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About SqueezeWax

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  • Birthday 04/22/1989

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  1. I listen to certain music because I remember listening to it at a time when I was happier. I wear certain clothes or watch particular movies and tv shows or read books or buy things because I remember doing the same in a happier time. I have an aversion to anything that is 'current'. I prefer to watch or look or listen to or read things that are dated in some way. I have a compulsion to relive the past in any little way I can.
  2. Ladies & Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains (1982), starring 15 year old Diane Lane as a newly orphaned, tough as nails, fiercely feminist singer in a punk band who may or may not have 'sold out'. I've watched it twice within two weeks. It's one of those films I think about for weeks after watching it because it leaves a lot up to interpretation. Some critics view that as a weakness, but I think it gives the film depth.
  3. Movies like that or Salo or Mulholland Drive are now far scarier to me than horror films. Another film I loathe is Rob Zombie's House Of A Thousand Corpses. It's supposed to be outrageous and wacky and off the wall but winds up being boring because it isn't about anything. The same can be said of his Halloween remake, which although over the top and bombastic and extremely violent is somehow incredibly boring. The characters are also the most excruciatingly annoying I've ever seen in a horror film.
  4. I don't hate it, but I thought Jaws was entirely boring. Pretty In Pink is a movie I like, but there are some things I hate about it. I mostly hate how its the most glamorous depiction of unpopularity in history. The main character is supposed to be an unwanted outsider, but is pretty, intelligent, talented, has a wardrobe full of cool cloths, a cool vintage car, a job in a cool record store, a bright future ahead of her. I wish I was half as pathetic as she is.
  5. The Marketts rendition of We'll Sing In The Sunshine. I bought one of their albums on an impulse yesterday. I didn't know who they were. They're essentially a second rate, very sluggish Ventures. It's putting me to sleep.
  6. I was watching the History channel last night, and this young historian talking about the Civil War was in such a state of excitement I thought he was going to fall out of his chair. I envy people like him that have such strong intellectual curiosity. Anything I know about any war I learned simply to pass whatever history test I had that week in high school.
  7. I've been drinking Dunkin' Donuts iced lattes the past three days, despite the fact that they leave me with a mildly depressive caffeine crash.
  8. I don't hear people saying 'random' much these days, the way they did in the mid-late 2000s. It seems to have been completely superseded by 'literally'. I remember when 'sweet!' and 'dude!' were the most overused words circa 1999-2004. Presumably because of South Park. It made me cringe even as a 10 year old.
  9. The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern. These are supposed to be 'cozy' mysteries, which I imagined would be the type of mysteries that could be adapted into Hallmark movies. But strangely every book in this series has a blood spattered weapon on the cover. And as far as I can tell they mostly concern beatnik or cosmopolitan types, not little old ladies in quaint villages.
  10. I've been watching Season 9 of Roseanne again (the Lottery season). I hated it as much as everyone else at first, but it's grown to have a so bad it's good appeal. It's so unfunny it becomes funny, and there is plenty of bad drama, too. I also noticed in the last two seasons of the original run how everyone is portrayed as being a bit stupid. In seasons 6 and 7, every male character was dumb or wimpy or both, presumably because Roseanne had a real axe to grind with men after her divorce from Tom Arnold. In seasons 8 and 9 everyone is kind of dopey. A lot of jokes were also being made at the Connor's expense. The audience was supposed to laugh at how obliviously 'white trash' they were instead of the characters laughing at themselves.
  11. I told my father about this tonight and he started weeping in the middle of the pizza place we were at. There's nothing that can be done about the psychologist. He's not available to me any longer. Or at least only to a very limited extent. The therapist is humoring me at this point, being my professional paid friend. He knows the score. The art therapy wasn't something I enjoyed or benefitted much from. I frankly only did it because I thought it would please the psychologist. It was his idea. He sees any choice on my part to even lessen the amount of therapy I receive as an almost suicidal act. I thought he would see this as some glimmer of progress on my part. That I felt I was ready to deal with my feelings without a battery of therapists and doctors assisting me for years and years and years on end. I completely ****ed up.
  12. I appreciate any kind of response, but I'd rather not have members leave a 'sad face' on my comments. I makes me paranoid that I'm sounding melodramatic or something.
  13. I saw the art therapist today, and told her what's going on with the other two, and we agreed to end things between us too after six more sessions. I can barely remember what it's like not to have a therapist, or two or three, to talk to on a regular basis. I feel lonely for the first time since I was in junior high 15 years ago. I had been content with being alone since then. I feel sad I won't have them in my life anymore, even knowing them just as men at work. I long to be normal and functional, or even exceptional in the case of my psychologist, like they are. I want to remain in their orbit even if I'm just another client. I think I've been too immersed in a depressed persons lifestyle and I know it's best that I finally move on. I hate that my therapist has long stopped expecting me to listen to or do anything he tells to because I know he's absolutely right to have his doubts. I would like to have a therapist to see me through the end of the year when I finally graduate, but I wouldn't blame him if he thought it would be futile.
  14. I've read many articles on this topic over the years, and I've just come across one written by a psychologist thundering about 'masochistic' experiences she's had with clients who 'drained' her--the client expecting her to fix their lives, her toiling away as they did nothing. I think my current therapist (LPC) used that same expression--I thought he would 'fix my life'--during our last session. Now I'm again debating whether I should continue with him at all. I wonder if he feels as much resentment towards me as this therapist does towards 'sadistic' clients.
  15. I too quickly learned how to get out of there. Attend every group, eat all three meals. Tell your case worker that you feel perfectly fine and have no suicidal thoughts whatsoever, and don't foresee yourself having suicidal thoughts again in the near future. Even if you're only going to read a book or stare at the wall between groups, do it among the other patients, not alone in your room. I've never spent more than three nights in a mental health ward. +Please do not let my comments dissuade you from hospitalization if you feel you are in serious danger of harming yourself+
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