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Everything posted by Tid322

  1. I’m sorry you’re in a tough place. I can see your dilemma with your parents, but it isn’t their life to live. I understand they want what is best, but some people don’t want the opportunity of school or would rather wait for when it fits their timing and needs, and I think that should be respected and discussed. I did not go to college straight out of high school, because I knew it would be a waste, and hard to obtain with prior obligations. But when the time was right for me, I did it. Maybe you should have a sit down with them and explain exactly how you worded it here. They cannot know your inner thoughts and feelings, unless you express that to them. I think it would be wise of both sides to listen without interruption and then work together to come to a healthy conclusion that works best for YOU, as it is your life. But you will have to consider and adapt to anything that also affects theirs for mutual understanding and respect. Wishing you the very best in your next journey.
  2. Thanks for checking on me. Still not well, not sure I ever will be. Like I said, it’s been years. I try my hardest not to cry in front of anyone. Always have. I’m really good at putting on a facade. I know I can’t fix myself, and it feels pointless to at my age. But I can work on building back up my facade. Being fake and hiding my emotions is attainable.
  3. I cannot do anything early. My youngest sleeps with me still. He is a light sleeper, like myself. If I move, he is up. So I don’t sleep well and can’t even use the restroom alone in the middle of the night without him breaking down screaming and crying for me to take him with me. At night, I am guilted for spending time alone. So even when I do take time for myself, I am feeling miserable guilt for the entirety of the time. My kids went from being happy and mostly independent; to extremely clingy and dependent on me for everything. Their every waking moment, and it is absolutely exhausting. My brain wants to explode when they ask to play pretend. But whatever it takes to keep them happy. So I try my best to engage but my brain won’t let me remember the story line and they grow frustrated with me at times. I fear they think I am ignoring them, or don’t care about what they have to say, just because my brain is defective. I’m trying my best. I want to make them happy. It’s the only thing giving me purpose. I’m glad we have started this holiday break. At least it will be one less stressor for us both for a couple weeks.
  4. I don’t. I’m actually just sitting here crying while my son has locked himself in his closet to do his schoolwork because we are getting increasingly frustrated with one another. I’m not handling it at all. I’m barreling through each waking moment in a haze of nearly unconscious thoughts. I often disassociate to avoid obtrusive thoughts of inadequacy and suicide. But this has been a thing since before the pandemic. It’s just now I cry in front of my kids because I have zero free time.
  5. I would take him at his word, that he is likely tired and everything is taking a physical toll on him. He has a lot on his plate and his health to consider. That is a lot. If he is posting things about depression it wouldn’t surprise me for him to be depressed with so much circumstantial incidents in his life. Depression is stressful, it is tiring, it is time consuming. It makes every day things incredibly difficult. So when he tells you he is tired, he is. Dealing with people, no matter how dear and close they are, still take time and energy he may not feel like he has right now. If you are still uncertain, you could always ask him directly, but he doesn’t owe you an explanation, so don’t take it personally if you don’t get a response or THE response you were expecting. If you want to continue to support him, but also feed your own needs, then say or ask what you want or need to, and leave it open ended. So when he feels ready to communicate he can without any added stress. Wishing you both the very best!
  6. I live where it’s hot year around and the constant sun and heat is depressing and exhausting. I feel happiest on the few days a year when it’s cool. Especially if it is raining or overcast. Something about it is relaxing. I hate heat and sun.
  7. I’m not sure of the point. Seems that it is mostly fruitless and pointless time filler. Humans are mostly deplorable. The few good are ineffective. I go back and forth questioning the existence of a higher being. Mostly for the fear, that if there is, they are sadistic assholes I wouldn’t want to spend eternity with. I fear what or who could await us in a potentially infinite existence. I fear an infinite existence. I’d rather be forgotten and never included in this shit history.
  8. It’s funny you mention him evaporating parts of me. I used to be extremely happy and bubbly individual. I had so many interests and hobbies. But he said “everything can’t be the best or the greatest! Stop saying words like this. It makes you sound immature and ignorant.” So I stopped. And then he made sure to make me feel stupid about all my interests. He still downs regularly makes fun of the fact I was into a predominantly “male” sport and tells me that he could easily beat me in the sport. If I ever made a friend at work it was automatically insinuated I was cheating and couldn’t be trusted. When he found out I had a friend I confided in he took it upon himself to text her and end our relationship for me, because I shouldn’t talk to her about him. I honestly do not know if I could end it with him. We have children and he has made it abundantly clear he would control my life if we divorce and make me stay in a state where I’d have no way to make a living on my own. So I stay. But I feel emotionally drained, exhausted and empty so many days. I love the idea of journaling. It might help me keep my memory and sanity. I will be using that suggestion. Thank you so much for listening and guiding me in the way I should go, as well as something more realistic to obtain for now. I appreciate it so much.
  9. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also so sorry to hear how things have gone with your father. I think it is important that people are held legally accountable for their actions. If they did not want the trouble, they should not have caused it. As hard as it may be to turn someone in, it’s even harder to continue enabling them for years down the road. It is stressful, time consuming, soul consuming, hurtful and will only continue to burn you. Just from what you have stated, it seems like he thinks he can walk all over you with no repercussions. If you continue to let him, he will, because it does not affect him. So why not is likely his mentality. Nip this in the bud before it becomes regretful for you. He may turn against you, but he already is. So you will at least have the financial and emotional burden off of you. Maybe eventually he will have a realization and try to rebuild your relationship. I’m wishing you all the very best.
  10. When I first moved in with my husband he would constantly be in contact with me and ask me what I was doing or where I was when he knew I was at work for 12 hours. When I would answer “I’m at work. I’m working.” His response would be “mmmhmm”, often times, or “oh yeah? You having fun?”, “you’re awfully quiet”. Because of my job I couldn’t text whenever and he knew that. Whenever he responded with those responses or similar, I always felt like he was insinuating distrust in me. But anytime I said I felt that way, he would ask what I had to hide, because I am obviously paranoid and be told I am either crazy or cheating. As time progressed I felt like we had a hard time communicating. Like neither one of us would understand what each other were expressing. When I would try to convey my feelings it would end up with him explaining that what I was saying and the way I was communicating was completely wrong. So I would try to reword and work around the communication problems. It honestly feels like we are speaking two different languages at times. And when I feel like I’d finally get out what I needed to say, he would nag on the misuse of a word and change the subject, to how can I communicate if I’m not even using correct words. But sometimes words had two meanings and he refused to use the other meaning that I had intended. I used to try very hard to do better and be better for the relationship. So much that I would concede a lot just to avoid an argument I knew would go nowhere. It became habitual to not even question some things. So when he started to tell me that I was misremembering things I believed him. And then there were incidents where I had truly misremembered, and he has been able to catalogue those times to use at every argument, to win his case. And I feel hopeless to combat it, when there is proof I forget. I have been feeling like I’m going crazy for a decade and losing touch with reality at times. I know I am human and bound to make mistakes. So I have gotten in the habit of never believing myself or my memory to buffer an argument. But for the past few years I feel like all of this has led to me quickly losing my memory. I have severe lapse of retention and focus. Lately it has gotten to the point that my children will ask me something and I have forgotten what they are saying by the time they finish their sentences. My husband is growing irritable with my complete lack of focus. I can be looking directly in his eyes and focusing on every word, but by the end of the conversation I’ve forgotten a lot of it. He tells me I am not listening because I cannot quote him verbatim and it leaves me feeling frustrated because I am honestly trying so hard. I always end up getting frustrated and just giving in to whatever he is trying to say or just cutting myself off emotionally to avoid embarrassment and pain. Because no matter what I do I cannot answer correctly, even if I try my hardest and do retain enough to converse. I have times of worry that I am the person gaslighting and I don’t even know it. Because I will say things like “every time!” When I don’t really mean every time, it just feels like it in that emotional moment. And then I have moments where I question his emotions and say that I don’t believe how he is feeling. I fear I could be on the wrong end of this. I would never want to do it to someone, so I am actively trying to restrain from words like “always” in our discussions. Do you think I am being gaslighted? If so, has anyone ever lost their memory from years of gaslighting? Or am I the gaslighter and that’s why my memory is messed up?
  11. I agree with the others that perhaps you should speak with your doctor about changing or adding to your current medication. I know getting to a doctor is even more difficult than a shower, so I’d suggest speaking to a teledoc if you can. Or finding someone that can offer a new medication by phone assessment to make it easier. As for the shower, I have my days of not being able to get the motivation to do simple self care. It helps me to NOT think of, or address all the steps it’s going to take. So as soon as I get the idea, I kind of go into robot mode. Sometimes I can’t get the motivation to stand or even wash or do every part. But I get in there at least, and hope that I get enough motivation for the rest, since I’m already there. If my time allows, I usually don’t just immediately get dried and dressed either. Because that seems like a whole other obstacle I don’t have the motivation to conquer. Take it one step at a time. However you can. I hope you find the motivation to care for yourself and I hope you get the help you need.
  12. I had a dream last night that made total sense. It has sort of been a revelation for the entirety of my relationship, and how I’ve let people control my life. Here it goes: In my dream, I am on open road with a mountain and beautiful scenery all around me. My husband walks to me as I consider a trek into the wilderness. He points to a gutter on the empty road and says he needs me. That he cannot fit in there, he needs me to climb down there and find something lost. He ties a rope around me and he gently helps me into the hole. I nervously let go of the road above and descend. He starts to feed more and more of the rope, slowly at first, then hastily. I tell him I’ve reached the point where I don’t feel comfortable going any further. To either stop or I won’t help anymore. I look up and I can see his eyes barely in the grating. He says a little further, he is sure. I uncomfortably oblige, and he releases more rope. I can no longer see the grating, only the light from above and a dark damp brown and rusted wall beside me. I scream up telling him I am scared, but he screams back it’s okay and continues. I start to hurtle towards an abyss. The light is beginning to completely fade. I yell for help, but receive, “you’re fine. There’s nothing to complain about.” Soon I reach complete darkness. I yell up and receive nothing. No assurance, no sound, no sight. I can feel the rope as it slacks in my hand. I realize that the rope has been dropped and I have no way back out. I realize I cannot hear anything, that no one will ever hear me, and that I am stuck in this abyss. Can anyone relate? Any dreams that have resonated with you? It’s crazy, because it’s rare that I dream, as I usually have pretty bad insomnia. So I felt like this was a pertinent message from my subconscious. Maybe I am just crazy.
  13. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. Losing a parent is a special kind of pain and depression that never leaves you. You kind of just learn to live with it over the years, even if that feels impossible. I just want to say that it is okay to rid yourself of toxic people and toxic relationships. If it is someone you can rid yourself of. If the people in your life are not healthy for you, then try telling them. If they can’t change their behavior, then you will have to change yours. Whether that’s by cutting them off, or not allowing them to consume you in other ways. I wish you all the best. Happy birthday! I hope your day and their attitudes do improve. Because I’m sure a good attitude an environment is the best gift anyone could give.
  14. I have had a few friends that are gender fluid. They explained it the same way you have. Some days they feel more feminine and other days more masculine. They’re happy with however others identify them as, but two out of the three gender fluid individuals I know tend to lean towards one gender more than the other. One was born male, but leans feminine and she has decided to pursue hormone treatments and breast implants to make her feel more whole and womanly. But she will continue to keep her male parts due to the chance of infection and the risky surgery. She asks to be identified as female but says she also has days she feels more male. I also have quite a few people throughout my life that identified as the opposite of their born gender. And I absolutely hate when people say “but you like guy stuff!” Being interested in socially constructed gender based activities is bull shit, and has nothing to do with having a V***** or penis. Liking what society expects boys or girls to like is nonsensical! No matter your gender, you will still be you. Like what you want! Wear makeup and identify as you want. Makeup is meant to enhance your natural beauty. And boys, girls, gender neutral are all beautiful. Be confident in who you are. There is only one you. Take the time to identify what makes you happy and pursue it.
  15. I think the anonymity is what sells me here, but still yet, I do instinctively find myself holding back even here from years of self training. I definitely don’t discuss anything with anyone in real life anymore, even professionals have screwed me over. I trust no humans.
  16. You can’t force someone into a friendship. I would personally send the friends request to keep your word, if it isn’t accepted, then I wouldn’t pursue it anymore. However I would leave it open ended for him for the potential friendship in the future. He may be too prideful or there may be other underlining issues as to why things have transpired with him this way. But I wouldn’t continue to bombard him with anymore messages. Maybe one more note that you’ll always be available, the door is open. Good luck!
  17. Well, do you want to care? Do you want to be more empathetic and sympathetic? Or do you prefer the callous mentality you have grown? I’m not saying it as if there is a right answer, but I am curious of your purpose in this self reflection. On one hand it sounds like you cannot be bothered to think beyond yourself or your own suffering, and in the next breath, it seems you’re painfully reflective of your shortcomings and have an inkling of regret. Perhaps some self reflection of what YOU really want or desire is in order. Not what others want or expect of you. Be honest with yourself, and know whatever the answer is, it’s okay.
  18. The bachelor. I just got home from a play place I took my youngest to. All the mom’s were grouped together, chatting about the bachelor. I want to scrub my brain from the crap I’ve overheard. I guess this is one time having no friends was in my favor.
  19. Texas. Summer. Baths. The Matrix. Mayonnaise.
  20. Have you tried getting yourself out there socially into something you’re otherwise interested in? It could be a good starting point. Example: if you like reading, maybe join a book club. You’ll get into a social interaction where “dating” or “finding a gf” isn’t your main objective and can allow you to relax a little bit perhaps. And as you interact more with the group, you may feel more and more comfortable and less anxious or self conscious, which could inevitably lead you to finding that special someone. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. If it’s any consolation, everyone I know that have used those types of sites, NT or not, have told me of similar issues. I am wishing you the very best!
  21. I’m sorry you feel lonely. Depression is very isolating. It’s exceptionally hard to go back to the mundane chore of life. Especially after such a lovely time. But I’m glad you got to experience that brief camaraderie and happiness. It is good to know that there are still these genuine souls in the world, yourself and that community. I don’t know if numbness is good, but it sure helps to get through the monotonous functions of every day life. It’s my belief that is sometimes the best thing. Fake it until you make it? I’m glad you are able to express with sincerity here.
  22. I didn’t know him well, and yet somehow he made such a massive impact. He was always thoughtful and honest. I just hope he has some peace, he deserves that and so much more. What a wonderful soul we have lost. Thank you for letting us know.
  23. I’m so sorry JD. That really does put you in a questionable position either way. I wish there was a definitive answer of what would be best. If retiring sounds at all appealing and is possible maybe you should. You could always take on a part time job to make some extra money to supplement on the side. Or maybe even odd jobs that the ex wouldn’t have to know about so you could keep YOUR earned income. I’m rooting for you, no matter which way you decide to go. You’re such an encouraging and wonderful individual. That company will be at a great loss without you.
  24. You cannot change an individual or control them. You can only work on yourself. With that being said, it seems like you are on the right path in taking some self-care and seeking a professional. You can set healthy boundaries for yourself by expressing what you are willing to deal with. You can express your desire for his own boundaries but you cannot enforce them. “Shielding yourself”, from him might be stepping back from a situation that you feel uncomfortable with or it may be diving directly into his issues. We can’t answer that for you, we don’t know the circumstances or your own personal boundaries. Marriage is no different in dating, in that you both will need to give 100% in order to have a healthy relationship. However, do not expect that you will both always give it 100%. Sometimes one of you will end up giving or taking more. That’s okay, as long as you’re both okay with that. Keep in mind you’re both humans with your own inconsistencies and vulnerabilities and issues. There will be many bumps along the road. It’s just a matter of how you both decide to conduct yourselves because you can’t control one another but you can control yourself. Go in with realistic expectations that life will not be easy or perfect. Marriage isn’t going to magically fix any issues you currently have. But time can if you’re both willing to intentionally work for it. Wishing you both the best, congratulations!
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