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psycholuigiman

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About psycholuigiman

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 03/22/1992

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Baytown, Texas
  • Interests
    Video games of many a genre, psychology, and friendship.
    That is to say, true friendship that lasts a very long time.

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  1. Thank you very much, mmoose. You make a lot of good points. Points I already knew, but forgot in my anxious ranting. So, thank you for reminding me. I guess I get so swallowed up by the hate I see around me that I start to think it's directed at me in particular. Yeah, it's true I see a lot of people who would openly say the world would be better off without my kind, but nobody I actually care about has ever said anything that comes anywhere close to that. Or maybe I just get so stressed out being told by the general population that I should feel guilty for even existing and I crack under all of it even though my days of being an obnoxious little scamp are behind me back in Junior High. In any case, you're right, I shouldn't generalize. It's entirely possible people care more than they appear to. Even if I don't play the name-calling game, I'm not being very productive in assuming whoever I'm talking to is only there to throw shade at a person they don't like under the guise of actually caring about the issue. Still, I feel like "hated" is a pretty apt descriptor a lot of the time. I had a twitter account for all of 10 months at one time. Then the Black Panther movie came out and a lot of people said how they really feel about my kind with the #CancelWhitePeople showing up soon after and trending. I remember in that moment thinking there were a handful of crazy people on the platform, just like anywhere else, but when nothing was really done about all the threats of violence, a clear violation of the ToS, I guess that's how it all started for me. I began to feel like even if nobody was actually saying they'd come after me and my family for the color of out skin or our beliefs, they were either thinking it, or would just sit back and let it happen. Of course, getting the heck off of Twitter really helped out in the long run, but I guess thoughts like that will always come creeping back into my head anytime I try to get updated on current events. You know, because no matter what time we're in, the ones about race and politics will usually make the headlines right after the ones about death. Doubly so if it's a death caused by racism or political stuff. Anyway, thanks again for all of the support. I still worry a lot about what I'll do and how I'll get by as a psychologist in this new real world that seems to expect me to lie about my beliefs. I already had to take a short course on sexual harassment where I was told men are bad and will hurt women and I should feel bad and always believe everything a woman tells me under all circumstances. That left such a bad taste in my mouth. It'll be a while before I build up a tolerance to being spoon fed that kind of stuff, but like mmoose so eloquently said,
  2. Thanks everyone. I ended up just taking a couple days to ignore everything and it was pretty nice. I hate to say it, but ignorance really is bliss. But then again, I'm not really that ignorant. I hate being wrong or incorrect more than is healthy for me. I research and make sure whatever or whoever I got my sources from can be trusted. I don't always get it right of course, but it's more than even some of my friends can say. Sharing my side or view on things though isn't really welcome nowadays thanks to my political affiliation. Seems the only place I can talk about it is in echo chambers and that really sucks. I don't know where I was going with this, but no matter where it was, I owe you guys a lot for just letting me post all of that without negative consequences. I feel like my relationship with politics is just too complicated for me sometimes. On the one hand, I love the exchanging of ideas. On the other, I hate all the moral grand-standing and virtue signalling that comes with the territory. On the one hand, it drives me crazy to see so many people talking so big and never actually giving a damn or planning to help in the ways they claim they would. On the other, it terrifies me to think what would happen if some of the loudest people actually followed through with their ideas and I thank God they aren't able to follow through. I'd go on, but y'all get the idea. I wish I could make a place or a group that cultivates the aspects of politics that I enjoy. I'm not apposed to learning after all. Heck, I'm not even apposed to picking a side in an argument, just not a political party that I'd always die and argue for. But I've rambled on long enough. Thank you all again. Your support, however small or insignificant you might think it is, is greatly appreciated.
  3. The internet is more exhausting and infuriating than ever to me recently. Maybe it's only because I recently tried looking for other things to watch and read on the internet, but all of my most hated aspects of the internet are now totally unavoidable unless you dig into the distant past or watch stuff from the Asian countries. Everything is all about race and politics now. How many white people are on the show? How many men are on the show? How many colored people are on? How many women? How many trans? How many bi? I'm exhausted from it every day, but what am I to do? Not much for a legally blind 20-something year old to do out here. Especially if he doesn't drink alcohol. I don't want to spend all my days watching anime and playing games. I want to stay in touch with the issues of the world so I can hopefully make an informed decision about voting. But. . . so few people are actually talking about the issues unless they can use them to bludgeon their political opposites with them. Case in point, recent concerns about the safety and sanitation of the facilities at our southern border. Now, I live in a bordering state. I already know the situation has been getting worse and worse since before 2008. Nobody seemed to care until this year, and if you point that fact out, you're a racist. Everyone is reaching for that moral high ground, calling everyone who isn't with them a retard or a nazi. And God how I hate both of those words now. I'm just so tired of all the race baiting and the political agendas. I'm tired of being thought less of because I'm a white, Christian, straight, male from the south, and yet somehow I'm the racist pig. I'm tired of being called overly sensitive for daring to disagree with somebody, as though I'm arguing out of hurt feelings and emotion. . . by people who view the simple act of disagreeing as an insult or an act of violence to them personally, and respond in kind with insults. I've been told that bad things happen when good and sensible people stay quiet for too long. Well, I'm convinced that bad things happen regardless, because everyone seems to think they have the answer to all of the world's problems and don't need to hear out other solutions or opinions. So I think I'll just retreat to anime and games like so many people think I already have, go into isolation until everyone gets the politics and race baiting out of their system, and shut up. Because right now, I'm the five things that half the country hates right now, White, Christian, straight, male, and from the South. I stand no chance in the new real world. They'll put me through diversity training over and over again as soon as I look at the wrong person the wrong way. Every dollar I earn, every nice thing I acquire will be seen as something stolen or not deserved. I don't even know if I'm being overly dramatic now. God help me if I ever have to move to a big city. Look, I hate feeling like this. But I don't know where else I can go to vent it out. Nobody takes my fears and doubts and unwanted guilt over parts of me that are beyond my control seriously (which is rare for me since my friends and family are usually so supportive). And I just feel trapped by the constant obsession with race and politics I see these days. I just want to spend all day in bed, watching anime, or playing video games now because frankly, I'm no longer certain I'll be able to handle psychology training or any part of the new real world if the first thing about me that matters is what I look like and how I vote, instead of how much I care or want to help or improve myself in any given situation. I mean, I DON'T want to do that. . . but I do if it means living in peace, but I want to be strong and not shy away from this. It's complicated for me somehow and it never used to be.
  4. This all the way. I used to see a lot of peeps who would say being sober is worse and that they think more clearly under the influence. To which I would always respond with what sober4life said. So I'll just parrot them. If being sober is so bad and you can think better while intoxicated or high, then why are you asking for help at the same time? I'll take it a step further. Why do you even feel bad at all? Maybe this is really mean of me, but I'm having trouble understanding the problem here.
  5. Buddy, in coming here and posting at all, you're already helping. Peeps appreciate simply seeing they're not alone. Some feel encouraged when they see someone else reach out like you are right here. Anyway, on top of calling a suicide helpline when you need it, consider getting medical help if you haven't already. Severe depression is like this awful noise in your head that puts you in so much anguish that you can't even focus on getting through the day or night. Proper medication can give you long moments of peace for you to work on your life in a truly beneficial way. I also suggest seeing a therapist. A real good one, not the type to just fill your prescription and shove you out the door (been reading that such a practice is all too common in mental health). Medicine is important yes, but a temporary solution to your mental condition. Good therapy, even if it's just talking therapy, can supplement your recovery by helping you organize your thoughts to hopefully get to and deal with the core of your problems. Also, maybe tone down the nihilist stuff. Yes, we're all gonna be gone someday and most of us probably won't have much of anything to be remembered for. A lot of people have come to this realization, but the ones who hang on to it are the ones who get the most depressed in general it seems. What are you aiming for? Try survival, or bettering yourself, or improving somebody's day, or looking after somebody, or even just experiencing new things as simple as music, games, and shows. Is it so bad to enjoy a form of entertainment that temporarily relieves you of some stress? So long as you deal with the problem in some timely manner, I don't think so. It sounds like you're so hung up on the destination of your life, whatever that may be, that every bump in the road throws you into a panic. But these bumps are sometimes just that, bumps. If anything, they might make for entertaining stories to share with people too, or experiences and advice you can pass onto others who endure similar bumps. And now I've gone and rambled so I'll wrap it up. Your concern with what you're "aiming for in life" is not compatible with a nihilistic thought like "This all ends eventually". You've got anxiety issues for sure, but that takes a ton of work to deal with, so for now, I think your best move would be to push the nihilism out of your head as hard and as often as possible. That's my advice that I think works the best. I'm no pro, just a graduate hoping to get licensed someday, so take it with a grain of salt. Good luck and keep us posted. Far as I know, the forum takes no issue with users who think they aren't helping.
  6. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight, so I thought typing some stuff out might help slow my mind down. I don't make it a point to keep actual progress reports on my overall life, but I do find it helpful to document the progress I do make on the forum so that I can turn to my past self to remind me that I am slowly changing for the better. So, here goes a general report of my feelings towards certain aspects of my life. My hope is that somebody else can compare this to my older more depressing posts and see that it's not impossible to improve their life in little ways. Skills: I've gotten a fair bit better at sewing recently. Was able to mend two big holes in my brother's shirt, so that felt really good. Really, it's just nice to help preserve something, even if it's just a sleep shirt. Part of me actually kinda looks forward to finding new holes along the seams of my clothes so I can practice sewing some more. I definitely don't regret asking my Mama to teach me this extremely useful skill now. My cooking hasn't improved much though. I feel I've hit a mental wall that keeps me from experimenting more in the kitchen. It'd be nice if I could get over it. Would like to try cooking more fish to help encourage my dad to mix up his diet a bit more. Sociability: I've done several video game streams in an attempt to get me a little less shy around strangers. I'm still not very comfortable in groups though. I tend to not think I have much to offer, but I guess I'm also reluctant to put myself in a group for fear of being pressured to conform to some group hive mind mentality. Makes it hard to meet new people, but I've met a couple and even reconnected with an old friend. Getting out of my comfort zone can be helpful, but I'm starting to wonder if I should push it since I really do better in one on one conversations. Romance: I've made a lot of progress on this front. I don't mean to say I'm dating anybody, but I've kinda accepted the fact that, even though I'm 27, I'm still just not ready for any romantic relations. I'm not self-sufficient, and am thus, unable to make meaningful promises. Will I ever be? I hope so. I'm certainly working on it. Still, despite the fact that I've pretty successfully moved on with my life, and am even able to have normal interactions with my ex and her fiance again, it's difficult sometimes to not look back on the short time I had with my ex and feel anything but regret. I know that's not a good way to feel about my first relationship of that nature, but it is what it is. I can only hope that given another year or three, I'll have matured past having any regrets over that, because I don't think I can do anything to force myself to get over it anymore than I already have. Career: I'm taking the GRE on May 4th. If I get a good score, it will help my chances of getting into graduate school. My goal remains the same; earn a master's degree, get LPC certification, become a counselor, and become self-sufficient so I can ditch the government's pity money they send me every month for being legally blind. If I'm being honest though, I feel my career is my weakest aspect of my life. I'm overly anxious about the future, and not in a helpful way that drives me to work harder at building a bright future for myself. I find myself trying to make contingency plans for scenarios that aren't even that likely to happen, leading to a lot of wasted effort and sleepless nights over stuff that won't even matter if I get into grad school. Mama tells me that I need to have faith, otherwise I'll agonize over every unknown for the rest of my life. She's right, but it's hard for me to let things go. Maybe this is my punishment for all those years of acting like a snobby atheist and looking down on everyone in high school? In any case, stress management is still something I need a lot of work on. Overall, I'm cautiously optimistic about all of this. Looking back, I can clearly see I've changed for the better. I've learned some valuable lessons about when to stop trying to help people and just be a harmless listener, thanks to a very good friend of mine. I've become a bit more comfortable expressing myself in creative ways. I probably pay too much attention to politics and what the mainstream media says still, but maybe my optimism in spite of all the negativity I see in the media is a sign that I've gotten better at not letting others control my feelings so much. That, and I'm sure the anti-depressants have helped. That's all for now, but please feel free to talk about your own progress if you like. I really do think it's important to acknowledge progress when it happens and document for your future self when times are rough. Speaking from experience, I feel the severity of my depression has lessened ever since I started coming here sometimes to take note of the positive changes in my life, both internal and external. If you made it all the way through this lengthy post, congratulations to you. You deserve a reward, but I don't have one to give, so I'll just say shine on.
  7. Ah yeah. I know that feeling all too well. Without making it all about me, I'll just say I had my doubts about my instincts after I had to get my gallbladder removed. For years, I'd have that exact same conversation with myself that you had with yourself. After doing it about 5 or 6 times in two months, I finally realized that I just shouldn't allow myself to try and self-diagnose. For what it's worth, I don't think you were wrong to consult a doctor about your leg. Especially if you're not used to injuries like that and the weird healing process involved. Feeling pain is where I draw the line and actually call my doctor, so that's why I say that. You know, the brain does this really weird thing where just thinking about pain in an isolated part of the body causes an aching sensation in that part. I forget what the actual name for it is, but it's a thing that I think everyone should be aware of when healing from a physical injury. Heck, my leg has been aching ever since I read about your injury. Haha! Please try not to be too down on yourself for the doctor visit. A clean bill of health is nothing to be sad over. I think your life is valuable enough to warrant a little extra caution while your fibula heals anyway.
  8. Yeah. The idea is to one day earn an LPC (or LPCC depending on where you live). To do that though, I have to go back to school. No two ways about that one.
  9. As many of us may have heard, endorphins can help fight off the depression, and one of the most common ways of getting them flowing is through exercise. So, I wanted to start a topic asking the community here what they do to get their endorphins flowing. Do you do a light workout? An intense workout? Is it all in your diet? Maybe it's none of these things and you've found something else that has been making your depression easier to manage. I'd like to hear about them if you don't mind. I'll start off by saying this; since my older brother (who has also battled with depression) has been nagging me since December to exercise, I can't deny that I've been able to bounce back a little faster from my depressive episodes. My older brother also reports that his workouts have helped him kick his antidepressants entirely. I workout for only 10 minutes a day everyday, except for Wednesday (gotta take a break somewhere). The idea for me is to do a light amount of exercise everyday, that way it's easier for me to make it a part of a routine and not hurt myself with intense exercise twice a week like I did with some of my other failed attempts to make exercise a part of my life. I focus on muscle building exercises because I hate cardio with a passion. Anything to stay off the treadmill. I didn't really notice a difference at first, but after doing this for a full month now. I can't deny that I've at least been able to sort of get over my recent depressive episodes much faster. I actually had a very bad one two days ago that left me curled up and crying. Used to be that such an episode would last at least four days for me. This time though, I was back to normal in just a day and a half. Thank God for my brother. I never would've started this without him. I guess I should thank my doctor too, since he was the one who strongly advised I start exercising in the first place, and he had the good sense to say it out loud in front of my brother too.
  10. Howdy I don't know what you do for a living, but it might be a good idea to do some light exercise every day. Not so much that you hurt the next morning, but enough to burn off some energy and get to bed earlier. Waking up earlier can help you get to bed sooner too. Plus, waking up earlier and exercising regularly, even on days off, tend to make one feel more productive and generally a little happier. Of course, night time is unavoidable, so you'll still need something else to think about, even if the nights are shorter. Do you have any hobbies that involve a little creativity? Like, I stream video games, so at night before bed, I like to think of jokes or topics that I might want to use in the stream, or maybe what game I'll play for my tiny viewer base next. Thinking about that sort of thing might help distract you while you try to wind down for the night. If you don't think you have any hobbies to really think about, then maybe consider ways to push your comfort zone. Doesn't have to be anything drastic like going out to some concert or whatever. It could be as small as trying a food you aren't sure you'll like, or even smaller, watching some show you wouldn't normally watch. I'm just throwin out random ideas here though. Hope the nights get easier for you. Shine on.
  11. Thanks for the encouragement. I mean, I guess this is sustainable in the sense that I get to eat and sleep comfortably every day. What I want though is to get to a point where if, God forbid, something terrible happens to my parents, I'll still be able to live comfortably. It's rough when ya keep getting older, but are still completely dependent on your parents to let you live with them. Sure, I use what the government gives me for disability pay to help with some of the bills, the rest I save for later. Like, I know I'm not a total leech or a burden. It's just, I can't help thinking about the future and how screwed I would be in every sense of the word if I didn't have both of my parents. That's all I mean. That's just a worst-case scenario though. Like I said, hopefully I'll get my act a little more together than not at all someday. At least it doesn't seem as impossible as it did back before I got a bachelor's degree.
  12. I usually only ever come here when I'm feeling like crap. I wanted to not do that for once though. So I guess I'll just say I'm doing alright for now. Things don't feel so awkward between my ex and I. I get along with her fiance on a pretty normal basis. I'm spending time with my friends whenever they have time. I'm waking up early in the morning to see my dad off to work and apparently he really appreciates the extra company in the morning even though my mom is always there for him too. Because of that, my sleep schedule is actually decent a lot of the time lately. Doc said I'm very healthy, but could use some more exercise to raise my good cholesterol. Older brother has been keeping me on a manageable workout regiment. I mean, I'm still jobless, not even in the process of going back to school like I should, not confident in my future, pretty sure I'll not ever have the kind of family life I always wanted, but things used to feel a lot worse. I probably shouldn't tempt fate like this, but maybe one day I'll manage to put all my doubts and inhibitions behind me so I can finally make a sustainable life for myself.
  13. Howdy, June. You've helped me out a lot in the past. I was beginning to wonder if you still had problems at all. This is an interesting issue. That word, "toxic" has a lot of different meanings to a lot of different people nowadays. I see it get thrown around so often that it has lost some of its meaning to me. I'm getting totally sidetracked though already. Anyway, I'd say that nobody in the world is pure. We've all got our personas that we think are best suited for society. Even if we have a kind heart, we know we shouldn't say or do certain things that we want to sometimes. Try to think of the "toxic" part of you as your shadow. It's with you always and can sometimes take on a shape that is much larger than you, making you think that it is all you are. It's not like that though. You're so much more than that. I hope that makes sense. I'm not very good with analogies sometimes even though I try to use them all the dang time. For what it's worth, I don't think being "toxic" around your friends makes you a bad person, nor do I think taking jabs at each other is bad either. I would think that your circle of friends and family ought to be the safest place to let your shadow out. After all, you can't suppress anything forever, so why not let it out a little bit around people who know you are more than that? I know I'm making low-brow jokes, taking jabs at my friends and family, and saying racist stuff for a cheap laugh around my friends and family on a pretty regular basis. That doesn't make me a racist or a bad friend, and by the same logic, you're not a bad person for saying bad things around your friends. Of course, it has to stop somewhere. There is a line that shouldn't be crossed and lucky for me, my friends will eventually tell me so if I cross it and I'll know never to go there again. My family won't even let me cross it. If you still feel bad about it, I suggest asking your friends to set the record straight for you. Ask them in all seriousness if you've gone too far recently and if you need an attitude adjustment, and then go from there.
  14. I accept your apology. Now quit apologizing. If you ever doubt that putting yourself out and trying is worth anything, you should try to remember that you and I never would've met had you not given me a chance. I mean, I still like talking to you. One day, I wanna play a game or watch a show with you. I know I don't regret offering a hand to you or the times we've just hung out in Discord. Anyway, you know where to find me. If you think you can't give up, then that's good. As much as you're apologizing, you ain't wronged me nearly bad enough for me to turn my back on you. I'll still be around when you're ready to just talk friendly like and stuff. Good luck, and I hope I ain't ever said anything to offend you. If I did, I'm sorry. I know I can get a little aggressive and desperate with my words sometimes and I end up saying stuff that can hurt more than it helps.
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