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About psycholuigiman

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    Junior Member
  • Birthday 03/22/1992

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  • Location
    College Station, Texas
  • Interests
    Video games of many a genre, psychology, and friendship.
    That is to say, true friendship that lasts a very long time.

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  1. psycholuigiman

    Recently Broken Up?

    I'm no stranger to talking about my old relationship on this forum. I've probably talked about it way more than I ever should have, but it just keeps coming to the front of my mind whenever I lay down to sleep. The words she told me right after the break up. Basically telling me she hopes I'll find somebody else and that I still have a chance at love. That was supposed to make me feel better, but what she said haunts me almost every night. I don't have a chance in love. I'm not sure I ever did. My mind latches onto the negative and holds onto it forever. This break up happened late last year and I'm still not over it. I guess I'm better than I was the week after it happened, but I feel like I've reached a plateau. I still have vivid memories of the horrible way I was treated by other kids when I was 10 years old. I'm 26 now. If I can't let go of painful memories that are more than 11 years old, I fear I'll never move on completely from this break up that happened so long ago already. I can't change for the better either. My tendency to never forget the negative is with me for life. Just like my other negative qualities, my low confidence, my tendency to let fear dominate my life, the fact that I'm legally blind. None of that will change and it will likely overshadow whatever redeeming qualities I have for the rest of my life. What good is my compassionate soul when I don't have the confidence to take a compassionate action? What good is a warm heart full of love when paired with a cold mind that only desires self-preservation because of so many negative memories that won't go away? What good is anything in the face of a disability that will always make a normal life impossible for me? It's just. . . that line about how I still have a chance in love. It feels so disingenuous. Sweet words meant to make her feel better, rather than me. I want to believe it so badly. I'm so tired of feeling like this at night. I'm glad I've at least reached a point where I can be happy that she found somebody else, and even hang out with her in a group of mutual friends sometimes. I sometimes honestly wish we had never met though. That's a despicable thought to me. Wanting to erase someone's existence from your mind. It's awful and I hate myself for thinking that. Anyway, I just really needed to vent about this for the umpteenth time. I hope to God my ex hasn't been watching my pitiful display this whole time. It might make her feel bad and she doesn't deserve that. I guess that's another reason this sucks so badly. I know that every time I get like this, it's exactly what she didn't want me to feel like. Letting myself down is something I do often. Feeling like I'm letting the people I care about down though, that hurts a lot more.
  2. This is true too.
  3. psycholuigiman

    Getting over someone that has already moved on

    I know I'm late, but I went through a break up late last year and felt I should give my two cents. On top of trying to focus on you and taking care of yourself and trying to expand your horizon, also try to be patient. It's not unusual to still think about old relationships months after the break up. So, don't get too frustrated or depressed with yourself if you find yourself wishing for things to be the way they once were from time to time. It can be a very long healing process, so be gentle, steady, and patient. Good luck.
  4. I see this a lot. I experience it too. Have a friend on a Discord server who kinda goes mad with despair when nobody in the server is around to chat with him. A lot of people seem to get the wrong idea and assume it's just a plea for attention though.They assume somebody else will be around to give lonely people attention, not realizing that lonely people wouldn't be lonely if they already had people to talk to. Me? I get lonely in terms of romance and stuff. Sometimes I manage to not think about my pathetic romantic life, but other times, like tonight, I remember how hard I failed as a boyfriend and feel like I'll be alone forever. I try to fill the void by interacting with friends, chasing happiness in a similar way to what you described, but never feeling very full. All that to say, even though I feel what is probably a different kind of loneliness, I think I understand how you feel. That feeling of being unwanted. And if I'm wrong about that, then I know that friend I mentioned knows exactly how you feel. Basically, I'm trying to say you're not alone in feeling lonely to the point of being brought to tears. I hope you find some comfort on this forum. I try to check the forum on a regular basis, so feel free to PM me or continue posting on this thread if you wish to talk some more.
  5. psycholuigiman

    Overwhelmed by the Amount of Things Depressing Me

    Thanks for replying. I guess that really is the best advice I can take right now, and of the things on my mind, the only one that I can actually do something about is the job and school thing. Maybe if I get something going in terms of a job or getting into graduate school, the rest will fall into place. I agree with you. It's not a competition to see who suffers the most or least. I just wish more people saw it that way. I kinda expect to just be smacked in the back of my head nowadays for daring to be sad. Between what I see on the news, TV shows, movies, and the internet (especially the internet), it just really looks like I'm not allowed to feel anything except good for myself and pity for everyone else. I don't know. I'm just confused and afraid to express how I'm really feeling most of the time because part of me worries about being called something I'm not. I actually think it's hereditary too, the depression I mean. My mom took medicine for it, my brother took medicine for it, my grandmother on my mom's side took medicine for it. However, bad genes or not, I have to do something about it because I can't live the life I want while having all this stuff on my mind at the same time. Not that you were suggesting I just accept my genetics for what they are and stop fighting depression. Just rambling at this point. Sorry. I do appreciate the reply.
  6. It's ridiculous. I was doing so well for a while, but things just feel like they're adding up and whatever mental gymnastics and exercises I have been practicing aren't enough even with the antidepressants I'm on. I'm depressed because I feel I have no ability to make a decision in my life. I'm at a point where I could either find work with my Bachelor's in Psychology, or continue on and try for a Master's. However, the thought of making this choice terrifies me and I end up doing nothing to reach towards either goal every day. What the Hell is wrong with me? For crying out loud, I had a friend on this very forum with worse issues than me, no high school diploma, yet they still made a choice to do something once they realized they had some options. My indecisiveness is depressing to me. I'm depressed because of the social climate of my country, the U.S.A. I've never cared much for politics or agendas, but it seems like everywhere I go, there's someone telling me to be ashamed of myself for being a white, middle-class, conservative, male. It feels like because of my skin color and the thing between my legs, and a handful of my values, all of my thoughts and feelings and problems will be invalidated should I ever express them. My frustration with the general public is depressing to me. I'm depressed because I lack any artistic outlet. While many of my friends leave some small mark on the world and have small circles of fans who enjoy and support their talents, I can only wallow in past achievements. What limited talent for singing and playing video games that I do have is hampered by a lack of passion and diligence to continue singing and playing when nobody is there to listen or watch. My lack of creativity and passion is depressing to me. I'm depressed because even after looking at what I've done with my life so far; a Bachelor's in Psych, a small but trustworthy group of friends, a 2nd degree black belt in Kuk Sool Won Martial Arts, a handful of fun video game streams hosted by me, gratitude from close friends whom I helped cope with difficult times, and a few awards for succeeding in school despite being legally blind, I still don't feel much satisfaction. Some people never get any of these things and live happy lives. Will I never feel fulfilled no matter what I do? My dissatisfaction with my life despite all that I've actually done is depressing to me. I'm depressed because my past shortcomings keep crawling to the surface of my thoughts. Namely, my most recent and first romantic relationship that I've mentioned way too many times on this forum. Everyone else has already moved on. Nobody else is thinking about it. Why can't I let go already? I'm thankful for the experience I had, and I'm thankful I've reached a point where I can at least spend a little time with my ex in a group of mutual friends, but my self-pity and tendency to doubt myself has me constantly regretting my actions and hanging onto that regret as if it will somehow benefit me. My inability to let the past go after I've learned from it is depressing to me. In the face of so many seemingly nebulous sources of depression, I just don't know what to do sometimes. Every thought I have feels like it's in opposition to another thought I'm having at the same time. It's like my mind is always foggy and dark, when all I want is clarity and light. It makes me irritable towards the people I love and disrupts my sleep schedule. I don't know why I'm even posting this. I know deep down I'm the only one who can put a stop to this. I'm just so frustrated with so many aspects of my thoughts., but because I also feel my frustration isn't valid enough to express in any way that I am capable of, that frustration and depression just continuously builds inside of me until I start to collapse under the weight of it all.
  7. psycholuigiman

    Antidepressants and Stomach Problems

    So, doc ended up telling me to continue to take the antidepressants in 5mg doses along with my old prescription strength ant-acids that I had weaned myself off of. With that and a brief diet change, I've gotten used to the 5mg dosage and can finally appreciate the benefits of the antidepressants with manageable side effects. Doc says he wants to keep me on the low dosage since I'm pretty small and have a fragile stomach that gets a lot out of everything that goes into it. Just thought I shouldn't leave this up in the air. Wanted to give some kind of update.
  8. I need help here. Doc started me on 5mg of lexapro about 4 days ago and ever since then, my gerd and gastritis have been making my life miserable. I can barely eat, I never have an appetite, and I'm losing weight (down to 103 pounds now). Is the burden on my stomach going to get easier as I continue to take it? Should I be taking some other antidepressant to make it easier on my stomach? Please, help me. I'm at the end of my rope here. My family keeps telling me I'm the one making this worse with my own anxiety activating my gastritis and gerd, but I just don't know anymore.
  9. I guess that is worth a shot. I've never tried asking my friends to accommodate me like that. My extended family in Louisiana never really did, so I thought it was just rude to go somewhere and not eat what the host is serving. Like, even though they know about it, they insist on serving things like spicy beef meatballs and spicy crawfish etouffee. Usually ended with me skipping the meal and asking my parents to take me to the store to buy some bread and ham so I could eat at the hotel or wherever we were staying. Thanks. There's no telling when I'll get a chance to gather with friends again, but I'll try to work up the courage to take this advice to heart next time.
  10. Honestly, it means a lot just to hear somebody tell me they think I've been through a lot. I don't know if it's because I compare my life to others or if I just don't take the good things in my life for granted, but it's always been super hard for me to look at where I am and admit to myself how much I've faced. I'm always scared I'll end up being a whiner. Even in my original post where I listed off the barriers to long distance travel I face, I felt self conscious and thought I was just whining and not trying hard enough to handle the situation. So, thank you for that much already. I know I shouldn't look to other people to validate the struggles I go through and I am working on that, but I really do appreciate just being told "It sounds like you have quite a lot to deal with". Anyway, I wouldn't call the things I do to survive accomplishments. The real accomplishments happened years ago as it was all happening. Diet changes, looking for new foods, and stuff like that were very hard and I found out the hard way in a lot of cases what I couldn't eat anymore. All I have to do for planning meals is make sure I have chicken, pork, ham, bread, and turkey based substitutes for everything beef, and I can survive. I can even have Swiss cheese and mozzarella cheese oddly enough. For some reason, those are the only two types I can eat in decent portions without terrible consequences. Of course, I try to get what few veggies I do like in when I can. It's just that, when I travel for more than a day, I can't really plan my meals. At a certain point, eating out becomes my only option and it is a risky one. Fast food places almost always fry their chicken that they put on sandwiches, making that a no go (not to mention the grease on top of that). More high end restaurants are a safer bet, but it's kinda astounding how many places I've been to that don't know how to grill a chicken breast. Feels like a 50/50 chance for whether or not the place I'm eating at actually knows how to grill chicken. What's really awkward is when friends want to go eat someplace with food that will wreck me. Like sushi, which for some reason doesn't sit well with my stomach (I guess raw fish just doesn't digest easily enough for me?). What am I supposed to do there? Sit around and stare off into the distance while everyone else eats, probably feeling sorry that they invited me to join in a meal I can't eat? I don't know. Like I said, I just feel completely trapped. If I can't bring enough food to last me on a long trip, and eating out is like playing Russian Roulette with my stomach, what else can I do? I'll admit I can work on the anxiety part by venturing out in baby steps, but that will only solve part of the problem, won't it? No matter what, if I get on a plane to visit a friend or a relative or go on vacation to Disney World or something, that limited diet barrier looks like an insurmountable challenge. I guess I should clarify that I'm the only person in my family or group of friends with such severe stomach problems and the only other blind person I know is my brother. Some people I know have GERD or are missing a gallbladder, but nobody I know has this wacky combination that I do. What I mean is individually, none of this stuff is too much to handle, but I'm just at a loss for how to deal with them in a long distance travel scenario where all of it is working against me to stress me out and make me sick.
  11. psycholuigiman

    I'm Not Real and I'm Worthless

    Thank you. I'm better now and that is due in part to you guys on the forum here. It honestly sounds too good to be true though, my occasional posts saving lives here, I mean. As part of my effort to not close myself off though, I'll take the notion that I'm a hero as your genuine belief, Epictetus. Anyway, like I said, I just really needed to vent and make the pain I was feeling known. I'm certainly no stranger to being betrayed by people who called me family. Well, "betrayed" is a bit strong, but I think you know what I mean. Still though, it really hurt to have someone practically deny my very existence. You think you know a person and then they wave all of the things you went through together as a fun distraction at best. It really has been a long time since I got hurt like that. Must've been 2002 when somebody was so cruel as to throw me out like that. In any case, it's over now. Life is gonna be a little harder with one less friend to lean on sometimes, and I've really gotta work on that paranoia I get about my other friends, but honestly the day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I said what I needed to say to the guy, told him to enjoy his "new season" and made sure to remove him from all of my social media lists that I could remember. Didn't block him though. Not sure if I'm stupid or a saint, but I like to keep lines open. Just feels wrong, preventing a person from speaking to me ever again. Not like he committed a criminal act against me or anything like that. BLEH! I'm rambling again. Just wanted to give an update and a thank you. The really messed up part in all of this is that the guy has his own anxiety and depression problems. Apparently he even went to therapy for PTSD. He was always a little superficial, but not towards people. I guess it goes to show that their really is no "us" and "them". Until today, I've always seen folks who suffer or have suffered in the past from depression and anxiety problems as just being more compassionate. I guess it isn't always true though. At some point, after recovering and thriving for a while, I guess some people just move on entirely, completely forgetting how much help they needed to get back up and how much compassion they had to receive before feeling worthwhile again. GAH! RAMBLING AGAIN! Sorry. I'm really good at typing. My fingers just kinda move as I think about what to say and before I know it, I end up with a short essay on the matter! Thanks again.
  12. psycholuigiman

    I'm Not Real and I'm Worthless

    So, someone I thought was my friend just told me i"m not real. He once called me his brother. He stayed up with me talking to me many times when I would stress out and I returned the favor by doing the same for him, or at least I tried to. I'm having a hard time with the feelings in me right now. I'm boiling with anger that someone who went through so much with me would basically tell me he didn't have any use for me and that he'd rather pretend I wasn't there so he could spend all of his time with best friends who are "real". I'm nearly in tears over losing one of my only friends and one that I thought was so close. I can now officially count all of my friends on one hand. I'm terrified and paranoid that maybe none of my friends see me as "real". That they'll see me as having nothing to contribute and cast me out. Then I'll be left with absolutely zero friends and with no job or school to go to, that will be my lot in life. My parents will die, my brother will die and I'll be left to die alone because I'm the youngest. I feel like I can't ever trust anybody again. My stomach hurts, my chest hurts, I feel nauseous. I haven't felt this crappy since my first panic attack. I'm not so much looking for answers here. I'm venting my fears and anger in the only way I know how. Some part of my sanity is still clinging to the idea that I am real. That aside from letting my fears stop me from traveling to Canada to join some friends at a convention, I'm an honorable and genuine friend. It's just, when somebody you trusted literally says that you're last season and that he's moving on to the new season, it's hard not to feel more worthless than re-runs of TV drama or an anime or something. It's going to be a hard day for me.
  13. I'll cut straight to the problem. I'm legally blind (20/200 vision) and I have GERD, gastritis, and my gallbladder was removed at the end of 2012. I feel like I have A LOT working against me if I try to travel.Being legally blind makes it hard to see where I need to go at airports and it prevents me from driving at all, as well as finding my way in new places. Gastritis causes my stomach to just produce extra acid when I eat and when I'm under stress. GERD causes the path between my stomach and esophagus to not close properly, so that when paired with gastritis, I become very susceptible to heartburn and stuff like that. Without my gallbladder, a lot of foods have trouble digesting, and paired with GERD and gastritis means I am on a strict no beef, no fried food, no greasy food, limited dairy diet. At best, on a relaxing day, I can maybe eat fast food for one meal every 3 or 4 days. It doesn't help that I'm a picky eater with a taste for most meat and cheese over fruits and vegetables. I feel completely trapped by all of my biological problems. It feels like there are about 20 more things that can go wrong for me while traveling, that other people don't have to worry about as much. Back in College, I couldn't even handle going to the West side of campus (my university was massive) without freaking out. I need help with this. I've sidestepped travel my whole life, only ever going if somebody like my parents were doing the navigation, but even then that was years before all of my stomach problems developed. I've reached a point in my life where I am missing out on so much because of this. I should be in Canada right now, hanging out with my friends at a conventions, meeting them in person, shaking their hands and hugging them and all that stuff for the very first time. Instead, I'm sitting alone in my bedroom at my parent's house, hating all of the I let get in the way and having a very hard time trying not to hate myself for letting all of that get in the way. Because of my negligence towards my travel anxiety, I've let myself down very hard. Even worse is that I lied to my friends about it and blamed money as the reason why I'm not with them. I always thought that when I needed to, I would just get over it. However, I was born legally blind, I developed gastritis in 2008, then GERD in 2011, and had to get my gallbladder removed in 2012. Now it's 2018 and if anything, my travel anxiety has somehow gotten EVEN WORSE, to the point that even just living alone in a place that isn't my home, has left me looking for graduate school opportunities that are close enough for somebody to drive me to while I live at my parent's house. Somebody, please help. I only know how to survive with all of the things I've been given. I haven't thrived since before 2012. I can look on the bright side all I want, like how all of this forced me to a healthier diet, or how I get certain financial benefits for being legally blind, or how some prescription strength medicine helps me keep my stomach under control on normal days. However, I don't feel like any amount of positive thinking is going to help me escape the extra problems my body causes me. I need something else, something I haven't thought to try yet, otherwise I'm gonna be trapped forever. :'(
  14. psycholuigiman

    How can I move on from a good break up?

    Thanks for the advice. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with this very well. I wanted to really think on what everyone said. I think you're all wonderful because there is absolutely some sage-like truth in what you all said. velvetpuddles' for telling me not to worry so much about meeting people while I'm in my current situation that makes socializing so hard to do. Here2Help2, for dissecting my comments and showing me the error of my cognitive distortions. Sophy for the great metaphor. Seriously, it helps me deal with that side of me now that I'm looking at it as my inner child, rather than as a twisted version of my adult self with equally twisted thoughts. Like, instead of getting mad and yelling at myself all the time, I can console myself like my parents would do for me when I was younger. June322, for giving me a different perspective on the break up itself. All I could think about was how I got the bad end of the deal since nobody was waiting to catch me. I also thought any normal and decent person would've been over it by now. In case it wasn't obvious, I'm not very patient with myself. When things don't work out for me, I hold myself accountable usually and start punishing myself. In this case, I immediately blamed myself for it ending. "If you want something bad enough, you'll work hard enough for it. If you fail, then you didn't want it or work hard enough for it." These are some words I was raised on ever since I was a child. I mean, I'm not an absolutist. The notion that things don't always work out isn't totally foreign to me. It's just. . . I don't know, hard not to feel like it's all my fault. It makes me super depressed when I think of this old relationship failing because I was too lazy or content to do anything or notice that it was failing. I guess when I get right down to it, the reason I'm so depressed and obsessed with this isn't really just because I'm single again after getting a taste of love, or because my ex immediately found somebody else waiting for her. It's because I feel I let myself down. I feel I didn't do nearly enough because the relationship ended and I have no idea how I can make it up to myself. All I could do was cry about it and secretly hope for a second chance with her. I mean, literally nobody has shown a hint of anger or disappointment in me for how things turned out. In fact, most people who know about the break up are proud of me for not making it worse. My ex was especially grateful for not causing a scene or starting an argument that would permanently end our friendship. So, it's not like anybody else thinks I screwed up. Thanks again for the advice everyone. If anyone else has any more thoughts, advice, or wants to share their own break up experiences, I invite you to post it. As for me, I guess all I can do is make it up to myself for placing such ludicrous expectations on myself. Treat myself with the same sensitivity I would treat a child that is crying alone on the playground. Give myself more time to recover. Take care of myself by exercising, eating my meals instead of skipping them, and doing the things I want to do. I just know that when I feel I've let myself down, I have to make it up to myself before I can let it go. Sorry for such a long reply. I wish I could give a prize to everyone who reads all of it. Thanks again for helping. I hope this is the last time I need help with this.
  15. psycholuigiman

    I have a crush but i suffer from depression

    Yeah, what lonelyforeigner said. It won't last forever. You're only like, the 4th person I know who actually worked up the courage to tell someone how they felt (myself included), but I think it's normal to not feel that great about it right after. Especially if you're not talking with her anymore. I think the important thing to take away is that you did it. You said what you needed to say. Whether you would've tried to hide it for another year or the rest of your life, this might've happened anyway and you might've gone completely insane. Now that you've done it though, you can look to the future. It's not only safe to abandon that relationship for the time being, but it's necessary and you can do that knowing that you did everything you could've done to make it happen. Not everybody gets that piece of mind. It's not going to be a breeze. You'll likely still think about her a lot, but you can take the piece of mind that you got from this and remind yourself that it's time to let that go. And don't do like me and so many others and start thinking that you'll never get a chance with someone special. Don't do that. Use this opportunity to take better care of yourself than you've ever done before in your life. Keep yourself clean, try to eat right, do a little more exercise, try to talk to new people, get professional help from a therapist if you can afford it. You don't have to make big improvements right away either. Just try to make gradual changes to improve yourself like never before. Somebody else will take notice and with some luck, you'll find someone to fill the void. Hang in there, and while you're hanging in there, the forum is here for you. At least, all of that is what I've been trying to do and tell myself since my ex broke up with me. It works, but some days are still rough. However, I still survive partly because I'm working on myself for the future and I believe you can survive too if you do something similar. Don't ever give up. You've lived this long with all of this torment, so you're stronger than you even know. I think you're strong enough to one day become better than ever. Hopefully some of that gave you a little bit of courage and strength. My heart truly does go out to you.