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Everything posted by virvellian

  1. this is probably going to sound demeaning, but have you tried getting a dog? animals, especially dogs, are so loving and non-judgemental that they are often used in therapy or sometimes even in trial courts. i've got a beautiful dog and i love her more than most people i know! :D trust me, if you have a dog, you will never feel unloved.
  2. i think i've been sleeping for 10 hours every night since i've been depressed. i know that's way too much, but most of the time i would rather be sleeping than awake. i'm trying to cut back on my sleeping time, though. there was an extremely dark period in my life when i was super-depressed and couldn't sleep properly. i was able to fall asleep but i would wake up every night about 2.5 hours after falling asleep. i would experience panic, anxiety and depression when i would wake up like this, so it was hard to fall asleep. i was already on lexapro at that time but i went to the hospital and the doctor gave me an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer called Loquen. i don't know what's it called in the US, but the active ingredient is quetiapine. now i'm taking 50mg every night before going to sleep and i've been sleeping properly ever since. apart from that, i sometimes listen to the sound of rain, or the sound of a hair dryer, since these sounds are really relaxing to me. if i'm feeling anxious before falling asleep, i usually listen to a guided meditation. there are a ton of those on youtube. my grandmother said that holding mudras helps her fall asleep and relieve anxiety, so i'm going to check out those. also i'd like to reccomend this free program called "f.lux" for the computer which adjusts the color of your screen according to the time of day. in the evening your screen becomes warm and pink-ish. it's really great. it can help you fall asleep faster because it changes the blue light from your screen in the evening, and blue light is not good because it makes your brain think it's daytime and that it should be awake. it's very easy (takes less than a minute) to install and doesn't interupt your computer in any way. it's completely free, just google the name flux and you'll find it.
  3. hello dave! i admire you for being so strong and fighting depression for so many years! your wife is very old fashioned, depression is objectively and scientifically a disease. hope you get better soon!
  4. hello, i can definitely relate to some of the stuff you mention here. being afraid of leaving the house, being obsessed with death, losing your mind, feeling the paranoia creeping, having bad trips... it can get pretty ugly. you said that the meds helped but you don't mention a therapist. i think a good therapist could really help you with some of this stuff.
  5. okay, here's my thoughts on this. scientific data that we have available today shows that there is no free will. our actions are just atoms behaving in line with the laws of physics. i don't really understand how that works, and i feel that i'm losing my mind when i think about those things. but what about the people who have risked their lives to help others? for example, the brave people in concentration camps in the second world war. does that mean that their actions are meaningless because humans have no free will? i don't have the answer to this question so i guess i'll choose to believe that actions are meaningful, otherwise i wouldn't want to live. secondly, i think that a big part of my depression comes from the feeling that this world is not a great place at all. i feel like there's way more evil than good. and most people either don't know that (because they are too distracted with superficial things) or are unwilling to change it. i also feel that most people are not good; they are just neutral. if some horrible disaster happened tomorrow, i think that dignity would go out of the window and people would turn into selfish animals pretty soon. then again, nothing good can come out of thinking like that so i've decided to think like this: not all people are good but all of the people have the potential to be good. i will give my best to find that potential in myself and others, and use it.
  6. hello littlewitch! i'm also from europe. sometimes i'm also worried that someone will recognise me but i'm not ashamed of my condition. if anything, we should be proud for being functional human beings in spite of horrible illness that claims our lives. i've found that writing a journal helps. i'm looking forward to reading about your progress :)
  7. if you're having trouble breathing and feeling extremely bad, you might be having a panic/anxiety attack. in any case, please seek professional help. talk to your therapist if you have one. if not, go to the nearest hospital and explain your symptoms.
  8. oh captain, my captain! i agree, anyone who is fighting depression or any kind of mental illness is a hero in my book. and hey, we're all still alive, that means we're winning the battle! i like that metaphor of fighting and being brave and being a warrior although i'm a very peaceful person who hates war and conflict. it feels better to say "i'm fighting depression" than to say "i'm suffering from depression". of course, we're all suffering from a very grave condition, but if you say you're fighting it, that empowers you because it implies that you are fighting back and that you have control over your life. every day i'm alive is a day when i kicked depression in the butt.
  9. i'd strongly advise you to try practicing yoga. it will help you feel connected to your body and also it will help you with your back pain. any kind of exercise (e.g. running, swimming) would help you connect to your body but yoga is the best. i practice yoga every day by myself and in a few months i will resume attending a yoga class. it really helps me in a lot of ways.
  10. hello there. have you heard of depersonalization or derealization? most likely that's what is happening to you. depersonalization refers to feeling of a out-of-body experience and feeling as if you're watching yourself "in third person". also sometimes it can feel like you're stoned on a hot summer day. i've had that feeling a lot of times and i find it to be worse than depression. the worst time it happened was when i first took zoloft (100mg). i quit after three days because it was unbearable and i can't imagine what would have happened if i had continued feeling that way. it felt like my mind went numb. i didn't feel depressed for those three days but it was because i couldn't feel anything at all. i literally had no feelings for the entirety of those three days and those were the worst days in my life. i have never been more terrified. i know this sounds hard but try not to think too much about it. if you worry about it, you can only make it worse. instead, i'd advise you to focus your attention on some task that you have to do. remember, if it becomes too much, you can always stop taking the pill and everything will go back to normal. this is just a temporary feeling and it does go away. talk with your doctor about this, he can put you on a different medication if you want (or he can reduce your dosage). as for me, i switched to a different SSRI which suited me much better. i hope you get better soon.
  11. i understand you. i've found that people who are more intelligent tend to be defined by that. their intelligence and rational thinking is a huge part of their identity. so it's kinda scary when a highly intelligent (sensitive, creative) person gets in that dumb and lifeless state of depression. i also find it harder to focus and concentrate, especially when reading. it can be very frustrating, since i enjoy reading and any kind of activity that stimulates me intelectually. and of course since depression changes your behaviour so profoundly and for a long stretch of time, you begin to question your identity. i find it hard to express myself completely on this topic but i hope you get what i'm trying to say. there's a good movie that you should check out called Still Alice in which a college professor and a linguist is struck by early onset Alzheimer disease. she has concerns similar to yours.
  12. today i'm struggling to work even though i work from home, on my laptop. i'm tired all day and can't even sit upright in my bed. it's too damn hot (i hate summer) and i hate that i'm so unproductive. but you have to accept that there will be days like this and just try to do your best. beating yourself about it will be even worse. as for older people unsatisfied with their jobs, i can't say anything about that because i'm too young, but i would like to believe that it's never too late to start living the life you want to live.
  13. you say you have no one - that's not true, you have a husband! and obviously you have good qualities because he chose to spend the rest of his life with you. even if you didn't have a husband, you have your worth just because you're a human, no one can take that away from you. your doctor is a jerk - find another one! everything is a challenge to you and look, you're still alive - that means you've won at least some of those challenges. i'd suggest you to start by not hating yourself and talking about your feelings with your husband. it's easier said than done but hey, no one said life was easy! :P
  14. i've found that listening to podcasts keeps me from going insane when i'm alone for a long time. there are some great podcasts out there, and even some which focus on mental illness and depression. i highly recommend these to anyone, especially people dealing with mental illness. here are the podcasts i listen to: 1. Mental Illness Happy Hour 2. Wrestling With Depression both of these podcasts are hosted by a comedian, so it's not too sentimental but it gets serious. wrestling with depression is not only about depression, other mental illnesses are also covered. MIHH features surveys filled out by listeners, which are then read anonymously on the show. 3. On Being - this one is not about mental illness but it's very profound and insightful 4. Comedy Bang Bang - this is a comedy improv podcast, i recommend it if you want to have a laugh all of these shows have different guests in each episode, it's inspiring to hear all these stories! EDIT: you can download all the episodes of these podcasts for free on their respective sites, just google their names. i would post the links but linking to external content is forbidden on this forum (i've learned that the hard way ^^) also, have you considered getting a pet? i have a dog and i couldn't imagine living without her
  15. i think that people who expect you to always be positive around them so they can feel better can't be called friends. that's actually very selfish of them. how can they be friends with someone if they never talk about serious stuff that makes up 90% of human life? they practically don't know you. also, if you can go for weeks without talking to them and they don't bother to check in on you (and they know your condition), they are not your friends. i hate to sound preachy, but i feel strongly on this issue. i know it can be frustrating when nobody cares about you because i have a group of friends with whom i hang out and we lived in the same dorm so they have seen me staring at the ceiling countless times and they know i'm depressed and i'm taking meds but we never talk about it. if i mention it casually, they change the topic. but then again, i don't want to be alone all the time so i'd rather hang out with someone who doesn't care about me. that sounds pretty ****ing miserable but luckily i have some people who care about me my psychiatrist said that most people don't know much about clinical depression because they've never had that experience so they don't know how to talk about it. it's much easier for people to talk about a broken leg or whatever. if you have a broken leg or something, they can see it and everybody is super-nice to you, whereas if you're depressed they don't know how to react. and maybe they are scared to bring it up because they think people don't want to talk about their depression.
  16. a big part of my anxiety was gone after 2-3 weeks of 10mg lexapro. i'd recommend you to hang on for another week or so and then perhaps increase the dosage if it's unbearable. definitely check with your doctor. i also had severe anxiety for the first few weeks. in the meantime, there are anti-anxitey drugs you can take that kick in immediately if you're having a really bad time.
  17. i think it's really important to visualise your future life without depression, that way you'll know which steps you have to take to get there. and that way you're acknowledging that this is just a phase and that it will pass one day. also, our brains are kinda funny because they don't make much difference between visualising things and actually doing them. so if you close your eyes and imagine you're relaxed and laying on a beach somewhere, your brain will think you're really there and maybe you'll feel a little better. i'm not entirely sure how this works but i've read that somewhere. for me, a life without depression means that i'm feeling good in my body and my mind. feeling good when i'm alone with my thoughts. not having issues like anxiety and panic attacks. not thinking about death most of the time. being confident and feeling safe.
  18. you say that you need a person to whom you can confide your negative thoughts and feelings - that's exactly why you should go to a therapist. but if you really don't want to go, i have two more things to suggest: 1. try to make some time in your day that would be only for yourself and completely stress-free. it doesn't matter how much time you save for this period, but it's very important to have some time for yourself every day. i do this every morning. i don't think about anything before i'm done with my yoga and meditation. i don't even read email. only after i'm done with these rituals, i can start worrying about my day. 2. try to engage with your life in small increments. you said that you get overwhelmed when you try to fix your life. that's because you try to tackle everything at once. this probably sounds superficial because your situation is really grave, but just try to deal with it in smaller time frames and don't worry about the big picture. ask yourself what can you do today to make your situation better, and then do that and don't worry about anything else. try to take it day by day. and don't take it too hard on yourself, you're doing a good job!
  19. hello suzy! i have been on 10mg of lexapro daily for several months and it has reduced my anxiety noticeably after approx. 2 weeks of taking it (especially morning anxiety). i no longer had panic attacks since i've started taking it. i think it also helped with my depression.
  20. of course that didn't help you. it can't help you if you're thinking "if i do this, women will want to date me". you should be thinking "i'm gonna do this because it's going to make ME feel better". this video explains everything you need to know: (and it's NOT a video on tricking women made by some ******** "pick-up artist") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCzn_C0V158
  21. yeah, or maybe he's just a giant a****** who tricks women into sleeping with him by lowering their self-esteem and pointing out their insecurities. buy a motorcycle? go to the gym? this topic is getting really depressing, even for a forum on depression. you don't need a freaking dating coach. nobody needs them. and please can we just start calling them date rapists because that's all they are. first of all, i think you're looking at the wrong places. everybody likes to party but i doubt that you're gonna engage in a meaningful conversation at a party. secondly, be the best version of yourself. go to the gym, but only if it makes you happier. once you have enough self-esteem, everything else will go swimmingly.
  22. i'm taking lexapro (10mg) every morning and Quetiapine (50mg) every evening before sleep. my doctor prescribed quetiapine for me because i would wake up every night after 2-3 hours of sleep (and also because i'm a very sad man :D). sleeping pills didn't help. also i would have super-insane panic+anxiety attacks when i would wake up. so doc gave me quetiapin and it worked like a charm. since then i have slept all night without waking up. however, i feel kinda weird on this medication so i'm hoping to get off as soon as possible. of course, i'm not going to quit cold turkey. i hope the withdrawal doesn't **** me. i would rather not know the withdrawal symptoms. anyway, about this weird feeling, it's really hard to explain. i don't really feel present. i still have emotions, and i can laugh honestly from my heart but sometimes it feels like i'm not even there. i had a similar experience on zoloft, except that was hardcore, i didn't have any feelings at all and it was the worst feeling i've ever had (and i've had a lot of really bad different feelings). it's similar to depersonalization, except not as intense, but for longer periods of time. i don't know. i just hope it's going to go away once i quit meds. and i hope i can quit meds sometime in the near future. hang in there, everyone.
  23. holy cow, how can you be weak if you're fighting depression for 8 years? you are incredibly strong for doing so! depression can often make you feel weak and miserable but the truth is, if you're waking up with depression every day and still manage to survive, you are probably more brave than most people your family seems like a huge burden, i think you'll feel much better in your own apartment and most importantly, you said that you feel like you can't allow yourself to be weak, but from my experience, sooner or later you'll have to open up to someone and face your depression head on. you can't run from it forever i'd suggest you to try psychotherapy, it has helped many people and it can help you take care!
  24. hello Majka, did you know that majka means "mother" in my language? i'm from europe. maybe you should confront your husband and explain to him that you don't really have anyone to talk to about these issues he should be your best friend and biggest support other than that, i suggest you find a good psychotherapist, they can be a good support until you get on your feet (and after that also) take care!
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