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Everything posted by Tid322

  1. I hope your stress test goes splendidly and nothing is wrong. Hoping you also get some benign answers to put your mind at rest. Wishing you the best.
  2. First off, I am so incredibly sorry to hear about this horrifying ordeal you have gone through. I have had something somewhat similar happen when I was going to therapy as a teenager. Though the legal recourse wasn’t for me, though I was the one that suffered for the therapists unfounded break of confidentiality. For this exact same reason I don’t trust therapists at all. I have a huge fear of sharing or giving trust to anyone with my feelings or issues in life. I literally have panic attacks whenever I do try to talk to someone in real life. Anyhow, all of this to say that you’re not alone. I don’t know what the permanent solution should be to this issue but I do know that this online forum has been an amazing tool in feeling comfort in the anonymity of my issues. It is at least something and somewhere to unload without the shaky fear of repercussions. And although you felt some apprehension just now as you wrote this post, it will get better with time and trust. If face to face therapy is something you do want to eventually seek out again, you most definitely can have a care advocate sit with you (family, friend, someone you trust) during your sessions. It is your care and sometimes you just need someone to help a little. There’s nothing wrong with that. Until you are ready for that or even if you never get to that point, we will all be here on this forum, ready to listen and support you as we can.
  3. If you haven’t already seen a therapist about this, I would highly advise you to. Lying is common, especially in the sense to make yourself or your life feel more grandeur. You need to know that you and what you have accomplished in your life is enough. Because you are. You don’t need the lies to be amazing, you just need to accept your accomplishments in life. And what may not seem grand to yourself may be the most amazing and coveted distinctions to someone else. If live-in therapy is what works best for you to get you where you want, need, or desire to be, then go for it. Whatever it takes to make you feel good about you. Cheers friend!
  4. You do matter. What you feel and say matters. I think it’s important to say what you are feeling here. It’s the one place to do so with anonymity and freedom of repercussions. What you may think as detrimental might be the awakening quote that resonates with someone else. That makes them realize they aren’t the only one. This is the one place you can say what you mean and no one will pass any judgment because we all truly get it. Commiseration is sometimes a beautiful and much needed thing. I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are, and that depression is attacking again. But I feel like what you should do, is to continue sharing yourself openly. You never know who you will touch or who will touch you. Vulnerability is much harder in person.
  5. I’m pretty good at pretending to be outgoing in large crowds. I have social anxiety and at first it was hard to do without stumbling on my words but with time and repetition it’s become second nature for me. I was given the best tip ever by someone else that also suffered from social anxiety: always be the one asking the questions. You end up setting the pace for the conversation. You can pre-ready any questions back at you because you’re holding the dominance of the conversation but you’re also likely to be talking the least. If you’re the one asking the questions you can predetermine them so there’s a level of control and comfort. It also takes attention away from you because they’re the ones speaking and when you do get to speak it’s already quick and thoughtout. Plus it makes you look like the good guy, because you want to learn more about the other person. Being outgoing is hard. It’s exhausting and mind numbing at times but I do think small habits and actions like this could help you.
  6. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this enormous ball of pressure and emotions. I am sorry that you feel used and that you feel you have no one to speak to freely. This website is a wonderful tool to speak open and freely with anonymity. I honestly do not know how I would handle your situation with her. Does she give you any signs that she may be interested in you more than just a friend? I would find it hard to not acquire strong feelings for someone that I am sharing my secrets with. Beyond professionals and anonymity of the internet, I feel like sharing those feelings builds a sense of intimacy naturally. I'd give it time. Test to see if your feelings subside. I'm not sure that coming out to her would ruin the friendship for her side, so as long as it doesn't ruin it for you I think you should venture forward when you feel it is necessary and you are ready. Best of luck!
  7. How much vacation time does your current job afford you? Could you accumulate your time and even some personal non-paid time to travel extended yearly? It could be a good compromise to what is needed for your father and grandmother, the stability and ability to afford said travels. And it gives you more time than a few days or week to get the taste of the country you rightly desire. You are still young yet. I know physically it can all be taxing and draining day after day but it doesn't mean its impossible. If it is something you truly desire, and you have the means to have zero attachments for an extended vacation, I say why not take the time and go? Maybe having that yearly upcoming break may invigorate you and excite you out of your slumber. I don't know. I may just be talking out of my ass.
  8. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I can assure you, you’re not the only one. I can say I went through this for a long time and then went into what I describe as a time of recovery. No therapy or medication worked, I changed the monotony even though it made me writher inside. I did things out of my comfort zone and eventually a veil lifted. I was happy for a long time. Then the monotony struck again. Have you tried changing your routine? Adding a new hobby to preoccupy your mind?
  9. Cosb. When I was 20 I called an apartment complex in a big city and asked if I could work off my rent to live there because it was close to a school I wanted to attend. They didn’t offer me full rent, but a huge reduction: 1/4th the cost. I literally packed my life into one suitcase, a backpack and a purse and moved out there by bus for $14. I secured a second job at a coffee shop three blocks away. It cost me nothing for my first months rent because I started working halfway into the month which covered the costs of that month. I didn’t end up attending school until a year later but I had a full plate. Point being, there might be options out there you hadn’t thought about. Maybe try looking for apartments offering jobs to secure a roof over your head and spread from there. I’m not saying these are definites and you should or will be able to obtain these because I had. Everyone is fortuned a different opportunity but I am saying maybe look outside the box of where you’ve looked prior. If you haven’t already. Also, just to let you know, it was the most of unglamorous and smelly jobs. I handled the garbage and cleaned the shoots of a 65 unit building.
  10. Being 33 myself, I can attest to the same feelings glfinding. I feel so wasteful when I look back at my late teens and twenties. Teenage years are hard, because you’re thrown into a world of possibilities with little direction, compassion, and understanding. 18 is exceptionally hard because you’re of legal standing now. You’re liable for yourself and your own actions. All of these things can mount but there sounds to be possibilities and ways. You just have to decide what you are willing to do to obtain what you want. Then once you’ve decided you’re willing to do them, you have to assess if they’re truly possible. Is moving to a city a possibility for you? It may open you to all of your desires of a school in the degree you want to obtain and a job to secure your future. It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders. It’s hard to sift through the muck of depression and overwhelming problems. But if you can find a glimmer of happiness in any of your ideas, try your hardest to pursue it. Best wishes.
  11. I think your dad may need some time. Emotions are rightfully high given the circumstances. Maybe you all could ask to reconvene in a couple weeks so things can be worked out. But just incase, eviction isn’t an overnight thing. There are court legalities that have to be followed if you have lived there for 30 days or more. Family or not. It is a long process and usually not in favor of the owner but the occupant. With that said, it sounds like you could use a healthy outlet to vent your frustrations or maybe to speak to your therapist about a healthy way to express your emotions about your bombarding surroundings. I have a family member with high functioning aspergers and it is common for them to be irrational or to say or do inappropriate things. So although it is hard for you to deal with, it is even harder for her to understand and control those feelings. It is a vicious disorder. Have you talked to your therapist about your interactions with your sister? If not it may be helpful. I know one of the things we were told to practice with our family member is: five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear. Two things you can smell. One thing you can taste. We use this formula before a fit, to ground her and make her more aware and calm. I know it’s hard always being the bigger person, but in this instance you are the one better equipped. But I do think you need to find an outlet for your sanity. You deserve better than you’re treated.
  12. I was literally just reading an article about this very situation yesterday. It is infuriating. In our society it was ingrained: you go to college, get a degree, and you can obtain the American dream, living comfortably and securely day by day. But that is completely and utterly ridiculous. The economic divide is greater than ever. In the article, big name companies stated that in order to secure a position with their company you had to have a BA/BS but they were only offering $11-16 an hour. Yet the CEO/CFO/COO’s we’re averaging in the millions for their yearly salary. Some didn’t even have a degree. It is completely stacked against the hardest working and completely unfair. Worse yet, the debt acquired to obtain said degree is atrocious. Most people are going more in debt than they would make in two years of salary for their job they acquired the degree for! It isn’t you. It really isn’t. The system has set most up to fail. Maybe not all but not everyone can be included in the ability to live beyond paycheck to paycheck. Dare I say most, if not all, that I know are one big bill away from bankruptcy. With the ever growing economic gap, financial freedom is an impossible, with retirement age exceeding mosts expectations. I feel like the only time we will finally be able to rest is at death. Sorry to be so sad and morose. This has also been something heavy on my heart. When I see family on their death bed, still struggling to feed themselves. Even after they served our country for years, only for their bravery and sacrifices to be forgotten. It is depressing. I am sorry. But I do hope that someday you can find some happiness outside of it all. When you snag your job, find happiness in the assurance of your paycheck. Best wishes friend.
  13. I’ve never done EC therapy personally so I cannot attest to it’s efficacy. However, I did know someone that while in a mental detention center was given this type of therapy as a means of recovery from his disorder. He swore it did absolutely nothing for him with no ill affects. Hopefully this will bump your post and grab the attention of someone else with actual experience to help you. Best wishes!
  14. Crazy. A depression forum is too negative. Imagine that. Sorry we inconvenienced your mindless chatter with our problems. Perhaps you’d be better off finding a hobby forum to chat it up on. I hope I am just being an a****** and this doesn’t make anyone else here feel just as inconveniencing as we do to the rest of the world. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable and this is the best outlet I have found to come clean about my emotions. I am unapologetic that it may be negative. This post, to me, is a prime example of the issue of mental illness in society today. People are told what they’re feeling, sharing, saying is too negative, sad, annoying, etc. If you don’t like it, than why seek it out purposesly on a DEPRESSION FORUM? We shouldn’t have to be shamed for what we feel or share. Especially on a website where we can do so freely with anonymity.
  15. I’ve never heard of that but it never hurts to ask a physician about the possibility. They would have a much better understanding of the mechanics of depression on the body. Best wishes.
  16. What a beautiful, truthful, and honorable quote. I’m glad that you found solace and peace in something beyond your control. Thanks for sharing. Cheers!
  17. I have personally utilized the chat room two times and found a friendly and welcoming moderator. I cannot remember how I accessed it nor the ease of the access. I do know I would definitely be more inclined to use it had it been more active. If the designated time for group gatherings happened during a time I was available I would likely utilize the chat room. I don’t know how many moderators you have available through this website or their availability, but if anyone has the time and dedication maybe switching off with each other to sit in the chat rooms otherwise. Or if there is a way for someone not on the website to be alerted to when someone does sign into the chat room. These are probably not probable ideas, but just some I had to make the chat room more accessible by all. thanks for posting this!
  18. 33 here and decidly came here and continue to come here to have some sort of human interaction. I have no one I can speak to about my depression and have a severe fear of therapy so that outlet isn’t an option for me. So this place is it for me. This and a journal I have begun to write down my thoughts somewhere. I hope you find some comfort here in the forums. If not seeking or finding answers; than at least in knowing there are others like us here and you are not alone.
  19. That’s a good one. To kind of piggy back off of your question and answer, I know someone that portrays themselves and their life with their family absolutely amazing and effortless on social media. Anyone that doesn’t actually know them would assume they’re just born privilege and amazing. I’ve come to find out that there is infidelity, substance abuse, emotional abuse, and severe depression riddled throughout their household. I think most people put on an amazing facade. I don’t think anyone truly has their together. My question to myself daily: why can’t I control my emotions better? Answer: It took years to learn those emotions and will take years to unlearn them. Thanks for the fun mental exercise.
  20. You are NOT worthless. You are not the worst. You are not a “biotch”. And I can guarantee it, because you have that understanding of your shortcomings and most importantly, remorse. That may be how you feel since facing your actions and it’s understandable but the fact that your bad actions invoke such a reaction is a good thing in a way. How long did it take you to become to person you are today? Know that if you want to change that, it will not be an overnight change. I don’t know how long you’ve stepped into the self-awareness realm but it’s a good thing. You became who you are through years of exposures and possible traumas and it’ll likely take years of the right kind of exposure and mending that’ll change you again. Be kind to yourself. You’re ahead of the game. Your self-awareness is to your benefit. Maybe you could speak with a doctor about tools to help yourself in this journey. cheers!
  21. I couldn’t disagree with you more. I have always been the one in relationships that has worked up to four jobs at one time just to make ends meet while my ex pretended to be disabled when really he was behind my back sleeping with women while I worked. I paid for my “wedding” to my husband which only cost us the paper license., $80. I was the only one of us working for 4 years out of our almost 10 years together. Me, a woman was the breadwinner from teenage years until age 30 when my husband decided he was ready to work again. You couldn’t be further from the truth and any more sexist. If this is the type of attitude you have towards women it is no wonder you have issues and will continue to. That is a unhealthy and unrealistic image you have. OP. Don’t sell yourself short. Livable wages are harder to come by and you seem like a great a sensitive soul. If you continue to seek and you’re willing to be vulnerable you may find that person you desire in your life. However you cannot depend on them for your happiness. As for the woman, maybe she was upset because you hadn’t texted or made the effort. It’s really hard to know unless you ask flat out why she has given you that reaction. As for your age, dating and marriage is being pushed further and further back. Your age is not uncommon in the dating world. I wish you the best in your endeavors.
  22. I think most, if not, all on this website can relate. Depression makes doing the every day mundane tasks the hardest chores ever. And to be honest, death sometimes feels like the easiest way out, but we have to convince ourselves there is a purpose. What you have to say just might touch someone else and save them. Know that you do have purpose even if it’s hard to see sometimes. Also know you are nowhere near alone in this battle. I don’t know how many people are on just this forum but I imagine a lot. I’m also going to assume it doesn’t even touch a percentage of the people suffering in the world. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but we’re all hear to listen or to talk! Share whatever you feel comfortable with. I can attest to what an amazing tool this forum can be when suffering. Many hugs! Wishing you the best.
  23. Beautiful and impactfully written. I am willing to bet everyone feels and understands your emotions. Perfect representation of what a day suffering depression looks like.
  24. Hey Max! Welcome to the forums friend! You will find a lot of people here ready and willing to talk. Feel free to share whatever you are comfortable with. This site and all the wonderful empathetic and sympathetic people on it are a wonderful aid. Know that you are not alone in your fight.
  25. I was in an abusive relationship for seven years, and I do have too many memories tied up in this person. However I have grown callous and indifferent to all feelings and memories of him. I can understand why you are feeling the way you are but your friends are right. You need to move on. The thought of being with your abuser or the desire is not healthy. I am not really sure how to “fix” it, but do know it will take time. You grew and intertwined lives together during some of the most defining years of your life and when hormones and emotions are at a high. Know that you are better than that and worth so much more than he offered. When you have a happy memory, cap it with the thought of a bad one with him. This is what worked for me. Also, I think it would be beneficial to seek professional help in order to assure you will not be repeating these issues in future relationships. best of luck!
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