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First, I would strongly advise not taking any more oxy, even though your pain is severe. It's just not the kind of thing you want to ever rely on. Muscle pain and spasms are a side-effect of Effexor. I would tell your doctor about it. Also, physical therapy can make a huge difference for you and some forms of insurance cover it or at least have good co-pay. I used to get terrible neck and shoulder pain before I started working out. I can tell you what worked for me. Before exercising, I do what's called an "upper trap stretch" followed by a levator stretch, and shoulder circles. I do three sets of 30 second holds. You can look up the stretches online. For exercise, I do scap retractions with resistance bands, a rowing machine, and lat pull-downs on another pulley machine at my gym. All of these can be done with resistance bands and dumbells too :). Just pay very close attention to your form, watch yourself in a mirror until you feel that you got it down. I know medication seems like an easier route but building up the muscles in my back has completely gotten rid of my muscle pain and I feel better than ever.

This might sound totally unrelated but do you have a carbon monoxide detector in your house? Although there are many things that can cause or contribute to what you're going through, it's never a bad idea to check for a carbon monoxide leak. Low levels of carbon monoxide cause hallucinations like the ones you are describing. It's not unusual for someone to think they are losing their mind, or living in a haunted house, only to find out there was a carbon monoxide leak. The hallucinations aren't even the worst part, carbon monoxide is extremely deadly. Although this likely isn't the cause, please get a detector if you don't already have one.

It really is sad that most people don't see the depths of emotional damage caused by child abuse. As a young child, you still don't know who you are or what the world is like. Everything you learn will set the foundation for how you see yourself and how you form relationships. If a parent beats their child, what does that teach them about trust? To a child, their parent is God. Forever they will have to deal with feelings of worthlessness and fear. It doesn't just hurt the child, it continues to hurt the individual for the rest of their life. It destroys lives before they've even begun.

Taipei by Tao Lin. He's one of my favorite authors and I've been waiting to read this book for a while. I feel that it's written less stylistically than his previous books but it is my favorite so far. Taipei is part autobiographical and I see so much of myself in the main character that I sometimes have to put the book down. It brings back so many memories of my previous relationship.

He sounds incredibly unprofessional. I really get where you are coming from. I've had PTSD since I was very young due to emotional and psychological abuse from my father, but I was diagnosed with everything from depression to borderline personality disorder. It wasn't until I was raped that i was diagnosed with PTSD. It took me two years to tell anyone what happened and within that time, I was being treated for bipolar disorder. Everything I did/felt was supposedly part of my bipolar disorder. No one ever showed sympathy towards me until I told them I was raped. However, that sympathy was short lived. No one felt comfortable bringing up after things cooled down, and I certainly didn't either. I still don't but sometimes when I'm having a bad flashback, I break down and I tell someone (only my bf so far) what I'm feeling, the details of what happened and it has only been misinterpreted as me looking for a pity party. For most, my experience is unrelatable and too disturbing to hear about. Yet, the emotional and psychological abuse I suffered growing up is not a big deal. I feel there is no space to discuss PTSD. You are seen as either overreacting or too broken to be human. The rape haunts me, but so does recounting it to the police, being driven by where it happened, being told nothing could be done, and my father telling me it was my fault and then asking if that was why I gained weight. Many things haunt me that happened before any of that too. Would people think I had an excuse to feel bad if I wasn't raped? Probably not unless I was a veteran or a victim of a deadly assault and that really bothers me. Regardless, in the end it doesn't matter if you have an "excuse" because they only ever pretend to care. Honestly, the more disturbing your experience is, the less they want to be around you. They become afraid of you acting emotional; they no longer feel at ease around you. If they think your problems are trivial, they can always just tell you to "get over yourself". If they see your pain as something serious, they know they can't react that way, so they see it as better to just avoid you altogether. Nether situation is good, so PTSD is extremely alienating.

You sound like you love your son so very much. I think you are so afraid of losing him, that you think of reasons to not deserve him in your life. Every child has experiences like your son. You didn't do anything wrong. Trillions of parents send their children to school almost every day of their childhood. Every one of those children will catch a cold from exposure at their school. Many will catch the flu, or chicken pocks. Some will even be bullied. Undoubtedly, these children will cry in pain and some parents might blame themselves but very, very few people would blame the parents. You gave your son candy and that was sweet of you. You did it because you love him and I'm sure he appreciated it. You had no idea that he had a sensitivity to it. My parents gave me medications that nearly killed me but they didn't know better. it hasn't even crossed my mind to blame them. You son will get better soon and he'll be happy to have a mommy that loves and cares for him. I have very fond memories of my mom putting ear drops in my ears when I had ear infections. I was screaming in pain and I remember that pain very well but I also remember my mom trying to make it better. I was never mad that water entered my ears when she washed my hair, and led to an infection. It's impossible to not make mistakes. There's a reason why "human error" is accepted as a fact of life. If you had more insight into the lives of other mothers/children, you'd see just how normal and human you are.

A child with mental illness is a victim; an adult with mental illness is immature. That is usually the vibe I get. I'm reaching my mid-twenties and I can't help but feel that as I get older, fewer and fewer people will want to be around me. I'm afraid that I'll die alone.

Do you truly believe you are the worst person in the world? Terrible in every way, alienated, below all other beings, a golem in a world of sparkling jewels? If so, how often do you have these thoughts? How much do you believe them and how has it affected your life? What do you hate about yourself? Do you have any idea what the source of your self-hatred is? I truly believe that I am not human. I don't know why I exist or what to do with my life. Simply existing feels horrifically existential, like my life is the anticlimactic punchline to the most nihilistic joke ever. Then I realize that people far better than me in every way are tortured and killed every day. They suffer horrors that I can't even imagine. Beautiful, pure, perfect people are torn apart and wasted all in the name of what?.... Nature? The order of life? Is that just how the world works? Yet, here I am. Mutating more every second; becoming the manifestation of all the ugliness in the universe. A visceral testament of nothing.

@Fizzle I'm not yet sure how to respond directly to your post, so I hope this reaches you. Everything you said resonated very deeply with me. You seem like a very perceptive person with a lot of internal insight. I too have to disassociate myself from the person I'm looking at. I almost feel as though im kind of looking into and beyond their eyes. I can't think of it as looking into *someone's* eyes. I'm looking at *something*. Just reading that gives me American psycho vibes but I know you get what I mean. Other people are very intimidating, or even terrifying. I also am attracted to things that are not meant for adults. There is just a mind-numbing comfort that comes with it. I think that things made for children are very nonjudgmental, sensitive, and encouraging. I have doubts whenever making decisions and am very emotionally fragile. I tend to look at every other adult as a superior and I feel less than human. I honestly just want to feel like it's ok to feel like I do. I want to feel like it's ok to exist as I am but I'm honestly not sure if it is, or what is.

Nothing unusual about that, at least not to me. I watch videos like that on YoutTube all the time. I like hearing people's thoughts and seeing the expressions on their faces as they speak. When I talk to people in person, I have a nasty habit of looking all around me; so, I don't pay as much attention to their faces as I should. It makes it hard for people to read me when I do that; so, there is a bit of a disconnect going on there. I'm sure you know what I am talking about, you probably experience the same thing. Yes, I understand what you mean. I'm not sure if I look around me, but I do have a very hard time making eye contact. It's one of those things that I have only recently been able to force myself to do and it feels so unnatural and awkward. It's very stressful.

I've been trying to cope with PTSD for many years now. I can luckily say that my life is finally starting to reach a vague level or normalcy. It is likely not normal for most people, but it is the best it has been for me. I am no longer terrified life. I finally have a job and it's even full time! I am able to talk to strangers now too, though it is always a struggle. For me, this is more than I ever felt capable of. Unfortunately, there are still days that I feel crippled by anxiety and loneliness. I feel crazy, useless, and unloveable. I've try my hardest to comfort myself on these days. I would love to be hugged by someone but I'm not sure how. It is very hard for me to maintain friends or to get close to anyone. I have struggled with substance abuse on and off. I am sure many of you have felt the same way. Lately I have been self medicating again. It is hard to resist the comforting feeling I get from it. It is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket. It somehow feels like everything will be ok. I like to lie under the blankets and watch mind-numbing unboxing videos with soft-spoken women on YouTube. There is something almost maternal about these faceless women. I feel extremely embarrassed about this habit but it is probably my biggest source of comfort.