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About Yuujin

  • Birthday 06/22/1994

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    I love my job, rock climbing, studying Japanese, video games, and friends...and drinking.

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  1. I think I understand what you are saying. To an extent. I do in fact enjoy my job and studies, but lack the motivation to actually succeed sometimes and I fail to see the point. Other than to please others. But that is something I should work on.
  2. I read everything in http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency and I think I can relate. Even my GF can probably relate to an extent. I can relate to a good amount of the questionnaire near the end. Though I don't think I grew up with family members with substance abuse or anything. I've had relatives with problems, but it wasn't like a way of life or thinking that was forced on me. It's weird because, after dating her I actually have pretty good self esteem right now, I think. I definitely didn't before. Now I have more come to terms with the things I don't like about myself. Though it doesn't seem to help with the existential stuff. With the situation I am in now, I can see that maybe I was/am too dependent on someone else. And I have plans to work more on myself and be less dependent on her. And it honestly scares me when people are dependent on ME for things, I'm always afraid of failing them. Especially since I have failed her in the past. But what I don't understand is why I think so negatively of her all of a sudden...for no reason. There isn't really anything to trigger it or particularly anything specific sometimes. I really just want to love her and it's like it won't let me out of fear, but not sure what I'm so scared of. The only way I can even imagine failing her, is due to this exact issue. I myself am not Asian though I've been studying Japanese and majoring in Asian Studies for about 3 years now. I know what you mean about the Asian backgrounds and families because I have seen it before. Although my own family isn't like that. I more meant by it that, although I don't really care to become successful in my work or studies and don't see the point, and don't necessarily want to try, it is still a bit more stress free to do it anyways so my very judging Mormon family won't bother me about it (to be fair not all mormons are like that, just a lot).
  3. After talking with others as well. I decided what I was going to try is to spend time with her like I did when I was trying so hard to get her back, when I was sure I loved her. Make sure I make an effort to do things for her even when my heart isn't in it. And try to make the best of it if possible. Someone suggested maybe in my mind I reject people before they can reject me. Which also sounds like a possibility but doesn't really make me feel any better about it lol. That is my current plan anyways. If anyone else comes up with something to make me feel any better about this or explain why I'm fked up, would be appreciated :)
  4. That is what I intend to do. I have never been much of a believer of "just smile and you will be happy" but I really don't know what else to try at this point. My friend I mentioned earlier who has done the same in the past, just suggested something to me too. She said "is it possible you so desperately said and did so many things to get her back just so you wouldn't be alone? Without realizing how you actually felt". This rang pretty hard. It seems very possible but, at the time I very very very much felt that all the things I said and did were genuine. I didn't doubt for a moment that I didn't love her. But idk maybe subconsciously I was just overly desperate and said things I shouldn't have...which makes me feel even worse because if I were to take things back it would crush her and I can never do that. I don't intend to be with her forever and I don't think she does intend to be with me forever either. But I would hate to feel like I am leading her on which is the reason I have always been so skeptical of showing affection even when I am not sure. But I think this is something I will try anyways, even if it kills me and I end up needing to truly fake it for months just to keep her happy then I will. But my friend also says I can't stay with someone just to not hurt them, even if we do long distance and slowly break up. I can't go from telling someone I love them and they mean the world to me, and that I want to try long distance with them, to suddenly saying "lets break up" the next day. That's pretty heartless. And really the negative things I think about her? Aren't even bad things, my mind just fabricates things to think negative about her. It doesn't make sense. I have never expected her to be perfect, even before dating or getting back together. But it's like my mind will not settle for anything less than perfect now. I want to try to make things work with her if I can. Try to love her. Maybe things won't work out and we will break up in a few months during long distance. That is the plan I want to put into motion. I just hope it's the right choice. I really appreciate your reply, and I think it was helpful. I will try doing the thing you suggested and try to make myself keep loving her. I can understand the part about expecting her to fix me even tho that is totally wrong and I should never expect that or push that responsibility on someone. Part of our issues in the past was I was still always unhappy and she started feeling bad too because she took it as her responsibility. I kinda regret ever telling her about my depression problems. I was very hesitant to do so when we first started dating.
  5. One more thing to note. I have a friend a few years younger than me with the same problem. She has far more dating experience but does the same thing whenever she is dating and she doesn't know why either. I know I'm not alone in this but, nobody seems to have an answer, reason, or solution. At least not anyone I have talked to about this yet.
  6. I usually end up typing too much so I'm going to try to keep it as short as possible but there's a lot to say so, sorry in advance if I get carried away typing. I have had depression for pretty much my whole life, tried several medications, effexor, buproprion, duloxetine, lexapro, trazodone, adderall, ritalin, some others I can't remember. Right now I am tapering off Duloxetine Cymbalta. I'm not taking anything else, just a lot of vitamins, 4000 vitamin D (used to have a vitamin D deficiency), 4000 niacin (heard this can help with depression but haven't noticed anything yet), and a daily vitamin. I've tried therapy before but didn't help. I've cut before but don't anymore. I'm male, 22 years old. That's about all the back story. So this problem I have, when I am alone (not dating) I have major existential depression, no activities or people really bring any happiness or joy to me, I feel like my thoughts race too much and anxiety/stress overwhelms me so the most I do is activities to try and keep me from being bored and thinking too much. I work and do well with my job, and am on my way to graduating with a BA degree in asian studies. But it's like there is no purpose to anything. I've tried several philosophical view points or religion or ways of life and I can see how they can work for others but they just don't for me. TBH I really only go to school and work so that my family and friends don't think I've already given up, and don't get mad at me for being couch bum. But really I think being busy helps keep my mind off things a little bit. So then, when I am dating, it's like my mind takes an entire 180. But not necessarily in a good way. Not like, I'm suddenly happy but, idk it's hard to explain. I'll use an example. My current girlfriend I started dating last Christmas (romantic right?) leading up to us dating, I liked her, loved spending time with her, things were good and I felt happy(-ish). I think she's pretty and I love her personality. Then the moment we start dating, it flips, total 180, all of a sudden all I do is think negatively and stress about everything. What if I don't like her? What if she doesn't like me? What if she likes me too much and I hurt her? She doesn't look so pretty anymore, hanging out seems more like a chore. Before dating I was always excited as soon as I received a text from her, or snapchat, always eager to open it and respond. Then right after dating it's like I'm scared to respond fast, or don't want to see it, like I'm afraid of hurting her by making her think I like her? Because I like her, but I don't, I'm unsure. I think I need her in my life but I also think I don't and might be stress free without her. It's like my heart wants to love her but my mind wants to hate her. I ended up neglecting her a lot or saying not so nice things, she also wasn't perfect in our relationship, we both made our share of mistakes. We hurt each other a lot. I thought maybe I didn't care about her anymore. I read that Cymbalta can make you uninterested in everything and emotionless so I thought about tapering it off. One day she decides to break up with me and like instantly, my mind does another 180. I love her! I don't care about her flaws I want her! I can't think about dating anyone else and suddenly feel like I relied on her a lot. Seeing her and just holding her after a long day of work seemed so necessary to my life all of a sudden. I'm crushed and heart broken for some reason, and all I can think about is suicide for weeks. All I want to do is die, I can't hold my emotions inside when at work or school and nothing seems to matter. The money doesn't matter now that I have nobody to spend it with. The education doesn't matter because still, I don't care about my future at all and really don't care if I die. We end up hanging out more and I think I really love her, we basically are dating again but not "dating" and I'm trying everything in my power to give her the world. Eventually she takes me back and tells me she loves me again and I say the same to her and I'm happy for a moment....then...snap, 180 again. That was last night. Now I'm back to thinking negative about everything again just like before. I start questioning everything I thought about her and us after she broke up with me. Do I really love her? (she is from korea and is leaving in a month or so) do I really want to do long distance? What if I hurt her again? what if she wants kids? what if long distance doesn't work because, I want to try it but it seems so very unlikely it will work out, I can't afford to go to korea and she can't come back here after she graduates, it's most likely going to fail. But she's more optimistic, what if she thinks I'm the one? Because now I don't think she is the one even after crying and thinking she was after we broke up. Why doesn't she look so attractive anymore? Why am I suddenly thinking about all this? Or dating other people, or long distance, even tho we talked and shes aware it may not work out but still wants to try. That should reassure me right? And this 180 transition was practically instant, I went from talking to her about getting back together and looking at her like she's a goddess, to thinking negatively again, all within 5min. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? She doesn't deserve this and I don't deserve her. I am happier with her than without her, very much so. But I completely stress myself out and feel like I'm going to explode from all these thoughts. It's like after realizing I am still not happy after finally finding someone to date, my mind wants to blame the person I am dating. But of course I'm not going to magically be cured of depression upon finding someone, I already knew that. And it's not just her, I've done this before with other girls. Technically this girl is my first girlfriend. But there were times I was sort of dating with someone else I liked and remember doing the same thing, before even dating, just liking a girl up to the point of asking her out on a date, her saying yes, and then me suddenly starting to think negatively about her immediately after getting excited about landing a date. The same thoughts running through my head, even to the point of thinking she isn't so attractive anymore. So I don't think it is just this girl, and that my mind is just telling me "shes not the one" and that I need to find someone else. Because I am positive I will do the exact same damn thing to the next girl. I am trying to find an answer to this because..I have never heard of it before and don't even know what to search on the internet to find more information on it. I'm not horribly chronically depressed to the point of suicide like I am when I am single, but I'm obviously not happy when I am dating either. And it isn't the girls fault, and my self esteem is actually at an all time high when it comes to my abilities and looks. But why do I think so damn negatively of our relationship and the person I am seeing...when 24hours ago I thought I was head over heels in love? It doesn't make sense...I don't get it. All I do is worry about these things and it's ******* me. I am tapering off duloxetine hoping maybe things will change, because I have never tried dating when NOT on dulox cymbalta (60mg). But I am not going to hold my breath (jk I have sleep apnea so I am lol), really hoping I can find answers here. I go from existential depression, to finding someone I want to live for who is my purpose, then the moment I have obtained them...my brain ruins everything. ***? How is that even possible or make any sense at all? I feel like a horrible person, and hate myself for thinking this way...Right now I don't even care about anything else, not work, school, women, money, activities, scars, or even trying to find answers to the big questions that torment me so much. I just need to figure out why the hell I am the way I am in these scenarios. Ended up being a lot longer than I wanted. Sorry about that. I also apologize if this is posted in the wrong section, I tend to always make that mistake. I'm debating trying therapy again just so I have someone to talk to about this but, I don't really have the money for a professional and the cheap clinic I went to last time didn't really help. I felt more like a lab rat for psych students who didn't yet know what they were doing. They were nice and I don't blame them but, I feel like I would have benefited more from a professional.
  7. Thank you again for the replies. I'll keep trying with the Mindfulness. There are obviously still stressful things everyday but as for a reason for being depressed...I don't have one anymore. I'll hope this feeling will all just go away with time. Maybe I'll give other medications a try or something. Thank you again for the replies.
  8. Thank you for the replies. RockoBoy you mentioned I have been attempting mindfulness lately. With my therapist as well. For some parts of it, it helps for a little while or a few minutes but usually stops. My mind drifts quickly too so it is hard to focus on mindfulness. Would you have any advice for this if you have experienced this yourself?
  9. Hey all if anyone still remembers me. New title I guess would be "I have no ****ing clue what's wrong with me and no idea how to fix it". Which would be more appropriate. Lets see, little update might be in order. STILL weigh nothing but it doesn't bother me much. Was taking duloxetine and bupropron now only duloxetine (bupropron gave me headaches). Seeing another doc for weight/wrist pain/headaches but that is also whatever, not much of a bother. Therapy sessions going alright I guess. Got a girlfriend. Who I adore. Tomorrow is our 100 day anniversary (she is Korean and they do 100 days 200 days, weird stuff like that). She's amazing. Zero problems with our relationship. Everything is great. Work is great. Friendships are great. Dating life is great. School is still fine. Not all that self conscious about weight and appearance anymore. I am going to Japan with my gf this summer which is one of my dreams. Well on my way towards any goals or values I have set if I have not already reached them. Money is a little less tight but I'm doing fine. Everything is great! But....I'm still not happy. No where near it. I don't know why. I have everything I could possibly want at this point in my life I think. Now when I'm depressed there isn't really a reason anymore, I just am depressed. Maybe the occasional thing here or there but it seems more like I'm just trying to find a reason so I nit pick. I lack motivation to do anything, no enthusiasm, and find no joy in any activities. Still just constant suicidal thoughts every day, but with no reason behind them. And it is has been this way for a few weeks now at least. Since my gf is from Korea, I imagine she will eventually return and we will separate. Which I would hate to happen but at the same time, she may be better off. I worry I will never be happy, and one day **** myself in the future or something. I wouldn't want her to be with me if I get to that point. Honestly don't know *** is going on anymore. Just feel tired and exhausted and want it to stop. I don't know why I don't want to live, or why I can't let myself just be happy. Therapist is also stumped. Thank you again for all the past replies.
  10. Small Update Duloxetine might be helping but might be too early to tell for sure. Finally got a call from that place and they set up an appointment. Had first appointment with a like, student therapist. Which went okay I guess. She seemed shy and kind of green to being a therapists but I don't mind. I mine as well see how it goes. I don't think I'm very good at talking without being asked questions in these kind of scenarios. Still no appetite, a lot of my side effects are gone now which is good though I still feel weak. I think it will come back though.
  11. I have some sort of form of IBS, it's more of a stomach acid issue. All growing up I had what I thought was heartburn or at least that's what I was told it was. Getting all sorts of drugs to control heartburn but nothing really worked so I stopped taking it. Years later I meed a gastrologist who gave me those pills that suppress stomach acids and now I can eat without getting sick. I just don't have much of an appetite. I never ate much growing up, probably because of this, so I'm not used to eating a lot. I also have insane metabolism which I got from both sides of the family. I was very tiny as a kid too. My dad was the same, growing up always the smallest kid in school until highschool where he got bigger (still skinny but at least taller, like me). It is a pain, I try eating 3000-4000 calories a day if I can. But a lot of days I just don't have the energy to do anything, to tired to even make a protein shake. But still, whether I eat a lot or nothing at all, my appetite doesn't seem to change and neither does my weight. Only muscle seems to effect my weight and I have some trouble recently building that thanks to a ton of fatigue. But ya for me it was always "you have heartburn", till I met the magical gastrologist who correctly diagnosed me.
  12. Campari to encourage appetite. Help me eat since I am so skinny. I actually very much like bitter alcohol and other things like alcohol. A friend of mine also wants to try it out. I should just buy some already lol, last several posts I've said I was going to or planning on it. I get paid tomorrow so maybe I'll get some. I hope duloxetine works too. The sleep paralysis was before I started duloxetine, when I was just on effexor and only happened once (last night). It was scary but, almost like a dream I don't really remember it much anymore, even though it was very vivid and very much real. Also I heard about the digestion problems with duloxetine so if it is really bad I might start taking more glyccoplrolate or whatever it's called. I already take it daily for my stomach problems, taking more won't hurt (it's just super drying). I also have some other things that might help (just over the counter).
  13. Update time. A real one this time. Spoke with psychiatrist again today. He told me to stop effexor right away and start duloxetine 60mg. Which he said is about the strongest thing he's got for me. So I guess I just hope this one works since there's not much else... Well if this one doesn't cause me to lose feeling in my arms or get super dizzy I guess it's an upgrade from effexor. I'm also stoked to partially OD on a new medication again since that was so much fun the first time! (my insurance wouldn't let me do a lower dose. Actually I waited in the pharmacy for almost 2 hours waiting for my insurance to approve literally anything duloxetine). To correct myself from what I said in the previous post. I do want to live, I would love nothing more than to live happily. But if that's not a possibility I would really prefer death, even though it is impossible since I am 'needed' supposedly. Still no call from therapy. I was going to check local liquor store for campari but uh money is something I don't have a lot of right now. Not sure what else to do from here. Oh ya, anyone ever get like, extreme nightmares after taking some medication? Last night I don't even remember my dreams but I wasn't even like...asleep. I was asleep, but I was in my bed I could tell. Every like 60s a wave of shear terror would overcome my body and I would lay there paralyzed screaming (trying to but not making any noise). I swear I was awake, but I was also dreaming in a sense, it was weird. I've never had that before, ever. I don't think I even had that as a young kid.
  14. I'll see what I can do about the campari. I've heard it is bitter but, I usually tend to like bitter things. Maybe I'll try the meditation again, and this time with the beats. I do want to die. I really do. I really really really really want. But that goes back to the caring for others more than myself thing (not always getting care back). There are certain people who would be upset if I died, and I'd rather live an empty husk to keep them happy then to die and make them unhappy. My former Japanese professor who is one of my closest friends told me "you can't die because I'm selfish and I need my students". We recently had a small discussion where I explained what "needy" means, like describing someone as needy (because she didn't understand). So I thought her saying that in that way was fairly humorous. I'm trying to get this therapy thing going but, having some complications. Clinic I go to is basically free because I have no money, and they don't seem to really care if I'm there or not or if I get any better. I'm just another student feeling a bit down who's passing through the universities health center.
  15. Small update. Student therapist at cheap clinic at my university suggested I go to this other clinic for more expensive therapy (also students apparently, but more advanced I guess). She said they would give me a call by the end of the week to schedule appointments. Haven't had a call or email or any word from either therapist and it's been almost 2 weeks. Medication still not really helping. But most side effects are either gone or I have gotten used to them. I'm going climbing again tomorrow so hopefully that side effect has mostly passed. I still get light headed, and I bleed SUPER easy. Like, maybe 3-4 nose bleeds a week just from being in the shower with steam. The other night I woke up from my nose bleeding in the middle of the night and there was blood all over my bed. It's not that bad but, still feels weird to get a cut or something and it just doesn't stop bleeding for a while. Meditation wise, I've tried some things and am looking other things. For the most part I feel incapable of meditation, I can't stop thinking or be blank of mind. My friend said it's more of thinking something, acknowledging the thought, and letting it pass. But idk, no matter how many times I've tried I just can't. Never tried Yoga but I have done similar things that, were enjoyable but not really relaxing like meditation. A friend of mine just introduced me to binaural beats. Listening to like Apha, Beta, Theta, or Gamma waves. They supposedly can effect your mood and increase brain functionality in certain ways depending on what ones you listen to. They are also used in meditation but I haven't tried it yet. Apparently big area of study right now but has some controversial properties. http://jetcityorange.com/binaural-beats/is the link he gave me. Delta waves are good for deep dreamless sleep and unconsciousness. Theta is good for deep meditation, non-REM sleep, very relaxing. Alpha is wakeful relaxation, drowsiness, REM sleep. Beta is active concentration, arousal, paranoia. And Gamma is high-level mental activity, problem solving. Gamma supposedly good for studying, playing video games, high concentration stuff. Don't think I've done it enough yet to be able to tell you if it works or not, but thought I might bring it up. Random side note. I found my 5 year old perfectly healthy cat dead in my backyard last Sunday. No blood or any cause of death I could tell. Got him Cremated today. Maybe he got clipped by a car and went to the backyard. Which also seems weird since he's an outside cat and is no stranger to traffic. Also still looking for some campari. Hesitant to buy some because it looks expensive and I don't want it to go to waste. Might split it with a friend.
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