Tilted

Spoiled milk dead fish rotten egg toothpaste barf can dog food booger stinky socks stink bug and dirty dishwasher.
These evidently were the flavors I ate last night, late, After finishing a legal brief.
the first couple that I ate were regular sweet flavors so I thought ah, these are the good ones.  Nope.
I woke up this morning still feeling queasy and had to eat an apple to stabilize my nausea stomach.
It's not helpful that Laurel just told me that technically I ate some of the real thing because they make these by sucking the air out of these real things and putting it into the jelly bean flavor.
Emmmm.
 

Some more old/new music for you...reminds me a bit of Heilung. Not sure if it is featured in The Witcher as well, but this song can be found on the Gwent soundtrack. If I wasn't so depressed and anhedonic I might actually enjoy it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJlqg-14K-E&feature=youtu.be

I'm wasting life by being here. Wish I could give it to someone who is more deserving.

I'm ready to hike into the forest and leave it all behind. So long, it's been good to know you.

I'm the chronic failure that allows others to succeed.

I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet.
I hate myself more than ever.

My life as a stage act and failure.
I hate myself and everything else too.

Thanks to all.
I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
thx.

Anger and frustration. So much of both.
I wrote elsewhere on df, I squander all my energy. And there is so much energy. 
I wish the energy I possess would be enough to k I’ll me. 
I wish I could just fcking k I’ll myself.
 

I want to stab myself in the heart with a kitchen knife.

But my good times are all gone, and I'm bound for moving on.

My mind isn't lying. Everything else is. 
That or the truth is too harsh to bare.

Hey apf - this made me think of you:
https://www.dresslily.com/autumn-and-winter-models-solid-product7098066.html?lkid=1982201&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI-7Cbk8783gIVhMTACh3zsAmWEAEYASAAEgLNQPD_BwE

Today is one of those days when I want to k ill myself more than I usually do. I think of doing it nearly every day.
God I hate myself for my shortcomings.
I hate myself for the constant failure in being me, whoever that is.
I hate myself for never being enough. And I haven't, whatever you try to say. My life is proof for all the failures and shortcomings that are this "me". 
I hate myself because I will never see the light. Is there lighf? No, there isn't. 
I hate myself because I am me.
I wish I were never born. 
 

Hey buddy - good chatting with you today...
Hope things go as smoothly as possible for you tomorrow...I'll be on around 3pm my time if you are on.

What doesn't ki  ll me just makes me weaker and more hopeless. There is nothing to fight for and nowhere to go. Pain misery and death is all there is.

I hate myself and the sheer failure I am in coping with life.
If I met my younger self and had to tell him something about life I’d probably end up on my knees crying, telling him life is hardship, disappointment and death.
“There’s no fcuking treasure at the end of the rainbow, laddie”.
I am a hopeless loser. I wish I was ****ing dead.

Hi Surv - former member freckledface - just wanted to say Hi. Sending you hugs. 

I'm struggling to hang in here at work.  I've been mostly in avoidance mode for over a month, and wasn't doing great before then.  I know I need a change either internally (which I don't know how to accomplish, let alone quickly) and/or in my job.  This has been the case since 2008 now.  I waffle back and forth between thinking I can do it and it'll be worth while for my family and me, vs. just ending everything, though I doubt I have what it takes to go through with this.

Tired & Anxious
That's how I'm feeling.  I'm struggling to stay focused on work.  I hate this.  It feels like such BS.