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psycholuigiman

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About psycholuigiman

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  • Birthday 03/22/1992

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Baytown, Texas
  • Interests
    Video games of many a genre, psychology, and friendship.
    That is to say, true friendship that lasts a very long time.

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  1. Thanks, to everyone who saw this, and especially to Epictetus and Atra. Against all my gentle suggestions, my close friend did his stream yesterday. Fortunately, a mutual friend took interest in the stream and my close friend did sorta change his mindset, which he reported helped him a lot. I'm still worried about his spending habits. I've been down this road with another friend before. Back then we'd hang out two or three times every time I returned home from college, like clockwork. Now he can't afford a phone, or internet and I don't know where he lives so that friendship has dissolved (at least, that's what I heard from his mama at Wal-Mart). Of course, it might have dissolved anyway since I don't think he was too keen on my suggesting he save his money for those rainy days frequently. I suppose my trying to be harmless worked out for his stream. I just hope it works out on his overspending before he becomes homeless. 😞
  2. I sorta just wanted to vent about this and maybe get somebody else's perspective, cuz more perspectives are usually a good thing in my book. Anyway, ever since a certain and recent little argument with a beloved friend of mind where I knowingly stepped out of bounds to try and talk some sense into said beloved friend who was in desperate need of being told what he didn't want to hear, I've kept in mind an old saying I once heard, though I can't remember where from. Sometimes, it's best to be harmless instead of helpful. I think it means that despite our desire to help somebody in an active and direct way, we'd be better off just being as neutral as possible. I do believe this saying is true, but God is it hard for me to follow. It completely goes against my desires to speak my mind and get to the root of a problem that I know how to solve for a friend in need. Case in point, that same beloved friend is in serious need of someone to help him watch his spending. The guy spends hundreds or even thousands of dollars on games and game equipment every month, but he can't afford healthcare or insurance, for example. Even worse, when he buys a new game at full price, he wants to stream it that same day, and when people don't show up to watch because of any number of decent reasons ranging from a lack of interest in the game to simply wanting to experience the game for themselves before watching somebody else play it, he gets very depressed and feels betrayed. So, here we are. Another week, another new release, another 60 bucks that really should be saved up for something much more important. Do I say anything? No, but God knows I want to. I did let him know how badly I don't want him to get bummed over the lack of stream participation at least. I give him advice on things he can do to maybe feel more secure in himself, but it hardly seems like he's taking it to heart. So, as hard as it is for me, I'm deciding to be as harmless as I can be and to just try and be there for him if things go the way I think they might go. Dear reader, lemme know your thoughts, both on my situation and the validity of being harmless instead of helpful sometimes. Maybe share your own experiences with this sort of situation if you don't mind sharing. I know I sure don't mind reading.
  3. I don't think it is possible for me to agree with a sentiment more. Stagnation is not the only contributor to depression, but it is a massive one. Even somebody without an actual depressive disorder will feel like they have one if they feel they stagnated for too long. The key word here is "feel". Using a personal example, my depression was at its worst while I was in college working towards a bachelor's degree. Logically speaking, my life was not stagnant. I had friends I'd talk to and I was working towards a big step in my lifelong goal. That's not what it felt like though. Only in the moments when an outgoing friend would ask me to go to a piano bar, or watch a play, or when I would try to learn a new trade like sewing or cooking a new recipe, did I feel that stagnant haze start to lift around me so that I could see the light all around me, so to speak. Heck, even those super brief moments when I'd buy a new game or find a new show to watch broke the stagnation for a short time and made me feel happy. So, yeah, I'd say stagnation is a huge factor in depression. To combat it, I highly recommend learning how to do something new, or doing something you haven't done in a while. Just look around your life and ask yourself what you need? Do you have a bunch of torn seams and holes in your clothes like I did? Maybe pick up sewing. Is your diet full of processed and frozen dinners? Maybe its time to learn how to cook.Do you have a broken appliance? Perhaps you can take it apart somewhat and put it back together to fix it like my brother did with his Xbox360 controller. Whatever you do though, dear reader, remember to be patient and acknowledge when you do a good job, no matter how sloppy the attempt was.
  4. Welcome back. Sorry you're not here for a happier reason. The forum still has its share of supportive people eager to listen, relate, and maybe even offer practical advice to anyone asking for it. So, please, fill us in if you don't mind. How has your life been? I hope you don't feel ashamed or anything for coming back for help. Relapses are extremely common (and frustrating) when talking about depression and anxiety disorders. I, for one, also find myself coming back here to rant about the things that depress me.
  5. Buddy, you're too young for all of this. You've barely lived a quarter of your life and you're calling it a lost cause. Think about that. Imagine reading the first quarter of a book, or watching the first 6 minutes of an episode of a show, or playing just up to the first dungeon in a really long game and deeming it so bad that it's a waste of space. That's not right, and I'm sure you know that. Take it from a huge nerd guy who also didn't go to any dance, nobody was talking about this stuff for more than an afternoon. I listened and most people wanted to forget that they spent money on that night because it was so boring. I don't think you're missing all that much. Certainly nothing to envy to the point of adding it to your list of reasons to want to die. Congrats on actually asking two people out by the way. That's two more than I ever worked up the courage for. I know people who tried a lot less harder than you who got even more depressed at the time (me for example). I also know people who tried even harder and still got shot down every time who were even less depressed (my old best friend, for example). She gave me some sage advice back then. Told me what's done is done and that she didn't see any point in getting depressed over it. Said she rented some movies that weekend and made her own fun, but now I'm getting sidetracked. Point is, you tried real hard, it didn't work out this time, but at least you tried. Be proud of that at least and take a small comfort in the fact that it's just one night that will probably be forgotten by the end of the month by all in attendance. You seem like you're way to caught up on past tragedies to make any improvements to your personal life. I know it's rough. I lost my own grandpa and grandma some time ago, but your first priority needs to be to put the past behind you. For me, a faith in some afterlife where my grandparents sometimes watch me with pride in their hearts helped me. Is it imaginary? Probably, but whatever helps is good enough for me. It got me to stop crying long enough to see life moving on without me. Another thing that isn't helping you is insisting that everything has always been awful. It's not true (because you told us as much), and saying that in your head over and over again is making you hold onto your past even more. If you're like I was, you tell yourself that and then you search your memories for everything that confirms that story. It's not healthy though. I dunno what else to say. All I do know is that by sheer coincidence, my mom once reminded me that I looked forward to school in what I thought was a time that I hated school. Clearly my own bad memories didn't tell the whole story and I'm betting it's the same with you and a lot of other people. Lets say you manage to put most of the bad past behind you. Now you're worried about a nuclear war that may never happen. I don't mean to make light of your anxiety, but logically speaking, that isn't very likely to happen. Every major country knows that every major country has nuclear weapons and launching a single one is pretty much a big sign that says "HIT THIS COUNTRY WITH ALL THE NUKES". With all of the requirements and permissions a military facility needs to activate one, it's not likely that somebody will attempt to star a nuclear war without realizing that they're going to get nuked right after they start it.It would take a lot of illogical, very dumb people in very specific places with very specific authoritative power. Rest assured, we're not in danger of becoming the world of Fallout games anytime soon. Look at it this way. What if there is a nuclear war that erases everything. . . or what if there isn't and everything will be fine? If the latter happens, you're worried over literally nothing and making your life exponentially worse over it. If the former happens, you're worried over things beyond our control and are making your life exponentially worse over it. That's the thing about the future. You have to be able to take a step back, pick and choose the things you can actually have some semblance of control over in your life, and leave the rest up to luck or faith or whatever force drives the universe. This has gone on way too long though, so I'll try to wrap up by saying this; I think you're going about your quest for happiness in the wrong way. You can't be happy without a girlfriend, but you can't get a girlfriend cuz you're depressed. You've locked yourself in a self-sustaining cycle of misery and the only way out is to turn your energy to something else. If you took my two cents on the homecoming thing, then take this from me too. A girlfriend won't fix everything about you that you don't like. And if she leaves, it'll just add fuel to your miserable fire. It's too risky and the payoff isn't worth it. But I've said enough. I hope you get better and find some real help soon. I've seen enough kids talk about how their life will never get better come back to me with much happier and improved lives to know that there is still more than enough time and hope for you. Don't you dare waste that by committing suicide.
  6. I can relate to this. Reminds me of my later college days. I only had two or three classes to attend each week, no extra activities, no job, and the work load was very light. It was basically go to school for a few hours, go to my apartment, and go right into playing games or watching videos. A very lonely existence only made better by my brother and calls to my parents. I never did learn how to best handle living alone. Didn't like the typical college life of alcohol and parties, and being older than everyone else made me feel out of place and socially awkward around all the younger people (granted, I was only 4 or 5 years older at the most, but still). I think living alone is just a lifestyle some people are more accustomed to than others. Don't beat yourself up over having these issues. They're actually very normal for a lot of people, even without depression making it worse. Sorry I can't be of more practical help, but I saw this and it just kinda resonated with my old college days.
  7. Thank you very much, mmoose. You make a lot of good points. Points I already knew, but forgot in my anxious ranting. So, thank you for reminding me. I guess I get so swallowed up by the hate I see around me that I start to think it's directed at me in particular. Yeah, it's true I see a lot of people who would openly say the world would be better off without my kind, but nobody I actually care about has ever said anything that comes anywhere close to that. Or maybe I just get so stressed out being told by the general population that I should feel guilty for even existing and I crack under all of it even though my days of being an obnoxious little scamp are behind me back in Junior High. In any case, you're right, I shouldn't generalize. It's entirely possible people care more than they appear to. Even if I don't play the name-calling game, I'm not being very productive in assuming whoever I'm talking to is only there to throw shade at a person they don't like under the guise of actually caring about the issue. Still, I feel like "hated" is a pretty apt descriptor a lot of the time. I had a twitter account for all of 10 months at one time. Then the Black Panther movie came out and a lot of people said how they really feel about my kind with the #CancelWhitePeople showing up soon after and trending. I remember in that moment thinking there were a handful of crazy people on the platform, just like anywhere else, but when nothing was really done about all the threats of violence, a clear violation of the ToS, I guess that's how it all started for me. I began to feel like even if nobody was actually saying they'd come after me and my family for the color of out skin or our beliefs, they were either thinking it, or would just sit back and let it happen. Of course, getting the heck off of Twitter really helped out in the long run, but I guess thoughts like that will always come creeping back into my head anytime I try to get updated on current events. You know, because no matter what time we're in, the ones about race and politics will usually make the headlines right after the ones about death. Doubly so if it's a death caused by racism or political stuff. Anyway, thanks again for all of the support. I still worry a lot about what I'll do and how I'll get by as a psychologist in this new real world that seems to expect me to lie about my beliefs. I already had to take a short course on sexual harassment where I was told men are bad and will hurt women and I should feel bad and always believe everything a woman tells me under all circumstances. That left such a bad taste in my mouth. It'll be a while before I build up a tolerance to being spoon fed that kind of stuff, but like mmoose so eloquently said,
  8. Thanks everyone. I ended up just taking a couple days to ignore everything and it was pretty nice. I hate to say it, but ignorance really is bliss. But then again, I'm not really that ignorant. I hate being wrong or incorrect more than is healthy for me. I research and make sure whatever or whoever I got my sources from can be trusted. I don't always get it right of course, but it's more than even some of my friends can say. Sharing my side or view on things though isn't really welcome nowadays thanks to my political affiliation. Seems the only place I can talk about it is in echo chambers and that really sucks. I don't know where I was going with this, but no matter where it was, I owe you guys a lot for just letting me post all of that without negative consequences. I feel like my relationship with politics is just too complicated for me sometimes. On the one hand, I love the exchanging of ideas. On the other, I hate all the moral grand-standing and virtue signalling that comes with the territory. On the one hand, it drives me crazy to see so many people talking so big and never actually giving a damn or planning to help in the ways they claim they would. On the other, it terrifies me to think what would happen if some of the loudest people actually followed through with their ideas and I thank God they aren't able to follow through. I'd go on, but y'all get the idea. I wish I could make a place or a group that cultivates the aspects of politics that I enjoy. I'm not apposed to learning after all. Heck, I'm not even apposed to picking a side in an argument, just not a political party that I'd always die and argue for. But I've rambled on long enough. Thank you all again. Your support, however small or insignificant you might think it is, is greatly appreciated.
  9. The internet is more exhausting and infuriating than ever to me recently. Maybe it's only because I recently tried looking for other things to watch and read on the internet, but all of my most hated aspects of the internet are now totally unavoidable unless you dig into the distant past or watch stuff from the Asian countries. Everything is all about race and politics now. How many white people are on the show? How many men are on the show? How many colored people are on? How many women? How many trans? How many bi? I'm exhausted from it every day, but what am I to do? Not much for a legally blind 20-something year old to do out here. Especially if he doesn't drink alcohol. I don't want to spend all my days watching anime and playing games. I want to stay in touch with the issues of the world so I can hopefully make an informed decision about voting. But. . . so few people are actually talking about the issues unless they can use them to bludgeon their political opposites with them. Case in point, recent concerns about the safety and sanitation of the facilities at our southern border. Now, I live in a bordering state. I already know the situation has been getting worse and worse since before 2008. Nobody seemed to care until this year, and if you point that fact out, you're a racist. Everyone is reaching for that moral high ground, calling everyone who isn't with them a retard or a nazi. And God how I hate both of those words now. I'm just so tired of all the race baiting and the political agendas. I'm tired of being thought less of because I'm a white, Christian, straight, male from the south, and yet somehow I'm the racist pig. I'm tired of being called overly sensitive for daring to disagree with somebody, as though I'm arguing out of hurt feelings and emotion. . . by people who view the simple act of disagreeing as an insult or an act of violence to them personally, and respond in kind with insults. I've been told that bad things happen when good and sensible people stay quiet for too long. Well, I'm convinced that bad things happen regardless, because everyone seems to think they have the answer to all of the world's problems and don't need to hear out other solutions or opinions. So I think I'll just retreat to anime and games like so many people think I already have, go into isolation until everyone gets the politics and race baiting out of their system, and shut up. Because right now, I'm the five things that half the country hates right now, White, Christian, straight, male, and from the South. I stand no chance in the new real world. They'll put me through diversity training over and over again as soon as I look at the wrong person the wrong way. Every dollar I earn, every nice thing I acquire will be seen as something stolen or not deserved. I don't even know if I'm being overly dramatic now. God help me if I ever have to move to a big city. Look, I hate feeling like this. But I don't know where else I can go to vent it out. Nobody takes my fears and doubts and unwanted guilt over parts of me that are beyond my control seriously (which is rare for me since my friends and family are usually so supportive). And I just feel trapped by the constant obsession with race and politics I see these days. I just want to spend all day in bed, watching anime, or playing video games now because frankly, I'm no longer certain I'll be able to handle psychology training or any part of the new real world if the first thing about me that matters is what I look like and how I vote, instead of how much I care or want to help or improve myself in any given situation. I mean, I DON'T want to do that. . . but I do if it means living in peace, but I want to be strong and not shy away from this. It's complicated for me somehow and it never used to be.
  10. This all the way. I used to see a lot of peeps who would say being sober is worse and that they think more clearly under the influence. To which I would always respond with what sober4life said. So I'll just parrot them. If being sober is so bad and you can think better while intoxicated or high, then why are you asking for help at the same time? I'll take it a step further. Why do you even feel bad at all? Maybe this is really mean of me, but I'm having trouble understanding the problem here.
  11. Buddy, in coming here and posting at all, you're already helping. Peeps appreciate simply seeing they're not alone. Some feel encouraged when they see someone else reach out like you are right here. Anyway, on top of calling a suicide helpline when you need it, consider getting medical help if you haven't already. Severe depression is like this awful noise in your head that puts you in so much anguish that you can't even focus on getting through the day or night. Proper medication can give you long moments of peace for you to work on your life in a truly beneficial way. I also suggest seeing a therapist. A real good one, not the type to just fill your prescription and shove you out the door (been reading that such a practice is all too common in mental health). Medicine is important yes, but a temporary solution to your mental condition. Good therapy, even if it's just talking therapy, can supplement your recovery by helping you organize your thoughts to hopefully get to and deal with the core of your problems. Also, maybe tone down the nihilist stuff. Yes, we're all gonna be gone someday and most of us probably won't have much of anything to be remembered for. A lot of people have come to this realization, but the ones who hang on to it are the ones who get the most depressed in general it seems. What are you aiming for? Try survival, or bettering yourself, or improving somebody's day, or looking after somebody, or even just experiencing new things as simple as music, games, and shows. Is it so bad to enjoy a form of entertainment that temporarily relieves you of some stress? So long as you deal with the problem in some timely manner, I don't think so. It sounds like you're so hung up on the destination of your life, whatever that may be, that every bump in the road throws you into a panic. But these bumps are sometimes just that, bumps. If anything, they might make for entertaining stories to share with people too, or experiences and advice you can pass onto others who endure similar bumps. And now I've gone and rambled so I'll wrap it up. Your concern with what you're "aiming for in life" is not compatible with a nihilistic thought like "This all ends eventually". You've got anxiety issues for sure, but that takes a ton of work to deal with, so for now, I think your best move would be to push the nihilism out of your head as hard and as often as possible. That's my advice that I think works the best. I'm no pro, just a graduate hoping to get licensed someday, so take it with a grain of salt. Good luck and keep us posted. Far as I know, the forum takes no issue with users who think they aren't helping.
  12. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight, so I thought typing some stuff out might help slow my mind down. I don't make it a point to keep actual progress reports on my overall life, but I do find it helpful to document the progress I do make on the forum so that I can turn to my past self to remind me that I am slowly changing for the better. So, here goes a general report of my feelings towards certain aspects of my life. My hope is that somebody else can compare this to my older more depressing posts and see that it's not impossible to improve their life in little ways. Skills: I've gotten a fair bit better at sewing recently. Was able to mend two big holes in my brother's shirt, so that felt really good. Really, it's just nice to help preserve something, even if it's just a sleep shirt. Part of me actually kinda looks forward to finding new holes along the seams of my clothes so I can practice sewing some more. I definitely don't regret asking my Mama to teach me this extremely useful skill now. My cooking hasn't improved much though. I feel I've hit a mental wall that keeps me from experimenting more in the kitchen. It'd be nice if I could get over it. Would like to try cooking more fish to help encourage my dad to mix up his diet a bit more. Sociability: I've done several video game streams in an attempt to get me a little less shy around strangers. I'm still not very comfortable in groups though. I tend to not think I have much to offer, but I guess I'm also reluctant to put myself in a group for fear of being pressured to conform to some group hive mind mentality. Makes it hard to meet new people, but I've met a couple and even reconnected with an old friend. Getting out of my comfort zone can be helpful, but I'm starting to wonder if I should push it since I really do better in one on one conversations. Romance: I've made a lot of progress on this front. I don't mean to say I'm dating anybody, but I've kinda accepted the fact that, even though I'm 27, I'm still just not ready for any romantic relations. I'm not self-sufficient, and am thus, unable to make meaningful promises. Will I ever be? I hope so. I'm certainly working on it. Still, despite the fact that I've pretty successfully moved on with my life, and am even able to have normal interactions with my ex and her fiance again, it's difficult sometimes to not look back on the short time I had with my ex and feel anything but regret. I know that's not a good way to feel about my first relationship of that nature, but it is what it is. I can only hope that given another year or three, I'll have matured past having any regrets over that, because I don't think I can do anything to force myself to get over it anymore than I already have. Career: I'm taking the GRE on May 4th. If I get a good score, it will help my chances of getting into graduate school. My goal remains the same; earn a master's degree, get LPC certification, become a counselor, and become self-sufficient so I can ditch the government's pity money they send me every month for being legally blind. If I'm being honest though, I feel my career is my weakest aspect of my life. I'm overly anxious about the future, and not in a helpful way that drives me to work harder at building a bright future for myself. I find myself trying to make contingency plans for scenarios that aren't even that likely to happen, leading to a lot of wasted effort and sleepless nights over stuff that won't even matter if I get into grad school. Mama tells me that I need to have faith, otherwise I'll agonize over every unknown for the rest of my life. She's right, but it's hard for me to let things go. Maybe this is my punishment for all those years of acting like a snobby atheist and looking down on everyone in high school? In any case, stress management is still something I need a lot of work on. Overall, I'm cautiously optimistic about all of this. Looking back, I can clearly see I've changed for the better. I've learned some valuable lessons about when to stop trying to help people and just be a harmless listener, thanks to a very good friend of mine. I've become a bit more comfortable expressing myself in creative ways. I probably pay too much attention to politics and what the mainstream media says still, but maybe my optimism in spite of all the negativity I see in the media is a sign that I've gotten better at not letting others control my feelings so much. That, and I'm sure the anti-depressants have helped. That's all for now, but please feel free to talk about your own progress if you like. I really do think it's important to acknowledge progress when it happens and document for your future self when times are rough. Speaking from experience, I feel the severity of my depression has lessened ever since I started coming here sometimes to take note of the positive changes in my life, both internal and external. If you made it all the way through this lengthy post, congratulations to you. You deserve a reward, but I don't have one to give, so I'll just say shine on.
  13. Ah yeah. I know that feeling all too well. Without making it all about me, I'll just say I had my doubts about my instincts after I had to get my gallbladder removed. For years, I'd have that exact same conversation with myself that you had with yourself. After doing it about 5 or 6 times in two months, I finally realized that I just shouldn't allow myself to try and self-diagnose. For what it's worth, I don't think you were wrong to consult a doctor about your leg. Especially if you're not used to injuries like that and the weird healing process involved. Feeling pain is where I draw the line and actually call my doctor, so that's why I say that. You know, the brain does this really weird thing where just thinking about pain in an isolated part of the body causes an aching sensation in that part. I forget what the actual name for it is, but it's a thing that I think everyone should be aware of when healing from a physical injury. Heck, my leg has been aching ever since I read about your injury. Haha! Please try not to be too down on yourself for the doctor visit. A clean bill of health is nothing to be sad over. I think your life is valuable enough to warrant a little extra caution while your fibula heals anyway.
  14. Yeah. The idea is to one day earn an LPC (or LPCC depending on where you live). To do that though, I have to go back to school. No two ways about that one.
  15. As many of us may have heard, endorphins can help fight off the depression, and one of the most common ways of getting them flowing is through exercise. So, I wanted to start a topic asking the community here what they do to get their endorphins flowing. Do you do a light workout? An intense workout? Is it all in your diet? Maybe it's none of these things and you've found something else that has been making your depression easier to manage. I'd like to hear about them if you don't mind. I'll start off by saying this; since my older brother (who has also battled with depression) has been nagging me since December to exercise, I can't deny that I've been able to bounce back a little faster from my depressive episodes. My older brother also reports that his workouts have helped him kick his antidepressants entirely. I workout for only 10 minutes a day everyday, except for Wednesday (gotta take a break somewhere). The idea for me is to do a light amount of exercise everyday, that way it's easier for me to make it a part of a routine and not hurt myself with intense exercise twice a week like I did with some of my other failed attempts to make exercise a part of my life. I focus on muscle building exercises because I hate cardio with a passion. Anything to stay off the treadmill. I didn't really notice a difference at first, but after doing this for a full month now. I can't deny that I've at least been able to sort of get over my recent depressive episodes much faster. I actually had a very bad one two days ago that left me curled up and crying. Used to be that such an episode would last at least four days for me. This time though, I was back to normal in just a day and a half. Thank God for my brother. I never would've started this without him. I guess I should thank my doctor too, since he was the one who strongly advised I start exercising in the first place, and he had the good sense to say it out loud in front of my brother too.
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