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About psycholuigiman

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  • Birthday 03/22/1992

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  • Location
    Baytown, Texas
  • Interests
    Video games of many a genre, psychology, and friendship.
    That is to say, true friendship that lasts a very long time.

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  1. I guess I'll make my case since I used to think about this a lot. There's a perspective of psychology known as the humanistic perspective. I'm sure you and many others know of it, so I'll just briefly explain it. It states that each individual is driven to act in a way that leads them to self-actualization. That's an almost zen-like state where your mind is in harmony with your surroundings. You're not too worried about anything, you're secure and living a sustainable life, you're happy with your life. That's the short version of it (hope I didn't get it wrong). Generally speaking, not being nice, never going out of your way for anybody ever, stuff like that can weigh on a good person. And since the humanistic perspective sees the general population as inherently good (and maybe a little selfish and misguided at times if you ask me), then I'm left to assume you're a good person too, and an abandonment of your nice guy conscience would end up weighing you down eventually. You can't afford to have anything else in your life weigh you down. None of us can. That's my case. Now my advice. Whatever happened to you, talk about it with some people you still trust to listen to you. Let whatever you're going through roll off you once you fully grasp what happened. Then, take it in moderation. It's okay to be cautious. There are still ways to be a nice guy without putting too much of yourself out there. Figure out some of those ways and let time and good experiences begin to heal your wounds. Please, do shine on.
  2. To a lesser extent, I and my family were also outcasts. I didn't find out until I was much older, but it turns out nobody thought my parents would still be married after 30 years. Then when both their sons were born legally blind (20/220 in both eyes), not just the extended family predicted my and my brother's failure in life, but people in the agencies and systems that develop children (school, after school programs, and so on) were predicting our failure too. To this day, I'm not sure my parents made the right choice telling me about just how much the odds were against me and our family. On the one hand, it's empowering to look up at my Bachelor's hanging on my wall, my black belts tucked away in my drawer, a couple choir trophies on the shelf, and say to myself "And I'm just getting started". On the other hand though, when the pits of despair trap me, and I remember all the predictions about me, and I look at my brother who sadly dropped out of college and still has no way to sustain himself, I begin to wonder if they were right and everything has been just a fluke so far. I'd keep fighting out of spite though. Anything to prove myself right. It took a very good friend I met on this forum to show me that spite was corrupting me though. That I was no longer pursuing success because it's what I really wanted, but because I was angry at people for doubting me. It added an extra layer of pressure that was crushing me at the time. I don't know if I'll ever be as confident in my purpose as Floor2017 sounds. I hope I can be, whatever that purpose is. I can't deny I feel a certain calling when it looks like I can help a person in need though. There were other factors that contributed to my feeling like an outcast, but that's all I wanted to say for now. Shine on everybody.
  3. So, despite feeling and sounding like a crazy person, I ended up adding a long conversation with myself to my bedtime routine. Instead of forcing myself to sleep and inevitably laying awake thinking "I hate myself" over and over, I've been trying to do some introspective work on myself. I guess my problem now hasn't been the same as it used to be. Used to be, all I knew was school, cartoons, and video games, and that made me feel useless. I thought getting some new hobbies would just fix me. I guess it kinda did for a long time, but I suppose it's not really enough to make me feel secure. Having a dialogue with myself has helped me so far. Thank you for your concern. And oh my God, the day I can finally live in my own place for good is the day I get a cat. (Brother is allergic and parents hate cats, and none of us want a dog).
  4. Epictetus, you're such a hero on this forum. It means a lot to me that you'd say something similar to me. Thank you. I guess I forgot what real life heroes are like. So, thank you for reminding me. Depressedgurl is right too. I let my inner critic stomp all over everything that I am and have done. I tried to shut it out, but that made it worse. It would really help if I could nurture that part of me. I imagine that inner critic is there to keep me from getting a swelled head (a bad habit I used to have in my mid teens). Sadly, I have no idea how to do that. mmoose asked about the show I was watching. It was an anime called Golden Times. Recently started getting episodes in English. It's a romance about a university student who lost his memory right after he graduated high school. He has to make some tough choices about the love of his old life before he lost his memory, and the love of his new life since getting out of the hospital. I guess this show set me off because, as I'm watching him just make the most of his new life and have a ton of fun doing it, while glimpsing into his old life and seeing how loved and appreciated he was, something petty rises within me. I mean, I don't want that kind of harsh choice in my life, but I do want people to love me all the same. Then, that inner critic chimes in to tell me I haven't earned it and that I never will. That's the point I had to turn it off.
  5. I must be developing some kind of seasonal depression, because I'm having more trouble staying positive and secure in my beliefs than ever before now. I find myself thinking stuff I only ever thought back when I didn't even realize how severe my depression could get (back in college, I mean). Feels like I'm constantly in need of some kind of validation lately. Like I can't be certain that my family still loves me, or that my parents are still proud of me (not that I ever understood why they were proud to begin with), or that my friends still like me, or that things will turn around and get better if I keep moving forward somehow. For some reason, I just can't keep all of these insecurities from getting into my head lately. It's maddening. To think something I know not to be true over and over again, faster than my brain can even process so that any attempts to logic my way out of these thoughts is just met with these insecurities being shouted in my head ad infinitum. How can I validate myself like this? I can't just break down and start crying every time I feel this way. I can't just expect other people to validate my life for me, can I? Yeah, we're social creatures, but I don't want to get my sense of security solely from other people, because what happens when other people aren't around? For God's sake, I'm getting so bad that I couldn't even watch this romance show that I usually anticipate every week, all because while I'm watching it in the back of my head I'm thinking "How sad. Do you think watching this will somehow ensure you get to live a happy and fulfilling life? That'll never happen." As if I have any way of knowing my future right now. That's when I drew the line and came here to type this out. I'll deal with the brief moments of hating myself and thinking everyone else hates me before I go to sleep every night, but the moment I can't even enjoy some alone time with something new, that's how I know I need to vent or something. It's kinda my thing to say this now. I always value other people's perspectives and stories. I get a lot of insight from reading replies from y'all. So, tell me how you validate your life and how you regain a sense of security in your relationships. That is, if you don't mind.
  6. I hate the holidays quite a bit. It brings an excess of togetherness, peace, and fun to some people, but not for me. Not these days. Everyone in my extended family is slowly dying off or losing their minds. Christmas and Thanksgiving are no longer allowed to be openly celebrated without risk of ridicule and hatred from certain extreme groups. I wouldn't be surprised if some group of people finds a way to fill even the birth of a new year with hatred and division. I have a loving family, but my desire to stay informed on current events is probably what makes this time so miserable for me. Much more than the looming shadow of death over my extended family, failed goals for the current year, or temporary sting I get from not having a romantic partner to snuggle up with.
  7. Oh jeez, guy. I feel like a jerk for saying this, but all this pain is just something you're gonna have to be patient with and let it go away as you move on to other things in your life. I don't know how old you are. Maybe this means less coming from an almost 28 year old guy who thought he'd be living his dreams by now, but well, that's where I'm at. Acceptance helped me out a lot. Not just from myself, but from a few friends and family. Accepting where I am in life and the responsibilities I have. Accepting that my dreams were more ambitious than I thought they were and that it's just going to take a lot more time and effort to reach them. Accepting that maybe dreams shouldn't be rigid goals, but constantly evolving aspirations. Take the girlfriend and family thing for example. I had a girlfriend once. It was awesome. Then, we broke up due in some part to my not doing nearly enough for the relationship. Now it's 2019 and the horror stories I hear about relationships turned into legal battles terrify me. Perhaps it was a dream better left on the back burner until I'm older? I also used to want kids of my own, but to spare you a long explanation, I eventually altered my dream to adoption instead. If I can't have my dream career by the time I'm 30, then I'll aim for 40, or 50. If I decide my dream career isn't worth it, I'll aim for a life of comfort with disposable income. I guess the main idea isn't just to accept that things are bad. Clearly, you know you're sad and you know why. Accept that you have responsibilities, that people count on you, and that you have it inside you to make things better. Accept that it is possible your past self underestimated just how hard it was gonna be to get those dreams and that maybe you don't even want those dreams anymore, like my brother who leads a happier life not worrying about his failed dreams than he ever did in college stressing out over how awful the professors were. Accept that the past is in the past, and those memories are oh so sweet, but they can't sustain you. I promise, even though times are so sad now, they can and will improve. The holidays will be over soon enough, for one thing (I know I'll be thankful for that too). I hope you feel better soon, and I hope my rambling was of a little bit of help. Acceptance may have worked for me, but I totally understand it may not work for you in the same way. It's kinda just my unspoken rule to try and say something practical-ish. Guess I should learn just to say you have my support sometimes. Haha. Have a very happy holiday.
  8. Gotta be honest, I think I needed to see this. Been having sleep problems, my schedule is weird, and it forces me to be isolated while everyone sleeps. But, as you said, it's a new day. Tomorrow will be a new day too. I'll get back to a normal sleep schedule eventually. When I do, it's gonna be freaking awesome! Oh, I'm so excited and looking forward to that now. Thank you.
  9. Hey, I used to do this to some extent. I'm afraid I can't offer much, or any practical advice though. There came a time in my life where certain conditions were met and I blew up around the right people (my closest family members) over my thinking there was a hidden message. We talked about it and they had told me something I had never thought of before. I'll paraphrase and share it now. We don't want you to feel bad, but you know how horrible you feel when you fail to get your message across? Well, imagine how we feel now that we know part of you has been getting a different message than what we have been saying. That's the end of that paraphrase. It sort of opened my eyes to the importance of not only conveying my ideas properly, but understanding others too. That every time I did that hidden message thing, I was setting up to make someone feel as bad as I do when I don't accurately convey my ideas to a listener. After that, I guess the guilt I felt was just so bad that I was able to start forcing myself to take people, or at least people that I'm close to, at face value. Of course, then I had to learn that miscommunications are just a part of life, and that the more I communicated with people, the more it would happen. But it got better. So, I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that I believe you can make this habit stop. It's just, like pretty much anything worth getting good at, it will take a lot of time, effort, patience, and acknowledgements to improve. I hope somebody else comes up with something more practical and helpful. More importantly, I hope you are one day able to freely control when you take things at face value and when you search for a hidden message.
  10. Thanks, to everyone who saw this, and especially to Epictetus and Atra. Against all my gentle suggestions, my close friend did his stream yesterday. Fortunately, a mutual friend took interest in the stream and my close friend did sorta change his mindset, which he reported helped him a lot. I'm still worried about his spending habits. I've been down this road with another friend before. Back then we'd hang out two or three times every time I returned home from college, like clockwork. Now he can't afford a phone, or internet and I don't know where he lives so that friendship has dissolved (at least, that's what I heard from his mama at Wal-Mart). Of course, it might have dissolved anyway since I don't think he was too keen on my suggesting he save his money for those rainy days frequently. I suppose my trying to be harmless worked out for his stream. I just hope it works out on his overspending before he becomes homeless. 😞
  11. I sorta just wanted to vent about this and maybe get somebody else's perspective, cuz more perspectives are usually a good thing in my book. Anyway, ever since a certain and recent little argument with a beloved friend of mind where I knowingly stepped out of bounds to try and talk some sense into said beloved friend who was in desperate need of being told what he didn't want to hear, I've kept in mind an old saying I once heard, though I can't remember where from. Sometimes, it's best to be harmless instead of helpful. I think it means that despite our desire to help somebody in an active and direct way, we'd be better off just being as neutral as possible. I do believe this saying is true, but God is it hard for me to follow. It completely goes against my desires to speak my mind and get to the root of a problem that I know how to solve for a friend in need. Case in point, that same beloved friend is in serious need of someone to help him watch his spending. The guy spends hundreds or even thousands of dollars on games and game equipment every month, but he can't afford healthcare or insurance, for example. Even worse, when he buys a new game at full price, he wants to stream it that same day, and when people don't show up to watch because of any number of decent reasons ranging from a lack of interest in the game to simply wanting to experience the game for themselves before watching somebody else play it, he gets very depressed and feels betrayed. So, here we are. Another week, another new release, another 60 bucks that really should be saved up for something much more important. Do I say anything? No, but God knows I want to. I did let him know how badly I don't want him to get bummed over the lack of stream participation at least. I give him advice on things he can do to maybe feel more secure in himself, but it hardly seems like he's taking it to heart. So, as hard as it is for me, I'm deciding to be as harmless as I can be and to just try and be there for him if things go the way I think they might go. Dear reader, lemme know your thoughts, both on my situation and the validity of being harmless instead of helpful sometimes. Maybe share your own experiences with this sort of situation if you don't mind sharing. I know I sure don't mind reading.
  12. I don't think it is possible for me to agree with a sentiment more. Stagnation is not the only contributor to depression, but it is a massive one. Even somebody without an actual depressive disorder will feel like they have one if they feel they stagnated for too long. The key word here is "feel". Using a personal example, my depression was at its worst while I was in college working towards a bachelor's degree. Logically speaking, my life was not stagnant. I had friends I'd talk to and I was working towards a big step in my lifelong goal. That's not what it felt like though. Only in the moments when an outgoing friend would ask me to go to a piano bar, or watch a play, or when I would try to learn a new trade like sewing or cooking a new recipe, did I feel that stagnant haze start to lift around me so that I could see the light all around me, so to speak. Heck, even those super brief moments when I'd buy a new game or find a new show to watch broke the stagnation for a short time and made me feel happy. So, yeah, I'd say stagnation is a huge factor in depression. To combat it, I highly recommend learning how to do something new, or doing something you haven't done in a while. Just look around your life and ask yourself what you need? Do you have a bunch of torn seams and holes in your clothes like I did? Maybe pick up sewing. Is your diet full of processed and frozen dinners? Maybe its time to learn how to cook.Do you have a broken appliance? Perhaps you can take it apart somewhat and put it back together to fix it like my brother did with his Xbox360 controller. Whatever you do though, dear reader, remember to be patient and acknowledge when you do a good job, no matter how sloppy the attempt was.
  13. Welcome back. Sorry you're not here for a happier reason. The forum still has its share of supportive people eager to listen, relate, and maybe even offer practical advice to anyone asking for it. So, please, fill us in if you don't mind. How has your life been? I hope you don't feel ashamed or anything for coming back for help. Relapses are extremely common (and frustrating) when talking about depression and anxiety disorders. I, for one, also find myself coming back here to rant about the things that depress me.
  14. Buddy, you're too young for all of this. You've barely lived a quarter of your life and you're calling it a lost cause. Think about that. Imagine reading the first quarter of a book, or watching the first 6 minutes of an episode of a show, or playing just up to the first dungeon in a really long game and deeming it so bad that it's a waste of space. That's not right, and I'm sure you know that. Take it from a huge nerd guy who also didn't go to any dance, nobody was talking about this stuff for more than an afternoon. I listened and most people wanted to forget that they spent money on that night because it was so boring. I don't think you're missing all that much. Certainly nothing to envy to the point of adding it to your list of reasons to want to die. Congrats on actually asking two people out by the way. That's two more than I ever worked up the courage for. I know people who tried a lot less harder than you who got even more depressed at the time (me for example). I also know people who tried even harder and still got shot down every time who were even less depressed (my old best friend, for example). She gave me some sage advice back then. Told me what's done is done and that she didn't see any point in getting depressed over it. Said she rented some movies that weekend and made her own fun, but now I'm getting sidetracked. Point is, you tried real hard, it didn't work out this time, but at least you tried. Be proud of that at least and take a small comfort in the fact that it's just one night that will probably be forgotten by the end of the month by all in attendance. You seem like you're way to caught up on past tragedies to make any improvements to your personal life. I know it's rough. I lost my own grandpa and grandma some time ago, but your first priority needs to be to put the past behind you. For me, a faith in some afterlife where my grandparents sometimes watch me with pride in their hearts helped me. Is it imaginary? Probably, but whatever helps is good enough for me. It got me to stop crying long enough to see life moving on without me. Another thing that isn't helping you is insisting that everything has always been awful. It's not true (because you told us as much), and saying that in your head over and over again is making you hold onto your past even more. If you're like I was, you tell yourself that and then you search your memories for everything that confirms that story. It's not healthy though. I dunno what else to say. All I do know is that by sheer coincidence, my mom once reminded me that I looked forward to school in what I thought was a time that I hated school. Clearly my own bad memories didn't tell the whole story and I'm betting it's the same with you and a lot of other people. Lets say you manage to put most of the bad past behind you. Now you're worried about a nuclear war that may never happen. I don't mean to make light of your anxiety, but logically speaking, that isn't very likely to happen. Every major country knows that every major country has nuclear weapons and launching a single one is pretty much a big sign that says "HIT THIS COUNTRY WITH ALL THE NUKES". With all of the requirements and permissions a military facility needs to activate one, it's not likely that somebody will attempt to star a nuclear war without realizing that they're going to get nuked right after they start it.It would take a lot of illogical, very dumb people in very specific places with very specific authoritative power. Rest assured, we're not in danger of becoming the world of Fallout games anytime soon. Look at it this way. What if there is a nuclear war that erases everything. . . or what if there isn't and everything will be fine? If the latter happens, you're worried over literally nothing and making your life exponentially worse over it. If the former happens, you're worried over things beyond our control and are making your life exponentially worse over it. That's the thing about the future. You have to be able to take a step back, pick and choose the things you can actually have some semblance of control over in your life, and leave the rest up to luck or faith or whatever force drives the universe. This has gone on way too long though, so I'll try to wrap up by saying this; I think you're going about your quest for happiness in the wrong way. You can't be happy without a girlfriend, but you can't get a girlfriend cuz you're depressed. You've locked yourself in a self-sustaining cycle of misery and the only way out is to turn your energy to something else. If you took my two cents on the homecoming thing, then take this from me too. A girlfriend won't fix everything about you that you don't like. And if she leaves, it'll just add fuel to your miserable fire. It's too risky and the payoff isn't worth it. But I've said enough. I hope you get better and find some real help soon. I've seen enough kids talk about how their life will never get better come back to me with much happier and improved lives to know that there is still more than enough time and hope for you. Don't you dare waste that by committing suicide.
  15. I can relate to this. Reminds me of my later college days. I only had two or three classes to attend each week, no extra activities, no job, and the work load was very light. It was basically go to school for a few hours, go to my apartment, and go right into playing games or watching videos. A very lonely existence only made better by my brother and calls to my parents. I never did learn how to best handle living alone. Didn't like the typical college life of alcohol and parties, and being older than everyone else made me feel out of place and socially awkward around all the younger people (granted, I was only 4 or 5 years older at the most, but still). I think living alone is just a lifestyle some people are more accustomed to than others. Don't beat yourself up over having these issues. They're actually very normal for a lot of people, even without depression making it worse. Sorry I can't be of more practical help, but I saw this and it just kinda resonated with my old college days.
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