" involves shutting off my hallucinations, and I've grown accustomed to them.. even if they aren't always nice to me. I have no faith in anything -- all my former belief systems seem laughable, I've lost faith in myself, I've lost faith in everyone around me, I have no hope my life will ever improve, I'm convinced the lives of my children will never improve beyond what we have now. And that makes me feel terrible. I've failed. Everything I want feels like it is so far away, nearly impossible. I can't imagine trying to work, but I'm under pressure to get a job. I haven't worked in years because of my own mental health and because of the needs of my children, but now that feels like a lame excuse, even though it is still true. I'm never sure if the people who claim to care about me actually do care. Nothing they can say or do improves this. One day I feel lucky to have them, intensely happy with them in my lives, and the next I think they're spying on me, or laughing at me behind my back, or taking advantage of me somehow. And then I feel betrayed and angry and bitter, and I blame myself, and I spend days beating myself up about how foolish I am. Sometimes thinking of ways to get those people out of my life. Then, another day or two later, I realize I wasn't thinking rationally and I forgive them for all those imaginary slights -- and they never hear a word about any of it. I don't think I can get better. I'm afraid I will be confused, scared, and suspicious until I die, and none of my greater goals in life stand a chance of getting completed because of this. I'm not even sure I want to get better, because this is familiar, this is comfortable. Do I accept that and strive for happiness despite it? Or do I fight against it and try to maintain normalcy like I always used to do? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Do you understand? Do you feel the same?

I cleaned and mopped my kitchen floor today. It's been needing that for like two months! (And I am so sore now, ugh) I also finally sent a friend request to someone I met in the hospital.. I hope they're not mad at me for delaying a week and a half on that.

I used to play Sims for continuous hours and consecutive days when I'd get depressed. It was a way of controlling events, I think. I don't have a system that can run any of the games anymore -- except the very first one, which is almost too boring to be worth playing, to me -- so now I find myself watching Let's Plays of games I'm curious about on YouTube. This is positive -- it makes me laugh, it gets me thinking creatively about game design and modern media, it's entertaining -- but it's also negative -- I have spent entire days watching Let's Plays and doing nothing else. I've set a "Family Timer" on my Xbox so that I can only watch YouTube for two hours a day. If I extend that time, I have to enter a passcode to unlock it, and it makes me feel terribly guilty.. so I usually just watch my allotted two hours and then do a bit of housework or putter around the garden. I do have games for the Xbox, but I have difficulty staying focused on them and experience a lot of negative feelings & thoughts whenever I sit down to play them -- so I hardly ever do.

My name is Burke and I have psychotic depression, as well as a host of anxiety-related issues and PTSD. The "psychotic" bit sounds exotic but mostly involves a semi-constant stream of voices behind one shoulder and occasional visual hallucinations. I struggle with paranoia but I'm aware of my own delusions and can usually separate them from 'reality'. It's a bit embarrassing really. I'm constantly depressed these days, and have been experiencing varying degrees of psychosis for almost twenty years. I am currently taking an antidepressant as well as an antipsychotic, which is handling my anxiety very well but not yet affecting my depression or my hallucinations. I was recently hospitalized on the encouragement of my therapist and I just started these meds a week ago. What else? I'm a doll collector and a writer, I love everything creepy / spooky / weird, I spend a ridiculous amount of time on Tumblr, and my favorite dessert is ice cream.. any flavor. I look forward to getting to know you all better!