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  1. I've become a master at appearing normal when I am screaming on the inside. Just keep putting one foot forward. Break the steps up in your mind. Ex: Today I need to say "Hi. how was your weekend" to my coworkers, because last week my boss commented that I'm not friendly. And later I'll comment on Susie's new shirt. Just making mental notes of things I could do has helped, if that makes sense to you. Try making one positive statement. I know it seems like you're alone in a sea of people who just don't care. But you're not alone.
  2. No choice but to put one foot in front of the other and go on. I've become good at compartmentalizing when I need to. I knew he was sick, but somehow I convinced myself that what he did was isolated episodes and that he'd never do something like this. I guess its all been excuses not to do something about it.
  3. I'm not sure this really applies to depression. But this forum is anonymous, and not one other family or friends would see. So I feel like I can talk here. Warning: This may trigger sexual assault survivors. When I was around 7 or 8, my brother assaulted me. It started as any other day. My mother and her bf would leave the house to go to the barn to feed the horses early in the morning. My brother (7 years older than myself) was always the one in charge to "babysit" me. I woke up that day and went to the living room in my nightgown. It wasn't revealing. It was a cotton blend with full sleeves, came up to my neck, and down to my ankles. My brother played atari for a bit, and then we decided to watch tv. It was a rare time when my mother actually paid for cable. Keep in mind this is back in the 80's. I was sitting on the couch, with my feet up on the couch like usual. My brother and I were joking around and getting along for once; a rare occurrence. I remember feeling pretty in my nightgown for some reason. I don't know why a 7 yr old would be thinking like that, but I remember the thought. Then he tells me to get down on the floor and turn the channel or something. The next thing I know, he has me upside down. He shoved my nightgown and underwear aside and put his fingers in me. I screamed and cried. I tried biting him. I hit him anywhere I could. I begged for him to stop. Finally, I got him to meet my eye, and what I saw there was just someone completely different. I repeated the words stop, and I saw that glazed look in his eyes disappear, and horror replaced it. He put me down. From there, my memory is fuzzy. I know I ran to my room and stayed there. After that though, I don't know. I didn't tell my mother until many years later and I chose to believe that this was a one-time event and forgive him. In 2011, my brother was arrested for raping my nieces. At the time, I was pregnant, and it was high risk. I've lost a baby before and was having contractions and spotting at that time. My husband lost his job of 20 years, he was fired. And we were facing eviction. Needless to say, I couldn't deal with any more stress and with my brother. I told my mother during that time what he did to me. She supported him. I understood why she did. He is her son after all. That case was dismissed without prejudice. I cut my brother out of my life. Now, as of yesterday, he was arrested for 100 counts of child porn. I can't help but feel that this is my fault. He should have been in prison a long time ago.
  4. Hi everyone, It's been awhile. Tomorrow is my birthday and anniversary. We call it the birthaversary. My daughter is still with my mother. I talk to her less and less each month. She wants nothing to do with me. The only time she calls is when she wants money. Last time I yelled at her for asking because she knows we're going through a tough time financially, and she just wants money to spend on unnecessary things. She asked on her birthday, which was one of the hardest days my husband and I went through this year. So I basically flipped my lid and went off. I told her she was ripping our family apart. I regret doing that, but I couldn't hold it back. Normally my daughter would insist on baking me a cake for my birthday. She didn't do it for me. She liked to control things and she liked to bake. But it was nice to pretend she was doing it for me. It's hard, having a daughter that hates you. And yes, she does. Don't give me anything about how you think she could never hate me and she's having a hard time. yada yada. It's difficult for anyone to fathom a child hating their parent. But she does. She always has. She began telling me she hated me when she was 3 years old. And she never stopped. I've been crying all day. I couldn't sleep last night. I gave up at 3am this morning and watched tv and drank a glass of alcohol in hopes it would help me go to sleep. It didn't. We decided on Christmas we want to go see her. But then I think perhaps it's not a good idea to see her. What if she ignores me like before? What if she starts screaming at me and picking a fight. All usual things. And then I think of my son, who really doesn't understand. He told me yesterday he wishes he still had a sister. He doesn't want to talk to her either. Nothings changed at my mothers. She is still lazy. She still screams at people when she doesn't get her way. Same ol same ol.
  5. Thanks everyone. I drove my daughter to my mom and she will stay for a bit. The deal is she has to behave here. She's to help my mom and do anything they ask. If she doesn't she comes back home. We wanted a fresh start for her because back home she was getting in so much trouble that she almost had probation or juvie. She had a good day today I think. She got to visit with her cousin and she rode my moms horse. But at the same time she is cool towards me. She'll say she loves me but she always looks away when she says it. There's no emotion other than irritation and anger. That's why I think her coming to my mom's for awhile is better. As far as me and my husband, he's always babied her. He use to put her on his knee and say "my baby" and would say "not yours, mine". I think that really negatively impacted our relationship. I also have a lot of resentment for it. It's certainly not the whole reason, but over the years she's always preferred her father. He's very lenient and I've had to be strict. So again that made me the bad guy. And I have asked him to step up and help. He won't. But I also won't divorce him. Sometimes I dream about leaving . I dream of being free without responsibility. But I know it wouldn't be the better option.
  6. I've been married for nearly 20 years. In that time I've been relatively happy. My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly after I had our first child. (daughter). I've been his rock. I fully believe that he would not be here without me and our little family. Fast forward to now, my daughter is 16. My son 6. My daughter is also bipolar. She was diagnosed at 14 and tried meds and counseling. She did not stick with the meds and eventually refused them. She's tearing our family apart. She started having bad grades. She wouldn't go to school. And she's run away 4 times. She's abused the internet privileges. She's made threats against my life and hers. Basically anytime I parent her she goes off the deep end. Because I'm not bipolar she feels I don't understand her. I found threatening texts wanting to **** me and herself. I locked up all meds, knives, (no guns in the house) and I took her to a children's psych hospital to have her evaluated. That was a three-hour drive by ambulance (over $3,000 bill, uninsured) to have them basically say she's fine and discharged her. We filed unruly child charges on her after her 4th runaway. That was when I found content on her phone and tablet that were inappropriate. She walked down a major highway late at night in black clothes. She ended up on a stranger's porch calling me to come get her and would not talk with police. We had the mediation meeting with the magistrate this week. She almost went to juvie. Instead, he gave her a warning and a long talk about consequences. She's been asking to go live with her grandmother in another state. My mother is 66 years old, and not in the best of health. I've previously said no. But we decided to let her go. I hope this is a new beginning for her. But my husband is cycling big time, and I can't be his rock. At times I feel like maybe I should be the one to leave. I'm, after all, the person she hates so much she wants to see dead. I can't be his rock when I need a rock of my own, and it certainly isn't him. There's no real question here. Just sharing.
  7. It's been awhile since I last posted. Some things have changed. My daughter went to counseling once. She didn't say much, but we haven't had a huge fight lately. I did eventually give her a little bit of internet back. Still no fb or other social media. But she likes to play games and watch movies on netfli or something. Trust is a slow process to regain. As for me. I'm not depressed. But if I thought I had the weight of the world on my shoulders before, I didnt know what the hell I was talking about. Sometimes I wonder how I don't fall to peices. On June 26th I was at work when I had a sharp pain above my eye and then my right arm went numb. I went to the ER where they did series of tests. They ruled out all cardio and stroke possibilities. Then they did more tests. CTA and MRI shows a hemmorage on my brain that has calcified. This means its an old brain bleed. But it is pushing on a nerve, causing migraines and numbness. I also get shaking hands and forget some things sometimes. I'm seeing a neurologist and I go in two weeks to have the radiology reviewed by another doctor to assess whether I have AVM which is arteriovenous malformation. Basiclly that means just a tangle of abnormally connected arteries and veins. I'm on topamax starting tonight, so hopefully that helps with the migraines. In the meantime, my part time job is ending august 1st. I found out my student loans I've been trying to get out of default, are indeed out of default. But apparently there is another student loan still in default. This prevents me from going back to school at the moment. So I have to keep paying on the loans I have in good standing, plus find out what loans are in default and pay them. Plus my rent increased and another small bill increased. Overall I'm obsessing on how I'm going to pay all bills, go to the doctor, and keep my goals on track. Life is anything but dull. And if you read all that, bless you. Have a good day.
  8. My family, friends, and myself have a heartbeat. I keep telling myself if that's true today, then it's a good day.
  9. I feel stresses. I seems like I get one step ahead and something comes along to throw me two steps back.
  10. Well thyroid test is OK. Will repeat them in 6 mo. My boss isn't letting me take time off for my daughters appointment with the shrink. Hubby is going to take her. That might be best anyway. She can feel more comfortable without me there.
  11. I keep dreaming that the shrink will tell me I'm a bad parent. Or that I should leave. If I thought I could just make my hubby take her I would. I know going to counseling is what's best, but I really hate this plan. I didn't want one for myself either. I'm the queen of avoidance.
  12. Basically I've caught her lying, and she reactivated her FB account. I deactivated it because she gets on there and talks to older men who are pedophiles imo. The latest were a little younger. 17 so I can't prosecute but he is a dog addict and way too old to be calling a 13 his "baby". He's two months away from being 18.there is a lot of missing teens in our area due to sex trafficking. She doesn't get how her Internet activity is dangerous. I'm sitting here at work too Phoenix...shhhh, don't tell anyone. Single dad of two here and I've stated nearly the exact same words you have about them being better off without me. But those are just thoughts that occur. And many on here remind me that it just isn't true. Glad to hear the two of you are going to try counseling. Hang in there. (((HUGS))) Single mom of two here, and I have felt this many, many times. 13 is such a hard age and being a mom to a 13 year old is hard too. When my son and I fight, or he has a crappy morning/day and says hateful stuff it's hard to just file those away but they don't really understand how much it hurts us as parents. I'm unsure of your situation with your daughter but at one time, my sons therapist told me "You are his SAFE place, at times he's going to treat you like crap because he knows you aren't going to go anywhere because you are the one true constant in his life that hasn't left him." I hold onto those words and try to remember them when he's raging at me or he's just being a 15 year old boy who is p***** off at the world. IT SUCKS, really sucks but I've learned that if I TRY my best to stay quiet, let him say his peace and let him cool down and then try to talk to him when the dust is settled things go a lot better for all of us. Believe me, it doesn't always work that way but that's what works the best. Just my two cents sorry for going off on a tangent.I hope counseling helps you two.
  13. I'm sitting here at work trying to do my job all while also trying not to cry. I had a huge fight with my 13 yr old daughter again. I feel like she would be better off without me there. She hates me. Not just some teen hate either. I mean truly hates me. We're going to try counseling but in the meantime, I just can't take any more.
  14. Were working toward buying a home also. But also don't have a down payment. With min wage it's impossible. That doesn't mean that you give up on finding a better job. Eventually and hopefully you find one that supports your needs and wants. In the meantime work on your credit. Make sure it's the best you can do and take side jobs to help save.
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