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About AnxiousGirl123

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  1. I also have a lot of obsessive-compulsive traits, particularly that have become more evident in the last 7 years. I used to repeatedly check things even when a part of me knew they didn’t need to be checked. I’ve had weird little rituals (making sure my bedspread was hanging evenly off both sides of the bed when I would lay down, checking my alarm repeatedly to make sure I set it for AM instead of PM, checking that the stove is off repeatedly, and many others lol) I wonder if some of that could be in play here, in terms of having intrusive, uncontrollable thoughts about doubting my symptoms and then obsessively googling to find reassurance. Even as I type this I wonder if I’m just faking that as well!
  2. Thank you all. It’s such a vicious cycle and I can’t seem to turn it off. I find that when I try and talk about what I’m feeling, it’s like I downplay it and it almost seems surreal so then I don’t think it’s real. Idk. I got GeneSight testing done to help my doctor figure out what to try me on next because nothing up to this point has been super effective. That alone makes me wonder if I’m faking it—“none of the meds have worked so maybe I’m really not depressed”. Grrrr
  3. Does anyone else ever feel/think that maybe you’re just intentionally faking your symptoms for attention? And that maybe deep down you’re not really depressed? I’ve been struggling with this in my current episode. Never struggled with that thought before. Maybe because this time around I’m actually talking about it with a couple of other people other than a therapist—which leads me to wonder if I’m just faking it so that those people will pay attention to me. At times I realize that this thought, in and of itself, is an obvious manifestation of my existing depression because it’s a self-defeating thought. But it makes me so anxious sometimes. To think that I’m intentionally faking the symptoms —it makes me feel like a horrible and flawed person. I went to my doctor yesterday and she asked me how things were going since the med change, and for once I didn’t minimize my symptoms—I was up front with her and told her that nothing has gotten better (which, I have a tendency to kind of minimize my symptoms with doctors and therapists, but this time I didn’t). That alone made me question whether or not I’m just faking all this for attention, the fact that I was more transparent with my doctor than I have been in the past. “What if I’m telling her things are not good, so that she will pay attention to me? There’s no way I can really feel this bad, so I must be faking”. It’s a vicious cycle that has been floating around in my head almost constantly. I also often question whether any of this is real—not sure if I’m dissociating or what. But I’ve never felt this specific way during prior episodes. It’s torture. Thank you for listening.
  4. Becoming easily overwhelmed by the littlest of things.
  5. I'm definitely going through a depressed and anxious rut right now, and I can't quite pinpoint what the trigger was. I'm not sure if it's the nature of my extremely emotionally draining job. Anyway--I work full time as as a clinical social worker. And life in general has just become such a struggle for me lately. Getting up in the mornings during the week is absolute HELL. And when I'm at work, sometimes I catch myself just sitting there in a blank daze. It's like, I know I have things I need to be doing but I can't muster up the energy or motivation to do it. I eventually get everything done, so productivity hasn't become an issue. I also find myself feeling like I'm not good at my job anymore, that others do it better, and that nobody likes me and people think I'm weird. I find myself keeping my office door closed a lot (my workplace is one where people generally keep their doors open). And I just get so anxious being around some of my co-workers, which leads to irritability. I find myself trying to take the less crowded stairwell to get downstairs so that my chances of running into fellow co-workers are less. I've just overall been isolating a lot more. When I come home, I'm SO exhausted and I have no energy to do anything. Even the most menial of tasks make me overwhelmed and make me want to cry (like putting away the dishes, for example). All I want to do is go back to the bedroom, lay down, put on the TV, and forget about the world. I hate when we have plans on the weekends, especially if they involve plans with other friends. I get so overwhelmed at the smallest things. My husband is generally understanding but he doesn't get the overwhelmed part. I know it sounds silly to be overwhelmed about going to the grocery store, but it's how I feel!! If it doesn't involve laying in bed and sleeping, I'm overwhelmed by it. On top of that, I've found that I just don't care anymore about what I eat. I try to eat well overall but I have more slip ups than before. I could definitely afford to lose a solid 10 pounds, but I just don't care right now. And then when I end up eating junk I feel guilty and the cycle continues. These are just a few of the issues I'm struggling with right now. I know there are more, but it's too much to write here. This stinks!
  6. Well it's comforting to know that memory problems are common. I also have these disturbing intrusive thoughts. Like of my husband dying in an accident, people I love getting diagnosed with horrible diseases, and even of myself dying.
  7. Thanks everyone. Afflicted--yes, I always want to please everyone. Let me just ask--has anyone else experienced memory problems while going through an anxious/depressed episode? I forget things more than I used to--sometimes I'll walk into a room and forget what I walked in there for. It's very frustrating. I also experience muscle twitching. The anxious side of me says that this is symptomatic of some serious disease, like ALS or MS. My primary care doctor says he sees no reason at this point to investigate further. I just can't help but wonder sometimes!
  8. Been struggling lately. Stressed and anxious due to changing jobs. I've been at my new job for 2 weeks. I was miserable at my old job for far too long and thought for sure that switching to a job I enjoy would provide relief. I have yet to feel that. Not sure why I feel depressed, though, because this is a positive transition and I'm no longer at a job that I hate. Been worrying excessively about what others think of me/my skills. I am hesitant to ask questions or offer opinions for fear of looking stupid. Tend to replay conversations over and over in my head after they occur--thinking of what I could have said differently and what that person I was talking with thinks of what I said. Worried that I won't live up to my predecessor's name at work. From the moment I wake up I look forward to going to bed that evening. Not interested in doing much on the weekends. I've been moody and irritable with my husband at times. My memory is absolutely a mess. Usually it is very sharp--but I have felt very foggy the last few months and have had trouble concentrating. i keep fearing that something is seriously wrong--like a brain tumor or something. Doctor assures me that memory issues and anxiety/stress/depression go hand in hand. I guess I'll take his word for it. I've had periods of increased anxiety and depression before. That doesn't make it any easier each time though.
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