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About steadynot

  • Birthday 08/26/1989

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    professional naps. reading books. witty banter. raising my dog children.

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  1. does it count if i suddenly decided to give my dogs a bath? and i had to wash all the bedding too because after my dog did that rubbing thing to get the extra water out of his fur, he joyously peed all over my bed. a lot of sweating was involved today. plus when i had to get the mail, the damn key would not work and that p***** me off and made me sweat like a gatorade commercial. also i am in a constant state of anxiety, anger and frustration so im always sweaty. and my heartrate's definitely up. yeah this probably doesnt count, but i needed to word vomit. i have been meaning to start walking my dogs at the park and at night around my neighborhood. plus im thinking about starting up mall walking. we'll see how it goes.
  2. The Night Before. starring Seth Rogen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Christmas movie about 3 best friends going around New York on Christmas Eve. It was pretty funny. But also made me sad because i don't really have any friends and am always lonely during the holidays.
  3. When I was younger, I definitely wanted like 4 kids- just like my mom. And a great husband/partner I could grow old with. But when the depression knocked me over from lala-land to reality. I was like NEVERMIND. I became really cynical- like will I find someone who could deal with me and my problems? And another thing was that I didn't want to give my future children all these genes with mental illness in them. I consider myself twice-cursed because depression is on both sides of my family. I don't want to pass that on. My parents suffer enough seeing my pain everyday. (These thoughts were when I were super down). However family and children can also be a wonderful thing. But it's also a lot of responsibility, effort, and financial stability. These little boogers take a lot of $$$ out of you. haha. I'm not a medical professional- but you may have to be weaning off medications when you're trying to get pregnant and be completely off of them during the pregnancy and perhaps a little after if you're going to be breastfeeding. So it's a big decision because you have to work hard to be off meds and stay off for awhile. Even if your biological clock is ticking, don't feel pressured by what the people your age are doing. You all have different situations. Perhaps talk about it with your doctors, therapists, a family life counselor and your husband. You could also adopt. I'm turning 27 later in the month and I also feel like my clock is ticking. My age limit for having kids is like 33-35 y/o. After that you're kind of old and there's a risk the baby will have physical/mental defects. Yeah, sure celebrities are doing it- but they have the money to get the best care needed. For me, my plan would be to: start dating and find an ideal partner I could/love/trust/tolerate being with for a long time/see myself having a child with. I'd also have to be off my meds, have a firm mental foundation, positive mindset- for all the pregnancy hormones/physical changes. Financial stability to be able to support my kid. (Kids are cute but they are $$$!) I wanted to have 4 kids before. But as I myself grew into an adult and see all my parents did for me, I now only want 1-2 kids. Ideally both boys. They are a bit easier to deal with (at least for me). I don't want a girl because they are complicated. Also if I change and become hesistant again to pass on my cursed genetics/miss the deadline-I want to adopt. A lot of kids need homes. I wouldn't need to be off my meds for the pregnancy. I would choose an older child too. I wouldn't have to deal with diaper changes/potty training. Sometimes would - be parents would only want like a brand-new baby/like how people always want puppies and the older dogs are forgotten. So maybe talk to your doctors/counselors first- to see the precautions, lifestyle changes and risks that are involved. Be sure that you want this and are prepared to be in it for the long haul. Children are a commitment. Good luck!
  4. its like all the food thinks my insides is some kind of waterslide park. like i'm popping diarrhea pills almost everyday. almost anything makes me have to go the bathroom. i'm more hesitant to eat outside of my house. i acknowledge that i have to change some of the foods i eat because they're pretty bad anyways- but the anxiety and other med side effects are not cool.
  5. not a place but thought of a drink called Anxie-Tea. a church called Last Rites. Personal Demons. the support group that meets every freaking day. i wonder if it'd be good if all mentally ill people could live in a town together. mmm...i see it going both ways. like we'll be with "our" people. they'll get what everyone's going through. understand people's quirks and moods and not look at each other weird. for example, my brother and his friends are all like-minded people- happy, positive, ambitous. when i have to be around them it's like they're trying to stuff sunshine down my throat. but with all that sadness or whatever filling the air we could all just have a mass suicide block party. ooh like the sign to entrance of our town/or the slogan of the the town can be " Welcome! It's All Downhill From Here." and the population numbers could just keep counting down/changing. ahaha. ah! a comedy club called Dark Humor. a nice little inn called The Hangman's Noose.
  6. haha these are so great. i try every night to have a good run in the Ambien Gardens. There is a used bookstore called Self-Help Yourself. I also take comfort in knowing where Suicide Falls is and that I know several ways of getting there. I heard that the hotel there- Last Resort is really popular. The bar called Pick Your Poison has drinks to die for.
  7. i was thinking of what to call the place where i "live" in my head. like my mind is called The Depressed Nation or something. And then travelling to different places- Anxiety Alley or Misery Meadows. HIGHtown. lowTOWN. the thought of a place called Suicide Falls makes me laugh. gah maybe that word will get censored though. ahh man now i'm gonna do this all day. maybe i'll even draw a map. so think of a place where you "live" or that exists in your head. perhaps other people have been there too! haha. and to make it a bit positive too think of places you want to go to. like that really elusive and expensive one-way ticket to Normalville...in Stable City. on the Hidden Island of Happy. please post!
  8. i am feeling -Lethargic. Languid. i'm always sleeping late. like 3-4 in the morning. reading or just lying in bed trying not to think of anything. feeling a bit Anxious because i have to go to a family party. i know i'm going to isolate myself plus wear a hat and not make eye contact with anyone. and i'll bring books and gadgets to distract me from the horror of being around other humans who aren't behind a tv screen. but i still get super nervous so i'll sweat a lot and end up being uncomfortable. it'll just be overstimulating. since being outside makes me go high alert. the only thing i'm looking forward to is free food i can bring home and taking a nice shower and scrubbing the sweat, bad feelings, and just the Outside in general.
  9. TIRING. i feel like i haven't gotten a good quality worry-free sleep since i turned 18. started college. failed college. still failing. now i'm 26 and although all i mostly do is sleep, it's not the same as the sleep of a 17 year old who is still loved by her father and not thought to be a deadbeat parasite. a 17 year old who thought the future was exciting and promising. just tired of trying to learn how to live rather than exist. it'd be nice to maybe just survive.
  10. Paranoid: High Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Moderate Borderline: Very High Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Very High Dependent: High Obsessive-Compulsive: Very High heh. gah i kinda agree. i'm a piece of work. seems like a daunting task to fix myself. agggggh.
  11. it clogs your brain like it clogs your heart. it's just kind of a vicious cycle. for me i'm not really hungry but it's part of my routine to get food like at 11-3am. freaking 24 hr drive-thrus. Plus when I take my sleeping pill it makes me craves food. I know all the places around my house and what time their drive thrus close. Like I'm physically trying to fill the emotional hole in my heart with fast food. It feels okay for awhile but the guilt comes in about how much money i spent on food when i have so little money to begin with. And also the weight gain. So besides all the psych meds I gotta take meds for blood pressure, cholesterol and I activated the diabetes that runs through both sides of my family. so eating makes me more depressed, happier and fatter at the same time.
  12. woke up early for once. went outside my house. hung out with my only friend. known her since kindergarten. hasn't given up on me. even though i kind of keep testing her to see if she'll stick by me. and i find it terrifying and wonderful that nothing fazes her and she gets my weirdness and that she just has...faith.
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