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Everything posted by Tid322

  1. I used to have the exact same issues but working 7-3:30. I would wake up anxiety ridden, depressed, and moody. The only time I didn’t feel those three things were Friday night and all o Saturday. Once Sunday hit I was just thinking about how I had to go to work the next day. It did get better when I changed to a job I didn’t mind as much, and had less interaction with people. so if you can find find another job to supplement I bet that could be a big help. Otherwise maybe you could try positively impacting your work space to make it more enjoyable and less depressing? If you can listen to music, bring an MP3 player with songs you like, bring your favorite beverage or snacks to get you through the day and give you something at work to look forward to, and maybe take a walk away from your job on every break you get to get away. I’m so sorry, but I am wishing you the best of luck!
  2. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are most definitely not alone. Depression can feel so incredibly isolating, especially when you’re surrounded by people that don’t understand. Rest assured, here you are surrounded by people that get it, and are or we’re fighting the same battles. I go through waves of severe depression and suicidal ideation. And even when I am “happiest”, I still feel utterly alone. I have to hide my depression from my family and friends, because of my anxiety and insecurities. Which in turn makes me feel isolated and lonely. I may not know the people on this site, but to know I am not alone in my battle is comforting. It makes the depression a little more bearable. Just know that you are worth living. You can pull through this. You’re an amazing soul with so much to give and life to live. Know that we’ve all been in your shoes on here. The burden is heavy but well worth the battle. If you ever need a chat don’t hesitate to come here, this is what this community was made for. Don’t forget your battle may be the key to uplift someone else, don’t doubt your greatness. message me anytime. Hugs friend!
  3. I know that there are health grading websites where people give their experiences and opinions on doctors. That may be a good place to start to find the right therapist for you. I have found that everyone therapist I have seen is very removed and remarkably unhelpful, but just someone that helps you question yourself. As for medicaid, they should bill them. The therapist themselves may not have an understanding of the policies completely or sometimes there is more than one insurance option so there may be some confusion that lies in that. Take a deep breath, and remember that they’re there to help you. They’ve dealt with many personalities and they are equipped with years of knowledge to handle the situation. Best wishes!
  4. I think that being straightforward is the best idea here if you really want to know. Ask him flat out, “have you broken up with me?” Unfortunately it’s a question only he can answer. I’m sorry that you are having to handle this, know that regardless of his answer, this is temporary. I hope you get the answers you need and deserve. Sending you well wishes.
  5. During the times I don’t want to eat, I find anything that has to be fixed is basically asking the impossible of myself. I’d suggest anything that you don’t have to put forth effort as a great start. Fruits, and precut veggies, nuts, yogurt, cereals, sliced cheese, lunchmeat, even canned or boxed soups. If you’re feeling more adventurous frozen ready meals, although not ideal nutritionally, if it’s something that excites you, could be a good choice as well. I feel like it may be better, as it is easier for myself, if you take the work and effort of making and preparing the goods and place all of your effort into actually making the conscious effort to eat and eat regularly. Best wishes, I hope you feel up to eating soon.
  6. I have this issue as well. I have a hard time believing anything good anyone has to say about me, and disregard anything nice said because I feel like they have no idea who I am or how I really am. If you have loving, helpful, and depression sensitive family, friends, and support perhaps opening up about exactly how you feel will help. My idea with this is: it opens you up to be more vulnerable, it allows them to see who you are and imperfections that you may be uncomfortable with, and most importantly it allows them the ability to show you or prove to you the compliments they give you. If you have loved ones that are ready and willing to help you in this journey, you have a good chance of success. Wishing you all the best.
  7. Do you have any other means of communication with this individual? If not, how can you be so certain that they really took their life and didn’t just end their game subscription instead? Until there is proof, I wouldn’t be so quick to think that they actually went through with it. Perhaps they got help, or just stopped playing. It sounds like they were a little too wrapped up to assess the actual implications of their words on someone like you. There may have been no malice. I don’t think if it was a sincere cry for help it would be to someone that could do nothing to prevent or physically help him. I think you should rest assure you did the best with the situation you were handed. Don’t beat yourself up over something out of your control.
  8. I think you are selling yourself way too short to stay in a relationship where someone is abusing you. Yes abusing, calling you names and belittling you is abuse. Think of someone you love and care for. It should be easy, you sound like a very passionate individual. It doesn't matter if it's a sibling, online friend, parent, coworker or teacher, just think of that person you care for. Now, think about if that person was being treated the same way you were by their significant other. How does that make you feel? Sad? Mad? Helpless? So why shouldn't you have those same emotions for yourself? You deserve to have those for yourself. You deserve better, if you keep on settling on the victim card you will never end up with better. You will never improve, you will settle on abuse and you will justify it for yourself and it will become the norm. You are better than that, but you need to treat yourself better than that and believe it. If you're not putting yourself first and treating yourself well, how are you teaching others to treat you? You will be inviting more abusive individuals into your life! I am only speaking from personal first hand experience. And in my experience it only got worse, from verbal to physical, from physical to sexual. It only gets worse if you let it continue. People will come in and out of your life. You will inevitably make friends, and relationships, if you treat yourself better. I know it's hard to find the motivation when you've been beaten down so much, but I feel like working on yourself first and foremost is the only way obtainable way to reach out genuinely to others. I hope this all makes sense. I hope some of this reaches you. Please feel free to message me any time about anything. Know that you don't deserve the life of abuse you're living now.
  9. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I'm frustrated for you just reading it. I don't know if there was any ill-intention, I am suspecting not, but it doesn't make your feelings any less valid or real. I really like the advice skblue, gave from that blog. It is quick, simple, and effective. How can they argue with something when they are so inappropriate? Unfortunately some people have no filter on their brains or their mouths, and it's a shame, because it ends up hurting the innocent most times. I feel like a simple awkward "wow!" could be the perfect answer to avoid confrontation, and obviously move on from the uncomfortable situation. I also think your reaction to walk away, though you don't feel as satisfied, was a great reaction as well. It nudges to their inappropriate questioning and blatantly displays your discomfort in the situation, which they need to know in order to not repeat. If you feel so inclined to speak with your mother on the issue, maybe do so before the next family get together. Ask her to refrain from the obvious uncomfortable conversations. If she cannot adhere to your request then give her a time out from your life. You don't need that kind of negativity. Best luck and wishes, I hope you do not let this dampen your beautiful spirit.
  10. I'm pretty sure writing and rewriting is pretty common. Don't beat yourself up, you seem educated and in no way remedial. As for having no drive or passion, I am going to have to disagree just from the information you have given. You see, because I have almost the exact same lack of desire for most things in life. Certainly a lack of desire for what is typical (job, house, car. However, I do love video games like you do. They're an escape, they're a quest of attainable proportions. They are my desire when I am bored, finishing them or beating someone or something is my goal. I am going to have to go out on a hunch and assume these same things for you, otherwise, why would you play video games? Just because our desires and goals are not the typical wants in life, doesn't make them any less important or valid. As for your brain short circuiting, if Philosophy is still something you underliningly desire, the issue of concentration might be obtainable through medication. Depression makes it hard to concentrate, and ADD can be an issue as well. Neither are your fault, and likely are out of your hands. I would speak to a doctor, it cannot hurt. That could be a significant help in "working on yourself". I know it's hard to obtain that sort of desire, but isn't it worth a push to try, if just once? I know you said that you didn't want to fake it. To be honest, that is how I make it through most of my days. Faking it to my family. I fake it so much that I actually get happy and motivated once in a while. When that happens I try to make as many goals, and help myself as much as possible during that time, because you never know when it may strike again.
  11. Maybe get yourself a nice room in a hotel, order in room service, and veg out on any television your heart desires. Maybe even take a swim if they have a pool open. I don't necessarily know whether or not outside influences like that will help, but it sounds like something you deserve to enjoy. As for "clearing your head", maybe start with writing things down. You can categorize things to start. "Work/Money/Home/Yard/Health/Nutrition" whatever it is you feel you need to overhaul within your life. Writing it down might help you feel like you're getting those floating worries out of your head. Once they're on paper you don't have to constantly make sure that it's subconsciously sitting in your brain. Once you have your categories you can get more in depth, what your desires are in each, and from there you can branch off on possible ideas to help you obtain. I hope this makes sense and something works out for you.
  12. I think you pretty much summed it up in the first paragraph for me. People are expecting you to do these things alone. They think you're fine and capable, but it's hard for everyone sometimes. I know depression makes it difficult to reach out and ask for help, but if help is what you desire, then you will have to ask for it. See if your brother or someone else in Nevada can help you find a care team? Or ask your current care team for references in that area, they might surprise you and know someone. I'm sorry about your friend not including you. I know that can hurt, but it may not be about you. It could be his soon to be wife's decision or a matter of cost. I hope you find the care team you need and desire and everything turns out for the best.
  13. No offense to your mother, but that really isn't her place to make a decision about or to even comment on. Unless of course you warranted or asked for her stance? If you feel you have been making progress, no matter how little, by yourself over the course of the last two years, why would you consider an alternative to what you have been successfully doing? It sounds like you need to decide what is best for yourself and stick to it. If the question of medication is haunting your decisions, than speak with a health care provider that may be able to assess if that is the right option for you. Don't feel that taking medication is beating you. If a diabetic takes insulin, does that make them weak? No, it makes them a diabetic that needs their medicine in order to allow their body to work at maximum functioning capacity. So why wouldn't that be the same for you? Don't be so hard on yourself.
  14. Just keep consistent. If you keep applying, it'll only be a matter of time.
  15. It sounds like a lot of stress all financially provoked. I'm sorry you and your family are struggling. Have you considered taking out a student loan to pay the cost of the test? It'll be lower than a personal loan likely, easier to obtain, and once you pass and finish school applications and are accepted to a school, you should have zero issues gaining grants, which you could use to pay that loan off.
  16. I love model cars (old 60's mustangs are my favorite), Anime, Video games, and am flabby. I'm also a girl, just saying. There's someone out there for everyone, and those are pretty awesome hobbies in my opinion. But besides all of that. You sound like an amazing and uniquely caring individual, that anyone would be lucky to have in their life. Like Rouik said, the nicest people are often taken advantage of, whether it's emotionally, financially or whatever. It's just the mentality of a broken world. I'm not saying it's fair or that you should have to endure it, but know you are not alone.
  17. I have had the "echo" but my brain only repeated what I said verbatim, and it was always right before or during a panic attack. The echo felt out of my control, but it only repeated my own thoughts or words. If the thoughts you're having are feeling out of your control, and saying different things than you are thinking, you may need to consider telling a healthcare professional. My husband when he was a young teen was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but he still believes it was demonic possession. He has described the same situation you've encountered, and they just prescribed him medication, which helped him, until he eventually just got over it somehow. Doctors are there to help, let them know, and they can take the necessary steps to figure it out and help you.
  18. I'm sorry you're struggling. Was there a trigger that started this isolation? Or was it just a random onset of depression? Have you discussed your suicidal thoughts with your doctor? I too go from friend to friend, often with big years worth of gaps between. It has been almost three years now since I've had a friend. It's hard to handle to loneliness, but it has taught me to be more self-reliant for my happiness. I don't know if this is really a healthy way to deal with it, but is there anything you enjoy that takes you away from it mentally? Video games? Books? Sleeping? I find that immersing myself in a video game or book helps me not think about the negatives for a little while. It helps me reset my brain. I am here and would be very happy to chat with you, if you're up to it. I wouldn't mind having an internet buddy that can get how I feel.
  19. It sounds like you are dealing with anxiety ontop of depression? I think they often go hand in hand. I am sorry that you are going through a rough time. People that talk behind people's back are cowards, and I am willing to bet, more self-loathing than we realize. Because if they have to put others down, especially people that are already down, how low must they feel? That doesn't justify anything they do, just a perspective. I guarantee that if you were to go away, a lot of people would take notice, and it would affect many people's lives. I just think that most individuals are so self-absorbed that they don't see the warning signs. But it doesn't mean they don't care, they are just so inwardly obsessed they fail to look beyond themselves, sometimes until it's too late. You are important. If you are here posting, you are making an impact on someone here reading, that can relate and maybe they're struggling, and seeing you with the same issues, and now you've made them feel a little less alone. You are worth something to us, and you are worth something to yourself. Depression lies to you, gets in your head. I want you to know you're worth something. You have an important imprint on this earth. Don't let the selfish tendencies of humans destroy your soul.
  20. And I am currently drinking more coffee. We are in sync today. Lol
  21. Also, just to add. You are still young. I didn't even meet my husband until right before I turned 24. Before then I had no one, I literally went overnight from being 100% alone to having someone. It will happen just as fast as that. Don't stress yourself on things beyond your control.
  22. That's also family. Not just friends. "Oh, I know I've talked a lot of about you, and we haven't talked in months-years, but can I have some money?" Humans can be pretty deplorable. I'm sorry. Sailing, I'm sorry that you are being let down by others. But you can't seek your happiness in your relationships with them, because humans are so fallible, it is inevitable that any relationship (friend,spouse,children,coworker,parent,etc) will falter. If you can get a handle on being happy with yourself, you can find true happiness. If the other things happen, then that is wonderful, but expect a lot of pit falls and issues when there is other individuals involved. It's not to say they are intentional, but it's definitely inevitable.
  23. Is there any sort of job or hobby that you would be happy with? Perhaps you could consider going to school for education in a specific field. Or even a field where you would not be interacting with individuals on such a common basis. If the idea of living in the wilderness excites you, maybe try a park ranger? I know there is a lot of physical training that goes into it. Inevitably you would have human contact, but it wouldn't be constant, and you could just exist, a little more comfortably. if you are in the US, I know a few people that suffer from debilitating depression and are on disability for it. Their quality of life hasn't changed, but they are at least able to focus more time on their mental illness. i hope you figure out something that works for you and gives you happiness or at least comfort in life.
  24. I understand you feel like you've ruined your whole life, but you haven't. Some of the things that have happened are unfortunate, but it does not define you. A job, friends, children, bf, driving, can shape you and your decisions, but it isn't your self-worth. Are you a good friend? Thoughtful and loving individual? A kind daughter? I am going to have to say yes, without even knowing you, because of how much introverted thinking you put into every aspect, and how your actions affect others. I will say, I lived in Hawaii for years, and although it is beautiful, if you are not happy where you are, you will likely not be happy there either. But their bus system is amazing, and scans the entire island of Oahu, which would give you a lot of independence, without the worry and anxiety. Is there a bus system in place near you? Also, I used to be deathly afraid of driving, and eventually learned to drive in Hawaii, because most of the interstates are much slower (45mph), and people have a more relaxed vibe about driving. You're still young. And there is never a "right" time to have children. No one is ever "ready", but if it is something your heart desires I would have a talk with your bf and see where you are on that page. Are you taking any medication or getting any help for your anxiety? Because from my personal experience it is hard to get a handle of alone. It makes it extremely difficult to work outside of the home and interact with others. Sorry this is all over the place. My suggestion is to find a way to get a handle on your anxiety, and the trickle effect will eventually help in other aspects. I'd also suggest being open and honest with your bf about your future, and even your best friend. Reaching out can leave you feeling vulnerable, but if you never let anyone know the issue, how can they ever fix or help it? Also, debt is common, but don't let it discourage you from enjoying life. School is expensive and so is life unfortunately, but it can only be changed when it can. It will workout inevitably, with time. Many hugs!
  25. I was not over my depression when I came off of them. I was in the middle of a very low point, but my anxiety attacks outweighed my depression more, so I literally just stopped taking my medicine. I didn't ask my mom or my doctor. I just did it, then discussed it later with my doctor. Thank you for the well wishes, I hope the same for you, and that you can eventually rid yourself of any unnecessary medications. But don't be so quick to jump off of any medicine that does help! And I am glad your pharmacist was able to give you some insight.
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