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Realreason

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About Realreason

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  • Birthday October 12

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    Female

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  1. why is it that I can never cry for itself - it takes music to make me let it out. probably too much time spent learning how to not cry or how to cry without making a sound - so no-one would hear. Music reminds me that I'm human or of an indescribable pain or ache. It reminds me tonight of how lonely it is not to have someone, I just want someone to give me a hug. I'm also in pain to think of my younger self in more pain than I am in now and the fact that she had no-one and that I can't help her. Crying reminds me of how I am so used to living sedated and placated and telling myself that its fine, really denying any strong feeling, because the minute I start feeling that, I will be lost. Thinking is a dangerous path cos it always leads to problem no. 1 that I don't really want to be here and that I can't really conceive of a future.
  2. come back on df for the first proper time in about a year and just want to say that this forum helped me to get through so much and I'm doing so much better then I'd ever have thought and I'm so grateful and glad that this place exists!
  3. It's been a while since I've been on here but I don't really know who to ask about this. I've been on Mirtazapine since April at first 15mg then 30mg. Its been really good until maybe a month ago. I started to not really recognise myself in the mirror, I kinda brushed it aside and thought maybe I just needed a haircut or something. I've been ignoring it until about a week ago when I realised why I don't recognise myself - its because there's not two internal narrators in my head anymore only one and she doesn't really speak. I've also become less frustrated, eager, desperate needs to go out and do something. What I have basically done is tamed myself or so it seems - and this 'whole' placated self I don't recognise and is not me. I understand that what I'm saying may sound like the mirtazapine is helping me to become more stable, but I'm having doubts. Has anyone else experienced anything similar or got any advice?
  4. depressed with having no time for myself, of being tired all day, of hating every part of my body looking back at me every day.
  5. things were going alright until they weren't. my best friend got together with the person I liked. They were much better suited. I was just so sick of being lonely. It made me even more lonely. But now I just can't stop thinking about how much I hate myself, and how this self-hatred, my self-sabotage is what makes me unhappy. it makes me feel sick, spending all my time alone with myself. I don't want to be around people because I hate myself. its the end of the (school) year I should be relieved not depressed.
  6. insomnia is now unacceptable, it is making me feel constantly sick and nauseous. I am unhappy. I want to cry. My body feels so disconnected from reality I feel like I am slipping. I had this horrible vision of an evil version of me coming into my room and climbing into my body, I can't get it out of my head.
  7. stressed and constantly tired - my insomnia is reaching new levels of fun - which makes me a walking zombie. I know I am cuttting myself off from my friends, but the thought of interaction makes me exhausted. looking for some relief
  8. woke up feeling dead the only thought I have is I want to **** myself repeated over and over
  9. what am I meant to do when all I can think of is smashing my face in?
  10. I'm shaking. is it exhaustion, drugs, anxiety, stress. maybe it is my body and mind's inability to deal with any of it.
  11. I feel like death. like I am death and that I want death and yet am so afraid of what this means. It seems like I can never do anything right. Where will I be happy I might never know
  12. I feel so hurt and lost. I want to give up and go back home because it would be easier then staying here where all I do is constantly worry and doubt myself.
  13. I'm sick of myself. especially all the decisions I make that are affected by depression or having gone through it. When I think of all the things that could be different - well I guess there is no point in that. I just feel powerless to change.
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