SongsOfIceNFire

Well I'm still here..that's an accomplishment. I honestly came too close this time. Never want to go to that place again.

So I'm feeling pretty horrible right now. I have no idea what's going to happen next..I feel so incredibly weighed down. My whole life is a ****ed up mess, I don't know why I bother trying anymore..I just don't see a future. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. And when I think I might be getting a sniff at something good happening for me, it all predictably implodes..so glad it's the weekend because I don't think I'll be leaving my bed till Monday. Happiness is just a thing that happens to other people. Same with love and relationships...friendship...luck. It's like a bad joke now. Ah forget it, I've rambled on enough..

..and I've just been stood up on a first date. I hate my life.

Sorry to hear you're also having women trouble Sal. Maybe we could co-write a book about our tragic dating experiences ha. Can't let it get to you I suppose. Plenty of more fish and all that. Hope you get inspiration back for your novel! Today has been a bit better. Still not feeling great but managed to keep my mind occupied with work. I'm also trying out for a band soon as a vocalist. Hopefully I'll get the gig. I need a focus in my life.

Useless. Stressed. Tired.

Horrible. Had probably the worst first date I've ever been on last night. Met her through a dating site (I know, first mistake) and for the weeks before we went on the date she seemed really interested, texting me cute messages and all sorts. But then we met, she just seemed distracted all the time, uninterested, messing about on her phone, texting her friends. All whilst I'm sat there with a glass of JD in my hand thinking to myself 'what the hell is going on?'. Really felt like leaving ten minutes in but did the polite thing and just tried to make the best of it. Sorry these posts are starting to become some sort of tragic dating diary. Other than that, my friends are all too busy to meet. We seemed to go out a lot when I was going through bad times last year but I just get excuses now, if they reply at all. I spent Christmas and New Year pretty much alone. I mean family was present but I felt alone anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow and the project I'm on is in a bit of a mess - got to try and get that sorted out. Eurgh, this is all a ramble. The only positive things I can think of right now is the possibility of a Guns N Roses reunion (which I'll be the first to buy tickets for ha) and that I'm actually still here fighting my s***ty demons. Yeah, I think I may be back here for a good while this year.

Feel like my thoughts are moving too fast for my body to cope with properly. Everything is so loud and it hurts. The girl I'm seeing is messing me about mentally. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it. I don't know. I just feel like sleeping.

I've been trying to improve myself externally by updating my appearance, trying to reconnect with old friends/make new friends, be more creative and put myself back out there - trying to live a happy life. But it all just feels like a shell. Deep down I'm still messed up and my moods are all over the place on an almost hourly basis. My dating life seems almost like someone else's. I've sort of closed my emotions off so I don't get attached too early due to my past relationships being all too whirlwind to breakdown within months. I hope I don't come off to emotionally distant because I genuinely like this girl I'm currently dating. I don't know, I may finally go and see a doctor if I don't feel better soon - even though the idea absolutely terrifies me.

So incredibly fed up of being rejected by everyone.

Really not coping. These last few weeks have been some of the worst of my 25 year existence so far. I really don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just falling apart.

Horrible. Two breakups now just six months apart. Feel so empty. Everyone just leaves me as soon as I get invested. After my first breakup this year I told myself I would not get so easily attached again. What a joke, of course I did. I just don't have a defence mechanism at all. What's worse is both breakups were just completely out of the blue. Especially this latest one. The night prior she was wrapped in my arms saying she's not felt this way about anyone before. The next night she ends it saying she's in a really bad place and it's not fair to continue the relationship. What the hell does that even mean? Just more excuses. As soon as it looks serious they run. I've bought myself a ying yang pendant today just to try and remind myself that even though I'm going through dark times now, there has to be some good times ahead, to balance it all out. Heck, I've got to believe that. I won't be taking it off anytime soon.

I met a girl who made me really happy. Made me want to live again. Kept me off here for months. Then tonight, once again I've been dumped just as I start to get really invested. Same story, different girl. Why do I even bother? I just get hurt every single ****ing time. I don't know if I can take this pain much longer..

Vintage Trouble - 'This Heart Won't Fall Again' 'Nevermore will I be the one who waits No more am I your holding call Nevermore will I be the one who hates Hates himself for loving you'

I got on top of most of my deadlines at work.

Dear Me, Stop thinking it was all your fault. You both made mistakes and you both share responsibility for it falling apart. You've made peace with her and now it's time to move on. No, really, this time it will actually happen. Trust yourself.