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Everything posted by mikeb6901

  1. Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of people here willing to help in any way they can. I know that feeling of being lost & alone. I've learned here that we truly aren't. I've been coming here for years & there are always people willing to help, offer advise or just (most importantly at times) listen. They've helped bring me out of some severely dark time...ones I never thought I'd see past. There are many days I don't leave the house and am crippled by my anxiety & depression. Although I don't have have an affliction as severe, I can relate. Feel free to reach out any time. I'm glad you are here 🙂
  2. hate being alone. i actually look forward to work because that means i get to be around other people...even for just a few hours. it helps me feel normal.
  3. just cant seem to shake the thoughts. I miss my kids, I miss my ex-wife, I miss my old life. My new work schedule if unbearable. I can barely sleep which means I'm always exhausted, which we all know fatigue leads to our minds working overtime. Things just suck. I know we're all hurting, this is just my rant.
  4. I was just wondering the same thing. Not so much a moderator but what's up with all the spam? I know I haven't been here in a while but damn. Anyone know if there is a way to block or mute those posts so we don't see them?
  5. hot as hades again in the Boston area...and I love it 😀
  6. I know we have our own stories as to why we are here. I myself have been off and on this forum through the years. Everyone here has always been amazing and supportive & I've tried to show the love I have felt here towards others either when I'm here or IRL. Today sadly I'm back & i feel like I just need to rant, I'm sorry about wasting your time & honestly no one has to read this or reply I just feel the need to get these words out as I have no one to talk to. Here goes... I was married for 20 years. During those 20 years I had cut myself off from family & life long friends, merely for the fact that my wife didn't care for them or that they might be a "bad influence" on me. I did this knowingly & willingly. Why? Because she was my love & I had the mindset of "i don't need anyone as long as I have her". I had 20 amazing years & raised 3 amazing children, then it all went away. I was asked to leave by my wife in 2020. More or less because she was no longer in love with me & didn't know if she ever really was. Family and friends had all warned me for years that I was being used & settled for as a husband. I refused to believe this and alienated myself from them. Like I said, as long as I had her I didn't need anyone else. Then it happened. I died inside that day. Over the years I have suffered severely from depression & anxiety (as you can see from my sporadic posts). At my worst times I never knew how I'd make it through, but with the help of the folks here, medication & therapy I always seemed to bounce back. As long as I had my wife & kids around me, their love would always pull me through. This time is different. There is an emptiness, a void, in my soul that will never be filled again. Now the consequences of cutting people out of my life are being felt 10-fold. I really do have no one. I'm 45, i live in my parents house because Massachusetts sucks & I can't afford to rent a place, I have no friends & I basically just want to go to sleep every night & not wake up the next day. My one enjoyment is actually going to work so I can socialize & feel semi-happy. Then the day ends or the weekend comes & I'm left with myself & my thoughts. They are crippling & consuming. I have even been invited to a co-workers house today for a cookout & I'm not going because I still can't go any place there may be other couples. I can't face not having my +1. I see and talk to my kids as much as possible but they have their own lives & i understand they have things to do. I still hope and pray that some day she will take me back but I know it's futile. Being with her was the only thing in my life that made sense & now nothing does...so yes I'd go back just to have that feeling of normalcy again. I know it's idiotic but I'd rather be with someone who doesn't love me than be alone anymore. We never fought, neither of us were abusive physically or verbally. We were a pair in every sense of the word. It's pathetic & if I knew anyone who was talking this way I'd be the first to point that out... but that's how I feel. Because honestly if things don't change soon I don't know how much longer I can go on. I can't have this emptiness & loneliness be my life for the next 40 years, no one should have to. I'm sorry to go off but I told you it was a rant lol. Sadly I don't feel any better but it was nice to have people to talk to. Thank you again DF for providing me a platform.
  7. like a worm on the end of a hook, waiting for something to consume me & end it all.
  8. No, that is the last thing you need to do. If you feel that strongly towards her, go after her. Don't give up. Giving her space only implies you don't really care. Trust me on this, I've been married for 20 years. Going silent is the worst thing you can do.
  9. First of all, take a breath. You are ok. I was in a situation like this a long time ago, however I was the older. I was 26 & the girl was 19. Regardless if she was legal or not doesn't matter. I was in a relationship at the time & knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. Like you I was just having some harmless fun & really didn't think much of it. Until my girlfriend found out. We had a huge fight but honestly it wasn't a fight. A fight usually means each side has a different feeling about something and argue their points. In my case we both agreed it was a dumb thing to do. So it was more her telling me how much it hurt her, and me agreeing I effed up & desperately apologized. In short, if you have something real in front of you, don't do stupid things life flirt on instagram. You said you love your girlfriend correct? If that's true then knock it off. Some day, or the next time (because there is always a next time) she may not be so forgiving & understanding. She's not saying it's ok & to keep doing it. She's giving you a pass. Be grateful & let that be the end of it. I get those feelings you have when you flirt, trust me I do, it's an ego boost & gets your 17 year old hormones rushing. Honestly though, think about the shoe being on the other foot. How would you feel if your girlfriend came to you about her flirting with some older guy. It would be a kick in the balls and you know it. So yes, it really is that simple. I hope that helps a little. Good luck.
  10. In general I am a very shy & reserved person. I would have to say the best thing that helped me with this was a job i had years ago. It was in retail & it more or less forced me to come out of my shell. It wasn't easy & it didn't happen over night. In fact it took quite a long time for me to not shy away from customers. After a while it became more routine as I realized, this is my job & to do it right I have to be more outgoing & approachable. Especially in social situations where I used to sit in the corner & hope not to be noticed. So the job itself, as well as my own, I don't know, self-pushing lol, helped me a great deal.
  11. I've tried video games, reading, anything to try to keep my mind occupied. honestly what works best for me is a fan in the background or one of those ocean sound machines. But everyone has their own thing...I hope you find yours soon.
  12. You're definitely not being targeted here & for sure can open up to us. Either in the forum or in private messages, we are here for you. reach out any time 🥰
  13. like the horse chasing the carrot. happiness just dangling within reach & just when you think you've caught up to it, it's gone...it was just an illusion all along.
  14. Thank you @JD4010 It was a rather crappy week. I pretty much lived like a hermit. But it's a new week & it's time to get back into the world. Sorry to hear about your job. That happened to me in 2019. After 23 years of a job that was my second home, I was let go because the company was sold and I was upper management...so naturally I get the ax. No grand send off, no package, just "ADIOS"...my boss actually said that...Adios. So I know how you feel. Good luck to you though & I hope better things are heading your way!
  15. Thank you for your kind words. It's just an awful cycle. You are definitely not alone @Rach4masaya if there is anything you need, please don't hesitate to reach out.
  16. Im just the opposite here. I know I am not alone. I have a lot of loving and wonderful people who care for me and only want to help. The problem is I don't want them to. I would rather live my life alone like a hermit in the woods. I just want to be left alone so I don't mess up anyones life and bring them down to my misery level.
  17. Well yesterday I got fired from my job that I loved...Oh and today is my birthday. I've worked around COVID patients for the past 7 months in a hospital & not once did I have an awful a day as I am today. So yeah, that's my work thread.
  18. I feel like everyones life would be better without me around. sure they would be sad for a moment, but then they could move on and enjoy their lives. Rather than having me around and always pulling them down with me. I **** up everything I touch & ruin everything I am a part of. Everyones life would be better if I wasn't in it, or never was.
  19. i usually just stay in bed or I drive to the beach and sit there all day. The ocean has always been my happy place. Most of the time I don't even leave my car. I crack open the window a bit so I can hear the sounds and smell of the salt air. I lay my seat back and just think or sleep. Maybe you could give that a try. Or if you don't live near the ocean, get one of those sound machines. It may not be exactly the same, but maybe it's close.
  20. Just an update. After being left in limbo for 2 weeks by HR, I was called in yesterday to tell my I have been terminated. I am crushed. I never saw this coming. The reason I was given was because I talked to a co-worker about my marital status and it made them uncomfortable & they didn't feel good working with me anymore. So instead of letting me transfer to a different department, or even a different location, they decided termination was the best way to go. I know it will pass but I am absolutely gutted.
  21. So apparently I said something to someone who made them feel uncomfortable. I did no such thing towards this person. However there needed to be an investigation & today I got to hear this and defend my actions. A decision will be made at the beginning of next week regarding the “next steps” that need to be taken. So basically it sounds like I was accused of something I didn’t do. But to cover their asses legally I’m the one who’s going to get ****ed. The kicker is, this persons last day was today. She quit to go back to school. Nothing like trying to drag someone down on your way out the door. Why is it every good thing I have in my life turns to shit? marriage, gone. Work, soon to be. I’m forced to live at home with my parents who come home from down south next week. I’ve got one foot over the ledge & the rock I’m standing on is starting to give way 😞
  22. Very intuitive! And trust me, I thought that as well. Around them I can hold myself together so they dont see the effect she has on me. As for her and them, she has never been alone with them. The few times she started to act up, we left immediately. I swore to myself if I ever had kids they would not grow up with that in their life. I think it worked because they are at an age now where they ask "dad what's grammies problem?" 😂
  23. That is one thing you will find here. It is what brought me here many years ago. People that will listen and not judge. People who can relate. Sometimes it’s just a kind word to get you through a rough patch. Other times we talk each other through full-blown meltdowns. It’s an awful disease we have. Remember that, it is a disease. Some days will be better & some will suck. No doubt about it. We all wish there we magic words or one bit of sage like advice to make us all better. Sadly that person hasn’t shown up yet. Until then we are here for you any time you need us.
  24. It stinks, I know, but it actually sounds like you’re on the right track. All things are going to be a struggle with this disease. You are in therapy, getting it out in the open, and dealing with it head on. That is so incredibly hard to do and amazingly brave. There will be hiccups along the way, but that’s what we’re here for. To hold each other up when we need it and a shoulder to lean on. Welcome!
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