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About Realreason

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  • Birthday October 12

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  1. Realreason

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    come back on df for the first proper time in about a year and just want to say that this forum helped me to get through so much and I'm doing so much better then I'd ever have thought and I'm so grateful and glad that this place exists!
  2. It's been a while since I've been on here but I don't really know who to ask about this. I've been on Mirtazapine since April at first 15mg then 30mg. Its been really good until maybe a month ago. I started to not really recognise myself in the mirror, I kinda brushed it aside and thought maybe I just needed a haircut or something. I've been ignoring it until about a week ago when I realised why I don't recognise myself - its because there's not two internal narrators in my head anymore only one and she doesn't really speak. I've also become less frustrated, eager, desperate needs to go out and do something. What I have basically done is tamed myself or so it seems - and this 'whole' placated self I don't recognise and is not me. I understand that what I'm saying may sound like the mirtazapine is helping me to become more stable, but I'm having doubts. Has anyone else experienced anything similar or got any advice?
  3. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    depressed with having no time for myself, of being tired all day, of hating every part of my body looking back at me every day.
  4. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    things were going alright until they weren't. my best friend got together with the person I liked. They were much better suited. I was just so sick of being lonely. It made me even more lonely. But now I just can't stop thinking about how much I hate myself, and how this self-hatred, my self-sabotage is what makes me unhappy. it makes me feel sick, spending all my time alone with myself. I don't want to be around people because I hate myself. its the end of the (school) year I should be relieved not depressed.
  5. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    insomnia is now unacceptable, it is making me feel constantly sick and nauseous. I am unhappy. I want to cry. My body feels so disconnected from reality I feel like I am slipping. I had this horrible vision of an evil version of me coming into my room and climbing into my body, I can't get it out of my head.
  6. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    stressed and constantly tired - my insomnia is reaching new levels of fun - which makes me a walking zombie. I know I am cuttting myself off from my friends, but the thought of interaction makes me exhausted. looking for some relief
  7. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    today I miss my friend
  8. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    woke up feeling dead the only thought I have is I want to **** myself repeated over and over
  9. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    what am I meant to do when all I can think of is smashing my face in?
  10. Realreason

    What Are You Listening To Right Now?

    lazy jane - jenny O. (on repeat)
  11. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I'm shaking. is it exhaustion, drugs, anxiety, stress. maybe it is my body and mind's inability to deal with any of it.
  12. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I feel like death. like I am death and that I want death and yet am so afraid of what this means. It seems like I can never do anything right. Where will I be happy I might never know
  13. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I feel so hurt and lost. I want to give up and go back home because it would be easier then staying here where all I do is constantly worry and doubt myself.
  14. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I'm sick of myself. especially all the decisions I make that are affected by depression or having gone through it. When I think of all the things that could be different - well I guess there is no point in that. I just feel powerless to change.
  15. Realreason

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    suddenly realised how much I reject love or affection especially from family. I want to feel easy and natural around the people that care about me but I'm not and so I keep everyone at arms length. Why do I do this when god knows all I want is someone to give me a hug. something about maternal love scares me sometimes. I think this sucks more than my flu.