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Everything posted by mikeb6901

  1. like a worm on the end of a hook, waiting for something to consume me & end it all.
  2. No, that is the last thing you need to do. If you feel that strongly towards her, go after her. Don't give up. Giving her space only implies you don't really care. Trust me on this, I've been married for 20 years. Going silent is the worst thing you can do.
  3. First of all, take a breath. You are ok. I was in a situation like this a long time ago, however I was the older. I was 26 & the girl was 19. Regardless if she was legal or not doesn't matter. I was in a relationship at the time & knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. Like you I was just having some harmless fun & really didn't think much of it. Until my girlfriend found out. We had a huge fight but honestly it wasn't a fight. A fight usually means each side has a different feeling about something and argue their points. In my case we both agreed it was a dumb thing to do. So it was more her telling me how much it hurt her, and me agreeing I effed up & desperately apologized. In short, if you have something real in front of you, don't do stupid things life flirt on instagram. You said you love your girlfriend correct? If that's true then knock it off. Some day, or the next time (because there is always a next time) she may not be so forgiving & understanding. She's not saying it's ok & to keep doing it. She's giving you a pass. Be grateful & let that be the end of it. I get those feelings you have when you flirt, trust me I do, it's an ego boost & gets your 17 year old hormones rushing. Honestly though, think about the shoe being on the other foot. How would you feel if your girlfriend came to you about her flirting with some older guy. It would be a kick in the balls and you know it. So yes, it really is that simple. I hope that helps a little. Good luck.
  4. In general I am a very shy & reserved person. I would have to say the best thing that helped me with this was a job i had years ago. It was in retail & it more or less forced me to come out of my shell. It wasn't easy & it didn't happen over night. In fact it took quite a long time for me to not shy away from customers. After a while it became more routine as I realized, this is my job & to do it right I have to be more outgoing & approachable. Especially in social situations where I used to sit in the corner & hope not to be noticed. So the job itself, as well as my own, I don't know, self-pushing lol, helped me a great deal.
  5. I've tried video games, reading, anything to try to keep my mind occupied. honestly what works best for me is a fan in the background or one of those ocean sound machines. But everyone has their own thing...I hope you find yours soon.
  6. You're definitely not being targeted here & for sure can open up to us. Either in the forum or in private messages, we are here for you. reach out any time
  7. like the horse chasing the carrot. happiness just dangling within reach & just when you think you've caught up to it, it's gone...it was just an illusion all along.
  8. Thank you @JD4010 It was a rather crappy week. I pretty much lived like a hermit. But it's a new week & it's time to get back into the world. Sorry to hear about your job. That happened to me in 2019. After 23 years of a job that was my second home, I was let go because the company was sold and I was upper management...so naturally I get the ax. No grand send off, no package, just "ADIOS"...my boss actually said that...Adios. So I know how you feel. Good luck to you though & I hope better things are heading your way!
  9. Thank you for your kind words. It's just an awful cycle. You are definitely not alone @Rach4masaya if there is anything you need, please don't hesitate to reach out.
  10. Im just the opposite here. I know I am not alone. I have a lot of loving and wonderful people who care for me and only want to help. The problem is I don't want them to. I would rather live my life alone like a hermit in the woods. I just want to be left alone so I don't mess up anyones life and bring them down to my misery level.
  11. Well yesterday I got fired from my job that I loved...Oh and today is my birthday. I've worked around COVID patients for the past 7 months in a hospital & not once did I have an awful a day as I am today. So yeah, that's my work thread.
  12. I feel like everyones life would be better without me around. sure they would be sad for a moment, but then they could move on and enjoy their lives. Rather than having me around and always pulling them down with me. I **** up everything I touch & ruin everything I am a part of. Everyones life would be better if I wasn't in it, or never was.
  13. i usually just stay in bed or I drive to the beach and sit there all day. The ocean has always been my happy place. Most of the time I don't even leave my car. I crack open the window a bit so I can hear the sounds and smell of the salt air. I lay my seat back and just think or sleep. Maybe you could give that a try. Or if you don't live near the ocean, get one of those sound machines. It may not be exactly the same, but maybe it's close.
  14. Just an update. After being left in limbo for 2 weeks by HR, I was called in yesterday to tell my I have been terminated. I am crushed. I never saw this coming. The reason I was given was because I talked to a co-worker about my marital status and it made them uncomfortable & they didn't feel good working with me anymore. So instead of letting me transfer to a different department, or even a different location, they decided termination was the best way to go. I know it will pass but I am absolutely gutted.
  15. So apparently I said something to someone who made them feel uncomfortable. I did no such thing towards this person. However there needed to be an investigation & today I got to hear this and defend my actions. A decision will be made at the beginning of next week regarding the “next steps” that need to be taken. So basically it sounds like I was accused of something I didn’t do. But to cover their asses legally I’m the one who’s going to get ****ed. The kicker is, this persons last day was today. She quit to go back to school. Nothing like trying to drag someone down on your way out the door. Why is it every good thing I have in my life turns to shit? marriage, gone. Work, soon to be. I’m forced to live at home with my parents who come home from down south next week. I’ve got one foot over the ledge & the rock I’m standing on is starting to give way
  16. Very intuitive! And trust me, I thought that as well. Around them I can hold myself together so they dont see the effect she has on me. As for her and them, she has never been alone with them. The few times she started to act up, we left immediately. I swore to myself if I ever had kids they would not grow up with that in their life. I think it worked because they are at an age now where they ask "dad what's grammies problem?"
  17. That is one thing you will find here. It is what brought me here many years ago. People that will listen and not judge. People who can relate. Sometimes it’s just a kind word to get you through a rough patch. Other times we talk each other through full-blown meltdowns. It’s an awful disease we have. Remember that, it is a disease. Some days will be better & some will suck. No doubt about it. We all wish there we magic words or one bit of sage like advice to make us all better. Sadly that person hasn’t shown up yet. Until then we are here for you any time you need us.
  18. It stinks, I know, but it actually sounds like you’re on the right track. All things are going to be a struggle with this disease. You are in therapy, getting it out in the open, and dealing with it head on. That is so incredibly hard to do and amazingly brave. There will be hiccups along the way, but that’s what we’re here for. To hold each other up when we need it and a shoulder to lean on. Welcome!
  19. I have to have a fan on. I concentrate on the sounds it makes. Really hard nights I have an ocean sounds & rainfall loop on my phone I use. Ocean for me is the best because that’s the only place I’m fully at peace. Try one.
  20. It’s spring when my narcs mother is coming north for the summer. It’s sad but it is exactly like a Seinfeld episode. Six months of the year I have a 1400 mile buffer. My stress level goes down, my anxiety is manageable and my depression lessens. She doesn’t come home for another week and I can already feel my anxiety rising. It’s awful. Imagine the worst relationship of your life is over, and you start to rebuild your life. Then less than a year later you are in that relationship again. Now imagine repeating that cycle for 20 years. My marriages on the rocks, my job is a question and now I have this to deal with . At what point do I say forget it all? If it wasn’t for my kids I would’ve said it long ago.
  21. Today I feel like my head is going to explode in my insides are on fire. I know there are better days to come, I just want them to hurry up and get here. For all of you having good days, I love it! I hope to today I feel like my head is going to explode in my insides are on fire. I know there are better days to come, I just want them to hurry up and get here. For those of us having hard times, they will turn around. They always do. For all of you having good days, I love it! I hope to be joining you soon
  22. @Epictetus & @sober4life thank you both so much for your words. I remember you both from days gone by & how kind you have always been. I really have no idea what to expect but I have a meeting tomorrow with my boss & HR. I am beside myself. What are the odds I find a job that I love, working at a hospital in the middle of a pandemic. And now all that is up in the air. I can’t imagine what they are looking for. Even if nothing comes of it I feel like I have a target on my back now. I’ll let you know what happens. ps sorry for all the typing errors in my initial post. That’s what I get for typing on a cell phone in the middle of a panic attack
  23. I have been off and on here for years. You have all helped me in my times of need, And I like to believe I've done the same. But I need you now again my friends. In September 2019 I got laid off from a job I was at for 22 years. I ran the whole gamutOf shock sadness and anger. I was unemployed for a year during cauvet like most of us.Thankfully in October 2020 I got a job working at a local hospital. CComing from a business background I really had no idea what I was doing. Everyone was extremely helpful and kind and worked with me as I picked up on things.I started to feel like I found what I was supposed to do with my life. I'm not a doctor or a nurse, but I am part of the care team. Nothing in business ever gave me the feeling of self worth like this job has. I really love it. Today I was informed I am being put on administrative leave while they investigate me. I have no idea what they are investigating me for. There have been accusations made But I won't be told what they are until the investigation is concluded. I am absolutely freaked out. I have no idea what I could have done to cause this. I have worked at trying to get along with everybody. After all I am the new guy. That the hear that there has been issues and no one has confronted me until now is disheartening. FFor once in a very long time I was happy.Now I am slipping down that hole again. Depression has already kicked in and Tonight anxiety and panic have started to rear their ugly heads again.I know I've been through much worse and harder times. But this is just a blindside slap. I don't miss the speeling at all. My body feeling like it's on fire tingling all over, and nausea. Why does the ship keep happening? I just want to eke out a living and take care of my family. Is that too much to ask? I don't know how much longer I can take this up-and-down shit. Thank you as always for listening.. I will keep you posted as things unfold within the next day or 2. Where I'm not liking my odds
  24. You have definitely come to the right place. I've been here off and on for many years now. It's not constant, but it's a comfort to know the people in this forum are here when I'm at my lowest. Someone is always here to help you through. And trust me, we've heard it all so you are not alone! Welcome!
  25. I'm sorry to hear this, truly I am. If there is any way I can help please don't hesitate to reach out. I know from personal experiences, life long and daily, that things do feel like they pile up all at once. Like life is giving you one giant kick in the balls after another. But things do get better. Maybe not in the sense that all your problems go away, but they do become easier to deal with. Hang in there, we are all here to help any way we can.
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