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personalpenguin1298

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About personalpenguin1298

  • Birthday 03/12/1998

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  1. Hi Redpanda! Spending time in the hospital and then returning to the "real world", especially under the influence of brand new drugs, seems like a really disorienting experience. Congrats on being alive, and on seeking treatment and communication. Whoever said you were weak for being on meds needs to get their act together...I'm sorry people have been unsupportive. I just joined too, and everyone is really kind and understanding, so I think you can safely look forward to that. Just out of curiosity...are you in high school? I'd love to discuss the high school-depression combo with somebody (I'm a junior). I'm curious about how other people deal.
  2. Hello! I often find that talking to people online is easier than socializing in person when I'm depressed. There's a lot less pressure, and you don't have to worry about facial expressions (maybe that's just me, but I hate feeling like I have to conciously remember to smile and laugh and frown and all those other things you're expected to do in a face to face conversation. I'm really sorry you're at such a low point. I hope that socializing here helps you out, and that things look up for you soon. Welcome!
  3. I made a pan of Mediteranean-style mac and cheese big enough to feed the Russian Army. I listened to music while cooking, and sort of half heartedly sang along. I totally screwed up the breadcrumbs (they're more like chunks of toast), but it came out really good anyway.
  4. Yes!! Massachusets got it rough with snow this year. My friend had two snowdrifts taller than thier car in his driveway, he named them isengard and Barad-Dur. I can't really complain, seeing as nyc just got the leftovers. Today was in the 50s, and despite feeling horrible, I went out with my dog and let her run-around off leash in the park. I got to watch her run full-force, which I haven't seen in a long time (she's a little on the older side). She looked like an oversized rabbit, it was fantastic. Anyway, my point was that Spring weather is great. I hope it hits your area soon, if it hasn't already.
  5. Hi Dylan! I actually copied that list of things almost directly from something I wrote months ago, with the intention of using it if I ever forget what I enjoy. So, I guess that payed off. How're you doing with wellbutrin? Are you taking it with another drug, or alone? I think it's gradually becoming more effective, although I made the mistake twice of taking it too late in the day, and staying up until 4 am reading about marine mammals and just sort of jumping around. Definitely gonna stop doing that. I can toast to the high school thing. I have some really great friends, but it's very easy for me to drift away during depression episodes. My school is also really small, and everybody's really close, and I feel as if it makes my own isolation more conspicuous/embarrasing (although I realize that most people probably couldn't care less, which paradoxically also upsets me. Anyway, thanks for the reply! I'm definitely getting into this forum. The old-school emojis don't hurt...
  6. Hi! I'm new too, and still feeling super awkward, so I know how you feel :). Guilt is such a horrible feeling, and it sounds like you've got a lot of it. I don't think telling people you're on break from college makes you a bad person. Being straightforward about depression is really hard, and it sounds like you're already doing well in that field by telling your friends and family, and posting here. You really don't owe anybody an explanation. I do think being honest about what you're going through could be cathartic, but its also something you have the right to keep personal. It doesn't matter whether you have it better or worse than other people. Depression is a very legitimate mental illness. To use the common analogy, if you had the flue and you were stuck in bed, you wouldn't feel guilty about being sick, because other people may have worse sicknesses. Pain is pain, it can't really be ranked. Also, it sounds like you're really conscientious towards others, and that's especially hard when you aren't well, so you should try and cut yourself some slack. Doing things that distract you from your thoughts are great. What kind of things do you do that help? I like watching funny shows like the office, or reading (for some reason, I really prefer factual, scientific books when I'm depressed. I think it's because I don't have to worry about connecting to the emotions of characters). If you're not already seeing a doctor, you should. They could help you figure out the best way to go about feeling better. Good luck!
  7. I feel like the tin man when he runs out of oil. After completing the most minimal task, I wind down entirely. I feel ashamed for staying home from school AGAIN. I feel flighty and foggy and stupid and boring and bored.
  8. Hey Dylan! I don't know if this will seem simplistic and stupid compared to the magnitude of your feelings (or lack thereof) but something that sometimes works for me in terms of motivation and getting schoolwork done is making to-do lists, where you punctuate each individual task with something "fun". Even if it doesn't really get through to you, do something that you've enjoyed in the past, or that looks enjoyable on paper. Try doing that thing for 20 minutes or so, then another chunk of schoolwork. Of course, getting schoolwork done is secondary to your health, and if it's making things worse, you shouldn't get wrapped up in it. But in general, I find that routine helps a lot. The routines I try to take up when I'm really depressed are agonizingly boring, but so I'd depression. If anything, it gives me a shred of normalcy to hang on to. I wish you the best of luck with the Wellbutrin. I think it can do a lot to increase energy, and motivation and enjoyment can (hopefully) follow in its wake. Also, you should definitely tell your psychiatrist about the manic episode if you haven't already. Even if you don't get anything emotionally out of the sessions, it's important for the person prescribing you medication to know that kind of information. And again, good luck with everything! On the bright side, your experience with mental illness will probably make you a very empathetic social worker.
  9. 1. To find a "cure" for depression, and not just shaky forms of treatment 2. To successfully meditate (everyone makes it out to be so beneficial, but I still don't really get it). 3. To go to college and major in environmental science 4. To find a career as some form of conservationist, that allows me to do a lot of fieldwork. 5. For my dog to stop worrying every night that the ceiling is going to fall in on her. better yet, for the upstairs neighbors to just stay in and drink some herbal tea or something every now and then. 6. For my grandma's treatment to get rid of her muscle pain so she can go folk dancing again. 7. To publish an anthology of poems or essays. 8. To be able to read a book in seconds and retain the entire thing. 9. To develop telekenises, and write without touching the pencil. 10. To always feel creative/motivated.
  10. Hey Andy. Just want to add to the chorus of feeling bored and empty...I can't decide whether its worse than being overly emotional and anxious (I tend to oscillate between the two). I also know what you mean about wanting to throw your hands up in the air and just play video games all day (well I'm actually pretty horrible at video games, but it's a similar sentiment). I don't know if you've read "Depression part 1 and 2" by Allie Brosh, but if not, I strongly recommend it. She chronicles her depression through cartoons, and the combination of humor and, well, depression is surprisingly effective. At one point, she talks about experiencing a brief thrill of being able to do whatever she wants (cause her emotions are so stifled). She goes out, buys a ton of candy and rents a movie, and revels in it for a little while, until it goes back to oppressive boredom. I thought it was fantastically relatable. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much stress with work and college, but I also commend you for continuing to do it. It's SO hard to get out of bed when you're depressed, let alone study for an intensive course. I hope your phsychiatrist appointment goes well. Getting professional help, even if it doesn't cause an abrupt change right away, can be sort of invigorating. It's great that your mom is supportive. Mine has also dealt with similar issues, and she's incredibly helpful and supportive. It's a pretty wonderful thing. I would make an effort not to worry about being a burden to her (although again, I do it all the time). Especially considering she's been through depression too. It sucks when mental illness runs in the family, but it's great when it's not destructive and leads to a strong support system. I'd rather just not be depressed, but having an understanding family is sort of the next best thing.
  11. This is just another introduction post. I discovered this forum for a while, and I've been amazed at how supportive it seems, so now I'm finally working up the nerve to actually make an account. I'm reaaaally not sure how to do this. I think I'll just make a list. -I'm a junior in highschool. -I was diagnosed with depression in 8th grade. -Since I started taking prozac, I have stretches of normalcy punctuated by really bad depressive episodes. -I just started taking welbutrin in addition to prozac, and I think I feel a little more energized, although I'm shaking like a leaf. -I stayed home from school today, which was probably a mistake. I just had one of those mornings when it takes 2 hours to get out of bed. I need to take a shower and get out of this stupid t-shirt. -I'm sitting here right now, racking my brains for things that I enjoy doing. I'm having a lot of trouble enjoying things right now, so it feels sort of superficial. When my depression lifts, I enjoy reading, writing, rollerblading, ecology, those thrift stores that are always having a tag sale, kosher-style herring, dogs, little bookstores with friendly workers and bells on the doors, insects, and food with unrealistic colors (like pistachio ice cream). -I dislike tickling, football, the color beige, grape flavored candy, circuses that keep wild animals, cilantro, fake pockets on girls jeans, and that feeling of a pill being stuck in your throat for hours, even though you know it isn't. So, that's my introduction. I look forward to talking to people here!
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