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About psycholuigiman

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 03/22/1992

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  • Gender
  • Location
    College Station, Texas
  • Interests
    Video games of many a genre, psychology, and friendship.
    That is to say, true friendship that lasts a very long time.

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  1. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight, so I thought typing some stuff out might help slow my mind down. I don't make it a point to keep actual progress reports on my overall life, but I do find it helpful to document the progress I do make on the forum so that I can turn to my past self to remind me that I am slowly changing for the better. So, here goes a general report of my feelings towards certain aspects of my life. My hope is that somebody else can compare this to my older more depressing posts and see that it's not impossible to improve their life in little ways. Skills: I've gotten a fair bit better at sewing recently. Was able to mend two big holes in my brother's shirt, so that felt really good. Really, it's just nice to help preserve something, even if it's just a sleep shirt. Part of me actually kinda looks forward to finding new holes along the seams of my clothes so I can practice sewing some more. I definitely don't regret asking my Mama to teach me this extremely useful skill now. My cooking hasn't improved much though. I feel I've hit a mental wall that keeps me from experimenting more in the kitchen. It'd be nice if I could get over it. Would like to try cooking more fish to help encourage my dad to mix up his diet a bit more. Sociability: I've done several video game streams in an attempt to get me a little less shy around strangers. I'm still not very comfortable in groups though. I tend to not think I have much to offer, but I guess I'm also reluctant to put myself in a group for fear of being pressured to conform to some group hive mind mentality. Makes it hard to meet new people, but I've met a couple and even reconnected with an old friend. Getting out of my comfort zone can be helpful, but I'm starting to wonder if I should push it since I really do better in one on one conversations. Romance: I've made a lot of progress on this front. I don't mean to say I'm dating anybody, but I've kinda accepted the fact that, even though I'm 27, I'm still just not ready for any romantic relations. I'm not self-sufficient, and am thus, unable to make meaningful promises. Will I ever be? I hope so. I'm certainly working on it. Still, despite the fact that I've pretty successfully moved on with my life, and am even able to have normal interactions with my ex and her fiance again, it's difficult sometimes to not look back on the short time I had with my ex and feel anything but regret. I know that's not a good way to feel about my first relationship of that nature, but it is what it is. I can only hope that given another year or three, I'll have matured past having any regrets over that, because I don't think I can do anything to force myself to get over it anymore than I already have. Career: I'm taking the GRE on May 4th. If I get a good score, it will help my chances of getting into graduate school. My goal remains the same; earn a master's degree, get LPC certification, become a counselor, and become self-sufficient so I can ditch the government's pity money they send me every month for being legally blind. If I'm being honest though, I feel my career is my weakest aspect of my life. I'm overly anxious about the future, and not in a helpful way that drives me to work harder at building a bright future for myself. I find myself trying to make contingency plans for scenarios that aren't even that likely to happen, leading to a lot of wasted effort and sleepless nights over stuff that won't even matter if I get into grad school. Mama tells me that I need to have faith, otherwise I'll agonize over every unknown for the rest of my life. She's right, but it's hard for me to let things go. Maybe this is my punishment for all those years of acting like a snobby atheist and looking down on everyone in high school? In any case, stress management is still something I need a lot of work on. Overall, I'm cautiously optimistic about all of this. Looking back, I can clearly see I've changed for the better. I've learned some valuable lessons about when to stop trying to help people and just be a harmless listener, thanks to a very good friend of mine. I've become a bit more comfortable expressing myself in creative ways. I probably pay too much attention to politics and what the mainstream media says still, but maybe my optimism in spite of all the negativity I see in the media is a sign that I've gotten better at not letting others control my feelings so much. That, and I'm sure the anti-depressants have helped. That's all for now, but please feel free to talk about your own progress if you like. I really do think it's important to acknowledge progress when it happens and document for your future self when times are rough. Speaking from experience, I feel the severity of my depression has lessened ever since I started coming here sometimes to take note of the positive changes in my life, both internal and external. If you made it all the way through this lengthy post, congratulations to you. You deserve a reward, but I don't have one to give, so I'll just say shine on.
  2. Ah yeah. I know that feeling all too well. Without making it all about me, I'll just say I had my doubts about my instincts after I had to get my gallbladder removed. For years, I'd have that exact same conversation with myself that you had with yourself. After doing it about 5 or 6 times in two months, I finally realized that I just shouldn't allow myself to try and self-diagnose. For what it's worth, I don't think you were wrong to consult a doctor about your leg. Especially if you're not used to injuries like that and the weird healing process involved. Feeling pain is where I draw the line and actually call my doctor, so that's why I say that. You know, the brain does this really weird thing where just thinking about pain in an isolated part of the body causes an aching sensation in that part. I forget what the actual name for it is, but it's a thing that I think everyone should be aware of when healing from a physical injury. Heck, my leg has been aching ever since I read about your injury. Haha! Please try not to be too down on yourself for the doctor visit. A clean bill of health is nothing to be sad over. I think your life is valuable enough to warrant a little extra caution while your fibula heals anyway.
  3. Yeah. The idea is to one day earn an LPC (or LPCC depending on where you live). To do that though, I have to go back to school. No two ways about that one.
  4. As many of us may have heard, endorphins can help fight off the depression, and one of the most common ways of getting them flowing is through exercise. So, I wanted to start a topic asking the community here what they do to get their endorphins flowing. Do you do a light workout? An intense workout? Is it all in your diet? Maybe it's none of these things and you've found something else that has been making your depression easier to manage. I'd like to hear about them if you don't mind. I'll start off by saying this; since my older brother (who has also battled with depression) has been nagging me since December to exercise, I can't deny that I've been able to bounce back a little faster from my depressive episodes. My older brother also reports that his workouts have helped him kick his antidepressants entirely. I workout for only 10 minutes a day everyday, except for Wednesday (gotta take a break somewhere). The idea for me is to do a light amount of exercise everyday, that way it's easier for me to make it a part of a routine and not hurt myself with intense exercise twice a week like I did with some of my other failed attempts to make exercise a part of my life. I focus on muscle building exercises because I hate cardio with a passion. Anything to stay off the treadmill. I didn't really notice a difference at first, but after doing this for a full month now. I can't deny that I've at least been able to sort of get over my recent depressive episodes much faster. I actually had a very bad one two days ago that left me curled up and crying. Used to be that such an episode would last at least four days for me. This time though, I was back to normal in just a day and a half. Thank God for my brother. I never would've started this without him. I guess I should thank my doctor too, since he was the one who strongly advised I start exercising in the first place, and he had the good sense to say it out loud in front of my brother too.
  5. Howdy I don't know what you do for a living, but it might be a good idea to do some light exercise every day. Not so much that you hurt the next morning, but enough to burn off some energy and get to bed earlier. Waking up earlier can help you get to bed sooner too. Plus, waking up earlier and exercising regularly, even on days off, tend to make one feel more productive and generally a little happier. Of course, night time is unavoidable, so you'll still need something else to think about, even if the nights are shorter. Do you have any hobbies that involve a little creativity? Like, I stream video games, so at night before bed, I like to think of jokes or topics that I might want to use in the stream, or maybe what game I'll play for my tiny viewer base next. Thinking about that sort of thing might help distract you while you try to wind down for the night. If you don't think you have any hobbies to really think about, then maybe consider ways to push your comfort zone. Doesn't have to be anything drastic like going out to some concert or whatever. It could be as small as trying a food you aren't sure you'll like, or even smaller, watching some show you wouldn't normally watch. I'm just throwin out random ideas here though. Hope the nights get easier for you. Shine on.
  6. Thanks for the encouragement. I mean, I guess this is sustainable in the sense that I get to eat and sleep comfortably every day. What I want though is to get to a point where if, God forbid, something terrible happens to my parents, I'll still be able to live comfortably. It's rough when ya keep getting older, but are still completely dependent on your parents to let you live with them. Sure, I use what the government gives me for disability pay to help with some of the bills, the rest I save for later. Like, I know I'm not a total leech or a burden. It's just, I can't help thinking about the future and how screwed I would be in every sense of the word if I didn't have both of my parents. That's all I mean. That's just a worst-case scenario though. Like I said, hopefully I'll get my act a little more together than not at all someday. At least it doesn't seem as impossible as it did back before I got a bachelor's degree.
  7. I usually only ever come here when I'm feeling like crap. I wanted to not do that for once though. So I guess I'll just say I'm doing alright for now. Things don't feel so awkward between my ex and I. I get along with her fiance on a pretty normal basis. I'm spending time with my friends whenever they have time. I'm waking up early in the morning to see my dad off to work and apparently he really appreciates the extra company in the morning even though my mom is always there for him too. Because of that, my sleep schedule is actually decent a lot of the time lately. Doc said I'm very healthy, but could use some more exercise to raise my good cholesterol. Older brother has been keeping me on a manageable workout regiment. I mean, I'm still jobless, not even in the process of going back to school like I should, not confident in my future, pretty sure I'll not ever have the kind of family life I always wanted, but things used to feel a lot worse. I probably shouldn't tempt fate like this, but maybe one day I'll manage to put all my doubts and inhibitions behind me so I can finally make a sustainable life for myself.
  8. Howdy, June. You've helped me out a lot in the past. I was beginning to wonder if you still had problems at all. This is an interesting issue. That word, "toxic" has a lot of different meanings to a lot of different people nowadays. I see it get thrown around so often that it has lost some of its meaning to me. I'm getting totally sidetracked though already. Anyway, I'd say that nobody in the world is pure. We've all got our personas that we think are best suited for society. Even if we have a kind heart, we know we shouldn't say or do certain things that we want to sometimes. Try to think of the "toxic" part of you as your shadow. It's with you always and can sometimes take on a shape that is much larger than you, making you think that it is all you are. It's not like that though. You're so much more than that. I hope that makes sense. I'm not very good with analogies sometimes even though I try to use them all the dang time. For what it's worth, I don't think being "toxic" around your friends makes you a bad person, nor do I think taking jabs at each other is bad either. I would think that your circle of friends and family ought to be the safest place to let your shadow out. After all, you can't suppress anything forever, so why not let it out a little bit around people who know you are more than that? I know I'm making low-brow jokes, taking jabs at my friends and family, and saying racist stuff for a cheap laugh around my friends and family on a pretty regular basis. That doesn't make me a racist or a bad friend, and by the same logic, you're not a bad person for saying bad things around your friends. Of course, it has to stop somewhere. There is a line that shouldn't be crossed and lucky for me, my friends will eventually tell me so if I cross it and I'll know never to go there again. My family won't even let me cross it. If you still feel bad about it, I suggest asking your friends to set the record straight for you. Ask them in all seriousness if you've gone too far recently and if you need an attitude adjustment, and then go from there.
  9. I accept your apology. Now quit apologizing. If you ever doubt that putting yourself out and trying is worth anything, you should try to remember that you and I never would've met had you not given me a chance. I mean, I still like talking to you. One day, I wanna play a game or watch a show with you. I know I don't regret offering a hand to you or the times we've just hung out in Discord. Anyway, you know where to find me. If you think you can't give up, then that's good. As much as you're apologizing, you ain't wronged me nearly bad enough for me to turn my back on you. I'll still be around when you're ready to just talk friendly like and stuff. Good luck, and I hope I ain't ever said anything to offend you. If I did, I'm sorry. I know I can get a little aggressive and desperate with my words sometimes and I end up saying stuff that can hurt more than it helps.
  10. The time for being sorry is over now because I've already forgiven you. IIt's not really that wanting to be happy is too vague. It's that you seem to stop at that want and don't consider all the ways you can do that. You don't plan to be happy, you want it to fall in your lap. You're too impatient with yourself and the world. When you try to improve your life and the change isn't immediately noticeable, you get frustrated and decide it isn't meant to be.If you have an uncomfortable or awkward interaction with someone, you blame yourself and decide you're not a good fit for that person. If somebody doesn't share all of your interests, you decide for them that you wouldn't be a good friend for them. At least, these are things that I've noticed you do. Quit deciding for everyone what they want from you. Quit telling me I've wasted my time. I say when it is a waste of time, not you. Think about what might make you happy. What has made you happy in the past? I know you've been happy before. For crying out loud, you got a compliment and encouragement from one of your favorite voice actors in person! Did that make you miserable? Might I add she is a model example of what we can accomplish by overcoming our mental issues too AND you held a perfectly normal conversation with her. Proof that it is possible and that it can lead to wonderful things. Don't be afraid to get sappy with yourself. I happen to have a note with an encouraging message written by me posted right next to my monitor. Acknowledge this much: There is some goodness out there with your name on it. Times are bad, but they will be good and then they'll be bad again, only to become good again. Happiness is earned through hard work and determination much more than it is given freely.
  11. Maybe this is really rude to ask, but do you even want help? I mean, I want to help you. I even tried to help you. Clearly these nice folks want to help you. Yet, you shoot down every suggestion and perspective. I've known you for a little while now and I think part of you doesn't even want to try anymore. That same part of you revels in being a victim who has their life set in stone by other people. So could you set the record straight for me, your friend who is STILL your friend, psycholuigiman? Do you want to be your better self or not? If not, then I'm done trying to help you on this for a while. I'll never give up on you forever, but I know better than to keep trying to think of ways to help someone who doesn't really want my help. If you do want your life to be better though, then you have to expect your life to get better. It's not enough to want something in life, you have to expect it, make plans for it. I want a Nintendo Switch, I have no plans in motion to save up the money for it, thus I don't expect to get one soon. Understand what I'm saying? Is it gonna happen over night? NO. Is it gonna be easy? NO. Are you gonna want to give up again? YES. Is life gonna put you down? YES IT WILL and it will keep you there if you let it. I happen to think that you're too young to just give up and resign yourself to what others have put before you. As bad as the stuff you've seen and dealt with has been, I don't think you've earned the right to give up on everything you wanted out of life. But what do I know? I'm just a little bit older than you and my life has been stagnant for the past 7 years. Maybe I should give up too. Lord knows many people didn't expect me to get this far in life in the first place. You seem to have life figured out, so maybe I should be following your example. Since we're talkin about a general sense of hopelessness and loneliness, how about the approaching Winter, right? Boy I hate this time of year. It's cold, the skies are usually overcast, the year comes to an end with a ton of things being unfinished or not even started, friends leave me to spend time with their family and romantic partners, I get to be reminded of my single status and my failed attempt at romance almost every day until after February, my mom gets depressed if she gains weight and I have to see her go through that, there's a convention I won't be going to this winter again cuz of my travel anxiety, and so much of the food of the season is hard for my stomach to handle. Of course, then Spring comes and it warms up, the sun comes out, I remember to do a few things before I get bogged down by the rest of life, friends come back with funny stories, romance stuff goes back down to a more tolerable level, my mom eats healthy and loses that weight again, I can take more day trips to see my grandparents and wok on my travel anxiety since the weather is nicer, and with Summer around the corner, my favorite veggie (zucchini) will be in season soon. Boy, that Winter sure is hopeless and lonely though. Not like Spring, which comes right after Winter. Please tell me some of this is getting through to you.
  12. Wow, I'm kinda surprised at the response to this topic. It certainly is refreshing and encouraging to see so many people are just as tired of the state of things as I am. From different walks of life and perspectives too. How about that? I feel like I could actually discuss specific political issues with you guys (but I won't cuz I know that's very stressful even among friends). I guess a lot of it just comes from me being lazy. I don't have any job and I'm a bit lazy to do any productive hobbies on a routine basis, so I just end up going on 5 hour binges of alternative media videos and articles on the web instead. One thing leads to another, and before I know it, I've read or heard about every politically fueled violent act that's occurred in the last month. I don't watch the TV news anymore cuz I think they're all more about entertainment and propaganda than reporting these days (except for local news in the morning before I see my dad off to work), but one of the downsides to internet news is the comments some people leave. Bad enough I'm hearing Antifa is talking about bringing pipe bombs to someone's house, but then there are a lot of people condoning and even supporting such actions. That's the stuff that really scares me because I know that to the likes of Antifa, I definitely have the wrong opinion.
  13. Alright, I've tried to be nice and a little vague about this in the past, but I can't take it anymore. I'm so freaking stressed out about the political and social climate of the U.S. right now. It's slowly gotten worse and worse ever since 2008, and now, 10 years later, it's no longer safe to have an opinion, let alone talk about it. I see it everyday, not just on the news, but on the web too. People attacked or harassed, property damaged or outright destroyed, cowards inciting mobs into violence and terrorism, voices shouted down and silenced. It's just all so much and a new act happens more than twice a week every week. I've voted. I've written to my congressman, my senator, my president, and my local government officials. Every new week I expect to wake up to the news that another civil war has broken out. I'm lucky to live in Texas. Antifa doesn't seem to terrorize places that are known to have a lot of guns in the hands of citizens. That's the only good thing about all this though. At least if those crazy extreme leftists come to my town and start attacking people and damaging homes, I know somebody won't stand for it (I don't use guns cuz I'm legally blind, otherwise I'd get a CHL and carry protection). Sound extreme? Well, it is. There have been over 600 reported incidents of people harassing just Trump supporters. That's not including all the people who get harassed just for having the wrong opinion. Over 180 of those reported incidents were physical attacks on people and/or their property. What am I supposed to do? Half the country has gone crazy and the other half isn't even allowed to defend themselves in a lot of cases. Even if they do defend themselves, sometimes their lives are completely ruined anyway, their private information is doxed and put on display for the whole world. False accusations stick with them to ensure they never advance in their career( assuming they still have one or can get one), College professors attempt to indoctrinate all who enter their classroom, yet I need a Master's to land my dream job one day. I don't even want to talk about the blatant racism and sexism that is now approved by the worse half of the country. And no matter who is in charge, they will vote along party lines, not along moral values. You might be thinking, "Oh, every side in every issue has some moral merit to it." I implore you to show me the merit in ruining somebody's life based on false accusations with no evidence and so called witnesses that can't even remember the time, place, who was around, and what they were doing other than "He did it for sure." You know, I said Texas was safer earlier, but I forgot about the caravan of people about to force their way into every Southern border state. So many of them, fleeing from a country that they already messed up in. I've even heard of one guy who got deported and is hoping to break back into the U.S. and somehow get pardoned for his crimes.Sometimes I think I'll do like them and just head somewhere else. God knows I love my country, but I'm tired of dealing with this. Then I remember that most places in the world are going through the same thing right now, or something even worse! I can hardly vent about this to anyone. My mom is probably even more stressed out and frustrated than I am. My Dad just gets angry and makes threats that would get him in trouble were he to ever carry them out (not that he would), my brother is oblivious because he can't remember who's doing what anymore, my best friend is the same, and my other friends sometimes mock me for living in a red state, so I doubt they'd understand or be willing to listen. Hell, they might even be under the impression that Antifa actually fights fascism as opposed to blocking traffic, harassing people, and doing property damage. I don't know! I'm too afraid to ask them! I'm too afraid to say almost anything. I actually wrote this out twice now. I deleted it the other time, but for some reason I'm trying to submit it again. Sorry this is so long, this has all just been driving me nuts and it doesn't seem like it's getting any better. I hope I'm not breaking any rules.
  14. Howdy, Alone27. Thanks for sharing. Your sharing of your problems has really put my own problems into perspective. I wish I knew of a way to help you deal with it all. It would be nice if we could just put every old day behind us, forgive ourselves, and not be burdened by what we did or didn't do. Still, we're here to support you. I do believe therapy is an excellent idea in your case. You might not think you'd talk all that much to a total stranger in person, but a good therapist is trained to ask the right questions. The kind of questions that make you want to express yourself. A good therapist will use their experience dealing with similar cases to help you on the road to recovery. As for the dating thing. I actually do kinda know how you feel there. We live in weird times where despite all of the social movements to accept and love people of all kinds, no matter what they look like or what conditions they have, looks and social status still matter a lot. I'm just gonna try and wait it out. Either I'll luck out and somehow find a nice gal who shares a mutual and unconditional love with me, or enough time will have passed for more peeps to treat romance like it's actually important and not just a trip to the store to find the best man or woman on the market. (Seriously, I see stories about people in their mid to late 20s breaking up so they can "trade up". Makes me angry hearing about that). Try not to lose all your love and hope. My grandpa didn't get married to my awesome grandma until he was 42 from what I've been told (I guess he's actually my step-grandad, but he's around more often than my real one so. . .), and my dad tells me one of his coworkers has just recently found a girl he could get serious about at the age of 54. Hell, one of my good friends is now engaged to my ex at age 32. What I'm trying to say is that you never know how old you'll be when you find someone to settle down with. So, just live your life one day at a time, take a chance on someone every so often, and I'm sure you'll find who you're looking for. (Now I just need to repeat this to myself and take my own advice for a change. Haha!) Good luck. We're all hoping you feel better soon. Shine on.
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