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XLadyofShalottX

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Everything posted by XLadyofShalottX

  1. I'm exhausted and tired of feeling this pain every day of my life. Nothing ever changes for me.
  2. Drained. I haven't been able to sleep well for about a week, despite being exhausted. Stayed in bed all day and just tried to not think about anything too much. I don't think I've ever felt as lonely as I have in the past week. I just want to be able to sleep so I can escape everything going on in my head. Relief never comes.
  3. I can't remember ever being happy. There has always been something missing or wrong, no matter how close I came to it. Always a missing piece that aches because I don't know how to mend it. I do get occasional fleeting moments when I feel a tinge of what I would consider peace, but it never lasts longer than a few seconds or minutes. I feel suspended more than anything else, like I'm stuck between so many emotions that I'm at a stand still and feel numb. Not sure if that makes any sense, but nothing ever seems to be simple when it comes to me. ~Rose
  4. Sad. I've been thinking about someone that isn't in my life anymore. I miss them a lot, but I had to end things with them. Why is it that sometimes the only way to do the right thing is to hurt the person you care ahout the most and lose them entirely? It sucks. Also, my head is hurting from having a little too much to drink. Oddly, I don't really mind it. Nice distraction.
  5. Put a yard sale together and made $50. Wish I had sold more, but the money will help me buy a textbook for college, so I'm not complaining too much.
  6. Empty and somehow full to the brim with emotions I can't even label. Is that possible? Apparently with my screwed up mind it is . Also, really, really lonely. I decided to re activate my facebook account and regret it. Facebook is nothing but trigger city for me. This time I'm done with it for good.
  7. I'm so sorry, Rose. Please be kind to yourself. I've learned I cannot fight the entire world. All I can do is try to live in it as it is. Hang in there. You are worth it. Peace I'm just worn out and used up. I want nothing more than to be able to close my eyes and sleep, but I can't. I managed to sleep an hour or two last night, but my brain just wouldn't rest. It never leaves me alone. I have no escape. I'm so lonely. I'm tired of watching everyone around me experiencing life and making memories while I slowly lose my mind a little more every day. I try to escape and it hurts even more. I just want it to end. Thank you for responding to me ♡ I'm so glad that things are going better for you. You deserve it. Echoing Starsea's message... do be kind to yourself. And sorry I missed your message earlier. I hope you can get some good rest... there's always a next time, a next try when you're feeling up for it. There's always someone to relate to, even if it's a brief encounter with the clerk at the grocery store or someone kind behind the counter if you get some coffee or a treat. A smile is worth a thousand words. Smile at someone and they may smile back. Someone smiling back feels good. Thank you. The problem, though, is that no matter how much interaction I have with other people, it's just not enough. No encounter or relationship is ever enough. I smile at people every time I make eye contact with them. It does nothing, really, just helps me keep up my facade so I can pretend for a little while. I'm empty no matter what I do. I'm just afraid I might seriously be done for real this time. I appreciate you guys taking the time to respond ♡ I've just fallen too far this time and it's going to be a miracle if I can claw myself out again.
  8. I'm so sorry, Rose. Please be kind to yourself. I've learned I cannot fight the entire world. All I can do is try to live in it as it is. Hang in there. You are worth it. Peace I'm just worn out and used up. I want nothing more than to be able to close my eyes and sleep, but I can't. I managed to sleep an hour or two last night, but my brain just wouldn't rest. It never leaves me alone. I have no escape. I'm so lonely. I'm tired of watching everyone around me experiencing life and making memories while I slowly lose my mind a little more every day. I try to escape and it hurts even more. I just want it to end. Thank you for responding to me ♡ I'm so glad that things are going better for you. You deserve it.
  9. Just had an anxiety attack. Not the worst I've had, but my entire body is shaking. Had the brilliant idea that I was going to go out and try interacting with people. Big mistake. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, so I don't know why I expected this time to be any different. I am so drained and my throat feels like it's raw. I don't want to exist right now. I want to crawl into bed and just let my mind drift away. I can't take this anymore. Why do I even try? I either exist with this lonliness eating away at me, isolated from the world, or I try to fight it and end up a battered wreck. I lose, no matter what I choose. I just want this to end. I'm so tired of fighting for a life that's always been empty and full of disappointment.
  10. I feel really, really p***** off right now. Human beings are such bizarre beings. We're capable of so much love and beauty, but that attribute seems to fade out when I look around and see how much **** we're capable of, especially towards each other. Anything different is immediately marked as wrong and not worth the effort. A person who is different is thrown aside and left behind, just because people are too weak and lazy to try and undedstand what is going on with them. What is wrong with us? I'm not even talking about myself. I have a friend who has been treated like crap throughout the years just because he is different. He has been picked on and called creepy just because he has a disorder that causes him to not be able to interact with the world in the same way that most people can. It causes a degree of social awkwardness that makes it difficult for him to make friends and be social. It's painful to be so isolated from the world. No one cares, though. It's too easy to pass judgment and go along with the crowd. People disgust me, and they make the world a terrible place. Now I see why I've never wanted to be a part of it.
  11. Went out to dinner with a friend and actually had a really good time. It's been a long time since I really enjoyed being in a public place with someone else.
  12. I took my final exam and managed to do well in all of my classes. Hopefully this time next year I will have already graduated college and found a decent job with my degree. At least I have some accomplishments underway.
  13. Still pretty upset, but today was my last day of classes for a month, so I'm excited about my break. I'm going to recede into my own little world and forget about everything for a while. Sometimes there's just too much noise and I need an escape.
  14. I've been doing this since I was three. It has gotten so much worse in the past few years. I haven't been able to wear a bathing suit in 10 years and tank tops/short sleeve shirts are impossible. The only areas on my body that don't look terrible are my legs, but I'm worried that that will change if things don't stop spinning out of control. I am so tired of always having to hide and cover my body up. This has pretty much ruined my life. My social life is empty and I feel like I have to spend my days off hiding in my house trying to recover. Just spent 2 hours in the bathroom picking. I am exhausted. It feels like relief will never come. ~Rose
  15. Hey there, So sorry you're feeling this way :verysad3: I've been there and know exactly how you feel. But many people really do like to just show it off, as though it's the greatest accomplishment in life to get engaged. But there's so much more to life than that. Not to denigrate marriage or anything, but there's so more to life than just getting married. There's finding yourself, being your own person, growing, learning, finding a place in this world that feels right for you, maybe doing some good in this world somehow, giving to others, broadening your horizons and becoming a better person for it. Living, learning, exploring, falling down, getting up, & trying again. That's what life is.... but many people are tunnel visioned and are all about just marriage and kids as their life goals. And not to knock that, but it's a more narrow vision, & more limiting. Also remember that more than 50% of couples get divorced... so what looks like roses now, half those people most likely will be divorced. Not to sound like it's something another should delight in, but that statistic always makes me personally feel better when I feel that way.... and if you feel like you can't create close meaningful relationships, perhaps by recognizing the fact that you may want one may help you to take steps in creating something more meaningful for yourself? Just some thoughts.. not sure if this helps you any & wishing I had better/more helpful things to say, but sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs your way Thank you so much for writing that ♡ I know there is more to life, but I can't get out and do a lot of the things that other people can. I have a very severe case of dermatillomania, so my skin looks terrible 99% of the time, especially since school has been so stressful. When I'm not in school, I'm usually at home trying to recover from an episode. Summer is terrible and I am rarely able to get out and do things because of the heat and my need to hide my skin with clothing. It's just very hard for me to socialize when I'm going through a rough spot. Relationships seem so alluring to me because I'm afraid no one will be able to accept what I have and how it makes me look. I just want to be loved unconditionally by someone and that's rare in a superficial world. I've never really been good at making and keeping friends, either, so that doesn't help things any. Once again, thank you for taking the time to write that :) it made me feel better.
  16. Lonely. I went to classes today and was bombarded by everyone showing off their engagement rings and talking about their weddings next year. Out of a program of 27 people, I'm the only one that is single. I feel like a horrible person because of how jealous I get over everyone around me who is in a relationship, but I can't seem to control it. I'm drowning in how inadequate I feel. It would be one thing if I just didn't have a boyfriend, but I can't seem to form a meaningful, close relationship with anyone. Tonight is an empty night. I feel like my heart is bleeding.
  17. I used to let it show quite a bit, but I got so much crap thrown at me because of it that I just started acting like I wasn't depressed. No one would listen to me when I tried to explain to them how I was feeling. It actually became a lot less tiring to just pretend than it did to try and make people understand. Most people in my life just don't care how I really feel. They see what they want to see. ~Rose
  18. I managed to study in advance for my exam next week. I was even able to get most of my study guide filled out. Lately, I haven't been able to study much due to my mood and was beginning to procrastinate a lot more than usual. Today was a pretty good step forward, even if I still feel like hell.
  19. Feeling really anxious about school next week. It's my last week before a month long vacation. I'm excited about getting a break, probably more than I should be. I know what will happen. I'll spend my entire break sleeping and moping around at home, more than likely falling into a deeper depression than I already have. Oddly, though, I'm still looking forward to it for some odd reason. I guess it's just the thought of not having to put on a mask and pretend that I'm ok. I can lock myself in my house and just let the facade drop. Even if I'm far from being alright, honesty will be a relief, and I won't be in school. My anxiety has been through the roof lately.
  20. Yes, it is very depressing, but most types of dating are for me. I never really knew true disappointment until I started dating. If it wasn't on my side, it was on theirs. The harsh reality is that most relationships are doomed to fail. It is extremely difficult for two people to stay together and be happy, because we are always changing and being altered by situations around us. Sometimes those changes make it impossible for us to remain compatible. Tough, but that's reality. As for online dating, I have had two relationships that started online. The first one didn't end well, but that wasn't really because of how it started. The person was actually quite honest and truthful about who they were, and we only lived an hour away. Still, I think we all tend to project our ideas of what a person will be like in our minds, whether we realize it or not. The reality starts to be blurred out by our expectations, and usually those expectations are shattered in some way. It's not the same as being with someone in person and getting to know their body language and mannerisms. Physical chemistry also plays a bigger role than a lot of people might think, which is impossible to translate through text. And you never truly know if someone is being honest with you. There are so many creeps out there. I have had some scary experiences that have almost made me completely delete every account I've ever had. It has worked for a lot of people, though, so maybe it just depends on the circumstances? For me, though, I think I'll just stay away from dating sites. It's been more trouble than anything else. ~Rose
  21. I am sick of everything today. I keep trying to be who I really am on the inside, but I keep getting shut down by everyone around me. Every time I try to explain something to someone, they never understand. I am so tired. My life is never going to change, and I'll always feel inadequate around other people. I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a thousand years. There is nothing for me here.
  22. Right now, I feel OK. To be honest, that's as close as I get to being happy. Here's to hoping it lasts longer than a few hours this time.
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