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PessimOptimist last won the day on October 23 2015

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About PessimOptimist

  • Birthday 07/11/1970

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  1. First wanted to wish everyone here a Merry Christmas and say thank you for your help and support getting me through this year. I haven't posted in a couple weeks as I've been mostly down. In terms of depression I'm better than I have been but still searching for the right pdoc/med/therapist combination as I still have depressed days roughly 60% of the time each month. In terms of loneliness, heartache, and longing, Christmas Eve and Day are the worst two days of the year as my wife loved this time of year more than any and did so much for me and my kids...the whole family. And she held on to make it through this time of year so she wouldn't die during this holiday for her kids. On Dec. 31st she said she was ready and we left for the hospital for the last time. She passed on Jan 16. An incredible, strong, and loving woman. And I still miss her terribly...beyond any words I have in my vocabulary to express. Well this thread is for posting how we feel right now...and so it is. Thanks again to everyone and I hope each of you are able to find moments of peace during the holidays and that they don't totally suck the whole time! :) Peace, PO
  2. Merry Christmas everyone. Perhaps after holiday chocolate, cookies, and bread today we can start getting off our butts again tomorrow!
  3. Missed a couple days posting...oh well. I did 20 mins on my exercise bike this morning and walked 16 blocks at lunch.
  4. Instead of "exercise" today I did a solid 2 hours of manual labor tearing down some lattice work and framing under my deck so workers can get in to replace and pack soil that eroded away as well as moved 100 pave stones and a bunch of miscellaneous wood scraps out. I feel like I spent hours in the gym I'm so sore but felt really good about getting this done today while it was unseasonably warm (80°) and before the rain comes tomorrow and the cold weather behind it. Should sleep well tonight.
  5. Well damn JD. That completely sucks and is ridiculously unfair. Wish I had a lawyer friend who might could give a suggestion of what to do if anything can be done. Really hate to read this post. Try to keep your head up man.
  6. Had a decent day today. Got up and did a little exercise, ran a couple errands and then made it to my therapeutic massage. Then I came home and poured myself into bed because I was so relaxed and took a guilt free nap. Made sure to get up when I woke up and finally went with my daughter to get a Christmas tree. We love the smell of the live trees. Then comes the difficult part where we decorate and we always hang up a memory wreath we made after my wife passed. But since I'm doing a better today and this year, I was able to speak fondly of memories with the kids and share how they are like their mother in different ways. A bit bitter-sweet I suppose.
  7. I played ping pong with my son for around 30 minutes. Now that's some fun exercise! Plus I always kick his ass and he gets so mad. LOL. Hey Els1e! You get up off your ass yet? LOL. If I "bugger off" for 10 mins does that count? Isn't that like twerking where you're from?
  8. Well no general employee public wifi that's not monitored. It means I have to use my data plan to check email and messages on my phone too which sucks. But my company provided laptop will be connected to a fiber network so I'll be able to get the latest from ESPN and BleacherReport in a flash! LOL. Hey, at least they said they didn't care if we streamed Pandora on our laptops. I just won't be able to drop in on DF during work any more on days when I'm really struggling like I used to. Or search anything personal of a sensitive nature on my lunch or breaks. It will be a huge adjustment. But that's ok, they want to take all our freedom and small privileges away and monitor us like crazy...they'll get exactly 40 hours from me and I will take a full 1 hour lunch and two 15 minute breaks per day.
  9. Hey Duck, you're right. At least they were polite and addressed you as 'sir'. You never know what they are dealing with and they certainly have no idea what all you are experiencing and coping with either. Let it slide man, let it slide. By all means though, if you feel compelled to do something...PM a mod with their info.
  10. I'm feeling ok at the moment, not good, not bad...just here. Packed up everything today at my desk as they are moving our stuff to the new office over the weekend. Can't wait to start Monday at my new micro cube with desk half the size and walls half as high as the one I'm leaving. Oh, and no storage space either. And a glass wall behind me where everyone can see everything on my desk and monitors. Not to mention the noise level should increase substantially with 14 of us packed in a room half the size of what we had. They actually installed a white noise system. So pathetic and really an insult to the people who are responsible for the company to even have anything to sell in the first place. They're also taking away the public wifi we had in the office so we have nothing to connect our phones to. All network activity is monitored. Badge access system, monitored. And there's a closed circuit video monitoring system in the the new office so they can watch our every move. And best of all my insurance will be going up $35 per month next year. All this from a company that posted a profit of $473 million last fiscal year (no, that's not a typo). I know, I'm thankful I have a job and insurance. However I'll be updating my resume this weekend. Good news for me, I finally broke down and scheduled a therapeutic massage for tomorrow. First time in years. Should help my back and stress levels. And I swear its the first thing I've looked forward to that I can remember. Hope everyone's weekend is better than expected or doesn't totally suck! PO
  11. Point blank ask her. "Do you need more than I currently have to offer?" We are of the age and maturity now that time spent wondering whether or not something is actually the case or not is a waste of time and valuable energy we depressives don't have. Also by asking, she may say no and that would prevent you from making a decision to end a good relationship based on your assumption and associated trigger out of fear. In other words, make an informed decision. :-) Pulling for you Brian. PS, I'm struggling with relationship decisions as well with someone I have come to realize I care about a great deal. So I can relate. And I've decided to work towards answering the questions I have about the relationship so we can move forward or move on. It's really hard.
  12. After a Tuesday where my depression hit about an 8 out of 10 and taking 1/2 PTO day to go home and crash in bed for the rest of the day I'm glad to report that yesterday was OK and so far today I'm feeling good. Just fyi my journal reporting scale is Good->Ok->Down->Depressed. Since I joined DF in April this year during a major depressive episode I have been working very hard at figuring out what my depression looks like for me, seeking different medicines fervently to try and help, and really worked hard to find a therapist that I will at least stick with and continue working with for more than a few months at at time. And participating in DF and receiving supports from many of you on here has been a tremendous help as well. After all of this effort and work, one thing I can say for certain is that I have noticed my depressed episodes are less severe and don't last anywhere near as long as they did in the past. I'm still not where I want to be and I struggle greatly on many days and honestly not optimistic that I will return to the 9 month "awakening' I had the year before I joined. But things definitely suck less now than before and I hope to work to continue that trend. So thanks to everyone for your support. Also, for those of you who are interested and wanting to put in some work to get better, I started a thread to hopefully help you get moving for 10 minutes a day. The link to the thread is in my signature. All the best, Dennis
  13. Hello everyone. We all know by now and have read about the very well documented and proven affects of exercise. I've checked around a little on the boards and have not seen anywhere for members to post the exercise they do during the day. So I'm starting this thread for myself and others to post the exercise that wed do, to do it on a daily basis, and for us to encourage each other. Hopefully it will be as active as one of the many 'How do you feel right now" threads and become a habit to log in and post every single day. It will also provide me a good reason to check in with the DF Family on a regular basis. So to help keep the thread on topic and help everyone get in some exercise every day, here are some simple rules I'd like to see this thread follow. The main goal is to just get up and move continuously for a minimum of 10 minutes every day. Exercise must be a minimum of 10 minutes in duration. Please do NOT post your workout routines or expert opinion on what others should be doing. If you feel compelled to do so start another thread for exercise routines. If someone asks you then reply in a PM. Simply allowing others to read the exercise you posted will be more than enough to give someone ideas on what to do. Exercise can include traditional cardio, weights, Physical Therapy, housework (especially vacuuming), yardwork, yoga/pilates/in home videos, dance (what a fun way to exercise), hiking, geocaching, video games that make you active like Wii Fit or Tennis or Boxing, bowling, walking up the stairs in your house, walking your dog. Whatever you do that gets you up and moving for 10 mins. Google is full of free, fun, simple ideas to get moving. To encourage others, simply 'Like' someone's post. Maybe see how many likes you can get to your post!If you feel compelled to acknowledge someones achievement, simply include it in your post where you state what exercise you did today. Again, the goal is for you to come in on a daily basis and post your exercise for the day. If you do this, I guarantee if you look back over your posts here in one month you will see an improvement in what you accomplish. Just imagine what your posts, not to mention yourself, will look like in three months, six months...a year. And since I'm so damn detailed, here are a couple simple tips. I know how hard it is to even get out of bed some days...this thread gives you a reason...do it anyway! We want to celebrate with you. Say YES before you can say no. Stop saying "I don't _______"; feel like it, have the energy, have the time, etc. Commit in advanceGo with a friendExpect to Suck (lmao, I do!)Have fun. That's right, enjoy it D***it!! I said to!!And above all, please keep this thread light hearted, encouraging, and uplifting. Let's do it!
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