the idea of logging of life permanently has been intensifying and hovering over my thoughts for more than 2 weeks now, and as I'm writing this I don't expect anyone to understand, relate or sympathize with my situation since most of u are too far away anyway to be able to actually help, but I'm writing this here as a declaration in case I actually succeeded in leaving this world of why I did it and what drove me to do it, for my friends and family and the world to understand why. I'm probably going to print this and put it somewhere if things got really serious and when I feel that I'm ready so that its not only saved online where it could be lost in the future.
so here are the 10 reasons and I'm going to try to be clear.
1- my nationality/citizenship:-
I'm from Libya and I was graduated from pharmacy school in 2012, having great hope and plans for the future. starting a business, getting married to the women I love etc. but after what happened to Libya in 2011, all my dreams and plans went to hell, and being a Libyan and Arab national is doing me way more harm than good, especially that I am a male Libyan Arab, before the 2011 revolution the situation wasn't perfect but it was a COUNTRY it was a place u could live in, it was stable and u could make a living and live a relatively satisfactory life. but since thing got really bad in 2013 we had to abandoned our homes and business money transfers out of the country is very rare( so we can continue residing in egypt) . the government or more of lack of is not providing any assistance of any kind, in fact my passport is about to go expire in a couple of months and I am unable to renew it ( get anew passport since its out of pages ) for the lack of materials or as the embassy says, more like lack of connections and bribes to pay your way to a new passport. this will give u an idea on how I'm virtually stateless better yet being stateless is better since u won't be attached a stigma of being from Libya and a citizen of the middle east in general.
2- unable to see a bright future:-
for all my life I have been generally hopeful about life, since when one is young there is always seems to have plenty of time to become what u really want and so no matter how things got bad I always found a way to justify bad things happening and unfolding into good things............... now it's blank, its all gone, I can no longer see the future, some people don't feel this but the fact that ur from a 1st world country opens up a lot of opportunities and possibilities, for example if you apply for a postgraduate program somewhere u won't get a letter stating that u must have a residency in that country in order to qualify for a place in the university or the embassy of that country asking for a 5 figure bank statement in your name and a punch of assets in your name in order to give u the Visa to go seek a master degree in their country (talking from experience). the year I graduated from pharmacy school is the moment my country went to hell, i graduated at 22 or 23 and now I'm 26 so this bad situation wasted 4 years of my prime years where most people accomplish themselves in.
3- I'm trapped:-
I know that most of the reasons I'm feeling suicidal now all link to the fact that I'm from war cursed middle eastern country, which is probably true. the thing about being from a country Like libya is that no one and place or country want to have u, for example once it all went to hell in libya in 2014 me and my family went to UAE to start a life there, started a small investment with our savings ( 90k $) all my family got residency except me!! we tried and tried and tried, but they always rejected me, now mind you I havn't done anything criminal what so ever in my life, but after doing some digging I found out that some Libyans in UAE were trouble-making in Dubai and so the UAE government stopped giving Libyan males residency. so basically I'm paying the price for other people mistakes, again my cursed Libyan nationality is doing me more bad than good.
now being the only son with 3 sisters my parents decided that we move to Egypt since they accept Libyan males and give residency if you study there, in which case I did, now if some of you know Egypt, it's like a slightly better version of india, it's basically a semi slum, now being from Libya, open spaces I'm used to living in a suburban neighborhood, or a small farm where fresh air and quietness, blue skies and just generally a rural way of living, a natural way of living, where in the afternoon u take a walk in ur garden and smell fresh air, but now out of the sudden I'm forced to live in a small flat with my family where u never see the sun in a polluted city and traffic, crowd everywhere. now in this regard I still see myself living better than alot of people............ but is it worth it ?! if ur not living the happy life that u want or at least working toward it then why live to begin with why continue living!?
4- I'm jobless:-
OK so basically being the only boy and growing up my parents especially my mom has been and still very protective of me, and so I was never allowed to have a job on my own, after I graduated I worked briefly in the family business which is a passive aggressive environment with alot of emotional abuse and domination, which I didn't like that much, now I know this sound like a domestic case but here in this part of the world there is no institutes that are willing to help u and take care of ur rights and make ur parents understand the right way. here if u disobey ur parents ur an outcast and will always be looked at as a bad person. now my mom is not a bad person neither is my dad but I was never allowed to explore my options and life. . . .
now that we're living in Egypt, being a pharmacist my qualification is not retail but lab and research and there no job for pharmacists in this region that fits this, so if I'm gonna work as a pharmacist then I must dispense drugs be up against pharmacist that have been trained since before college to dispense drugs so they have 8 -10 years learning everything about dispensing, drug names, trade names etc everything. so entering this market is almost impossible and the pay which is approx 250$ a month salary is not even worth working for since it won't support any expenses.
5- the girl I loved and wanted to get married to is gone:-
Ok so after it all went to hell, she went to UK to finish her studies, running away from the situation in Libya and we all know that long distance relationships are tough, shes an Iraqi national and a female a straight A student with alot of experience in her field ( older than me) so getting a Visa to UK is not hard as I said for Females its easier since 1st world countries perceive Arab males as a more security threat than females. now I tried to stay in touch and tried to keep things going, but I no longer have anything to offer in the relationship and I can no longer maintain my promise of marrying her ( since all the plans are shattered) and so to not stop in her future and make her explore her options ( cuz I love her) I had to let her go to not hurt her and her future. long story short due to circumstances I had to end something that I didn't want to.
6- pressure of marriage from my family:-
being 26 and not married in society here is kinda of weird, my family especially my father has been putting alot of pressure on me to get married, now the thing about older people and our parents is that they don't see the world as we see it, for them they want grand children for me, the way I see it is that I'm already living with 3 sisters which are a burden to carry and the last thing I want is add another girl into the mix in these tough circumstances and the sheer fact that bringing a child into this world where he is Libyan seems like a crime against this child, since I'm only bringing him to a reality of emotional and possibly physical abuse, low living standards and a war riddled country with no clear future in sight, my father doesn't see this, he thinks about having a grand son but with all do respect to him I'm the one who`s gonna live with this decision for the rest of my life, may he live long someday he'll pass away and I'm gonna have to live with his decision, worst yet, how in the world can I raise a family on my own in an unstable environment, its not fair to them or to me.
7- our home is gone:-
we left our house in 2014 when the war broke in the area between the newly formed army and ISIS in Benghazi, and we've been living in Egypt ever since, just a few weeks ago the area was finally liberated from ISIS holding, and they left our houses in a very very bad shape, the house we use to live in is a big 4 story building. everything was stolen, alot of bullet holes, our cars are all stolen 4 cars ( jeep liberty, 2 Hyundai, jeep Cherokee) along with some medical equipment worth close to 1million $ that we were gonna open a new hospital with ( family business) thinking that the country will be good again. so now there is nothing to go back to, of course the natural way of things is Libya being an oid rich country the government is suppose to compensate our loses and help us out, but of course the government is MIA, they came and inspect, but when it comes to actual helping and funding no one would help us...... here is a Flicr album of the damage done to our property, so that the world will understand more about the situation.https://www.flickr.com/gp/38592521@N04/B5R50A
8- I'm angry with God:-
I'm not a religious guy but I'm ur average Muslim person, and no whatever prejudice u have about me or us as Muslims just drop it for a second and listen to what I have to say, now I generally believe in God, that he exist in the past prior to 2014 I use to pray and be committed like an average muslim but going through these past 5 years, I doubted everything I have ever believed in, when u see the good people are suffering, and criminal, ******s and thieves getting rich and living a free and great life, u start to question the grand plan, that and the fact that why in the world is the muslim community, u know the scholars, the so called leaders of Islam are not doing a damn thing regarding ISIS........ why aren't they fighting them back?! why are they letting them do all this pain, death and suffering to us ?!!
I'm angry at God and Mad, all our lives my family have done nothing but good and give back to the community, our family business is a clinic and a small hospital and we do a lot of charity work especially my mother. as for me, I always try to do good when I can. so why is this happening to US!!! why criminals, thieves and people who are hurting the country and profiting out of people sorrows are walking the streets happy!!!??? if this the life and the world that I'm suppose to live in then I simply don't want to live in it anymore, a world where the corrupt and bad prospers and the good folks get dealt the bad hand.!!
9- two dead cousins and friends:-
we live near my uncle and aunts and so we get to grow up as one big family where our cousins are like our childhood friends, in 2011 when the war started my cousin who is half american ( not that it makes a difference) died fighting ghadaffi forces, dying for freedom. now I won't say that we were super close....... but this cousin especially him, he was always coming around our house checking up on me and wanting to hang out..... he didn't want anything he just wanted my company :(. now that I think about this I'm starting to cry ............... why people like him get to die and me go on living............. his more deserving to live ................. he was in the boy scout and generally a giving person..... until he gave his life for the freedom of the Libyan people which obviously failed ....... my second cousin who died, we weren't really close, he was from my father side and he died when he and a punch of friends and far a way relative were handing out chatting in front of their house in benghazi when suddenly an ISIS artillery round landed right on them. 8 people died that day. . . . . . . . he was one of them . . . . . that day I was so devastated I couldn't stop crying, we weren't really close but in family gathering he always went through the extra mile to make everyone feel comfortable and at home, he was a giver as well, someone who liked people and loved helping them..... why they both died and I'm still alive?!, this isn't fair.........!! they deserve to live more than me !
10- can't start over. no way out:-
I am a Croatian born and through out the years I have made several attempts to try and obtain a citizenship but failed. since I loved Croatia when I was a little boy. my parents never made the effort to make sure I got a citizenship and by the time I realized that I could live there I was too old for a citizenship, the reason I'm saying this is that I was never able to look eye to eye with Libyan people believes and way of life............ it's a tribal system that value u on ur tribe and not as an individual and so I always looked forward to travel and hopefully live in a country where human rights is respected, equality is achieved and where one doesn't feel discriminated against all the time, in Libya u can't get anything done if u don't have connections, the whole system is corrupt. this rubbed me the wrong way. since I believe as a citizen to a country and a tax payer u should always have access to the services, stuff as simple as getting a new passport done, birth certificates, driving license renewal. just the normal everyday government papers that ur not suppose to jump through hoops to acquire. this and the fact that the Libyan society is generally a fight or flight, dominating atmosphere most of the time, especially in conflicts, either my way or the high way, which explains all the violence that is going on after the and during the revolution in 2011. and me believing that we as humans are superior creatures and should never revert to violence to solve our issues, this has always been seen rather than a strength a weakness since they could never understood this.
mentioning all the above and seeing the situation in Syria and the immigration crisis now, in Cairo 1st world countries embassies wouldn't even let u get in their embassies if u don't have a prior appointment where u don't get if ur not a citizen of that country in the 1st place. European countries are too busy with Syrians and are putting more and more restrictions on immigration and visas making it impossible for any one from region to travel to Europe fearing u'll seek asylum on arrival, and australia,USA and Canada are doing the same thing fearing of potential terrorist. and once I apply and get rejected in one place, every other country will treat this as a red flag and I won't be able to go anywhere. basically I'm trapped between Libya and Egypt with my family that has tons of debt ( wanting to open a new hospital in 2012 then the equipment got stolen, and a sitting asset that no one wants to buy in a war ridden country) with no where to go and no bright future ahead to look forward to.
these are the 10 reason as a declaration of my intent to end it, so that it's not a mystery of my reasons.
in the middle of writing this I cried and stopped a while and in the midst of crying there was a scissor near by and I cut my arm a bit out of frustration, I never exerted this kind of behavior before but I don't know what I'm suppose to do with myself, the lack of options and the frustration, sadness and pain I'm going through is unbearable.
the only thing that is stopping me from proceeding is that I don't want my family to blame themselves nor I want my mom who has a weak heart to Die from sadness and ruin my sisters lives. if I can do it without anyone suffering and with no impact what so ever I would have.
I don't expect anyone in the forum to understand or relate, words can never paint a full picture and I'm sure there are alot of details I left out. and plz don't try to give solutions just by talking, saying life is valuable and all this non-sense no action all talk speech. if u want to help then u must have something that of a real solution not just talk. if I walk down the street right now and say I want to commit suicide 1000 people will try to talk me out of it while 0 would actually put the effort to really help. so please save the pip talk.
one last note, some would say don't worry Libya will be better ............. my reply would be really!? look at Iraq now their pushing 15 years in war and terror, what makes u think Libya is any different?! for 5 years now I have been convincing myself that its going to be better........ lets be realistic some predictions say its close to 20 -30 years until a glimpse of hope for Libya appears.......... and I'm certainly not gonna wait that long for something that is more of a Dream.