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Everything posted by Realreason

  1. why is it that I can never cry for itself - it takes music to make me let it out. probably too much time spent learning how to not cry or how to cry without making a sound - so no-one would hear. Music reminds me that I'm human or of an indescribable pain or ache. It reminds me tonight of how lonely it is not to have someone, I just want someone to give me a hug. I'm also in pain to think of my younger self in more pain than I am in now and the fact that she had no-one and that I can't help her. Crying reminds me of how I am so used to living sedated and placated and telling myself that its fine, really denying any strong feeling, because the minute I start feeling that, I will be lost. Thinking is a dangerous path cos it always leads to problem no. 1 that I don't really want to be here and that I can't really conceive of a future.
  2. come back on df for the first proper time in about a year and just want to say that this forum helped me to get through so much and I'm doing so much better then I'd ever have thought and I'm so grateful and glad that this place exists!
  3. It's been a while since I've been on here but I don't really know who to ask about this. I've been on Mirtazapine since April at first 15mg then 30mg. Its been really good until maybe a month ago. I started to not really recognise myself in the mirror, I kinda brushed it aside and thought maybe I just needed a haircut or something. I've been ignoring it until about a week ago when I realised why I don't recognise myself - its because there's not two internal narrators in my head anymore only one and she doesn't really speak. I've also become less frustrated, eager, desperate needs to go out and do something. What I have basically done is tamed myself or so it seems - and this 'whole' placated self I don't recognise and is not me. I understand that what I'm saying may sound like the mirtazapine is helping me to become more stable, but I'm having doubts. Has anyone else experienced anything similar or got any advice?
  4. depressed with having no time for myself, of being tired all day, of hating every part of my body looking back at me every day.
  5. things were going alright until they weren't. my best friend got together with the person I liked. They were much better suited. I was just so sick of being lonely. It made me even more lonely. But now I just can't stop thinking about how much I hate myself, and how this self-hatred, my self-sabotage is what makes me unhappy. it makes me feel sick, spending all my time alone with myself. I don't want to be around people because I hate myself. its the end of the (school) year I should be relieved not depressed.
  6. insomnia is now unacceptable, it is making me feel constantly sick and nauseous. I am unhappy. I want to cry. My body feels so disconnected from reality I feel like I am slipping. I had this horrible vision of an evil version of me coming into my room and climbing into my body, I can't get it out of my head.
  7. stressed and constantly tired - my insomnia is reaching new levels of fun - which makes me a walking zombie. I know I am cuttting myself off from my friends, but the thought of interaction makes me exhausted. looking for some relief
  8. woke up feeling dead the only thought I have is I want to **** myself repeated over and over
  9. what am I meant to do when all I can think of is smashing my face in?
  10. I'm shaking. is it exhaustion, drugs, anxiety, stress. maybe it is my body and mind's inability to deal with any of it.
  11. I feel like death. like I am death and that I want death and yet am so afraid of what this means. It seems like I can never do anything right. Where will I be happy I might never know
  12. I feel so hurt and lost. I want to give up and go back home because it would be easier then staying here where all I do is constantly worry and doubt myself.
  13. I'm sick of myself. especially all the decisions I make that are affected by depression or having gone through it. When I think of all the things that could be different - well I guess there is no point in that. I just feel powerless to change.
  14. suddenly realised how much I reject love or affection especially from family. I want to feel easy and natural around the people that care about me but I'm not and so I keep everyone at arms length. Why do I do this when god knows all I want is someone to give me a hug. something about maternal love scares me sometimes. I think this sucks more than my flu.
  15. feel like I am on the boundary of a panic attack, been so paranoid/selfconcious I think about it all the time I can hardly sleep. It hurts me in my chest and I'm barely keeping it together. Don't know if going to see someone will make it better, what can they really do but tell me things I already know?
  16. Seems that my summer insomnia has started (yay..)
  17. Right now I seem incapable of happiness it's either anxiety and depression or neutral nothingness. This lack of emotion turns my achievements into vague events randomly, perhaps even sadistically attached to my life.
  18. I feel like such a failure now term is over - I have nothing to show for all the work I've put in for the last 4/5 years - the future is a joke
  19. I think my parents aren't happy because I would be moving halfway across the world from them. I'm not sure what I'm going to study probably English I didn't really want to pick and then not get in. I hope things work out for you!!
  20. I shouldn't be here on a day like today I should be infectiously happy. Today I found out that I got into my top uni choice - something I didn't dream would really happen. But still there remains the wait to see if they will give me financial aid, American unis are so expensive I couldn't even think of going without it. My parents were barely even happy for me, they don't want me to go, it makes me feel horrible. This is probably the best opportunity I've ever been given and would make me truly happy, really really happy - and then I turn around and they are just staring blank unmoved by this momentous opportunity. It makes it so bitter and that is before I probably can't go anyway because of finance.
  21. I feel such a need to get this off my chest even though I don't know if saying it will help. I live with with my 21 yr old brother, 18 yr cousin and my parents. In September we (my brother, cousin and I) will move out. My mum has gotten increasing angry in the last couple months, she hates the house being 'so full' and now my parents have been having screaming matches for the past week, and this is not to say my mum was even happy in the weeks preceding. The house is so tense and I hate living in this negative atmosphere. When I mentioned that it was impacting the rest of us I only got shouted at. I've never had a close relationship with my mum, or any of my family as a matter of fact, and thinking on it now, this lack of a close maternal figure has had a big impact. I don't like giving her any affection especially if she wants it or if she is upset, it seems repellent to me - I hate 'having' to be caring towards my family when I don't feel like it which makes me come across like a stone cold Biotch. Maybe I am, I just don't feel a deep connection with any of them. There were things I used to say to my mum, truthful thoughts and maybe they weren't that nice but I always got such a bad response it made me never want to confide in her, what is more it made me feel like I was fundamentally bad or wrong - that my personality, who I was was a horrible person. But right now I just don't know what to do, I want this negativity to be over - I think my mum could be depressed and should definitely see a therapist - but I don't know how to suggest this - I don't even know how to talk to her right now. The subject seems very delicate and its not like my family even know I have been depressed/saw a therapist/am taking anti-depressants anyway. I just wish I could move out sooner
  22. everything around me seems to compound my wish to die, it is only a small reserve and a matter of means that makes it unfeasible. I wish I could tell someone, but I don't want to have to say it again
  23. I feel like I'm being suffocated and there is no safe place to turn to in my head - like a low key very prolonged panic attack
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