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UFO_

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  1. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Garnetred in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    I've been trying to cope with PTSD for many years now. I can luckily say that my life is finally starting to reach a vague level or normalcy. It is likely not normal for most people, but it is the best it has been for me. I am no longer terrified life. I finally have a job and it's even full time! I am able to talk to strangers now too, though it is always a struggle. For me, this is more than I ever felt capable of.
    Unfortunately, there are still days that I feel crippled by anxiety and loneliness. I feel crazy, useless, and unloveable. I've try my hardest to comfort myself on these days. I would love to be hugged by someone but I'm not sure how. It is very hard for me to maintain friends or to get close to anyone. I have struggled with substance abuse on and off. I am sure many of you have felt the same way.
    Lately I have been self medicating again. It is hard to resist the comforting feeling I get from it. It is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. It somehow feels like everything will be ok. I like to lie under the blankets and watch mind-numbing unboxing videos with soft-spoken women on YouTube. There is something almost maternal about these faceless women. I feel extremely embarrassed about this habit but it is probably my biggest source of comfort.
  2. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Fizzle in Do You Feel Special/exceptional In The Worst Way Possible?   
    Do you truly believe you are the worst person in the world?
    Terrible in every way, alienated, below all other beings, a golem in a world of sparkling jewels?
    If so, how often do you have these thoughts?
    How much do you believe them and how has it affected your life?
    What do you hate about yourself?
    Do you have any idea what the source of your self-hatred is?
    I truly believe that I am not human. I don't know why I exist or what to do with my life. Simply existing feels horrifically existential, like my life is the anticlimactic punchline to the most nihilistic joke ever.
    Then I realize that people far better than me in every way are tortured and killed every day. They suffer horrors that I can't even imagine. Beautiful, pure, perfect people are torn apart and wasted all in the name of what?.... Nature? The order of life? Is that just how the world works?
    Yet, here I am. Mutating more every second; becoming the manifestation of all the ugliness in the universe. A visceral testament of nothing.
  3. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Fizzle in Poor Choice Of Words   
    It really is sad that most people don't see the depths of emotional damage caused by child abuse. As a young child, you still don't know who you are or what the world is like. Everything you learn will set the foundation for how you see yourself and how you form relationships.
    If a parent beats their child, what does that teach them about trust? To a child, their parent is God. Forever they will have to deal with feelings of worthlessness and fear. It doesn't just hurt the child, it continues to hurt the individual for the rest of their life. It destroys lives before they've even begun.
  4. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Fizzle in Poor Choice Of Words   
    He sounds incredibly unprofessional.
    I really get where you are coming from. I've had PTSD since I was very young due to emotional and psychological abuse from my father, but I was diagnosed with everything from depression to borderline personality disorder. It wasn't until I was raped that i was diagnosed with PTSD. It took me two years to tell anyone what happened and within that time, I was being treated for bipolar disorder. Everything I did/felt was supposedly part of my bipolar disorder. No one ever showed sympathy towards me until I told them I was raped. However, that sympathy was short lived. No one felt comfortable bringing up after things cooled down, and I certainly didn't either. I still don't but sometimes when I'm having a bad flashback, I break down and I tell someone (only my bf so far) what I'm feeling, the details of what happened and it has only been misinterpreted as me looking for a pity party. For most, my experience is unrelatable and too disturbing to hear about.
    Yet, the emotional and psychological abuse I suffered growing up is not a big deal. I feel there is no space to discuss PTSD. You are seen as either overreacting or too broken to be human. The rape haunts me, but so does recounting it to the police, being driven by where it happened, being told nothing could be done, and my father telling me it was my fault and then asking if that was why I gained weight. Many things haunt me that happened before any of that too. Would people think I had an excuse to feel bad if I wasn't raped? Probably not unless I was a veteran or a victim of a deadly assault and that really bothers me. Regardless, in the end it doesn't matter if you have an "excuse" because they only ever pretend to care.
    Honestly, the more disturbing your experience is, the less they want to be around you. They become afraid of you acting emotional; they no longer feel at ease around you. If they think your problems are trivial, they can always just tell you to "get over yourself". If they see your pain as something serious, they know they can't react that way, so they see it as better to just avoid you altogether. Nether situation is good, so PTSD is extremely alienating.
  5. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from freckledface in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    I've been trying to cope with PTSD for many years now. I can luckily say that my life is finally starting to reach a vague level or normalcy. It is likely not normal for most people, but it is the best it has been for me. I am no longer terrified life. I finally have a job and it's even full time! I am able to talk to strangers now too, though it is always a struggle. For me, this is more than I ever felt capable of.
    Unfortunately, there are still days that I feel crippled by anxiety and loneliness. I feel crazy, useless, and unloveable. I've try my hardest to comfort myself on these days. I would love to be hugged by someone but I'm not sure how. It is very hard for me to maintain friends or to get close to anyone. I have struggled with substance abuse on and off. I am sure many of you have felt the same way.
    Lately I have been self medicating again. It is hard to resist the comforting feeling I get from it. It is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. It somehow feels like everything will be ok. I like to lie under the blankets and watch mind-numbing unboxing videos with soft-spoken women on YouTube. There is something almost maternal about these faceless women. I feel extremely embarrassed about this habit but it is probably my biggest source of comfort.
  6. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Almha in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    @Fizzle
    I'm not yet sure how to respond directly to your post, so I hope this reaches you.
    Everything you said resonated very deeply with me. You seem like a very perceptive person with a lot of internal insight. I too have to disassociate myself from the person I'm looking at. I almost feel as though im kind of looking into and beyond their eyes. I can't think of it as looking into *someone's* eyes. I'm looking at *something*. Just reading that gives me American psycho vibes but I know you get what I mean. Other people are very intimidating, or even terrifying.
    I also am attracted to things that are not meant for adults. There is just a mind-numbing comfort that comes with it. I think that things made for children are very nonjudgmental, sensitive, and encouraging. I have doubts whenever making decisions and am very emotionally fragile. I tend to look at every other adult as a superior and I feel less than human.
    I honestly just want to feel like it's ok to feel like I do. I want to feel like it's ok to exist as I am but I'm honestly not sure if it is, or what is.
  7. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Fizzle in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    @Fizzle
    I'm not yet sure how to respond directly to your post, so I hope this reaches you.
    Everything you said resonated very deeply with me. You seem like a very perceptive person with a lot of internal insight. I too have to disassociate myself from the person I'm looking at. I almost feel as though im kind of looking into and beyond their eyes. I can't think of it as looking into *someone's* eyes. I'm looking at *something*. Just reading that gives me American psycho vibes but I know you get what I mean. Other people are very intimidating, or even terrifying.
    I also am attracted to things that are not meant for adults. There is just a mind-numbing comfort that comes with it. I think that things made for children are very nonjudgmental, sensitive, and encouraging. I have doubts whenever making decisions and am very emotionally fragile. I tend to look at every other adult as a superior and I feel less than human.
    I honestly just want to feel like it's ok to feel like I do. I want to feel like it's ok to exist as I am but I'm honestly not sure if it is, or what is.
  8. Like
    UFO_ reacted to Fizzle in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    Hi and welcome. Ptsd is a pain and I think it messes up our ability to connect in all sorts of ways and puts our coping abilities under extreme stress so I think it is totally normal to have all sorts of coping and I think the ones you mention are perfectly normal in context. 
     
    i relate to the eye contact thing too and hate it. In fact I realised that in a work setting what I do is a sort of dissociative thing where I sit behind my eyes so that I can look at someone. Its hard to put into words but I think it distances me enough to be able to look at the person. 
     
    I've done all sorts such as eating disorders, workaholicism (before things got too bad and that stopped being a possibility), alcohol, self harm, watching the shopping channel. cartoons, doing childrens computer games (really basic ones for v young children) for days on end etc. 
     
    One thing I hate is that I seem to at times be compelled to watch fllms or programs that are close to my trauma and potentially triggering. The thing I am most ashamed of is having a habit of visualising extreme self harm as a way of calming myself and getting to sleep. 
     
    My soft fluffy blanket and mindlessly watching things is my best calming ritual and sometimes I actually go entirely underneath it and stay there. Apparently blankets are very grounding and a lot of us use them. 
     
    I think you should be extremely proud of the progress you have made and I understand the achievement of being able to do a full time job! Please dont feel obliged to answer but have you done exposure therapy for the trauma? 
  9. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from ohgeesmiles in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    Yes, I understand what you mean. I'm not sure if I look around me, but I do have a very hard time making eye contact. It's one of those things that I have only recently been able to force myself to do and it feels so unnatural and awkward. It's very stressful.
  10. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Fizzle in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    Yes, I understand what you mean. I'm not sure if I look around me, but I do have a very hard time making eye contact. It's one of those things that I have only recently been able to force myself to do and it feels so unnatural and awkward. It's very stressful.
  11. Like
    UFO_ got a reaction from Fizzle in Does Anyone Else Try To Comfort Themselves In Unusual Ways?   
    I've been trying to cope with PTSD for many years now. I can luckily say that my life is finally starting to reach a vague level or normalcy. It is likely not normal for most people, but it is the best it has been for me. I am no longer terrified life. I finally have a job and it's even full time! I am able to talk to strangers now too, though it is always a struggle. For me, this is more than I ever felt capable of.
    Unfortunately, there are still days that I feel crippled by anxiety and loneliness. I feel crazy, useless, and unloveable. I've try my hardest to comfort myself on these days. I would love to be hugged by someone but I'm not sure how. It is very hard for me to maintain friends or to get close to anyone. I have struggled with substance abuse on and off. I am sure many of you have felt the same way.
    Lately I have been self medicating again. It is hard to resist the comforting feeling I get from it. It is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. It somehow feels like everything will be ok. I like to lie under the blankets and watch mind-numbing unboxing videos with soft-spoken women on YouTube. There is something almost maternal about these faceless women. I feel extremely embarrassed about this habit but it is probably my biggest source of comfort.
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