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cpuman7

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  1. Just had a visual hallucination while having breakfast at a dining hall and just about flipped . I feel so on edge now because its by far the most advanced hallucination I've had and I haven't had but one or two before and those were a few years ago and now I have to go do this 1 on 1 conversation for a big grade with a professor and I don't even want to make eye contact and I can't think straight at all and I'm just so done, I'm gonna fail without a doubt. I just want to know what's wrong with my mind and how to fix it. I've pretty much managed to destroy my academic future in a few months while putting myself in debt. So exhausted
  2. I usually exercise 6-7 times per week for an hour to 2 hours per day. While it does help general mood levels a tiny bit, the main reason I do it is because its the only time of the day I can mostly get away from bad thoughts. That little 1-2 hour window is kinda the only peace I get. I know I'm in pretty good shape but that still doesn't seem to make me feel any better about how I look. I try to change how I think about it but it never really works. I usually go to work out in the evenings or night though, the drive to and back is part of the experience because I usually put the windows down and blast my music in the car, the cool air feels good and the music is another way to try to drown out the negative thought feedback loop.
  3. Pretty much all I've been doing is working and working out. I don't get many hours though and its at a deplorable wage so the money is almost nothing but its something to do I guess. I feel like I've done pretty well in terms of choices and all that, and on paper my life is much better than it was just a few months ago but I'm still just nonstop depressed, still lonely, still can't really get close to people or have an actual relationship. Home situation is still terrible and I guess that's something I could blame it on but I still am pretty sure that when my circumstances change pretty soon, even though things might be a little better, I'll still just be stuck in this perpetual depression. Exercising helps a bit, I just put the buds in and workout 2 or 3 hours per day but its more of a brief distraction than anything else. Its not like it really has much of an effect, I still have the same troubles with confidence and self-esteem no matter how in shape I am. Been having to make sure I eat enough so I don't make things worse, sometimes I get a bit too selective trying to eat healthy and I eat a lot less calories than I need, I should probably eat more I haven't really been keeping much body heat in which isn't bad for the summer but isn't something I should be striving for. Sometimes there's not money for enough food though so I have to do without. Should probably be trying someway to get to a therapist but I don't even know anymore, I just can't bring myself for some reason to call and try to schedule something. This all probably sounds really stream of consciousness and that's because it is. I'm just so tired of it all. Exhausted from the cyclical anguish.
  4. How do you guys deal with your mind automatically assuming that people dislike you? Especially going into a new environment with new people, even if people are friendly or I feel like I fit in, I still have this deep feeling that behind my back people talk about me and sincerely dislike me. It makes it really hard to develop trust in people or build meaningful relationships, and I feel like any mistake I make in front of people is catastrophic and that it will be remembered forever and held against me, even something as small as making a slightly awkward remark and feeling like it has doomed me in the minds of others.
  5. It's hard to tell because for so long I didn't think of it as depression, it was just how things were. I'd say probably 10 or 11 was when it really started affecting me significantly but it's hard to go back that far and remember how things actually felt.
  6. I should be happy, I got into a top school and that's the culmination of months and months of hardwork. But I'm not happy, I'm still miserable. I'm happy about the school but everything else is just the same I guess. Maybe I just am not able of being happy.
  7. Frustrated, feeling useless and defeated , got rejected by one of my top colleges. Spent so long on the application and like so much else it ended up being a waste. I knew it was one of the most selective colleges in the nation but i really loved everything i had heard and read about it.
  8. Haven't been able to do anything the last couple of weeks, just so exhausted. Makes me feel useless. I'm so tired of school.
  9. I thought of that when I first noticed myself doing it haha. @Epictetus It doesn't really make things better, it more like a temporary trance or escape I guess. Maybe it helps in the moment but i don't feel better after doing it.
  10. Lonely, anxious, stuck. Worried about what colleges I will get into, I got rejected by a school I thought I was a lock for and that really made all the months and months of hardworking and sacrifice just seem useless and wasted. I know I could still get into a good school but I can never focus on good possibilities, and I'm usually right.
  11. Does anybody else just write things down repetitively when they're stressed, anxious, and depressed? In school I can't focus on anything and I'll feel so full of anxiety, and the only thing that alleviates it a bit is to just write down things in mass. It's usually song lyrics, poems I've memorized, movie/book quotes, or just short grotesque disturbing thoughts. It's almost completely illegible and looks like the scrawlings of a madman (which I guess it kinda is). But I've filled up hundreds and hundreds of pages front and back like this, one time I just wrote the same poem down on repeat thousands of times over a month and a half, each page just containing multiple copies of the entire poem. And if I run out of paper, or even if I dont, I'll write over my other writings, even if I can't read it as I write down the words I still continue on in the same ritual, overlapping the words several times over sometimes. Anybody else have experiences similar to this? Is this an obsessive or compulsive behavior or just a habit?
  12. Had a big project I had that I stayed up all night to do, it was already late so I needed to get it done. But I just couldn't. I haven't had anytime in the past several months for anything that's not school, applications, dealing with family issues, or required volunteer hours. I'm so exhausted and I still can't stop. I knew I wouldn't be able to finish it or even get a meaningful amount of work in but because of the stress and anxiety I couldn't rest or sleep. So instead I stayed up through the night feeling guiltier and guiltier about how I couldn't do this project and getting more depressed as it went on. It's late 2 days already and i'm probably not going to be able to finish it no matter what and its a critical grade so i'm absolutely screwed and I'll just be more depressed and then everyone will think I'm just a lazy a****** and my grade and transcript will be even worse. I need sanctuary
  13. Inferior, Held down like a formless anchor is dragging my psyche into the depths of the earth. Doomed for every wrong move I've ever made. I just don't want to exist like this.
  14. Feel like there's no place I belong or ever will. Just want to hold someone closely with mutual care
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