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Raindrops on Roses

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  1. My anxiety is horrible today. I can't stop shaking, my heart is pounding, my fingertips are numb and I can't focus on anything. And my meds are not helping at all. I hate having to work when I feel like this. I wish I could go home. I've been here for 4 hours and have another 6 to go. Someone shoot me, please!!
  2. That's awesome! I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better. And congratulations on the upcoming birth of your great granddaughter. That's so exciting!!
  3. Day didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would. I spent some quality time with my aunt, who is like a second mother to me, and is battling cancer. Had some good conversation, a few laughs and a nice lunch. I always enjoy spending time with her. It just hurts to see her suffering and knowing that there is nothing I can do to take her pain away. I wish I could quit my job and take care of her full-time.
  4. My plan to spend my day off locked in my house alone has been thwarted by family obligations. Sigh. Now I'm sitting here in my underwear trying to decide how neccesary it is to shower before I go. Really don't want to do anything, especially leave my house. I think I'll bring my dog with me. Maybe having her there will help.
  5. 2 more hours of work and then a glorious day off!!! As much as I hate working Saturdays, it's nice to have a mid-week break on Wednesdays. I can't wait to go home and lock myself in my house and not come out until Thursday. I know that sounds sad but I really need some alone time.
  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking it is to lose a pet. No matter what age they live to, it never seems like enough. Just remember how special her time here was and how much love and joy she brought to your life. Sending you big big hugs!
  7. :welcomeani: Sorry, I can't remember if I said that to you already - short term memory problems. If so, it is worth repeating, IMHO. That really sucks when people say things like that! What ignorant @holes! :taz: Hell no you don't have to smile, even though I do hope that you will catch yourself doing so soon. Thank you. It's just frustrating. It's bad enough feeling like this but having people constantly pointing it out to me makes it 100x worse. The truth is that when someone is just nice to me and treats me like a normal person, I do smile. It may not be a genuine deep-felt smile but it's better than nothing. But when I come across one of those "come on, smile, it can't be that bad!" kind of people, I just want to crawl into a hole and hide until they go away. I think I might start handing out informational pamphlets about depression. That way people can educate themselves before they go around mocking people who suffer from this.
  8. I'm so tired of people pointing out how miserable I look and telling me to smile, or thinking that they're funny by calling me "Smiley." Isn't it enough that I got out of bed, showered, and showed up for a 10-hour day of work? Now I have to smile too???
  9. :welcomeani: Family is hard enough without mental and/or physical illness, but with it/them, it can feel impossible! :taz: I certainly understand and have dealt with it myself. I wish that I had some good advice, but I don't. Just know that folks here really do care, that this is a safe place to share and that you have many unmet friends here. Welcome to the DF family; it's great! BTW, I love your user name! Thank you! I'm really glad I found this forum. Everyone seems so nice and supportive. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.
  10. Ugh... YES!!! I get furiously, viscously angry over the stupidest things and wind up taking it out on people who don't deserve it. When I'm in the moment my anger seems justified but after the anger subsides and I go back to feeling nothing but numbness, I see how awful I was and feel really guilty. I feel like an awful human being and have no idea why the people in my life haven't told me to go f*** myself already.
  11. Wow! I'd give you a free pass to get out of dinner and coloring tonight.Upset stomach, migraine, whatever excuse you need!...don't feel bad about skipping it. You're taking care of yourself and that's most important! Thank you. I think I'm gonna have to take advantage of that free pass!!
  12. I'm feeling very anxious today over something that should be easy and fun. After work, I have to go to my mother's house to have dinner and color Easter eggs with my mom and sister (even though my sister and I are 32 and 34 and there are no kids in my family, my mom still likes to do silly stuff like this. I just go along with it to make her happy.) The problem is that my sister and I do not get along AT ALL. Any time we are in the same room together, we end up fighting. A week ago, I stormed out of a family dinner in tears because she decided to get on my case about how lazy I am and how I don't do as much as she does as far as the upkeep of our property goes. (We own a 2-family house together. BIG MISTAKE!) She's mad that I don't shovel enough snow or power wash the backyard, meanwhile, I have a hard time just taking a shower. If I can't motivate myself to wash my own body then how the heck am I supposed to power wash my yard??? She always does that to me. She's been doing it since we were kids. I honestly think she enjoys making me look bad in front of the rest of the family and making me feel even worse about myself than I already do. She points out everything that is wrong is with me, everything about me that makes me not good enough by her standards. It's so frustrating and when my depression is as bad as it is right now, I just can't handle it. So now I'm secretly trying to come up with an excuse to get out of having to go, even though I know that my mother would really like to have us both there. It's bad enough that I'll have to see my sister on Easter, but twice in one weekend? I don't know if I can do that. I apologize for rambling. Just needed to get that off my chest. ?
  13. Sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office. I know I NEED to be here but I really wish I was in my bed right now. I wish I never had to leave my bed. It's the only place I don't hate.
  14. Thanks to everyone for replying and for the good advice. {{hugs}}
  15. Thank you both for responding. I went to my GP for help a couple of months ago. He put me on an antidepressant, which didn't help, and now he just switched me to a different one last week. He also suggested I speak to a therapist. I haven't made an appointment yet. I know it will help but talking to a stranger makes me nervous. Chrisel, my boyfriend knows I'm ill, although I don't think he completely understands it. We've only been together a few months and he's never seen me like this before. I haven't told my family about it. I tried discussing it with them once a long time ago, but the responses I got were the usual, "snap out of it," or, "you can't be like that." So now I don't talk to them about what I'm going through anymore. I just try to pretend that everything is fine. Epictetus, I'm going to try to take your advice and be proud of myself for the little things. I did get out of bed this morning. I fed the dog. I loaded up my dishwasher and turned it on and then I cleaned my kitchen sink. It might not be much but it's something. And for me those things are BIG!
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