Losing_myself

Hi everyone, I struggle being comfortable talking to people hence my post here. I'm around 8 weeks pregnant and just started all the various appointments etc. One of the doctors made a big thing about assessing the risk of my citalopram (at present I'm diagnosed with anxiety and depression though not had much treatment. I only started talking about it 7 years ago and it took a long time to get to the doctors) To cut a long story short I felt a little guilt tripped into coming off it and so have been off of it for 2 and a half weeks. The midwife was annoyed at the doctor as she said my health is what matters but did explain if I go back on it I become a high risk pregnancy so won't be able to give birth in the suite I wanted to but instead in the high risk part of the hospital which sounds awful and makes me worry. I thought I'd see how I go but after quite a difficult weekend trying to hide it all from my big family (as its so early) something snapped and I felt an episode start on Monday morning and I've been off work since. I don't know what to do. I feel so bad. I wasn't ecstatic about the pregnancy of truth be told. It clashed with a lot of things I had planned which I'm no longer able to do. I'm also overweight at the moment which doesn't help as I was just about to kick start some hardcore fitness which I can't do either. I feel fat and depressed and teary all the time. I don't want to feel like this for 9 months but I'm scared of the small risks with citalopram in the first trimester and the fact I'm going to end up on the high risk ward. Even the midwife says the experience there will depend on what kind of day they're having. I don't know what to do. I've mot had an episode in 18 months and I feel like I'm back to square one and hurting my husband in the process.

Hi there. I stumbled across your post and I just wanted to say what an incredible person you are. It sounds like there is so much mania in your life and all you want to do is the right thing. Have you thought about seeing your doctor and talking about things? I think your wife needs a lot of help and if you're not careful this could escalate dangerously. It's hard but I think you need to speak to someone professional. It genuinely sounds like a mental health disorder which can be helped, the question you need to ask yourself is what happens as your children get older. Will they be safe? I hope you get the help you need. Hang in there.

Thanks everyone. I feel so frustrated because I have a loving family but I don't feel comfortable sharing with them. Part in fear for their response, their confusion, their disgust, they're sadness. I honestly don't feel like I have anyone to listen to me and tell me why my brain is so screwed.

I'm currently sat in the tub, with the saddest songs I know feeling the calmest I've been all day. Ive had depression and anxiety for 15 years and still feel guilty about it. Nothing triggered it, it's thought it's just a chemical imbalance as by all accounts I have a pretty perfect life... On the surface. My depression has led me to some extreme behaviours overspending getting myself into nearly 10k worth of debt, obsessing over characters a d films for weeks on end, binge watching programmes, what I think is a binge eating disorder amongst others. I'm so lost and unmotivated and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to without feeling embarrassed or understood. There's so much in my head right now I feel so heavy and overwhelmed. I want to feel numb.