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About SqueezeWax

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  1. Whether it was nature or nurture that turned me into a 30-year-old-living-with-their-parents type. I am completely in awe of people my age who are educated and self sufficient in any way.
  2. I feel like there's a ping pong ball bouncing around in my head. I've been wired all day from a latte I had this morning.
  3. I don't think it's a conspiracy when I'm in my right mind. I typically don't feel too distressed over it. It's normal for my to wake up from nightmares feeling panicked and paranoid about something. Most of the time I wake up convinced that all my hair or my teeth are falling out.
  4. I just cut my arm three times with the back of a pin. I haven't cut myself since in four our five months. I don't want to tell my dad. We have a bunch of people at the house for my brother's birthday. I don't want to call my therapist because he will only ask to talk to my dad. One of the cuts was bleeding, but it's mostly come to a stop. I've doused it in rubbing alcohol. I hate feeling like I'm too fundamentally weak and stupid to make enough of myself so I don't hate myself so much. I hate that I have to live in a world where I am automatically placed somewhere on a totem pole according to what I'm worth and what abilities I may or may not have. Sometimes I want to do something to make the entire world hate me. I don't know if it's worse to live as a weakling, or **** myself and leave everyone with the impression that I was a poor tortured soul which is the image I've been trying to distance myself from for a year now.
  5. I've had vivid nightmares the past two nights, which I've been prescribed Prazosin for. I woke up at least twice last night, and four times the night before. One time when I woke I began having paranoid thoughts about the corona virus being a conspiracy for reasons I won't get into here. I had a disturbing dream about someone making paintings, with another person with a facial deformity, using ground beef.
  6. I hate it when my brothers and my sister come over with their girlfriends and boyfriend. Today is my oldest brother's birthday, so they're all around today. It makes me feel all the more pathetic to still be living at home with my parents with no job whenever they're around to see the loser brother of who they're dating.
  7. I hate it when those people on Shark Tank start chuckling whenever someone gives a cutsey pitch. It makes me want to barf.
  8. I'm listening to Days Of Future Past by the Moody Blues for the first time. I'm thrown off by how much it sounds like an Esquivel or Les Baxter album from the '50s.
  9. I read that book too. I get to thinking about what I spend my time reading or watching or thinking about might say about me. I read Grace Slick's autobiography and I was amazed by she managed to become so well read and intellectual and worldly when she was constantly writing, recording, performing, being interviewed, etc. while engaging in all kinds of sex drugs and rock and roll stuff on top of that.
  10. For every minute I am reading about the Patty Duke Show, someone with half a brain is reading The Iliad or The Odyssey.
  11. I hate how its assumed that someone like me of my age group is dependent and oversensitive as a result of the 'everyone gets a prize' thing of the '90s. That wasn't a 'thing' where I went to school. Real grades were given, scores were kept in games, there was always a kid who got chosen last in gym class, there was a special program exclusively for the gifted kids. I wasn't aware at the time that it was any different anywhere else. I'm okay with being accused of being a lazy weakling for other reasons, but not because of the participation prize thing.
  12. The Rock N' Roll Hall Of Fame. I don't understand why anyone would care about being inducted. To me it's on the level of being given a Nickelodeon Kid's Choice award.
  13. Majoring in fashion design. Every time I told anyone who wasn't a fellow art school student I was a fashion design major, they would gasp and congratulate me and say what an exciting experience I must be having. 90% of what you learn is how to sew and make patterns. You could learn to do all the same things at a workshop at JoAnn Fabrics, or could teach yourself from a book. I think of myself as having a degree in sewing. I honestly didn't take full advantage of the experience, though. I never went to a school fashion show, I never volunteered for events, I never even did an internship which all has turned out to be a huge mistake because all those things matter more than getting an A in a class.
  14. Is it realistic that a man in the early 19th century would fall madly in love with a courtesan they've caught a glimpse of for only a moment, and proceed to spend millions of dollars to win her over?
  15. I've been listening to Llorandro sung by Rebekah Del Rio from the Mulholland Drive soundtrack on an endless repeat. I'm not a David Lynch buff, but Mulholland Drive is one of my top three favorite movies. Noami Watts and Laura Herring cry better than anyone in the history of film during the scene this song is performed.
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