Jump to content


Junior Member
  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  1. I'm sorry FeelinBlue, that's a lot to take on at once. I feel for you. I was just starting to get my life back last year, and depression has taken a lot of that away from me. It's incredibly frustrating and feels very unfair. I don't like to give too much advice but I really hope you consider medication. I know it can be scary and no one likes side effects but I know so many people whose lives have changed just from getting on the right meds. You don't sound whiny, shallow, vain, or stupid. You're being strong and talking about it, which is not easy. Finding the right therapist can be frustrating but they're out there, and you deserve it so I hope you keep trying. And I hope you keep us posted
  2. I think that's a great and healthy way to live. My sister used to help wealthy families get rid of material possessions. The goal would be to get down to a certain number of items - something like 60 items for a couple, which apparently isn't very much. I think a set of forks would count as one item. Anyway, although it's tough to let go of some things, she said they were almost always much happier when they were done. I think there's a line somewhere between buying a bunch of useless junk and electronics to change how you feel, and hanging a nice painting because it looks nice and has therapeutic value. You seem to have found your sweet spot, which is awesome. You know, I appreciate you bringing this up. I need to throw a bunch of stuff away. Thanks!
  3. Hey Noomtack, I can totally relate to all of this. I bet most people can. I did the same thing with fitness. A few things may have contributed to this - compensating for alcoholism, manic/depressive episodes from Bipolar II, trying to impress a girl, etc. However, I think what it boiled down to was this belief: "Once I have ____, I'll be happy and content." It could be any number of things - muscles, the "right" girlfriend, lots of money. So I'd go nuts, spend 2 hours at the gym every day, get in great shape, but I was still unhappy. Then I'd let go, eat like crap, get into terrible shape, and then have that thought again - if I just get into great shape, I'll be happy. It was a pattern of changing everything I could on the outside to change how I felt on the inside. The solution for me personally was of course getting sober, and then working on myself to try to find some peace and contentment (a work in progress). This includes proper medication for some untreated disorders, counseling, and helping others (which I don't do enough of). The goal is to not have this desperate urge to change how I feel. If I love myself for who I am, I can accomplish that. Also, like you, I've tortured myself by constantly questioning my motives. I remember I was about 3 months sober and I met this guy who was just about to go into rehab. He was nervous, and I felt bad for him, so I talked to him for a while to calm his nerves, and ended up giving him a ride home and talking to his family for a while. They were all really impressed by how much I knew about addiction, and his sister was really cute, so I was feeling pretty good about myself. They thanked me profusely on the way out. Then on the way home, I started feeling like an a******. I was supposed to be helping my fellow alcoholic/addict, and I was using him to put myself up on a pedestal in front of his hot sister and his family. What I eventually realized was that it's okay and normal to think selfishly, to a degree. I wanted to help the guy out, because I could empathize with him, and it didn't make me a bad person if I enjoyed some of the fringe benefits of that, like the ego boost from his family's approval. With the wheelchair lady, you thought "what does this mean for her," and "what does this mean for me." Anyone, besides a sociopath I suppose, would immediately think that. I think the fact that this is even bothering you indicates that you are not a particularly selfish person. You are thinking about others, and yourself. I find that it can change day to day with me - if one day I'm mad at the world, and blaming it for all of my problems, most of my thoughts that day will be "how do I make myself feel better" and "what's in it for me?" If the next day I feel good about myself, and remember the reasons I have value, and maybe go out of my way to help someone without expecting anything in return, my thoughts will naturally be with others. It sounds like you're just experiencing conflict between your values and your behavior. You value caring for others, but discontent is leading you to act and think a little selfishly. So the questions may be, what issues are causing your discontent, and how to you resolve them? Or who knows, I'm no shrink. At this point I'm just thinking out loud so I'll end there. Thanks for sharing!
  4. Do you get irritated or even angry when someone who doesn't have depression tries to give you advice? While depressed I generally don't get angry *except* when someone tries to help, unless they are a professional or someone else with depression. I think there a few reasons I have such a negative reaction: -In their mind, "just going for a walk" does not feel like climbing a mountain; it's a reminder that they don't understand -While part of it may be an effort to help, I think sometimes it's because my depression makes them uncomfortable. They're tired of being around it, adding to my guilt. -It can come off as "If only you'd do more of this/try harder, you'd feel better." -I already feel guilty for not being proactive about feeling better, and they just remind me of that I'm curious how everyone else deals with this. I have Bipolar II and this is my first depressive episode without alcohol, so this is a pretty new experience for me.
  5. Hey, welcome! I feel very much the same way right now. Please vent as much as you feel necessary. Listening to others vent is very helpful for me - it reminds me I'm not the only one in the world with problems (I'm good at convincing myself of that). I also try to remember that when I'm going on about how I feel, it may be helping others, and there's no reason to feel guilty. Sorry you aren't feeling well, and just know there are a ton of people here who understand.
  6. I've been taking Wellbutrin XL150 and aside from initially triggering a manic episode, mild anxiety has been my only side effect. Photosensitivity appears to affect around .2% of users http://www.ehealthme.com/ds/wellbutrin+xl/photosensitivity+reaction(other sites say less than .1%) I hope it works for you!
  7. Hey, you sound like an awesome sibling. My older sister actually texted me about a week ago asking if I was suicidal. I wasn't bothered and appreciated that she recognized that I was in pain. http://www.suicide.org/how-to-help-a-suicidal-person.htmlThis is a good resource with a basic conversation guideline. I do think it's important that your parents have a better understanding of mental illnesses. Your dad may seem like he's set in his ways of thinking, but during my stay in rehab I saw plenty of parents completely change their perspective. There are few things that can make a depressed person feel worse than when a loved one minimizes the seriousness of their condition. I'd love to hear updates, but if I don't, best of luck.
  8. Hey Moogie, I think this is a good topic. Simply put, it is not hypocrisy if you are not claiming to do it yourself. If you claim to be humble, and tell someone to practice humility, while not doing so yourself, you are a hypocrite. If you tell someone going for a walk every morning will make them feel better even if you never leave the house, you are not a hypocrite. Sometimes I don't feel comfortable giving advice directly so I may say something like, "I had this problem too, and this is what worked for me," or "I know a lot of people like to do this, because they get this result."
  9. I hear you. I've left the house maybe 5 times in the past 2 weeks. I was reminded yesterday that often times, action comes before motivation. Sometimes the motivation to run an extra two miles comes after running the first mile. Tomorrow I am going to set a very small simple goal of going for a walk or to the store. I'm sure it won't make me feel any worse. I still dread doing it though.
  10. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I can relate - successful friends, apathy, hard work amounting to nothing. All I can do is remind myself that I'm sick right now. My mind has me convinced that I'll never be happy and there's no point in going on, but I know logically and from others' experience that it's just not the case. So I just keep waking up and moving forward. I have been staring at this for about 15 minutes and can't think of anything else to say so I guess I can relate to feeling hazy too I do have a question. How long have you felt like you did today?
  11. I hear you. I bounce between being angry and being accepting that so many people don't care or understand. What gives me hope is that while we still have a long way to go, more and more people are recognizing it as a true illness. But I agree - not feeling understood is one of the hardest parts.
  12. I couldn't have said it better. I use a burst of energy and willpower to get myself into the shower, but that's about all I can manage. It's surreal, really. I keep thinking maybe it's just all in my head, even though all evidence indicates otherwise.
  13. This is extremely helpful, thank you. There's a fine line between being kind to myself and going into full blown excuse mode. I spent years in alcoholism and addiction trying (unsuccessfully) to capture that "perfect" feeling. Feeling marginally better was never enough. I think that's what I'm feeling right now - sure, I could take some steps to feel a little better, but if I'm not going to feel *great*, what's the point? Maybe I need to learn to be okay with just being okay. I'm just not sure how to get there. While my original post may mostly make sense logically, it's not really about any of that. I think the reality is, I am angry that I put so much into getting sober, something that at the very *least* was supposed to make me feel okay, and I don't feel okay. Extreme self-pity, is what it is. Familiar old feelings from a week into sobriety. Thanks again for your response. You reminded me that action often precedes motivation. I'll take some action and see what happens.
  14. Excellent, thank you for the response. I have filed an appeal and included the medical records. Wish me luck!
  15. It did help me to go through that struggle with alcoholism before facing it with depression. It definitely depends on who I'm talking to. Many people (often perfectly nice people) may want an explanation but are not too interested in truly sympathizing. I can accept this. I think if someone were having their own struggle with something tangible, like a divorce, or a layoff, it would be a challenge to sympathize with someone who acted sad and lazy for no visible reason. Alcoholism is a good example - they may say "Addiction sounds difficult!" while thinking "Why can't he just control himself like I do?" There are the rare few who are willing and able to fully let go of any ideas they may have about this disease and listen with an open mind and heart. One of those conversations will change my entire week. I never really answered the original question. This is all fairly new to me - I self medicated my Bipolar II with alcohol until about a year ago, so I have not done much explaining. I've found myself talking about my "reward system" a lot. "You know how when you meet a friend, you feel good? My reward system is broken, so it doesn't feel good for me." And then maybe I'll give some examples. I don't know how technically accurate my "reward system" talk is, but that's fine, and it sort of satisfies people. I think saying things like "broken," or "not working correctly," or "brain chemicals" can introduce or reinforce the fact that it is a disease, and not a decision, or a feeling cause by anything other than our illness. Great explanation in your original post, by the way. I had this conversation with my mom for maybe the fifth time today, and said something very similar to your first two sentences. Thanks for a good topic
  • Create New...