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  1. I am not blaming anyone. No where did i say anyone deserved anything or that anyone was "asking for it". If anything, i support womens right to speak up, report abuse, and hold others accountable within the law. And i fully understand that many women do not speak up when they should after something truly tragic has happened. I am trying to understand why, if someone forced another to have sex when they did not want it, why did the person then allow it to happen ? It just does not make any logical sense to me. Electric_blonde said in first post that she did not want it and she told him that but when they were making out he "took it further". Well, if she did not want it, then why did she not just walk away ? If the answer is "because she was drunk" and was in a more vulnerable state then that is a matter of impaired judgment on her part and you cannot completely hold the other person responsible especially if they were drinking too. People are responsible for their own actions and this includes drinking alcohol which everyone knows can impair judgment. No one is forcing anyone to drink alcohol and there is always the option to not drink. So there is an easy way to prevent these type of situations where "one thing led to another", and that is to not drink. Some people never drink alcohol. That will give a person the best opportunity to avoid being in uncomfortable situations. Now, if the other person was sober and she was drunk, and she says no, i might expect the guy to have the sensibility to not take advantage of the situation, although even this scenario i think could be argued to be ok if the guy did not have bad intentions and just interpreted her signs of interest to the best of his ability-- women sometimes give mixed signals that confuse guys, everything short of screaming "NO" at the top of their lungs and trying to fight to run away. I look at it like this. Many girls DO get drunk with the intention of just hooking up with a guy and they actually do want it to happen and they di not have any regrets afterward. So how can one differentiate between this scenario, and the prior scenario when the girl does NOT want it ? Well it is near impossible to differentiate and guys cannot read minds so to me these two scenarios are essentially equal in my mind.
  2. I was not seduced into sex. I TOLD THE GUY I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX AND HE HAD SEX WITH ME ANYWAY. This is not a case of doing it and regretting it later. Just because I chose to drink that night does not mean I deserved for that to happen. You sound like you are a member of the "she asked for it' clan and I don't appreciate it. You either don't understand or are choosing to be ignorant instead of helpful. Either way, please stop responding to my post because you are really pi**ing me off now. If you really want to be helpful, do not reply to my post again. Your response makes me really depressed. That is the same exact feeling that i feel about my whole life in general, whenever i do anything in society or try to get involved or help or anything, everyone just tells me to shutup, go away and disappear like i am worthless. It makes me want to **** myself because clearly no one wants me here, not even other depressed people. It is a big reason for MY posts here on depression forum, why i am here in the first place. I do understand what you said and i am not ignorant and i am not trying to pi** you off. I am a good and smart person who read what you wrote and offered a helpful opinion. You may not like it but it is my opinion and it happens to be one that a lot of other people agree with. So you are free to ignore it if you want but do not tell me to go away, that is just rude. The fact of the matter is that if you objected to sex and someone forced you to have sex despite your objections, then you should have called the police after since it might be rape. Did you scream? Why did you not call police ? There is a distinction between rape and poor judgment. If it was just poor judgment, then it is not the end of the world. Usually when people are drinking, they can do things they regret.
  3. I sense some anger in your posts. That is ok. It is ok to be angry sometimes. You will probably not like what i have to say now, but it is my honest opinion and i think a lot of people would agree with me. i think that when a person (guy or girl) makes the decision to drink, or do drugs, or in any way knowingly and willingly alters their own state of mind, especially in a social setting, they must be prepared for things to happen under poor judgment, including being seduced into sex and regretting it later. One must know their own limitations. For example, i cannot tolerate very mich alcohol or drugs at all. I am skinny and very sensitive to things. So i know my limits and behave accordingly. A person who does not know their limits should experiment in safe settings where they know the chances of bad things happening will much lower. Also, limiting one's dating to only people they feel "safe" around is likely to backfire. I do not mean to surround yourself with people who you think may physically harm you, but having a strong fear of ending up with the "wrong" person typically results in the fear being realized due to the strong emotional charge attached to it. The reason for this is that, just like magnets, you will end up being attracted to someone who is similarly fearful of the opposite sex, which means they probably have their own issues or anger to deal with as well. So the way to end up with the "right" person is to simply not worry so much about ending up with the wrong person, and just go out there and live life to the fullest
  4. Just gonna throw this out there as food for thought. While it is best to focus on ourselves and not worry too much about other peoples issues unless there is a really good reason to do so, it may be helpful in a situation like this one, to consider the other person's experience What i mean is, you seem to assume that the guy just "led you away and that was that", sort of like there was no thought or emotion on his side, only actions that ended up cursing you somehow. In reality, that experience may have been just as unfortunate for him. I will give you an example: About 6 months ago i worked up the energy to do the OKcupid thing again. After a few weeks i met a girl for coffee and a few nights later had her over in my bed where we had sex. We texted for a couple more weeks but then that was it. She eventually sensed that i did not care much and i just did not feel any emotion or attraction for her. No biggie, i felt we did not match, although i am sure she probably was left feeling somewhat hurt. She took a risk, gave herself up to me physically, and i quickly rejected her-- not intentionally, that is just the way it turned out. What she does not know, and in my opinion it is not worth even putting any additional time or effort into, is that i did feel a little bad about what happened, but ultimately it was probably just as damaging and unfortunate for me. I left feeling more depressed than ever, since I feel like why even bother with this dating stuff, it is impossible. As a result i never want to even go on okcupid ever again. While the experience was one more learning experience for me, i sort of regret the whole thing. The girl was sweet and kind and decent looking, but something about the experience just kind of "grossed" me out. I sort of hate myself for it. And it is just one more bad experience to add to my mountain of bad experiences. So from her perspective it was probably just the universe cursing her, but to me it is also the universe cursing me. Anyways i guess my point is just that maybe the guy you had sex with was hurt just as much, maybe even more, but in a different way. And you may never be able to know. Sometimes it is comforting knowing that we are not alone in our problems
  5. Almost felt like you were describing me. Yes i had the anger early on too but it got turned inward after a while. Now it is yesrs of sadness, anger, depression, regret, anxiety, loneliness and frustration all bundled together. Weighs heavily on me and i carry it from day to day. everything is all bottled up inside, cant get it out, holding on too tightly. The emotions are still there they are just buried deep and blocked off i guess because the body or mind thinks it is too much to handle so i guess the body us trying to protect by preventing confrontation. Defense mechanism. Been in a kind of fight-or-flight anxious alertness for years still. I really wish i could cry but i cannot. Crying = release
  6. I am not sure. There are times when i feel ok. But even at the high points nowadays i am not that pleased overall and i do not see a lot that can be done to make a big difference in the way thag i want. Then at my low points it just becomes even more clear and is like i can see everything from a bigger broader vantage point and it seems dumb to keep going like this. If i saw a pathway or multiple pathways that gave me hope and filled me with a sense that things were going to change in a big way and i would feel much better and stronger each day with a real appetite to get out there and live, then i would probably want to do it. But i just dont see it.
  7. Ratboy nice thoughtful response. One thing about what you said at the end. "Nothing floats along.. If we dont eat and drink we die,....Etc" I guess the thing is that i used to take for granted all the little things that i did in a day, like putting away things that i took out, or keeping things neat and organized. But now i am so much more aware of the fact that just doing Nothing is actually a full time job. What i mean is, i used to be able to plan ahead for my future, and have a social life, and think about bigger more fun stuff in my life. nowadays i have to devote so much energy to the mundane upkeep of everything, including myself just to keep it all running, that there is no more time or energy left for any of the REAL stuff i want to be doing. All the little things like wiping away dust that has accumulated even if i have not used something recently. And having to make income to pay bills just so that i can sit here in peace and do nothing, let alone go out and spend money on activities or entertainment. And when i am hungry, before i can even eat nowadays i have to put a tremendous amount of energy into grocery shopping, planning what foods to buy, at what price, how to put the foods together, which dishes to use, maybe dishes need to be cleaned just to be able to cook the food. It is endless! All i want to do is have a sandwich so that i can have a full belly so that i can relax and focus on more important stuff like what i want to DO or where i want to GO to actually live my life. But so much time is spent on the preparation and pre-meal that that becomes the main event! There is nothing left in me after i finally eat the meal ! Then the whole process repeats since just to get to eat something else in a few hours i will have to start planning ahead now !
  8. I want to add something else too. (My frustration today helps me to understand and express my emotions a tiny bit more clearly) One of the things i feel is that with my business for example (self employed) i often feel like i am sort of always looking for ways to "cut corners" not in a particularly bad or immoral sense but often in ways that are not the standard, easy route that most people take. The way i do this is by spending a lot more time thinking and hunting for pathways still work and offer opportunity. I do this because it seems like when i do it, i am able to stay afloat and survive. Meanwhile i often see other people taking the "regular easy" route and they usually end up failing for what seems like obvious reasons to me. So when i combine all of my various survival "methods", i end up feeling like i am artifically "forcing" myself to stay afloat. By this i mean, i feel like if i were to simply do what any other regular person would do, and take the "regular route" without overthinking anything, then i feel reasonably certain that at a minimum i would have to quit my business because there is no way it could be profitable and achievable. I would have to accept that i am a failure and would not have a way to make ends meet and would not know what to do at that point. So i start to hate myself for trying so hard to keep something afloat that feels like it is begging to sink all the time. Part of me keeps saying "just stop trying, let it sink if that is its natural tendency. No one should have to overthink as much as this just to get by" Should my life feel like its natural tendency is to fail and that i have to keep it afloat always by pushing it along ? I always envisioned that life should be naturally buoyed upward and you go along for the ride and just try to direct it a little here and there but do not have to worry much about keeping things afloat.
  9. I keep thinking every day that if just one more really bothersome, or negative thing happens that makes my life more difficult, then i am going to just give up and throw in the towel and that will have been the last straw. Then the next day rolls around and i am still here doing the same thing, having accepted the new problems or attempting to deal with them. Maybe i am successful, maybe not. And then i just hate myself more because i feel like i should have thrown in the towel a long time ago and could have saved myself so much hassle but i keep torturing myself anyways
  10. All my life my parents have always told me to take negative stuff in stride, that "this too shall pass", that it is just small stuff and not worth worrying or getting upset over. I have been taught to rise above situations, to try to see things for what they really are. I have heard the same advice from others too. All good rational advice that is motivational and comforting. But there is a problem. Some of that negative stuff does not come to pass. Some of it sticks, and even gets worse. Not just that, but when something does eventually pass, it is replaced by something different but just as worrisome or upsetting. And things tend to build on top of each other, sometimes irreversibly. I have had a bit of a rough day related to business stuff, and it is days like this that really make me feel very sidelined, like what is the freaking point of it all. I try to do things that are fun and tolerable and try to stay optimistic but today's society does not like people like me. True, Nobody is really hurting me or forcing me into anything, I still have some freedom, but it is just an ever growing sense that people would not mind one bit if people like me were gone. In fact many would welcome it. And society probably would be very slightly worse off without me, so why not just give them what they want and deserve? My dad has told me things in the past, including "life only gets tougher the older you get" and also that "it's always something" meaning there is always some problem to deal with. Seems to all be true Also the other thing that gets to me is, sure it is always possible to improve stuff but at what cost? There ought to be some point at which it is a reasonable decision to give up. I will give an example. Lets say a person is having trouble dating and is given the advice of others to keep trying, keep messaging on online dating sites, keep practicing socializing, do all of the self improvement stuff. And the person may actually agree that it will work and they see a little success when carrying out the advice. But then the person starts to get an idea of what kind of effort is really going to be required to reach their own goals, and it is unreasonably difficult and slow. If they might have to message 500 girls online just to get a date. What if it required messaging 1000 girls to meet one they were really compatible with? or 2000 girls ? Or if they have to put in many years of consistent exercise to get to a point they find personally satisfactory. Or if it is possible to have the job or lifestyle they want, but it will literally take many years to make a switch and the person just does not have the energy to put in the effort. Is there any point at which a depressed person should just be told "it is possible, but rationally just way too much work for you". No disrespect to anyone on this forum who might be severely disabled, like a quadriplegic or Stephen Hawking-type (i have great admiration for these people actually), or someone who is deaf and blind, etc. but I am always amazed by these people. They have, by almost any metric, a particularly bad lot in life compared to an average person and, logically speaking, it would probably make more sense to put themselves out of their misery. Many of these people often say not to pity them because they actually have really good lives and are happy to be alive. But you know that a good portion of them, if given the choice, would really just prefer to be more normal. Again i do not want to be taken the wrong way here, i have a lot of respect for these people and their struggle, and even my own struggle-- I am amazed and somewhat dumbfounded that they, and i, keep plowing ahead almost for no reason at all.
  11. Does anyone else get this feeling. Sometimes (but not always) it feels like whatever success or positive things happen to me, i subconciously find ways to dismantle or reduce them. For example i noticed that when i make some money with my business i start to feel... Anxious when money begins to buildup in my account. I do not feel the urge to "waste" the money on stupid things, but i manage to find ways to bring the balance closer to zero, even if it means re-investing the money. It is like i am not clmfortable having the money, like i do not worthy of it somehow. I try to convince myself that I AM worth it, but this only delays the inevitable and increases the anxiety Similarly i feel uncomfortable when girls actually are attracted to me. Even though i know that i want them to like me, somehow i feel more "at ease" being alone and unwanted. So whenever things go well for me, i manage to destroy it again quickly. Even with my skin. I cannot go more than a few days with clear skin. My OCD forces me to make it bad again, even if i have to squeeze nonexistent imaginary pimples Same with my living space. I work really hard everyday to try to keep it clutter-free but there is always some clutter. As soon as i work up the motivation to finally remove ALL of the clutter, then seemingly within hours it begins the process of returning, as if the clutter is the default way of being when it should be the opposite way. Why am so subconsciously uncomfortable with things truly being successful, good, clean, happy, etc
  12. Violacat makes some good points, but there is one fundamental point that she misses. Yes, it is better for us to stop trying to "find" girls and just be ourselves and do things we like, but doing that will only gets us so far. The problem is that we are guys who have difficulty just being ourselves. And since we have never really had a lot of female interest, we do not even really know how to be our best most attractive self. So you are teoling us to just not worry, to just go out and live life and do stuff we enjoy and everything will work out. OK, you are correct, but much easier said than done for us. We have issues that make it difficult for us to do what will work. These issues cannot be solved overnight. Violacat, i found your point about women being worth "more than that" to be very eye opening, this coming from a guy who has done a lot of unsuccessful "seeking" in the past. It is interesting that you say this, since actually the reason why we guys tend to go out of our way to "try to find a girl" is not because we intentionally are viewing them as a worthless commodity, rather it is partly because we actually see ourselves as lower than women due to our low self esteem. So we feel like finding a girl is like a trophy, we put them on a pedestal like something that must be earned, caught, found, achieved, conquered, etc. Of course we all know how that does not usually work in the end. Ultimately it is our low self esteem which leads to wrong perceptions of women, which in turn makes us say and do foolish things that accomplish the exact opposite of what we want: that is, to repel women instead if attract them. So the solution starts with changing our internal thoughts and feelings about womens value in relation to us. if we can learn to tone down our perception of women as unattainable trophies and begin to see them as more normal people instead (which ironically is a way a lowering our perceived value of them in a way), then they will sense that we are more normal and sensible guys
  13. With a "dating coach" you run several risks. The first is that you do not really know if they have the skills they profess to have. For all you know, the girls you see throwing themselves at the dating coach may just be hired guns, for the purposes of boosting the coach's reputation, or even more likely they are girls he has already known for a long time. You also run the risk that the coach is not a very good teacher, so following his "advice" may not necessarily be very effective, and as previously mentioned they may just be looking for quick cash from gullible desperate guys, with not much intention of actually doing much at all, which is what I suspect happened to you. If you know how to introduce yourself to someone and make a friend, then it is pretty easy to find a guy who is getting girls. If you do not know how to do this, then you probably need more social skills help than I can offer. Approaching guys is usually easier for us than it is to approach girls. So just hang out in any number of places -- a gym, a bar, a local sporting activity, in line at a restaurant, even if you have no real intention to get buff, drink alcohol or play basketball. Strike up a conversation or give a "bro compliment" to someone who looks legit or who you have seen getting the kind of girls you want to get. Or even a group of guys that you wish you could be like. Preferably people who are not exactly like you, someone you might not normally talk to. The point is that one should go a little bit outside their comfort zone to see things from a different perspective. It only takes a few minutes of conversation to swap contact information. It is easy to gently "push" a conversation along in this direction, if necessary. If all else fails, just break down and find someone and politely pull them over to the side and politely tell them that you admire their skills, but you are not gay, and you would honestly just like to learn more about how they do it, and if they would be willing to let you tag along in public to a few places while they go about their normal social interaction. Maybe offer to buy them a lunch or two, but do not spend too much money or effort. The point is that it should be casual and just an opportunity to pick up some useful behaviors. I assume some people might be creeped out by this and tell you "no" in which case just try again with someone else. No big deal, no harm done. I befriended a guy about a year or two ago and quickly became "bro" with him. He was a musician and I expressed interest in his musical abilities. He was more than happy to bring me to various social places that he frequents. I quickly was able to see that he has an active social life. He frequently meets with girls that he finds online or just randomly in person everywhere. Being around him helped me to get out of my "loser" mindset and step into a more "entitled" and confident mindset where meeting girls became just a normal way of living. I did not stick around with him long enough because I started to realize that I did not like who he was on the inside. He was friendly and fun to be with, and very nice to me, but after a while I began to feel repulsed by him for some reason. I could tell he had some deeper issue(s) but not sure what. Maybe issues with insecurity and/or his parents, or maybe he was a closet homosexual and just did not know it yet. I am not sure what his deal was but eventually i just stopped talking to him.
  14. Hello again nexus there is an old bit of generic advice that basically says if a nerdy guy in college wants to learn how to get good with girls, all he has to do is find one of the big athletic jock guys on campus, befriend him and follow him around for a while. I believe there is a lot of truth in this advice. One does not need to pay any instructors or take classes, just find and befriend someone who is genuine and honest and who appears to be really good at it, and follow them around for a while. Then you will begin to pick up their habits almost automatically. It is a mindset, a way of being, a way of living and feeling, a swagger and style. 80-90% of social interaction is body language. And it can be cultivated and developed. Maybe not overnight, but i think just about every guy is capable of developing it within a relatively short timeframe. The problem that guys like you and me have is that we think too much. While thinking is usually a good thing, Sometimes it is better to turn off our brains and just relax, go with the flow and live by instinct and feeling. It is actually far easier than thinking, we are just not used to it. The good news is that intelligent people like you and me are typically fast learners, so we can climb the ladder pretty fast when we are serious about something.
  15. I completely agree with bluegal here. When we look around and see other people getting in and out of relationships so frequently, it often appears that a girlfriend or boyfriend is some kind of trophy that you are given. It just is not true. I believe strongly nowadays that it is something that instead is a reflection of where you are emotionally and what your situation in life is. People refer to this as confidence but it is also possible for insecure people to find partners too-- they will just have more issues to deal with. The answers can be found within oneself mostly, not so much externally. Like i have said already, i know the feeling all too well of desperately wanting it to finally just happen already for me. When i am in this mindset all i can focus on is how much i want to be validated socially. I crave the social attention and confirmation. I am jealous of others who appear to have it better than me. I want what i believe will be fun and interesting experiences and emotions. And of course sex. Everyone wants these things, of course. But these cravings are all reflections of some internal issues, feelings of inadequacy or lack or poor self esteem. If one felt more complete on the inside, they would not desire so strongly. Ironically it is when we feel complete and non-needy that we become most attractive and desirable to others, since most other people feel lacking and incomplete as well. The healthy goal ought to be for two generally non-needy, complete people to find each other and enjoy and appreciate -- but not depend on -- each other. Also Luis makes a good point about judging from appearance alone. I can honestly say that yes, i would probably reject most girls who i do not find physically attractive at first sight. As a result i rarely ever get past that point since i am far too picky. Perhaps if i were more accepting and open minded to more average looking people like myself then i might have more success. If i am only giving the most attractive 10's a chance, then i am truly out of my league and also facing way, way more competition from other guys. So unless i am a 10 myself, it would take tremendous skill to make this happen-- skill that usually comes from prior experience.
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