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Tid322

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About Tid322

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  1. Tid322

    STILL FEEL SO LOST

    My husband’s family is full of preachers. They all regurgitate the same line your pastor does, “true happiness comes from the Lord”. I’m not saying this to be rude or controversial, I am just trying to give you some perspective. One of his preaching family members we suspect purposely killed himself, one is a pathological liar, and another has issues with severe depression and sexual deviance. Those are the ones we know of with issues, I’m sure like any other humans the rest do as well. All of this to say, I don’t think anyone has it figured out. I think that some people say stuff to reassure others. But I personally think being deep into the word of god can make someone even more depressed. It’s like seeing this beautiful heavenly contrast of perfection and then turning to face the reality of life. We are nowhere remotely rewarded on earth and looking at what the world has to offer us isn’t really pretty. I think what you are doing in and for society is beautiful and amazing and is about as good as it can get. As selfless and honorable as we wish to be in the world, we are unlikely to see that given back. Do what makes you feel your best. Sometimes it’s a hard fight with yourself but in the end I assume as most do, you feel so much better about it all.
  2. Tid322

    Too,Blessed to be Stressed

    I hope your stress test goes splendidly and nothing is wrong. Hoping you also get some benign answers to put your mind at rest. Wishing you the best.
  3. Tid322

    Stigma, triggers, etc

    First off, I am so incredibly sorry to hear about this horrifying ordeal you have gone through. I have had something somewhat similar happen when I was going to therapy as a teenager. Though the legal recourse wasn’t for me, though I was the one that suffered for the therapists unfounded break of confidentiality. For this exact same reason I don’t trust therapists at all. I have a huge fear of sharing or giving trust to anyone with my feelings or issues in life. I literally have panic attacks whenever I do try to talk to someone in real life. Anyhow, all of this to say that you’re not alone. I don’t know what the permanent solution should be to this issue but I do know that this online forum has been an amazing tool in feeling comfort in the anonymity of my issues. It is at least something and somewhere to unload without the shaky fear of repercussions. And although you felt some apprehension just now as you wrote this post, it will get better with time and trust. If face to face therapy is something you do want to eventually seek out again, you most definitely can have a care advocate sit with you (family, friend, someone you trust) during your sessions. It is your care and sometimes you just need someone to help a little. There’s nothing wrong with that. Until you are ready for that or even if you never get to that point, we will all be here on this forum, ready to listen and support you as we can.
  4. Tid322

    Cant change

    If you haven’t already seen a therapist about this, I would highly advise you to. Lying is common, especially in the sense to make yourself or your life feel more grandeur. You need to know that you and what you have accomplished in your life is enough. Because you are. You don’t need the lies to be amazing, you just need to accept your accomplishments in life. And what may not seem grand to yourself may be the most amazing and coveted distinctions to someone else. If live-in therapy is what works best for you to get you where you want, need, or desire to be, then go for it. Whatever it takes to make you feel good about you. Cheers friend!
  5. Tid322

    Apologies

    You do matter. What you feel and say matters. I think it’s important to say what you are feeling here. It’s the one place to do so with anonymity and freedom of repercussions. What you may think as detrimental might be the awakening quote that resonates with someone else. That makes them realize they aren’t the only one. This is the one place you can say what you mean and no one will pass any judgment because we all truly get it. Commiseration is sometimes a beautiful and much needed thing. I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are, and that depression is attacking again. But I feel like what you should do, is to continue sharing yourself openly. You never know who you will touch or who will touch you. Vulnerability is much harder in person.
  6. I’m pretty good at pretending to be outgoing in large crowds. I have social anxiety and at first it was hard to do without stumbling on my words but with time and repetition it’s become second nature for me. I was given the best tip ever by someone else that also suffered from social anxiety: always be the one asking the questions. You end up setting the pace for the conversation. You can pre-ready any questions back at you because you’re holding the dominance of the conversation but you’re also likely to be talking the least. If you’re the one asking the questions you can predetermine them so there’s a level of control and comfort. It also takes attention away from you because they’re the ones speaking and when you do get to speak it’s already quick and thoughtout. Plus it makes you look like the good guy, because you want to learn more about the other person. Being outgoing is hard. It’s exhausting and mind numbing at times but I do think small habits and actions like this could help you.
  7. Tid322

    HELP!!!! Everything inside me hurts

    I'm so sorry you are struggling with this enormous ball of pressure and emotions. I am sorry that you feel used and that you feel you have no one to speak to freely. This website is a wonderful tool to speak open and freely with anonymity. I honestly do not know how I would handle your situation with her. Does she give you any signs that she may be interested in you more than just a friend? I would find it hard to not acquire strong feelings for someone that I am sharing my secrets with. Beyond professionals and anonymity of the internet, I feel like sharing those feelings builds a sense of intimacy naturally. I'd give it time. Test to see if your feelings subside. I'm not sure that coming out to her would ruin the friendship for her side, so as long as it doesn't ruin it for you I think you should venture forward when you feel it is necessary and you are ready. Best of luck!
  8. Tid322

    But I think that time has passed.

    How much vacation time does your current job afford you? Could you accumulate your time and even some personal non-paid time to travel extended yearly? It could be a good compromise to what is needed for your father and grandmother, the stability and ability to afford said travels. And it gives you more time than a few days or week to get the taste of the country you rightly desire. You are still young yet. I know physically it can all be taxing and draining day after day but it doesn't mean its impossible. If it is something you truly desire, and you have the means to have zero attachments for an extended vacation, I say why not take the time and go? Maybe having that yearly upcoming break may invigorate you and excite you out of your slumber. I don't know. I may just be talking out of my ass.
  9. Tid322

    So Frustrated

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I can assure you, you’re not the only one. I can say I went through this for a long time and then went into what I describe as a time of recovery. No therapy or medication worked, I changed the monotony even though it made me writher inside. I did things out of my comfort zone and eventually a veil lifted. I was happy for a long time. Then the monotony struck again. Have you tried changing your routine? Adding a new hobby to preoccupy your mind?
  10. Tid322

    Nothing is working

    Cosb. When I was 20 I called an apartment complex in a big city and asked if I could work off my rent to live there because it was close to a school I wanted to attend. They didn’t offer me full rent, but a huge reduction: 1/4th the cost. I literally packed my life into one suitcase, a backpack and a purse and moved out there by bus for $14. I secured a second job at a coffee shop three blocks away. It cost me nothing for my first months rent because I started working halfway into the month which covered the costs of that month. I didn’t end up attending school until a year later but I had a full plate. Point being, there might be options out there you hadn’t thought about. Maybe try looking for apartments offering jobs to secure a roof over your head and spread from there. I’m not saying these are definites and you should or will be able to obtain these because I had. Everyone is fortuned a different opportunity but I am saying maybe look outside the box of where you’ve looked prior. If you haven’t already. Also, just to let you know, it was the most of unglamorous and smelly jobs. I handled the garbage and cleaned the shoots of a 65 unit building.
  11. Tid322

    Nothing is working

    Being 33 myself, I can attest to the same feelings glfinding. I feel so wasteful when I look back at my late teens and twenties. Teenage years are hard, because you’re thrown into a world of possibilities with little direction, compassion, and understanding. 18 is exceptionally hard because you’re of legal standing now. You’re liable for yourself and your own actions. All of these things can mount but there sounds to be possibilities and ways. You just have to decide what you are willing to do to obtain what you want. Then once you’ve decided you’re willing to do them, you have to assess if they’re truly possible. Is moving to a city a possibility for you? It may open you to all of your desires of a school in the degree you want to obtain and a job to secure your future. It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders. It’s hard to sift through the muck of depression and overwhelming problems. But if you can find a glimmer of happiness in any of your ideas, try your hardest to pursue it. Best wishes.
  12. I think your dad may need some time. Emotions are rightfully high given the circumstances. Maybe you all could ask to reconvene in a couple weeks so things can be worked out. But just incase, eviction isn’t an overnight thing. There are court legalities that have to be followed if you have lived there for 30 days or more. Family or not. It is a long process and usually not in favor of the owner but the occupant. With that said, it sounds like you could use a healthy outlet to vent your frustrations or maybe to speak to your therapist about a healthy way to express your emotions about your bombarding surroundings. I have a family member with high functioning aspergers and it is common for them to be irrational or to say or do inappropriate things. So although it is hard for you to deal with, it is even harder for her to understand and control those feelings. It is a vicious disorder. Have you talked to your therapist about your interactions with your sister? If not it may be helpful. I know one of the things we were told to practice with our family member is: five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear. Two things you can smell. One thing you can taste. We use this formula before a fit, to ground her and make her more aware and calm. I know it’s hard always being the bigger person, but in this instance you are the one better equipped. But I do think you need to find an outlet for your sanity. You deserve better than you’re treated.
  13. Tid322

    Achievement

    You’re still here. You still open your eyes. You’re still making the decision to be who you are. I would consider all you’ve done a huge accomplishment. It isn’t the act in themselves but the will behind them that means so much. When severe depression hits, being alive can be so consuming. Just get by day by day. However you see fit. You are capable. You’ve done it thus far. Keep on and I hope your days get easier with time a repetition. If you ever need someone to listen, we are all here. Anytime any day.
  14. Tid322

    Depressed because of... everything

    I was literally just reading an article about this very situation yesterday. It is infuriating. In our society it was ingrained: you go to college, get a degree, and you can obtain the American dream, living comfortably and securely day by day. But that is completely and utterly ridiculous. The economic divide is greater than ever. In the article, big name companies stated that in order to secure a position with their company you had to have a BA/BS but they were only offering $11-16 an hour. Yet the CEO/CFO/COO’s we’re averaging in the millions for their yearly salary. Some didn’t even have a degree. It is completely stacked against the hardest working and completely unfair. Worse yet, the debt acquired to obtain said degree is atrocious. Most people are going more in debt than they would make in two years of salary for their job they acquired the degree for! It isn’t you. It really isn’t. The system has set most up to fail. Maybe not all but not everyone can be included in the ability to live beyond paycheck to paycheck. Dare I say most, if not all, that I know are one big bill away from bankruptcy. With the ever growing economic gap, financial freedom is an impossible, with retirement age exceeding mosts expectations. I feel like the only time we will finally be able to rest is at death. Sorry to be so sad and morose. This has also been something heavy on my heart. When I see family on their death bed, still struggling to feed themselves. Even after they served our country for years, only for their bravery and sacrifices to be forgotten. It is depressing. I am sorry. But I do hope that someday you can find some happiness outside of it all. When you snag your job, find happiness in the assurance of your paycheck. Best wishes friend.
  15. Tid322

    post ECT brain problems

    I’ve never done EC therapy personally so I cannot attest to it’s efficacy. However, I did know someone that while in a mental detention center was given this type of therapy as a means of recovery from his disorder. He swore it did absolutely nothing for him with no ill affects. Hopefully this will bump your post and grab the attention of someone else with actual experience to help you. Best wishes!
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