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mikeb6901

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About mikeb6901

  • Birthday 05/11/1977

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Boston, MA
  • Interests
    smiling through the pain

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  • Yahoo
    mbarnstein@yahoo.com

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  1. hot as hades again in the Boston area...and I love it
  2. I know we have our own stories as to why we are here. I myself have been off and on this forum through the years. Everyone here has always been amazing and supportive & I've tried to show the love I have felt here towards others either when I'm here or IRL. Today sadly I'm back & i feel like I just need to rant, I'm sorry about wasting your time & honestly no one has to read this or reply I just feel the need to get these words out as I have no one to talk to. Here goes... I was married for 20 years. During those 20 years I had cut myself off from family & life long friends, merely for the fact that my wife didn't care for them or that they might be a "bad influence" on me. I did this knowingly & willingly. Why? Because she was my love & I had the mindset of "i don't need anyone as long as I have her". I had 20 amazing years & raised 3 amazing children, then it all went away. I was asked to leave by my wife in 2020. More or less because she was no longer in love with me & didn't know if she ever really was. Family and friends had all warned me for years that I was being used & settled for as a husband. I refused to believe this and alienated myself from them. Like I said, as long as I had her I didn't need anyone else. Then it happened. I died inside that day. Over the years I have suffered severely from depression & anxiety (as you can see from my sporadic posts). At my worst times I never knew how I'd make it through, but with the help of the folks here, medication & therapy I always seemed to bounce back. As long as I had my wife & kids around me, their love would always pull me through. This time is different. There is an emptiness, a void, in my soul that will never be filled again. Now the consequences of cutting people out of my life are being felt 10-fold. I really do have no one. I'm 45, i live in my parents house because Massachusetts sucks & I can't afford to rent a place, I have no friends & I basically just want to go to sleep every night & not wake up the next day. My one enjoyment is actually going to work so I can socialize & feel semi-happy. Then the day ends or the weekend comes & I'm left with myself & my thoughts. They are crippling & consuming. I have even been invited to a co-workers house today for a cookout & I'm not going because I still can't go any place there may be other couples. I can't face not having my +1. I see and talk to my kids as much as possible but they have their own lives & i understand they have things to do. I still hope and pray that some day she will take me back but I know it's futile. Being with her was the only thing in my life that made sense & now nothing does...so yes I'd go back just to have that feeling of normalcy again. I know it's idiotic but I'd rather be with someone who doesn't love me than be alone anymore. We never fought, neither of us were abusive physically or verbally. We were a pair in every sense of the word. It's pathetic & if I knew anyone who was talking this way I'd be the first to point that out... but that's how I feel. Because honestly if things don't change soon I don't know how much longer I can go on. I can't have this emptiness & loneliness be my life for the next 40 years, no one should have to. I'm sorry to go off but I told you it was a rant lol. Sadly I don't feel any better but it was nice to have people to talk to. Thank you again DF for providing me a platform.
  3. like a worm on the end of a hook, waiting for something to consume me & end it all.
  4. No, that is the last thing you need to do. If you feel that strongly towards her, go after her. Don't give up. Giving her space only implies you don't really care. Trust me on this, I've been married for 20 years. Going silent is the worst thing you can do.
  5. First of all, take a breath. You are ok. I was in a situation like this a long time ago, however I was the older. I was 26 & the girl was 19. Regardless if she was legal or not doesn't matter. I was in a relationship at the time & knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. Like you I was just having some harmless fun & really didn't think much of it. Until my girlfriend found out. We had a huge fight but honestly it wasn't a fight. A fight usually means each side has a different feeling about something and argue their points. In my case we both agreed it was a dumb thing to do. So it was more her telling me how much it hurt her, and me agreeing I effed up & desperately apologized. In short, if you have something real in front of you, don't do stupid things life flirt on instagram. You said you love your girlfriend correct? If that's true then knock it off. Some day, or the next time (because there is always a next time) she may not be so forgiving & understanding. She's not saying it's ok & to keep doing it. She's giving you a pass. Be grateful & let that be the end of it. I get those feelings you have when you flirt, trust me I do, it's an ego boost & gets your 17 year old hormones rushing. Honestly though, think about the shoe being on the other foot. How would you feel if your girlfriend came to you about her flirting with some older guy. It would be a kick in the balls and you know it. So yes, it really is that simple. I hope that helps a little. Good luck.
  6. In general I am a very shy & reserved person. I would have to say the best thing that helped me with this was a job i had years ago. It was in retail & it more or less forced me to come out of my shell. It wasn't easy & it didn't happen over night. In fact it took quite a long time for me to not shy away from customers. After a while it became more routine as I realized, this is my job & to do it right I have to be more outgoing & approachable. Especially in social situations where I used to sit in the corner & hope not to be noticed. So the job itself, as well as my own, I don't know, self-pushing lol, helped me a great deal.
  7. I've tried video games, reading, anything to try to keep my mind occupied. honestly what works best for me is a fan in the background or one of those ocean sound machines. But everyone has their own thing...I hope you find yours soon.
  8. You're definitely not being targeted here & for sure can open up to us. Either in the forum or in private messages, we are here for you. reach out any time
  9. like the horse chasing the carrot. happiness just dangling within reach & just when you think you've caught up to it, it's gone...it was just an illusion all along.
  10. Thank you @JD4010 It was a rather crappy week. I pretty much lived like a hermit. But it's a new week & it's time to get back into the world. Sorry to hear about your job. That happened to me in 2019. After 23 years of a job that was my second home, I was let go because the company was sold and I was upper management...so naturally I get the ax. No grand send off, no package, just "ADIOS"...my boss actually said that...Adios. So I know how you feel. Good luck to you though & I hope better things are heading your way!
  11. Thank you for your kind words. It's just an awful cycle. You are definitely not alone @Rach4masaya if there is anything you need, please don't hesitate to reach out.
  12. Im just the opposite here. I know I am not alone. I have a lot of loving and wonderful people who care for me and only want to help. The problem is I don't want them to. I would rather live my life alone like a hermit in the woods. I just want to be left alone so I don't mess up anyones life and bring them down to my misery level.
  13. Well yesterday I got fired from my job that I loved...Oh and today is my birthday. I've worked around COVID patients for the past 7 months in a hospital & not once did I have an awful a day as I am today. So yeah, that's my work thread.
  14. I feel like everyones life would be better without me around. sure they would be sad for a moment, but then they could move on and enjoy their lives. Rather than having me around and always pulling them down with me. I **** up everything I touch & ruin everything I am a part of. Everyones life would be better if I wasn't in it, or never was.
  15. i usually just stay in bed or I drive to the beach and sit there all day. The ocean has always been my happy place. Most of the time I don't even leave my car. I crack open the window a bit so I can hear the sounds and smell of the salt air. I lay my seat back and just think or sleep. Maybe you could give that a try. Or if you don't live near the ocean, get one of those sound machines. It may not be exactly the same, but maybe it's close.
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