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About psycholuigiman

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    Junior Member
  • Birthday 03/22/1992

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    College Station, Texas
  • Interests
    Video games of many a genre, psychology, and friendship.
    That is to say, true friendship that lasts a very long time.

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  1. I'm Not Real and I'm Worthless

    Thank you. I'm better now and that is due in part to you guys on the forum here. It honestly sounds too good to be true though, my occasional posts saving lives here, I mean. As part of my effort to not close myself off though, I'll take the notion that I'm a hero as your genuine belief, Epictetus. Anyway, like I said, I just really needed to vent and make the pain I was feeling known. I'm certainly no stranger to being betrayed by people who called me family. Well, "betrayed" is a bit strong, but I think you know what I mean. Still though, it really hurt to have someone practically deny my very existence. You think you know a person and then they wave all of the things you went through together as a fun distraction at best. It really has been a long time since I got hurt like that. Must've been 2002 when somebody was so cruel as to throw me out like that. In any case, it's over now. Life is gonna be a little harder with one less friend to lean on sometimes, and I've really gotta work on that paranoia I get about my other friends, but honestly the day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I said what I needed to say to the guy, told him to enjoy his "new season" and made sure to remove him from all of my social media lists that I could remember. Didn't block him though. Not sure if I'm stupid or a saint, but I like to keep lines open. Just feels wrong, preventing a person from speaking to me ever again. Not like he committed a criminal act against me or anything like that. BLEH! I'm rambling again. Just wanted to give an update and a thank you. The really messed up part in all of this is that the guy has his own anxiety and depression problems. Apparently he even went to therapy for PTSD. He was always a little superficial, but not towards people. I guess it goes to show that their really is no "us" and "them". Until today, I've always seen folks who suffer or have suffered in the past from depression and anxiety problems as just being more compassionate. I guess it isn't always true though. At some point, after recovering and thriving for a while, I guess some people just move on entirely, completely forgetting how much help they needed to get back up and how much compassion they had to receive before feeling worthwhile again. GAH! RAMBLING AGAIN! Sorry. I'm really good at typing. My fingers just kinda move as I think about what to say and before I know it, I end up with a short essay on the matter! Thanks again.
  2. I'm Not Real and I'm Worthless

    So, someone I thought was my friend just told me i"m not real. He once called me his brother. He stayed up with me talking to me many times when I would stress out and I returned the favor by doing the same for him, or at least I tried to. I'm having a hard time with the feelings in me right now. I'm boiling with anger that someone who went through so much with me would basically tell me he didn't have any use for me and that he'd rather pretend I wasn't there so he could spend all of his time with best friends who are "real". I'm nearly in tears over losing one of my only friends and one that I thought was so close. I can now officially count all of my friends on one hand. I'm terrified and paranoid that maybe none of my friends see me as "real". That they'll see me as having nothing to contribute and cast me out. Then I'll be left with absolutely zero friends and with no job or school to go to, that will be my lot in life. My parents will die, my brother will die and I'll be left to die alone because I'm the youngest. I feel like I can't ever trust anybody again. My stomach hurts, my chest hurts, I feel nauseous. I haven't felt this crappy since my first panic attack. I'm not so much looking for answers here. I'm venting my fears and anger in the only way I know how. Some part of my sanity is still clinging to the idea that I am real. That aside from letting my fears stop me from traveling to Canada to join some friends at a convention, I'm an honorable and genuine friend. It's just, when somebody you trusted literally says that you're last season and that he's moving on to the new season, it's hard not to feel more worthless than re-runs of TV drama or an anime or something. It's going to be a hard day for me.
  3. I'll cut straight to the problem. I'm legally blind (20/200 vision) and I have GERD, gastritis, and my gallbladder was removed at the end of 2012. I feel like I have A LOT working against me if I try to travel.Being legally blind makes it hard to see where I need to go at airports and it prevents me from driving at all, as well as finding my way in new places. Gastritis causes my stomach to just produce extra acid when I eat and when I'm under stress. GERD causes the path between my stomach and esophagus to not close properly, so that when paired with gastritis, I become very susceptible to heartburn and stuff like that. Without my gallbladder, a lot of foods have trouble digesting, and paired with GERD and gastritis means I am on a strict no beef, no fried food, no greasy food, limited dairy diet. At best, on a relaxing day, I can maybe eat fast food for one meal every 3 or 4 days. It doesn't help that I'm a picky eater with a taste for most meat and cheese over fruits and vegetables. I feel completely trapped by all of my biological problems. It feels like there are about 20 more things that can go wrong for me while traveling, that other people don't have to worry about as much. Back in College, I couldn't even handle going to the West side of campus (my university was massive) without freaking out. I need help with this. I've sidestepped travel my whole life, only ever going if somebody like my parents were doing the navigation, but even then that was years before all of my stomach problems developed. I've reached a point in my life where I am missing out on so much because of this. I should be in Canada right now, hanging out with my friends at a conventions, meeting them in person, shaking their hands and hugging them and all that stuff for the very first time. Instead, I'm sitting alone in my bedroom at my parent's house, hating all of the I let get in the way and having a very hard time trying not to hate myself for letting all of that get in the way. Because of my negligence towards my travel anxiety, I've let myself down very hard. Even worse is that I lied to my friends about it and blamed money as the reason why I'm not with them. I always thought that when I needed to, I would just get over it. However, I was born legally blind, I developed gastritis in 2008, then GERD in 2011, and had to get my gallbladder removed in 2012. Now it's 2018 and if anything, my travel anxiety has somehow gotten EVEN WORSE, to the point that even just living alone in a place that isn't my home, has left me looking for graduate school opportunities that are close enough for somebody to drive me to while I live at my parent's house. Somebody, please help. I only know how to survive with all of the things I've been given. I haven't thrived since before 2012. I can look on the bright side all I want, like how all of this forced me to a healthier diet, or how I get certain financial benefits for being legally blind, or how some prescription strength medicine helps me keep my stomach under control on normal days. However, I don't feel like any amount of positive thinking is going to help me escape the extra problems my body causes me. I need something else, something I haven't thought to try yet, otherwise I'm gonna be trapped forever. :'(
  4. How can I move on from a good break up?

    Thanks for the advice. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with this very well. I wanted to really think on what everyone said. I think you're all wonderful because there is absolutely some sage-like truth in what you all said. velvetpuddles' for telling me not to worry so much about meeting people while I'm in my current situation that makes socializing so hard to do. Here2Help2, for dissecting my comments and showing me the error of my cognitive distortions. Sophy for the great metaphor. Seriously, it helps me deal with that side of me now that I'm looking at it as my inner child, rather than as a twisted version of my adult self with equally twisted thoughts. Like, instead of getting mad and yelling at myself all the time, I can console myself like my parents would do for me when I was younger. June322, for giving me a different perspective on the break up itself. All I could think about was how I got the bad end of the deal since nobody was waiting to catch me. I also thought any normal and decent person would've been over it by now. In case it wasn't obvious, I'm not very patient with myself. When things don't work out for me, I hold myself accountable usually and start punishing myself. In this case, I immediately blamed myself for it ending. "If you want something bad enough, you'll work hard enough for it. If you fail, then you didn't want it or work hard enough for it." These are some words I was raised on ever since I was a child. I mean, I'm not an absolutist. The notion that things don't always work out isn't totally foreign to me. It's just. . . I don't know, hard not to feel like it's all my fault. It makes me super depressed when I think of this old relationship failing because I was too lazy or content to do anything or notice that it was failing. I guess when I get right down to it, the reason I'm so depressed and obsessed with this isn't really just because I'm single again after getting a taste of love, or because my ex immediately found somebody else waiting for her. It's because I feel I let myself down. I feel I didn't do nearly enough because the relationship ended and I have no idea how I can make it up to myself. All I could do was cry about it and secretly hope for a second chance with her. I mean, literally nobody has shown a hint of anger or disappointment in me for how things turned out. In fact, most people who know about the break up are proud of me for not making it worse. My ex was especially grateful for not causing a scene or starting an argument that would permanently end our friendship. So, it's not like anybody else thinks I screwed up. Thanks again for the advice everyone. If anyone else has any more thoughts, advice, or wants to share their own break up experiences, I invite you to post it. As for me, I guess all I can do is make it up to myself for placing such ludicrous expectations on myself. Treat myself with the same sensitivity I would treat a child that is crying alone on the playground. Give myself more time to recover. Take care of myself by exercising, eating my meals instead of skipping them, and doing the things I want to do. I just know that when I feel I've let myself down, I have to make it up to myself before I can let it go. Sorry for such a long reply. I wish I could give a prize to everyone who reads all of it. Thanks again for helping. I hope this is the last time I need help with this.
  5. I have a crush but i suffer from depression

    Yeah, what lonelyforeigner said. It won't last forever. You're only like, the 4th person I know who actually worked up the courage to tell someone how they felt (myself included), but I think it's normal to not feel that great about it right after. Especially if you're not talking with her anymore. I think the important thing to take away is that you did it. You said what you needed to say. Whether you would've tried to hide it for another year or the rest of your life, this might've happened anyway and you might've gone completely insane. Now that you've done it though, you can look to the future. It's not only safe to abandon that relationship for the time being, but it's necessary and you can do that knowing that you did everything you could've done to make it happen. Not everybody gets that piece of mind. It's not going to be a breeze. You'll likely still think about her a lot, but you can take the piece of mind that you got from this and remind yourself that it's time to let that go. And don't do like me and so many others and start thinking that you'll never get a chance with someone special. Don't do that. Use this opportunity to take better care of yourself than you've ever done before in your life. Keep yourself clean, try to eat right, do a little more exercise, try to talk to new people, get professional help from a therapist if you can afford it. You don't have to make big improvements right away either. Just try to make gradual changes to improve yourself like never before. Somebody else will take notice and with some luck, you'll find someone to fill the void. Hang in there, and while you're hanging in there, the forum is here for you. At least, all of that is what I've been trying to do and tell myself since my ex broke up with me. It works, but some days are still rough. However, I still survive partly because I'm working on myself for the future and I believe you can survive too if you do something similar. Don't ever give up. You've lived this long with all of this torment, so you're stronger than you even know. I think you're strong enough to one day become better than ever. Hopefully some of that gave you a little bit of courage and strength. My heart truly does go out to you.
  6. How can I move on from a good break up?

    Yeah, I can certainly see myself holding that empty bag you mentioned. It's really freaking hard to accept that it's over for good. What do you mean by "get ready for better possibilities" though? Do you mean plan for success by doing the stuff you mentioned afterwards, like taking care of myself and such? That's gonna be hard. I've always adopted the "prepare for the worst" mindset. I don't even know where to begin in changing the mindset I've had for a little more than half of my whole life. I see the logic in your suggestion though and I'll take it to heart so that maybe, if I get a job, or get into grad school, I'll have a chance. I think what'll help the most right now though is taking a break from my friends, like you said. I don't exactly have any other group of friends to talk to or hang out with, but I guess that's all the more incentive to work on myself and try to enjoy life on my own. Plus, 4 out of 5 of them are all going to some furry art convention in a week and a half and I was getting very jealous and angry at myself for not trying harder to get the money and right attitude to go and join them and hang out, so taking a break from them right now is actually a blessing. I don't know if I could handle all of their collective happiness and excitement while I miss out because I didn't try hard enough. Anyway, thanks for the advice. Not all of it was new advice, but taking a break from my group of friends was something I never really considered until now, so thanks for that. Still not feeling too positive about the future. Part of me still holds onto the idea that I'll get a second chance with her. I know that's harmful to me, but I've never had anything quite like that relationship before or since. It feels like it was a miracle it happened at all, like winning the lottery, so looking to the future with the hope that it'll happen again with someone else seems terribly fruitless.
  7. How can I move on from a good break up?

    I'm very sorry that happened to you. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I had to interact with my ex on a daily basis. We dated for about 10 months. Not a super long time, but long enough for me to think we had something, especially since I had never tried at a serious relationship before. I actually never really thought of dating as anything other than romantic. Is that an old way of looking at it? I'll admit I was raised pretty conservatively and sheltered in regards to dating. Like, I was allowed to date starting at age 16, but I was pretty actively discouraged from dating by my parents, who were quick to criticize girls I hung out with. Pretty much chose not to date growing up just to avoid the conversation. Just a little background. You don't have to respond to it. Talking just makes me feel better in general (as long as I'm not ripping myself apart or being too hard on myself, of course). Anyway, I'll try to keep a more open mind about what a date can be, though it's gonna be hard to meet new people in real life now that I've graduated and don't have a job AND can't drive. I hesitate to actively try and meet people online because I feel kinda vulnerable right now, but I wonder if online friendships with new people would be good for me until I can get into grad school or a job? Sorry, just thinking out loud. Focusing on myself helped me while I was in school, but I guess I ran out of motivation to improve myself after graduating college in December. I really don't want to, because I'll probably end up quitting and feel depressed about it later, but I guess all that is left is to exercise on a regular basis. Thanks for the insight and advice you could give. It may not have seemed like much, but it means a lot to know somebody cares enough in the first place. Plus, I had my mind opened to the idea that dates aren't always meant to lead to romance, so that'll help in the long term.
  8. I have a crush but i suffer from depression

    Sorry to pry, but can you elaborate? What happened? Can you just take some deep breaths, calm down, and explain what is going on? You told her how much she meant to you, but you also pushed her out of your life? I, and many others, are here to listen to and support you, but I really don't know what to say to that. Please, it's partially my own fault for suggesting you reveal your feelings. I want to help if I can, or at least apologize if my advice was crappy.
  9. I've posted about my past relationship before, but I don't think I did in this section of the forum. Hoping I'll get some focused advice here. So, to clarify, I'm 25 years old and near the end of 2017, I put an end to my first relationship that I took seriously (I don't count the psychotic girls I knew at my high school). It wasn't my idea to break up, but my girlfriend told me one day that we were growing more distant and that she was feeling closer to one of our mutual friends.We talked about what to do for a while and ultimately decided to break up. I was happy with the relationship, but clearly I couldn't be the person she needed me to be. I wished her luck with her new boyfriend and she gave me the "I'm sure you'll find someone else" treatment (which actually p***** me off beyond words). We're still friends to this day, talking and playing games on rare occasions. The problem is that I can't stop thinking about our old relationship. Beating myself up for not doing more. Getting all depressed and pi**y whenever I see that she and her boyfriend are having fun together. I think it's safe to say that my subconscious is a little obsessed with the old relationship. I don't know how to move on though. By the time I was 21, I had given up all hope of ever finding any kind of love. Then my ex gave me a taste of what I thought I could never have, walked out on me and basically said empty words that were supposed to give me hope, and I let her do it. BLEH, I'm getting sidetracked. What I'm trying to say is that my non-existant experience with romance has left me at a huge disadvantage in trying to move on from an ended relationship. Breaking all contact is not an option, as she is an integral part of my group of friends. Breaking contact with her would result in breaking contact with 4 other friends, and I can't afford to do that. Not when I can count all of my friends on just two hands. I'd rather not rebound into another girl either. I'm aware that some research indicates that rebound relationships aren't as bad as one might think, but it still just seems too manipulative to jump into a short term romance just to discard it later when I'm done coping. I can only distract myself for so long. It's how I've gotten this far, but distractions work less often the more I use them. Please, I'm completely desperate. I've held onto this for like 5 months. I want nothing more than to genuinely smile whenever I see that she is enjoying her life with her boyfriend, while simultaneously remaining hopeful for my own future. Whenever I think of our old relationship, I just think about how I'll never feel that good ever again. Some people have said to me that I'll be better because of this one day. Even my ex told me I'd find someone else to love me unconditionally one day. How do these people know? How the hell do they know what my future has in store for me? What the **** makes them think any of that will happen? How can people sit there and tell me that I'll get a second miracle as they hold hands with someone who loves them?! ****!? Do you see this? I want this to stop. I just typed all of that anger out and all I feel is more upset for it. I'm really lost. I've never been so emotionally confused.
  10. I hate to say this, but maybe WHY you feel the ways that you do isn't as important as WHAT you can do about it. I know, I know, it's cliche and not very helpful, but speaking from my own experience, the reason why I am all depressed and stuff is so hard to grasp that trying to get a hold of it ends up making me even more depressed. It's like, I spend a lot of time trying to find the answer only to come up empty handed, which leaves me to think that I must somehow deserve depression or not be deserving of happiness and love. At least, that's what happens to me when I worry about why I'm the way I am and I wonder if you're experiencing something along those lines. If it will put your mind at ease even a small bit though, I can tell you this factoid, though you probably already know it. People who do jail time often end up going back. I'm talking like 2/3rds of prisoners are repeat offenders (In The U.S.A. that is). Hundreds of psychological interviews with returning inmates reveal that they felt more secure, comfortable, and stable in prison. I've never done jail time, so I don't know anything first hand, but I can imagine going from having most of your day planned out for you every day, to having to do all that yourself, it honestly makes sense why someone who does jail time might want to go back. I can't pretend to know what any of the stuff you went through was like. However, I don't think I would've been able to enjoy any aspect of my life had I kept asking why I was born with 20/200 eyesight (that's legally blind, just so ya know), or why I was always so stressed out and depressed during my time in college. It was only after I came to this forum and starting to investigate what I could do about it that I started the long climb out of the pits of depression. While I can't say I'm depression free, I'm a lot better off than I was in 2015 when I was at my lowest. I think it's great that you want to see a therapist, but good therapists aren't always easy to find and aren't always affordable for your average wage. It'd be awesome if you got to do therapy one day though. Until then, I hope you'll stick around on the forum. There are people a lot more helpful than me here, and even though it doesn't count as therapy, talking about your state of mind sometimes can still be good for you so long as you feel people are listening (and somebody will always listen on this forum). I hope some of this rambling was a tad bit helpful. Sorry it's so long.
  11. I have a crush but i suffer from depression

    I know I'm quite late to this,but felt wrong not to give my own input. I think the most important thing here is to confess your feelings to her. I've been down this road, some of my friends have been down this road, and we all agree that the misery and pain comes from trying to hide these feelings. The mental strain is just too much to keep up for an extended period of time. Look, I'm gonna tell you what worked for me. If the issue is already resolved, great. Ignore me. Otherwise, keep reading. Basically, I laid most of my feelings out in the open for her to see in an email. I told her that I was incredibly nervous just talking to her, that I thought about her often and that she meant a whole lot to me. I told her that this wasn't a proposal for a date or anything, but an attempt to get it all out in the open because keeping secrets from her was an awful feeling. Then, just to prove to myself I had no chance, I asked her if she would ever consider being my girlfriend in the future. I stressed that her answer would not bring any harm to our current relationship as friends and that I would respect her decision, even if that decision was to never speak to me again for such a ridiculous email. The moment I hit "send", I already felt better. Excited, bu not stressed out. And if you're curious, she replied telling me she felt just as unworthy as I did, then we dated for awhile and went back to being friends. Now, while I'm actually still recovering from that relationship (it was a necessary break up, as I can't give her what she wants and we're both too young to already settle like that), I still got a valuable experience from it and I suspect I'll be over it much faster than my previous crushes who I successfully hid my love from for years at a time. Bottom line, confess for the sake of your sanity. Don't worry about landing a date or any of that stuff. I think the goal of a confession is to clear the air on what you think of somebody first, and to get a date second. Knowing exactly where you stand in a relationship with somebody is perhaps the most valuable thing you can get from doing this, and you might even be surprised to find out where you stand.
  12. So, I've been posting a lot here lately. Well, a lot for me anyway. I've asked this forum for help with my first real break up, help with explaining my emptiness after a huge accomplishment left me feeling way less fulfilled than I thought it would, and the forum even helped me by giving me a fresh perspective on my low confidence and new ways to improve it. I'm extremely thankful for this forum's help, and I hate to keep asking for help while barely offering help to the other members, but I guess I don't hate it enough cuz I'm about to do it again. Now to the point. I really have gotten a lot better. My feelings towards my ex are much healthier than before. I'm more comfortable with my accomplishments (even hung up my Bachelor's degree in my room so I can remind myself I'm not a total failure. Never hung up anything in my room before). I've started cooking more and I learned to sew and that has helped too. Yet, I still had a really bad breakdown the other day. I'm surrounded by people who love and respect me. They don't take my depression lightly either. For some reason though, I don't trust any of them when they tell me I'm too hard on myself or that I don't deserve to be miserable or that I'm worthy of love. It's like when anyone says that stuff to me, part of me takes it at face value while the other part of me says "If you knew me better, you wouldn't feel that way". It's freaking awful! I don't know how or when or why I started disregarding all the nice things people try to tell me about myself, but I'm aware of it now and it needs to stop. Otherwise, I may never form a new, healthy relastionship with anyone again. So, does anyone have anything to say on the matter? Even if you have no idea how to get over trust issues like this, I'd appreciate it if you shared your own experience. Sometimes a fresh perspective is just as helpful as actual advice.
  13. Don't believe I am capable of reaching my goals.

    I gotta say, Matt. I appreciate you starting this topic. My own inability to push forward for fear of "not being good enough" has been on my mind a lot lately. It's hard to put into words what one needs to achieve their goals. Even though I just got my bachelor's and took a massive leap towards my ultimate goal of becoming a psychologist with my own practice, I still have no confidence in my ability to continue to grad school and make that dream a reality. Reassessing and breaking it up into smaller goals didn't work for me because even then, I still see that all encompassing massive goal I set in the distance, I have an idea. This worked for me in the past. Might even work again for me if I give it a chance. For a moment, don't look at any of your big goals. Just live your daily life. If you're a student, go to school. If you have a job, go do your job and get paid. Take care of yourself by eating as healthy as you can, clean yourself often (once a day). Just try to live a healthy life in the here and now for awhile. When you've gotten comfortable, that is the time to start thinking about goals. I think I know how it is. You see your goal and all the stuff between you and it, whether that stuff be hurdles, or just a vast distance that shatters your will to go on. Then you see yourself and think "No way in Hell am I gonna be able to make it". I think it takes more than a vague notion of motivation and confidence. It requires something else too, something specific and I don't know what that is, but I believe it comes to all of us given enough time. Maybe what I'm thinking of is courage. I don't know. It certainly is fickle enough to be courage. I haven't started moving towards my goal again yet. I may have taken too long to apply for grad school at this point. so I'm gonna do what I think you should do. Accept where I am in life. Specifically in my case, get used to a new life without pointless busy work assignments due every week or stressful tests. Live my life doing anything but intentionally trying to move towards my goal. Eventually, maybe I'll be less worn out and have the right mindset to start a new journey. What about you, Matt? Do you think you can do that? Ya know, if you're already on the trail towards your goal, what is arguably the hardest part of the journey is already over. At that point, you can literally just live your daily life and eventually you'll reach a milestone. Try to take care of yourself, Matt, and keep in contact with people who know the struggle and people who believe in you if at all possible. Oh, and if you're worried about time spent not moving forward is time wasted, don't be. In America at least, there's this unspoken expectation to be moving towards a goal at all times. If that's how it is where you live, try to abandon that notion. Even a machine will break down after moving forward for long enough. People are no different. There is nothing wrong with stopping to rest and check your heading before starting a new leg in your journey. Best of luck to you, Matt. I hope all this rambling was at least a little bit useful.
  14. Can depression make you upset with everyone?

    Well, if that's how you feel. Not here to force you to change your mind. I do think we sometimes have a habit of putting high expectations on our friends. Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think people should just know what to do or if something is bothering me if I don't say anything about it. I just feel that between friends, there should be no reason you don't talk about it before calling off the friendship. No joke, every time I thought I shouldn't or couldn't talk about something, even if it was something they were doing that p***** me off, ithey'd chastise me for not talking sooner, then laugh cuz I made such a big deal over nothing, then change what they were doing or at least help me deal with it better if they couldn't change. Bleh, that was a mess, but I hope I still got the point across okay. Not a very good speaker. Sorry.
  15. Can depression make you upset with everyone?

    It might sound reasonable since I left out the part where it was the cleanest, nicest break up ever. Turning my back on all of the people who care about me over that was extremely unreasonable. Especially when they tried to help me cope with it. Anyway, I get that anger you have though. I was the same way. Ended up just straight up asking if they were only talking to me out of pity. Turns out one just thought I was always busy cuz of school and din't wanna risk interrupting my studies. Another felt she wasn't worth the time and thought I was contacting her out of pity. Another told me that he just habitually waited for me to contact him. Do ya think you can just talk to them about this? Maybe they have a good reason or maybe they'll be more proactive if you let them know it bugs you. Just throwing out ideas. It worked out alright for me so maybe it will for you too.