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psycholuigiman

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Everything posted by psycholuigiman

  1. Same. They deserve better than to have his death be the catalyst for setting a country on fire and for activists, politicians, and criminals to all be using his death as a tool to promote their agenda and get some easy money.
  2. My whole point in bringing up the health complications, the race of the other officers, and now the fact that two of the officers at the scene have a history of going overboard has only been to show that this was not a "lynching" as the media likes to call it. This was more than likely a police brutality instance not at all related to race. Not to mention the officer with his knee on the victim/suspect's neck getting fired before the riots really even got started. Sometimes you have to make chaos to be heard? Okay, then what's the message? Is it don't be racist? Well, this is looking more and more like it wasn't a racist act so that message is pointless. Is it police brutality won't be ignored? The officer was fired, so clearly it's not being ignored. Then again, maybe he wasn't fired until after the riots had started. Okay, then there is no reason for the riots to continue now that he has been not only fired, but arrested and is getting set up for criminal charges. And I disagree with the notion that blacks have been living a race war. I somehow doubt that Generation Y or Generation Z have had to fight all that hard what with affirmative action making it easier to land a job, universities and other institutions giving them extra consideration due to the color of their skin being a virtue, and cities going as far as to prohibit the conduction of sting operations in dominantly black neighborhoods, as well as the myriad of organizations created solely to help black people. If they have been fighting a war, it's been from internal conflicts trying to decide for themselves if what they've been told about the system being against them their whole life was true or not. Whether or not racism has been involved in that is a lot harder for me to say. Bottom line is, those problems that are portrayed as problems only blacks have to deal with, they're not that way. Change the races of the officers and the victim/suspect in this case, and it's probably happened. Only difference is that blacks are the only ones whose lives are precious enough to warrant a 7 day and counting riot across a country. I really appreciate your thoughtful reply, by the way. It's nice not to be told I'm just blind or ignorant to everything because I haven't lived through it personally. That's not a dig at womanofthelight, just to be clear. I get told that frequently in my life outside of this forum. On the topic of having this thrown in my face forever, I guess I can just only take so much. When you try to follow politics and current events, you run into some nasty people. I'm sure you know what that's like. It doesn't hurt so much when it's some random guy on the internet. As far as I know, they're just trying to get a rise out of me. This time was different though. It was someone I thought was my friend. I guess I had an image of him in my head, and I couldn't handle it when it was broken like that. He had so much sympathy for stuff in the past, but I guess when it's just what he perceives to be racist Americans, and on such a large scale, that sympathy turns into condescending disappointment. I guess I need to not think so highly of my friends, even though I'm careful about selecting them.
  3. I've combed through both the ToS and the forum guidelines about posting. I haven't seen any restriction on posts of this nature, so long as all parties involved remain respectful. Can you point me to the section you're referring to?
  4. I can't speak from personal experience, but my understanding is that main stream media has always had a left-leaning bias as far back as the 60s, at least. As for before then, maybe it was a right-leaning bias? In any case, it does seem like it has in fact been like that for a very long time. Though there is a strong case that can be made about it getting much worse and much more blatant in recent years. Your Ancient Aliens comparison is super on point and much like the show, Ancient Aliens, I'm baffled as to how anybody still trust the main stream media after all of the lies, set ups, deception, division, and hatred they've sewed.
  5. Your sources say it all. CNN, MSNBC, Fox, USA Today, and ABC are all well known for their spreading of misinformation in favor of pushing a narrative. Countless falsehoods have been published by them, few have been retracted. Christ, during a riot, CNN assured everyone the riots were not unruly at all while a building burned behind the reporter. They're arguably the least trustworthy of them all. And I don't think I will continue this discussion in private. Anything you have to say to me, you can say it in front of everyone. So go ahead and post what you sent to me in PM right here. I'll be waiting for you to shower me with more criticism due to the color of my skin.
  6. This is exactly what I'm talking about. How do you know what actually happened? Were you there? Did you see unedited bodycam footage? Last I heard, one of the cops was asian and another was hispanic too. And way to do exactly what I hate by throwing the past in my face. Why would someone think they can get away with a "lynching" when every recent example has led to outrage? Heck, even the hate hoaxes garner the outrage of the supposedly oppressed until the facts come out. If anything, it's more acceptable to **** a white person since that rarely gets any news coverage. Certainly no riots or protests (not that I'd want any, but I'm making a point). Christ, some people actually think white people never even get pulled over by the police, let alone wrongfully killed or arrested. You claim that I think I've heard it all? Nuh uh, I think you believe you already know it all. What I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. Your reply wasn't meant to accuse me or teach me a lesson, yet you accuse me of being naive, blind, and ignorant and proceed to lecture me on the importance of considering other perspectives. All while narrowing your own focus on assuming this was an intentional racist act, ignoring the aftermath in which the officers were all fired and are now being charged. Ignoring the lives and businesses being uprooted and destroyed in the name of "fighting racism". Lecturing me about how big bad America destroyed the lives of natives as though zero other world powers are guilty of the same thing. America isn't special. The only thing that makes America special is everyone's willingness to use it as a scapegoat to avoid taking responsibility for themselves. And I disagree with the notion that humanity seeks to destroy itself. That's some old, tired, pretentious philosophy that I've heard ever since I was a teen. If humanity wanted that, it would have happened long before any of us were born. Humanity wants to be better. Only problem is that everyone's definition of better is different. Some think better means working hard and staying true to oneself. Others think better means exploiting one's differences to improve their life. By the way, where did you get your information on this case? I'm curious.
  7. It's already happening. The world is passing judgement, but not on itself. Oh no, it's America being judged. Canadian friend expressed his "disappointment" in America. I'm so tired of this. Every year. Every single year. Every single bloody year, America gets viewed under a microscope and always, always, always gets this "better than thou" treatment. As if the stuff coming out of Canada is pure, wholesome, inclusive, and all things good, or any other country for that matter. So, now on top of being told that as a white person, I should feel guilty, I can look forward to being told that as an American, I should feel like a disappointment. Racism is alive and well. It can now take a new form that nobody recognizes or even cares about, because as far as everyone is concerned, Americans deserve every bit of scorn and negative attention they get, since the only thing anyone talks about anymore the misdeeds and sins of our forefathers until something like this comes up to give everyone a fresh new reason.
  8. I wasn't sure if I should put this here, or in relationships section since it didn't really start bothering me until my mom got very big time upset this afternoon over the topic of discussion, but now I'm feeling the stress too, so I thought it might go here. Admin, feel free to tell me to relocate the topic if need be, or do it yourself if you have that power. Anyway, the topic at hand. For those of you who don't live in the U.S.A. or wisely choose to only catch up on the news once a month or so, there has been a riot going on in Minneapolis, Minnesota for 4 days straight, getting ready to become 5 here soon if I'm not mistaken. The town is burning, people are looting, it's a mess. The cause of this riot, that is looking like it will rival the California riots of 1992, was the death of a black man at the hands of police, one white officer in particular who suffocated the victim/alleged criminal by putting too much pressure on the neck, causing death. The officers involved were fired soon after the incident. This is what I know for sure happened. What comes next is a hurricane of main stream media spins, hearsay, and 4 days of destruction and anarchy. The media says these are merely protests and not at all unruly, as a building burns behind the reporter. Known race baiters and average citizens claim the victim/alleged criminal expressed that he could not breathe, but other official reports claim he could not speak due to the pressure on his neck. Some claim this was a M***** fueled by a racist police force trained to **** minorities, others point out that officers aren't even trained to place their knees on any suspect or victim's neck during attempt to restrain the suspect or victim (from what I've seen in real life, the knee always goes on the suspect's mid or upper back.) Some claim the man was a perfectly healthy man, other sources say the man had health complications, and that was the actual cause of death. Look at all of this conflicting information. What is anyone supposed to do with all of these contradictions? Burn a city down? That makes no sense at all. I hate to be a tin-foil hat conspiracy theory guy, but it really does seem like the misinformation and confusion is intentionally made to worsen racial tensions. Doesn't help that seemingly every outrage ends up being due to a black person being killed by a white person, police or not. See the Ferguson, Missouri riots and the case of Trayvon Martin for two more examples of this. Both of those cases turned out to be greatly exaggerated (the Ferguson case victim wasn't as innocent as media outlets claimed and the shooter in the Trayvon Martin case wasn't white despite most media outlets claiming that to be the case, among other things). Heck, I wouldn't even be surprised if some of the rioters in this current case aren't even living in Minneapolis, or if they were paid by activists and got way out of hand or something. So, with all of this on my mind, and finding out my mom has been freaking out in her head, I guess I'm just really stressed out today. I'll be completely honest. I'm a white gun owner (legally, of course). Everyone in my family owns a personal handgun and knows the procedures for using it. If we're witnessing the start of a race war in my home country, I'm more worried about everyone that isn't capable of defending themselves in any way that matters. If it's just this year's racial outrage, then I'm not looking forward to having this incident thrown in my face for the rest of my life as though I'm the one who killed that man (even if it turns out the police didn't **** him somehow, everyone will still say they did). I made a comparison to the California Riots of 1992 earlier. That was wrong of me, because in this case, the officers who killed that man have already been fired and from what I hear are likely to be prosecuted (though with all the conflicting info, who can be certain anymore?). This whole riot is a sham fueling racial tensions and dividing the country even further. The scary part is, I think it's working.
  9. Hello. I can really only speak about my own experiences and a couple of friends. Putting aside the fact that the whole world is going through some pretty stressful times right now, maybe you're having a very tiny relapse. It's not too odd for people who manage to kick their meds to have occasional relapses. Especially in times that are more stressful than usual. In any case, I tend to doubt it's some new mental illness. If I had to guess, I'd wager your mind is trying to keep up a normal response to stress and anxiety by giving you those bursts of energy to deal with hard stuff, but only for as long as your mind and body can keep that high energy up without causing harm to yourself. So, you get these low energy times where your body and mind are trying to recover. Based on my anecdotes, I recommend confiding in somebody you trust. Maybe you're already doing that though. I don't know. What I do know is that when my friend and I go through our little relapses, we usually feel more balanced in the weeks following a nice long talk about whatever stress is on our minds. Just out of curiosity, do you have seasonal allergies? Lord knows my energy levels are all over the place this time of year every year. Not to downplay your condition or anything. I just think it's important to examine as many possibilities as one can, starting with the ones that are the least consequential. Hope you feel better soon. Stay strong, and shine on!
  10. I guess I'll make my case since I used to think about this a lot. There's a perspective of psychology known as the humanistic perspective. I'm sure you and many others know of it, so I'll just briefly explain it. It states that each individual is driven to act in a way that leads them to self-actualization. That's an almost zen-like state where your mind is in harmony with your surroundings. You're not too worried about anything, you're secure and living a sustainable life, you're happy with your life. That's the short version of it (hope I didn't get it wrong). Generally speaking, not being nice, never going out of your way for anybody ever, stuff like that can weigh on a good person. And since the humanistic perspective sees the general population as inherently good (and maybe a little selfish and misguided at times if you ask me), then I'm left to assume you're a good person too, and an abandonment of your nice guy conscience would end up weighing you down eventually. You can't afford to have anything else in your life weigh you down. None of us can. That's my case. Now my advice. Whatever happened to you, talk about it with some people you still trust to listen to you. Let whatever you're going through roll off you once you fully grasp what happened. Then, take it in moderation. It's okay to be cautious. There are still ways to be a nice guy without putting too much of yourself out there. Figure out some of those ways and let time and good experiences begin to heal your wounds. Please, do shine on.
  11. To a lesser extent, I and my family were also outcasts. I didn't find out until I was much older, but it turns out nobody thought my parents would still be married after 30 years. Then when both their sons were born legally blind (20/220 in both eyes), not just the extended family predicted my and my brother's failure in life, but people in the agencies and systems that develop children (school, after school programs, and so on) were predicting our failure too. To this day, I'm not sure my parents made the right choice telling me about just how much the odds were against me and our family. On the one hand, it's empowering to look up at my Bachelor's hanging on my wall, my black belts tucked away in my drawer, a couple choir trophies on the shelf, and say to myself "And I'm just getting started". On the other hand though, when the pits of despair trap me, and I remember all the predictions about me, and I look at my brother who sadly dropped out of college and still has no way to sustain himself, I begin to wonder if they were right and everything has been just a fluke so far. I'd keep fighting out of spite though. Anything to prove myself right. It took a very good friend I met on this forum to show me that spite was corrupting me though. That I was no longer pursuing success because it's what I really wanted, but because I was angry at people for doubting me. It added an extra layer of pressure that was crushing me at the time. I don't know if I'll ever be as confident in my purpose as Floor2017 sounds. I hope I can be, whatever that purpose is. I can't deny I feel a certain calling when it looks like I can help a person in need though. There were other factors that contributed to my feeling like an outcast, but that's all I wanted to say for now. Shine on everybody.
  12. So, despite feeling and sounding like a crazy person, I ended up adding a long conversation with myself to my bedtime routine. Instead of forcing myself to sleep and inevitably laying awake thinking "I hate myself" over and over, I've been trying to do some introspective work on myself. I guess my problem now hasn't been the same as it used to be. Used to be, all I knew was school, cartoons, and video games, and that made me feel useless. I thought getting some new hobbies would just fix me. I guess it kinda did for a long time, but I suppose it's not really enough to make me feel secure. Having a dialogue with myself has helped me so far. Thank you for your concern. And oh my God, the day I can finally live in my own place for good is the day I get a cat. (Brother is allergic and parents hate cats, and none of us want a dog).
  13. Epictetus, you're such a hero on this forum. It means a lot to me that you'd say something similar to me. Thank you. I guess I forgot what real life heroes are like. So, thank you for reminding me. Depressedgurl is right too. I let my inner critic stomp all over everything that I am and have done. I tried to shut it out, but that made it worse. It would really help if I could nurture that part of me. I imagine that inner critic is there to keep me from getting a swelled head (a bad habit I used to have in my mid teens). Sadly, I have no idea how to do that. mmoose asked about the show I was watching. It was an anime called Golden Times. Recently started getting episodes in English. It's a romance about a university student who lost his memory right after he graduated high school. He has to make some tough choices about the love of his old life before he lost his memory, and the love of his new life since getting out of the hospital. I guess this show set me off because, as I'm watching him just make the most of his new life and have a ton of fun doing it, while glimpsing into his old life and seeing how loved and appreciated he was, something petty rises within me. I mean, I don't want that kind of harsh choice in my life, but I do want people to love me all the same. Then, that inner critic chimes in to tell me I haven't earned it and that I never will. That's the point I had to turn it off.
  14. I must be developing some kind of seasonal depression, because I'm having more trouble staying positive and secure in my beliefs than ever before now. I find myself thinking stuff I only ever thought back when I didn't even realize how severe my depression could get (back in college, I mean). Feels like I'm constantly in need of some kind of validation lately. Like I can't be certain that my family still loves me, or that my parents are still proud of me (not that I ever understood why they were proud to begin with), or that my friends still like me, or that things will turn around and get better if I keep moving forward somehow. For some reason, I just can't keep all of these insecurities from getting into my head lately. It's maddening. To think something I know not to be true over and over again, faster than my brain can even process so that any attempts to logic my way out of these thoughts is just met with these insecurities being shouted in my head ad infinitum. How can I validate myself like this? I can't just break down and start crying every time I feel this way. I can't just expect other people to validate my life for me, can I? Yeah, we're social creatures, but I don't want to get my sense of security solely from other people, because what happens when other people aren't around? For God's sake, I'm getting so bad that I couldn't even watch this romance show that I usually anticipate every week, all because while I'm watching it in the back of my head I'm thinking "How sad. Do you think watching this will somehow ensure you get to live a happy and fulfilling life? That'll never happen." As if I have any way of knowing my future right now. That's when I drew the line and came here to type this out. I'll deal with the brief moments of hating myself and thinking everyone else hates me before I go to sleep every night, but the moment I can't even enjoy some alone time with something new, that's how I know I need to vent or something. It's kinda my thing to say this now. I always value other people's perspectives and stories. I get a lot of insight from reading replies from y'all. So, tell me how you validate your life and how you regain a sense of security in your relationships. That is, if you don't mind.
  15. I hate the holidays quite a bit. It brings an excess of togetherness, peace, and fun to some people, but not for me. Not these days. Everyone in my extended family is slowly dying off or losing their minds. Christmas and Thanksgiving are no longer allowed to be openly celebrated without risk of ridicule and hatred from certain extreme groups. I wouldn't be surprised if some group of people finds a way to fill even the birth of a new year with hatred and division. I have a loving family, but my desire to stay informed on current events is probably what makes this time so miserable for me. Much more than the looming shadow of death over my extended family, failed goals for the current year, or temporary sting I get from not having a romantic partner to snuggle up with.
  16. Oh jeez, guy. I feel like a jerk for saying this, but all this pain is just something you're gonna have to be patient with and let it go away as you move on to other things in your life. I don't know how old you are. Maybe this means less coming from an almost 28 year old guy who thought he'd be living his dreams by now, but well, that's where I'm at. Acceptance helped me out a lot. Not just from myself, but from a few friends and family. Accepting where I am in life and the responsibilities I have. Accepting that my dreams were more ambitious than I thought they were and that it's just going to take a lot more time and effort to reach them. Accepting that maybe dreams shouldn't be rigid goals, but constantly evolving aspirations. Take the girlfriend and family thing for example. I had a girlfriend once. It was awesome. Then, we broke up due in some part to my not doing nearly enough for the relationship. Now it's 2019 and the horror stories I hear about relationships turned into legal battles terrify me. Perhaps it was a dream better left on the back burner until I'm older? I also used to want kids of my own, but to spare you a long explanation, I eventually altered my dream to adoption instead. If I can't have my dream career by the time I'm 30, then I'll aim for 40, or 50. If I decide my dream career isn't worth it, I'll aim for a life of comfort with disposable income. I guess the main idea isn't just to accept that things are bad. Clearly, you know you're sad and you know why. Accept that you have responsibilities, that people count on you, and that you have it inside you to make things better. Accept that it is possible your past self underestimated just how hard it was gonna be to get those dreams and that maybe you don't even want those dreams anymore, like my brother who leads a happier life not worrying about his failed dreams than he ever did in college stressing out over how awful the professors were. Accept that the past is in the past, and those memories are oh so sweet, but they can't sustain you. I promise, even though times are so sad now, they can and will improve. The holidays will be over soon enough, for one thing (I know I'll be thankful for that too). I hope you feel better soon, and I hope my rambling was of a little bit of help. Acceptance may have worked for me, but I totally understand it may not work for you in the same way. It's kinda just my unspoken rule to try and say something practical-ish. Guess I should learn just to say you have my support sometimes. Haha. Have a very happy holiday.
  17. Gotta be honest, I think I needed to see this. Been having sleep problems, my schedule is weird, and it forces me to be isolated while everyone sleeps. But, as you said, it's a new day. Tomorrow will be a new day too. I'll get back to a normal sleep schedule eventually. When I do, it's gonna be freaking awesome! Oh, I'm so excited and looking forward to that now. Thank you.
  18. Hey, I used to do this to some extent. I'm afraid I can't offer much, or any practical advice though. There came a time in my life where certain conditions were met and I blew up around the right people (my closest family members) over my thinking there was a hidden message. We talked about it and they had told me something I had never thought of before. I'll paraphrase and share it now. We don't want you to feel bad, but you know how horrible you feel when you fail to get your message across? Well, imagine how we feel now that we know part of you has been getting a different message than what we have been saying. That's the end of that paraphrase. It sort of opened my eyes to the importance of not only conveying my ideas properly, but understanding others too. That every time I did that hidden message thing, I was setting up to make someone feel as bad as I do when I don't accurately convey my ideas to a listener. After that, I guess the guilt I felt was just so bad that I was able to start forcing myself to take people, or at least people that I'm close to, at face value. Of course, then I had to learn that miscommunications are just a part of life, and that the more I communicated with people, the more it would happen. But it got better. So, I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that I believe you can make this habit stop. It's just, like pretty much anything worth getting good at, it will take a lot of time, effort, patience, and acknowledgements to improve. I hope somebody else comes up with something more practical and helpful. More importantly, I hope you are one day able to freely control when you take things at face value and when you search for a hidden message.
  19. Thanks, to everyone who saw this, and especially to Epictetus and Atra. Against all my gentle suggestions, my close friend did his stream yesterday. Fortunately, a mutual friend took interest in the stream and my close friend did sorta change his mindset, which he reported helped him a lot. I'm still worried about his spending habits. I've been down this road with another friend before. Back then we'd hang out two or three times every time I returned home from college, like clockwork. Now he can't afford a phone, or internet and I don't know where he lives so that friendship has dissolved (at least, that's what I heard from his mama at Wal-Mart). Of course, it might have dissolved anyway since I don't think he was too keen on my suggesting he save his money for those rainy days frequently. I suppose my trying to be harmless worked out for his stream. I just hope it works out on his overspending before he becomes homeless.
  20. I sorta just wanted to vent about this and maybe get somebody else's perspective, cuz more perspectives are usually a good thing in my book. Anyway, ever since a certain and recent little argument with a beloved friend of mind where I knowingly stepped out of bounds to try and talk some sense into said beloved friend who was in desperate need of being told what he didn't want to hear, I've kept in mind an old saying I once heard, though I can't remember where from. Sometimes, it's best to be harmless instead of helpful. I think it means that despite our desire to help somebody in an active and direct way, we'd be better off just being as neutral as possible. I do believe this saying is true, but God is it hard for me to follow. It completely goes against my desires to speak my mind and get to the root of a problem that I know how to solve for a friend in need. Case in point, that same beloved friend is in serious need of someone to help him watch his spending. The guy spends hundreds or even thousands of dollars on games and game equipment every month, but he can't afford healthcare or insurance, for example. Even worse, when he buys a new game at full price, he wants to stream it that same day, and when people don't show up to watch because of any number of decent reasons ranging from a lack of interest in the game to simply wanting to experience the game for themselves before watching somebody else play it, he gets very depressed and feels betrayed. So, here we are. Another week, another new release, another 60 bucks that really should be saved up for something much more important. Do I say anything? No, but God knows I want to. I did let him know how badly I don't want him to get bummed over the lack of stream participation at least. I give him advice on things he can do to maybe feel more secure in himself, but it hardly seems like he's taking it to heart. So, as hard as it is for me, I'm deciding to be as harmless as I can be and to just try and be there for him if things go the way I think they might go. Dear reader, lemme know your thoughts, both on my situation and the validity of being harmless instead of helpful sometimes. Maybe share your own experiences with this sort of situation if you don't mind sharing. I know I sure don't mind reading.
  21. I don't think it is possible for me to agree with a sentiment more. Stagnation is not the only contributor to depression, but it is a massive one. Even somebody without an actual depressive disorder will feel like they have one if they feel they stagnated for too long. The key word here is "feel". Using a personal example, my depression was at its worst while I was in college working towards a bachelor's degree. Logically speaking, my life was not stagnant. I had friends I'd talk to and I was working towards a big step in my lifelong goal. That's not what it felt like though. Only in the moments when an outgoing friend would ask me to go to a piano bar, or watch a play, or when I would try to learn a new trade like sewing or cooking a new recipe, did I feel that stagnant haze start to lift around me so that I could see the light all around me, so to speak. Heck, even those super brief moments when I'd buy a new game or find a new show to watch broke the stagnation for a short time and made me feel happy. So, yeah, I'd say stagnation is a huge factor in depression. To combat it, I highly recommend learning how to do something new, or doing something you haven't done in a while. Just look around your life and ask yourself what you need? Do you have a bunch of torn seams and holes in your clothes like I did? Maybe pick up sewing. Is your diet full of processed and frozen dinners? Maybe its time to learn how to cook.Do you have a broken appliance? Perhaps you can take it apart somewhat and put it back together to fix it like my brother did with his Xbox360 controller. Whatever you do though, dear reader, remember to be patient and acknowledge when you do a good job, no matter how sloppy the attempt was.
  22. Welcome back. Sorry you're not here for a happier reason. The forum still has its share of supportive people eager to listen, relate, and maybe even offer practical advice to anyone asking for it. So, please, fill us in if you don't mind. How has your life been? I hope you don't feel ashamed or anything for coming back for help. Relapses are extremely common (and frustrating) when talking about depression and anxiety disorders. I, for one, also find myself coming back here to rant about the things that depress me.
  23. Buddy, you're too young for all of this. You've barely lived a quarter of your life and you're calling it a lost cause. Think about that. Imagine reading the first quarter of a book, or watching the first 6 minutes of an episode of a show, or playing just up to the first dungeon in a really long game and deeming it so bad that it's a waste of space. That's not right, and I'm sure you know that. Take it from a huge nerd guy who also didn't go to any dance, nobody was talking about this stuff for more than an afternoon. I listened and most people wanted to forget that they spent money on that night because it was so boring. I don't think you're missing all that much. Certainly nothing to envy to the point of adding it to your list of reasons to want to die. Congrats on actually asking two people out by the way. That's two more than I ever worked up the courage for. I know people who tried a lot less harder than you who got even more depressed at the time (me for example). I also know people who tried even harder and still got shot down every time who were even less depressed (my old best friend, for example). She gave me some sage advice back then. Told me what's done is done and that she didn't see any point in getting depressed over it. Said she rented some movies that weekend and made her own fun, but now I'm getting sidetracked. Point is, you tried real hard, it didn't work out this time, but at least you tried. Be proud of that at least and take a small comfort in the fact that it's just one night that will probably be forgotten by the end of the month by all in attendance. You seem like you're way to caught up on past tragedies to make any improvements to your personal life. I know it's rough. I lost my own grandpa and grandma some time ago, but your first priority needs to be to put the past behind you. For me, a faith in some afterlife where my grandparents sometimes watch me with pride in their hearts helped me. Is it imaginary? Probably, but whatever helps is good enough for me. It got me to stop crying long enough to see life moving on without me. Another thing that isn't helping you is insisting that everything has always been awful. It's not true (because you told us as much), and saying that in your head over and over again is making you hold onto your past even more. If you're like I was, you tell yourself that and then you search your memories for everything that confirms that story. It's not healthy though. I dunno what else to say. All I do know is that by sheer coincidence, my mom once reminded me that I looked forward to school in what I thought was a time that I hated school. Clearly my own bad memories didn't tell the whole story and I'm betting it's the same with you and a lot of other people. Lets say you manage to put most of the bad past behind you. Now you're worried about a nuclear war that may never happen. I don't mean to make light of your anxiety, but logically speaking, that isn't very likely to happen. Every major country knows that every major country has nuclear weapons and launching a single one is pretty much a big sign that says "HIT THIS COUNTRY WITH ALL THE NUKES". With all of the requirements and permissions a military facility needs to activate one, it's not likely that somebody will attempt to star a nuclear war without realizing that they're going to get nuked right after they start it.It would take a lot of illogical, very dumb people in very specific places with very specific authoritative power. Rest assured, we're not in danger of becoming the world of Fallout games anytime soon. Look at it this way. What if there is a nuclear war that erases everything. . . or what if there isn't and everything will be fine? If the latter happens, you're worried over literally nothing and making your life exponentially worse over it. If the former happens, you're worried over things beyond our control and are making your life exponentially worse over it. That's the thing about the future. You have to be able to take a step back, pick and choose the things you can actually have some semblance of control over in your life, and leave the rest up to luck or faith or whatever force drives the universe. This has gone on way too long though, so I'll try to wrap up by saying this; I think you're going about your quest for happiness in the wrong way. You can't be happy without a girlfriend, but you can't get a girlfriend cuz you're depressed. You've locked yourself in a self-sustaining cycle of misery and the only way out is to turn your energy to something else. If you took my two cents on the homecoming thing, then take this from me too. A girlfriend won't fix everything about you that you don't like. And if she leaves, it'll just add fuel to your miserable fire. It's too risky and the payoff isn't worth it. But I've said enough. I hope you get better and find some real help soon. I've seen enough kids talk about how their life will never get better come back to me with much happier and improved lives to know that there is still more than enough time and hope for you. Don't you dare waste that by committing suicide.
  24. I can relate to this. Reminds me of my later college days. I only had two or three classes to attend each week, no extra activities, no job, and the work load was very light. It was basically go to school for a few hours, go to my apartment, and go right into playing games or watching videos. A very lonely existence only made better by my brother and calls to my parents. I never did learn how to best handle living alone. Didn't like the typical college life of alcohol and parties, and being older than everyone else made me feel out of place and socially awkward around all the younger people (granted, I was only 4 or 5 years older at the most, but still). I think living alone is just a lifestyle some people are more accustomed to than others. Don't beat yourself up over having these issues. They're actually very normal for a lot of people, even without depression making it worse. Sorry I can't be of more practical help, but I saw this and it just kinda resonated with my old college days.
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