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Phil AK

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  1. Hi, my name is Phil, and I'm a 42 year old male from London in the UK. I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life interspersed over the last five years with a few psychotic/manic episodes, leading to a diagnosis of bi-polar schizoaffective disorder, which is all jargonistic mumbo jumbo to me. Anyhow, I believe that we are all the leading characters in the movie that depicts our lives. Here's mine (and it isn't very flattering). The character that I play in life is the loser/loner type character. The kind of character who doesn't engage or interact with others - unless he absolutely has to. The kind of character who will try to sort it all out on his own, cos he knows best. This character is deeply flawed, stuck in a hell of his own making, kicking and screaming on the inside - but keeping it all on the inside - and feeling like he's rotting inside - getting absolutely nowhere, cos it seems like there is nowhere to get to, and nothing to do. Or maybe there is somewhere to get to and something to do, but not having a clue where to get to or what to do. All the while my character is waiting for something to happen. Something just to happen where I can be released from my own personal hell, cos I ain't able to do it on my own. The soundtrack of the movie of my life is Boulevard of Broken Dreams: https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGzgoSg5OZg Basically, the plotline of my movie is incredibly turgid, repititive and monotonous. It's like the same scene is playing out over and over again - like anytime anything frightening or challenging comes up I may face it for a time, but sooner or later I quit and I'm right back where I started, hence the experience of going round and round in circles like a hamster on a hamster wheel. And this is where all the episodes of mental illness come up. My experience of life in this movie is so bleak that I create all kinds of delusions, that make life much more palatable. And life is great for a time, as I'm excited and passionate and believe that anything is possible. But sooner or later (after a few weeks in a mental hospital) reality hits home that my delusions are merely delusions, and I'm right back where I started - building my own personal prison, brick by brick, experiencing myself as more and more disconnected and disengaged from life. But wait for it, cos there's a twist to this sad and sorry tale of pain, misery and disappointment, and that is that the more I speak out about my experiences, the more power I have over these experiences, and rather than the movie running my life, I am in charge of how the movie plays itself out. Which is why I have shared this here. This song represents triumph over the tragedy of my own personal hell of my own making: https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljIQo1OHkTI
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