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SqueezeWax

Advanced Member
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About SqueezeWax

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 04/22/1989

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Illinois
  • Interests
    Industrial music, psychedelic music, 70s and 80s pop, 1970s and 80s horror films, classic Golden Age films, historical fashion.

Recent Profile Visitors

2,010 profile views
  1. I love when on sitcoms from the 70s and 80s, a female character will say she’s planning on spending the night washing her hair. Did it take longer for women to wash their hair back then?
  2. I don’t know what to say, except that I’m surprised that someone else has had feelings this intense over their therapist. I thought I was the only one. I don’t mean to imply that your feelings and thoughts are the same as mine. I’m honestly sort of afraid to say anything else because I have no idea what I might say that could possibly be a trigger for anyone feeling this way.
  3. I stumbled onto industrial music five years ago, and frantically searched out every band I could find that fell into that genre. Admittedly the artists I like most are of the more accessible type. Anything from WaxTrax!, and NIN and Marilyn Manson. KMFDM is my favorite band, and I still listen to My Life With The TKK and Meat Beat Manifesto all the time, and Snog and Front 242. I never got much into the earlier, more experimental bands, but I like Cabaret Voltaire’s mid-late 80s material. I like what’s on Psychic Tv’s ‘Best Ov’ a lot, too. I got their Dreams Less Sweet LP for Christmas. I’ve been going through a similar phase with 60s psychedelic and mod-era rock and pop over the past year. I’ve been listening to everything from 13th Floor Elevators, The Ventures to Petula Clark. It’s sort of like how I suddenly became obsessed with Blondie when I was 15 in 2004, and sought out every single punk and new wave band I could. Music since then has become my greatest interest. Nothing brings me more excitement than finding a new artist I like, and buying records.
  4. It involved concentration in order to get a computerized metal spoon to bend. I think the ability to get the spoon to bend meant that the left side of your brain—the ‘feel good’ side—was being activated. My psychologist instructed me to use imagery or to repeat a mantra to get it to bend. Like I said, he was thrilled with how often I eventually managed to do it, but I kind of shrugged it off. I didn’t feel as if my mood was improved at all from the excercises.
  5. I’ve kept at this because I’ve never known what else to do with myself. And I figure that if I accomplish nothing else in my life, and die a parasitic ne’er-do-well, I at least have a piece of paper proving I survived a rigorous experience. Plus I feel like I owe it to my father to graduate, because he’s invested a lot of money into this. And admittedly it’s also a way to justify not being steadily employed.
  6. I spent a couple of years working toward a professional writing minor, more to avoid taking fashion design classes for a while than anything else. English and writing were always my best subjects, as long as I wasn’t required to be creative. My heart wasn’t in that either and I eventually gave it up. I feel out of it today. It might be from a combination of klonopin and staying up too late last night. I’ve got two projects due in two weeks. I’m unclear on what we are actually required to do in regards to one of them. I’d try to figure that out if my mind weren’t so clouded.
  7. My psychologist and I experimented with that for a few months when I first began with him. He’s also a neuroscientist, and does qEEG testing. Have you tried the spoon bending? I’m still not clear on how I was supposed to benefit from it. I know he was very much encouraged by how well I progressed with the spoon business.
  8. ‘I don’t try anything! I just do it!’ -Faster, *****cat! K**l! K**l!
  9. I spontaneously cut my arm open so deeply yesterday that I thought I needed stitches. I’ve never required stitches before. These are by far the worst cuts I’ve ever made on myself. I thought I would hospitalized. I managed to avoid hospitalization last year. I had no choice but to show my father. He put rubbing alchol on and bandaged it, but he didn’t think I required stitches. He’s very much worried that I’ve been misdiagnosed since medications, TMS and ECT treatments have failed to significantly improve my depression. I saw my therapist an hour later, who has been pressuring me to go into family therapy for months. I finally had to bring it up to my father. My therapist believes the environment I live in may be contributing to my depression. It’s the one topic that hasn’t been thoroughly addressed, so he figures family therapy may be the answer. I’ve been frustrated over being surrounded by kids at school who are ambitious, know what they what, and seem to so easily master everything they try. I’m in class right now. The teacher hasn’t arrived yet. I don’t feel like staying.
  10. I’m put off by sweet potatoes, quinoa, corn bread, or anything that has a sweetness to it that isn’t a fruit or a desert of some kind.
  11. I thank each and every one of you for your responses. I’m relieved. I thought knives would come out and I would be told that I’m clearly a narcissist based on the content of my postings on this forum. I am touched to know that I have been helpful in some way. I always hope that my posts will resonate with someone no matter what they’re about. I’m preoccupied with this therapist. This guy was supposed to be someone who is neutral, and was being paid to help me, and I managed to alienate him to the point that he couldn’t do his job. It makes me question what is really wrong with me. I think he confused what I thought and talked about with how I felt, though. And all he could tell me was that the things I spoke about were bad bad bad, wrong wrong wrong. I couldn’t get anywhere with him. I know I don’t need to let him matter to me, and I’m going to try to put him behind me.
  12. I fear this mostly based on my experience with a psychologist I had five years ago. I was reading about transference because of feelings I have for my current therapists, and then read on about countertransference. This is something I have begun to suspect took place with the therapist I had over a period of nine months in ‘15-‘16. A countertransference involving negative feelings. I had the distinct impression he didn’t like me very much. He always seemed wary or suspicious of me. He rarely asked questions. He did more eye rolling, scoffing, sighing and glaring than he did talking. Anything he did say was out of offense at something I’d said, or annoyance. He seemd dismissive of what I thought were my issues. I feel now like he believed I sought him out purely to tell him my tragic life story. Apparently, narcissists will go into therapy purely to elicit sympathy or to gain the attention of the therapist. In my mid-20s, I was at the time deep in a ‘goth’ phase. I exclusively dressed head to toe in black, worse NIN and Marilyn Manson shirts, and talked about a lot of gloomy and depressing subject matter. Apparently, when a therapist works with a narcisstic patient, they feel ‘used’. I wonder if that is why this guy seemed almost willfully unhelpful. He didn’t want to ‘indulge’ me. I and almost everyone I know—family and mental health professionals—would describe me as someone severely lacking in self esteem. I’m not sure a person with narcisstic personality disorder necessarily needs any self esteem at all. I’ve sort of gathered that they can hate themselves out of extreme regard for themselves. That their self-hatred is a part of self-obsession. The fact that I deify my current psychologist, regard him as almost god-like, plays into this too. Narcissists will apparently idealize anyone that they like. Am I idealizing him out of narcissism? I hope I’m making sense.
  13. I’ve looked that up. I would be interested, but I already have a CBT therapist, a psychologist, an art therapist, and I’m being pressured to see a family therapist as well. Maybe I could ask my one therapist [the CBT, who I posted about today] to incorporate that kind of therapy, if that is something a therapist who doesn’t specialize in that type would do. I finally had the courage to come out to him about the feelings I had for my psychologist last week. He didn’t even seem surprised. I only tread a tiny bit into it, though. I didn’t tell him that I also have similar, though less intense feelings for him too. I mostly spoke to him about my uncertainty about what transference is. I intend to get into it more deeply. As much as I have posted about it here, I’m not sure how to describe this to him. On top of probably sounding incoherent, it’s made all the more uncomfortable considering I’m talking about someone he knows and speaks to an almost daily basis.
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