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Tid322

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Everything posted by Tid322

  1. I feel your anger and I get it but I know I am better than them. You’re better than them. Don’t stoop to their level. It isn’t worth your anger, they aren’t worth your energy and time. There comes a point where you can sit and wallow in all the bulls*** surrounding you or you can be above it. We may not be able to change it outwardly but we can change it internally within ourselves. Don’t let them control your emotions by allowing yourself anger towards them. Inner peace and a blasé attitude is what “wins” against the face of adversity. Getting up in arms will solve nothing and only support their oppressive agenda. Don’t do it!
  2. Thanks for all the insight. I already knew I needed to eat. I’m just having a hard time fighting myself or tricking myself into doing it earlier in the day. I lack the desire, motivation, and energy. But despite this I am trying out some berries with my morning coffee. I feel like I am literally fighting with myself to do this, mentally and physically. Hoping maybe pairing it with a stimulant like coffee my attitude might perk up a little. Thank you all for weighing in.
  3. Thanks for your response. I don’t have a problem with eating and enjoying healthy foods. I went to school to become a registered dietitian, and I avoid most processed foods being brought into my house. I just know this isn’t a healthy habit I am creating and worse yet, I am doing this in front of my kids. I just want to get my normal healthy habits back. I am eating past the point of being full and I hate it. It’s causing much worse self-loathing. I definitely feel like I have lost control in all aspects of my life.
  4. I’ve been having a hard time gaining an appetite with this round of depression. I won’t have an appetite or eat from the time I wake until the afternoon or sometimes evening. By that time I feel so sick I force myself to eat. Then once I start eating I have a hard time stopping. I start binging on snacks, and then dinner and then even more snacks. By the time I finish I feel even more disgusted and p***** off at my lack of self-control. Has anyone else had this same problem? Can anyone share any advice on how to get a better grasp on my appetite and or lack of appetite? Thanks in advance.
  5. I’m sorry you’re feeling lowly. Know you aren’t alone in your actions or feelings. If you ever need to vent more feel free to unload.
  6. While you have the energy, do something! Pick up a new hobby, start doing projects around your house. Long projects or hobbies that can give you purpose and consume your time and control your thoughts. I know that may sound shallow and silly but it may be something effective to keep your momentum in the right direction. I would also discuss ideas and alternative options with your doctor.
  7. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t know if you have had a talk with him about your lack of libido and why it is the way it is. If you haven’t, I would highly suggest a conversation so that he can get an understanding of what it is that is going on with you. If you speaking alone isn’t enough, perhaps couples counseling could be of great service for both of you.
  8. Twitchy is quite right. Just remind yourself to be mindful. Don’t expect it to happen overnight either. It is something you may have to build on to become a habit of self check. Maybe you can put yourself in controlled situations in order to practice this. Whether it’s amongst your family, friends or colleagues. Whether you know the intended audience before you speak still try and be mindful and check yourself. As the saying goes, “train like you fight”, because it creates that habit and knee jerk reaction before you speak.
  9. Going to school is hard work. College is no joke, and very time consuming. It sounds like you are surrounded by toxic relationships. With all that said, it sounds like you have two options: therapy with your family members; in order to open a dialogue of their emotional abuse and build a healthy relationship over time or to get away from their negativity and emotional abuse all together. Or a combination of the two. Perhaps renting a room near your university could be of a real asset. The cost could be less if you rent just for yourself, and that way you won’t be encompassed by constant belittling and negativity. You need to refocus on yourself and your goals. It sounds like the chaos of their lifestyles has significantly and poorly impacted yours. I’m so sorry to hear of the way you have been treated but I hope you know that it isn’t right and that you in no way deserve that treatment. Maybe once you have given yourself a break from them you can then explain why you needed the break and express what you need from them for a healthy relationship. If they are any sort of decent human beings they have to know what they’re doing is not right. And I hope that that is enough for them to seek help. I don’t know if any of this is possible for you, but I really hope so. Best wishes for you.
  10. Don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake, but don’t let that mistake allow you to spiral out of control. Self harm is a hard habit to break, especially if you are dealing with it alone. You should definitely seek help if you haven’t already. And know that you are safe here to talk. Until you are able to gain the help you need perhaps you can try some alternatives to self-harm. Try snapping your wrists with a rubber band or hair tie. It might sound silly, but it will give that pain you may be craving without any real detrimental effects. But best yet, come here and talk out anything you might not be able to work out within yourself. You’re amongst many that understand. Many hugs!! And feel free to message me anytime if you just need a release.
  11. Thank you twitchy. I feel like when I moved I lost my identity because my interests are far from me. I used to go hiking, even when depressed I could get out and hike in the hills or the mountains. Or to the beach and and swim. I can’t do those things were I live now. The closest place to hike is almost eight hours away. So I haven’t hiked in almost four years. I feel like I should be finding new interests and new hobbies but I can’t find that desire to do so and nothing else sounds great to me. I am always faking it until I make it. I have been for years. It’s just exhausting. And literally everytime I feel I am improving usually my husband has something negative to say about me and then I feel even lower. Why even bother trying anymore? I will always fail, even when I think I’m doing great. When my kids go to bed I literally just stare blankly for hours, often times thinking of nothing I can recall until I decide to sleep. I absolutely hate that time of day, but the entire day I am just counting down the time until I can unload the kids into their beds and be nothing and do nothing. It’s very confusing mentally. sorry this is one big rant. I hope it makes sense.
  12. My husband and I do this too. My birthday was at the end of March. I couldn’t think of anything, plus it was a holiday weekend so we ended up doing nothing. Honestly it still is really bothering me we didn’t get to do anything and I feel like the time has passed so I just missed out on one of the things I actually enjoy. Which now has me more depressed. speaking from someone that literally just went through this I would highly suggest doing ANYTHING, at all. If you can’t decide ask her to surprise you. Or just do what you did the year prior. If it was fun last year it’ll likely be great this year as well. I know right now it feels “meh” to do anything but it really is depressing when your birthday is just another day passed and you’ve missed the opportunity to do anything out of the usual. If leaving really feels like a chore, ask your wife to surprise you with something to do indoors. Either way, don’t let it pass as a normal day. You deserve to be celebrated. Happy (early) birthday!
  13. JD, I feel exactly the same as you. I hate myself and wish I had known who I would become before I married and had children. Then again, I know that they give me a reason to go on. They’re really the only reason I go on at all. My dad died when I was young and my mom checked out after his death, and it would absolutely **** me to know my kids would ever feel unloved, unwanted or abandoned. I am sure you feel the same about your daughter. I’m glad she is at an age of understanding and seems to have love and compassion. Sounds like you raised a wonderful young woman.
  14. I think it’s good to be open and honest with your past diagnosis. Just because you were once diagnosed with that does not mean it will always plague you. My husband was diagnosed at 16 with BPD and he is completely in remission. He is one of the most level headed and sane individuals I’ve ever known. If you bring yourself open to a therapist I think it may help them help you better. I’d say a therapist is the last individual you would ever want to hide something from. And who knows, they may say it was a misdiagnosis. You’ll never know unless you’re open and honest. best wishes for you. I hope you find the help you desire.
  15. Tim, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Everything I once found interest in is literally impossible to do or obtain where I currently live. I don’t like to do anything for myself because I feel it’s a waste. I only have so many hours in a day and I have to care for three other humans before myself. Everything I do is in slow motion and taking way more time than it should just to get through the normal things in a day. By the time I am finished with my have to I simply have no energy to focus on anything. It’s the same thing every day with no variation except some days are s***tier and harder to cope. JD, I am sorry you are living this hell of solidarity with me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hate my own appearance as well and cannot remember the last time I’ve looked in a mirror. If you have children how old are they if you don’t mind me asking? And do you notice a difference in their attitude(s) around you versus other people? I’m at a loss for everything in my life. Everything is turning to around me, and I wonder if I were to be gone if it’d be any better. I seem to be the common denominator.
  16. There isn’t one thing I can think of that I am doing right. Every aspect of my life I have become a failure at and I know all my short comings are affecting my family. I don’t have a desire to stay and fight anymore but I know it’s necessary. How do you check-in to a life you just want to check out of? I want to want. I desire to desire but I cannot find those things in me. I just feel it’s easier to disconnect and be an empty vessel. I won’t die physically, but I am dying emotionally and mentally. I’m scared of what I am doing to my kids being this way, and I want to do better but getting enough energy to continue acting happy is just too much some days. The fact that it doesn’t come easy and that I struggle to be a human makes my self-loathing all the more righteous and deep. I absolutely hate myself.
  17. Yes! I absolutely have the feelings you are describing. I can feel when my depression starts to lift in my chest first. Then usually the haziness in my brain starts to slowly lift and I can think clearer. Whats weird is since I have only become recently aware of the physical transition it is now giving me major anxiety. I sit there and fret that I am going to do something or say something or that an outside source will sabotage the feeling. It doesn’t make it go away, but it does slow down the process. I wish I could tell my brain to **** off.
  18. I am no doctor or therapist or anything of the sort, but from what you have shared she sounds narcissistic. People with narcissism are callous and unemotional, delusions of grandiosity, are antagonist, and generally socially isolated due to their behaviors. I’ve heard it’s nearly impossible for narcissists to help themselves despite all of the wake of trouble they leave in their path. I’d hope with her somewhat self-awareness that she’d seek help. She needs to learn some empathy for others. If she is truly narcissistic, you have to somewhat be understanding as well. It will not be an easy task for her. I hope you can come to an understanding with her to work on a healthy relationship. As of now, I cannot imagine her having one with anyone.
  19. I’m sorry for the struggles you are currently facing. I was in your situation about ten years ago. I inevitably decided to leave and severe all negative ties that I had, even though it was terrifying with nothing and no one to fall back on. You will find your security, peace, and self achievement once the dust settles. I know it’s hard, but I would wait until you have the means to leave, and leave. Go somewhere you can find financial security and stability. Somewhere that you can obtain a comfortable work environment. That will be one less thing you will have to worry about, one less thing to cause you stress, anxiety, and panic over. Put your focus there, on you, your growth and happiness. Once you’ve obtained that you may have found yourself organically opening yourself up to others and finding those meaningful connections, and if not by then. Than at the point, you will have the means, the energy, and the desire to pursue those types of things. I hope you make the decision to choose better for yourself. You deserve it.
  20. I’m sorry you’re having to struggle just to try and live. Our society isn’t really conducive to helping those already impoverished and out. I have a few suggestions, but really I don’t know if any of them are even a possibility. One of them you already mentioned. Maybe getting into a shelter in a town where you can get a job would be a great bet. You would have to consider the shelters hours and respect them, so I’m not sure security officer would fit into those hours. But you’d only need to stay long enough to afford a place of your own. Another option, walking, running, or riding a bike to the closest running bus stop. You can check the bus schedules online and map the closest way to get to public transit. Join the military. There are physical attributes you have to qualify for, and considering your age you may not qualify for all branches. But once you sign your life into the military’s hands they will ensure you are taken to and from wherever you need to go. You will also have the luxury of getting away from your toxic family situation for years of service. Start a GoFundMe to get yourself a cheap running car, and to hire someone to drive you to your drivers test, and get a license to start a new job without the risk of your family ruining it again. You would have to be vulnerable to strangers and express your issues on an open forum anyone could read. You could apply for the SSI, just to get enough money to get your head start. You will have to give somewhere and you need some sort of start up cost in order to get ahead. Once you start working your SSI checks will either be cancelled completely if you make too much or they will be decreased. You can cancel your SSI anytime. Kelly Services or any other job placement services might be a great place to start. Be honest with them and tell them you don’t have a vehicle. Those types of companies are amazingly accommodating because they get paid to fill positions and would be willing to help you get to your job possibly temporarily. (At least the one I worked for was). Last idea, you could try and apply for a credit card. I know this might sound counterproductive, but with the money you could find a short term hotel place to stay close to your new job. Like an extended stay, which you could put on the card. And once you get paid, pay it off in full entirely if you can swing it. Otherwise move immediately into a shared room with someone and pay it off overtime. Also, league of legends is awesome, but I don’t have that kind of skill so I like to play WoW. Hope you’re having a better day. Sorry for the ridiculously long post.
  21. Thank you Oscar for your support. Thank you again AKB and Rachie as well. It’s so funny you two mentioned journaling. I was just reading about bullet journaling. It seems like it could be a full time operation, but a rewarding one that may help with a new hobby and feeling of accomplishment. I was also meddling with the idea of creating a blog about depression. Not sure if that would be counterproductive. But thank you all for your reassurance and help. It’s truly appreciated.
  22. I don’t think you should be doing this by yourself hun. You should not be in the situation and none of this is your fault! You are a product of your environment and you need some help. If you’re under legal age to care for yourself, you should be properly taken care of by the adults in your life. I am so so sorry you’re going through this. If you have access to the hospital or a mental health facility, tell them the thoughts of harm you have been having. Tell them that you have been abused and are unsafe. Get the help you need and feel no shame in your actions! Nothing you have done or said is dramatic. If anything you’re under-dramatic, and need to act harsh to get the help you need. Please, please, please take care of yourself! The suicide hotline is always open, and I believe they have a website too. 1-800-273-8255 No one deserves the way you’ve been treated. Big hugs! Please message me anytime.
  23. Thank you AKB for reading and responding. I really do appreciate your time, opinion, and advice on the matter. You have some solid advice, like a slow trickle of my emotions to my family may be helpful in the long run. I feel like I have actually started a slow process with my husband, but the conversations end up an argument between us and makes me go further between the times I open up to him. Last year I spoke to him about my feelings five times, and the last time it was nearly six months between because the argument got a little to viscous leaving me unprotected and vulnerable. It’s hard to tell anybody anything because in my past they always use the information against me for their benefit. I wish I could take up a new hobby. One of my main issues is where we moved to. Every hobby I’ve had throughout my entire life is completely inaccessible to me where I now live. I used to use them as an escape and it made life so much more worth it to me. Now I feel like an empty shell of myself, I feel lifeless and lackluster. I’ve tried to gain a new hobby and I just don’t have the motivation or desire. It’s frustrating because I do want it. I just don’t possess the energy or effort to do so. Thank you for your kind words, and perfectly understandable perspectives. It really does make a difference when someone else can say to you “I get it. You’re not alone. And you’re okay!”
  24. I feel like I am drowning in problems. Mostly not my own, but they still effect me deeply. I’ve always had a problem with being vulnerable. I hate showing any sort of weakness. Whenever I have shown vulnerability it’s come back to bite me, and hard. So my feelings cannot be trusted to anyone but myself. It gets very isolating and depressing and I hate how fake I have to be. I hate having to put on a smile even though I want desperately to cry. Everyone in my family is leaning on me because I am so strong during these difficult and trying times. I have tried being the one to cry and it wasn’t accepted and I felt like I let everyone down and people started to pull away from me. Why is depression so stigmatized and such a shameful thing? I finally recently made friends with a group of ladies online, and I can’t even come out to those strangers about my issues. Instead I offer consolation for them and strong shoulder to cry on with a fake smile and positive message, when really I just want to cry out to someone. If I didn’t have this forum, I don’t know where I’d keep my secrets and sanity. I guess I am struggling with my emotions and identity. Because strength has become so ingrained in my personality but it isn’t who I really am. I am the weakest most pathetic and uncontrolled human I know. I can’t get the psychological help I need, because of the fear of the stigma, because of the fear of confronting my emotions, and for the fear of legal repercussions. I feel like I am hopeless, but I have to live in a hopeless existence with a fake smile plastered on my face. I feel like a failure in every single sense of life, and since it isn’t just my life I am affecting I hate myself that much more. Self loathing is a full time chore, so there is no time for self love or appreciation. I am not even sure why I wrote this. I guess just to release part of my thoughts somewhere and unload them from my mind. Sorry for the trouble, but thank you for your time if you’ve read this far.
  25. I think that all forms can be beneficial but it really depends on where you are in your battle of depression. I have had experience with CBT therapy with no positive outcome, due to the fact I had no cognitive understanding of the underlying depression that you get from traditional psychologist. I’ve personally never been through inpatient but my husband had and he said most places drugged him and never armed him with the proper psychological care needed to overcome his problems. But I feel like medication is necessary for some people before any other resources can be considered. if you have an understanding and think you are capable of managing yourself and ready to move onto a remedy perhaps CBT could work for you. If any of those things are lacking or even motivation, maybe you should start elsewhere. Just my unprofessional opinion.
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