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psycholuigiman

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About psycholuigiman

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 03/22/1992

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    College Station, Texas
  • Interests
    Video games of many a genre, psychology, and friendship.
    That is to say, true friendship that lasts a very long time.

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  1. psycholuigiman

    Silencing My Inner Critic

    Thanks, mmoose. I think part of the problem is that I don't really feel like I have anyone I can ask for advice. It's not as big a deal when it's just a video game (I was just using that example to show how my inner critic influences even trivial matters), but I don't know who can help me learn how to discipline myself to stream on a consistent basis, or push forward to my dream job as a psychologist and make it on my own. I mean, I can't just ask some of the streamers I idolize how they do it. God knows they probably get hundreds of schmucks like me asking them for advice. Nobody else I know in my circle of friends does it either. Same for going back to school. I'm the first member of my immediate family to get a Bachelor's in anything. The first one who's ever had a shot at going on to get a Master's. Actually, as far as I know, I might be the ONLY member of my family to go so far in education (my extended family is a scattered mess of drunks and people who had to stop cuz they couldn't keep from having sex and having kids in the process). I mean, I know I'm not the only person to ever get a Bachelor's and consider trying for a Master's. It's just, the advice I get from the couple of friends who went on to Master's has been the standard kind. You know, "Cheer up. Believe in yourself." kind of advice. I know I'm not a total failure. It took me a few extra years than most, but I did get a Bachelor's from a well-known university in the U.S. and I'm not denying the value of that or previous things I've done. It's just, I'm at a loss now. I spent my whole life following my older brother's shadow until he dropped out of college. Then I just stuck with it because I was already there in college. I'm not a leader or a trailblazer. I'm not original or creative. I guess that might be why my inner critic is so prevalent. Now that I can't just follow anyone like a sheep because anyone I could've followed has moved too fast for me to keep up, my inner critic is just. . . I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like I'm just not disciplined or diligent enough to make a lasting improvement on myself anymore. Whenever I see or hear about a program that's supposed to help me, I just go "That's too much work. I'd probably do it for one or two days and then give up." and that's all on me.
  2. psycholuigiman

    Silencing My Inner Critic

    "Unfair" is putting it mildly. I had a moment yesterday where I was watching someone do a really hard part of a video game (I won't bore anyone with the details). My brother came in and asked "Are you trying to learn some new strategies for that part?" I said I wasn't gonna be able to do that part anyway so I was seeing what the reward was. Then my brother asked in the most sincere way he could "Why can't you do it?" and I completely froze up. I didn't have an answer for him. My inner critic has gotten so much power over me that I've stopped questioning it. It says I'd be wasting my time and I just believe it. I'm actually a litle freaked out now because it's not just that my inner critic is winning over me, I'm not even putting up a fight. It's like Epictetus said, there's no defense attorney so I'm just sitting there while my inner critic demonizes and discourages me. Or in Floor2017's example, there is no good spirit. I have no idea how to even begin fighting this. I've always been taught to take criticism seriously and not to just brush it away like it doesn't matter. Everything my inner critic says seems so true that it feels like trying to deny it would be lying to myself.
  3. psycholuigiman

    Silencing My Inner Critic

    I've heard from a lot of people that I'm way too hard on myself. That I'm my meanest critic. I want to silence my inner critic whenever I even think about doing something that might propel me towards my goals. Even something as simple as playing a game, something I've loved doing since before I could even walk straight on my own, can get my inner critic going. It says stuff like "You can't play that game! That boss has beaten you 9 times in a row and you never even got past the first phase!" or, "You can't run a stream! You've got no reason to! Even if you did, it's not like anyone would come. Just one of your friends maybe, and only out of pity for your sorry life." or worst of all, "Don't even bother looking into graduate school stuff. You don't have what it takes to become a psychologist and you never will.In fact, you wouldn't survive long in the world. When your parent's pass away or head back to Louisiana, you'll be screwed because you don't have what it takes to live on your own." Guys, I want to silence my inner critic, but I've lived with it for my whole life. It's mean and not supportive, but it's kept me safe too. Kept me from getting involved in things that would've ended poorly for me. At this point, I don't know how to quiet it or live without it. I guess this doesn't belong in DEPRESSION CENTRAL. I'm not all that depressed about it. If anything, I'm kinda glad that I may have isolated this as the source of a lot of what's held me back my whole life.On the other hand though, it does make me really sad and frustrated because I've got no idea how to deal with my inner critic. I feel like I give it an inch and it takes my whole life, but it also protects me from serious harm in some cases. Just seems like it requires an all or nothing approach. Even if I knew how to silence my inner critic for good or ignore it all the time, I'm not sure I could deal with the consequences that would follow after every choice I make against my inner critic. If you have any advice or want to share your experiences with your own critic, please reply. Seriously, I may not always say it, but I truly appreciate all the replies I get on this forum. Even if I don't get an answer I can use to help my current situation, I appreciate that people read and respond to this rambling in such a sincere way to try and help me.
  4. psycholuigiman

    Back to start. . . again!

    Something I forgot to mention. Probably the worst thing about me. A disgusting part of me loves this cycle. How in the Hell am I going to ever do anything in life if I'm secretly looking forward to feeling like crap? Success isn't earned with anything less than 100%. I'll never accomplish anything because some part of me wants to fail as part of some twisted self-fulfilling prophecy of anger, sadness, and failure. Sure, something good will happen again, but at thatpoint I'll just start waiting for depression again.
  5. psycholuigiman

    Back to start. . . again!

    Here I am, depressed, again. I'm so ****ing tired of trying. Every day I wake up and tell myself things are good and can get better. Every night I am thankful for what I have. Yet I continue to disappoint myself whenever I get the chance to do so. I continue to slip and fall into depression over that has nothing to do with me. I try not to take things personally and end up letting my poisonous feelings fester and writhe inside me. My medicine is wasted on me, because I will never get out of my own personal Hell that only I know about. Opening up my own practice as a psychologist? Starting a family and passing on something valuable to the next generation? Becoming wealthy and successful enough to live comfortably for the rest of my life and then some? What a load of bulls***! God I wish I could drink alcohol. Anything to dull my senses for a while. Now my stomach and all of its problems are acting up. Grandma is having heart troubles. I'm tired of my feelings. I'm tired of not having enough willpower or courage to stand up against my depression. I'm tired of trying and consistently failing to stand up to my depression. I'm tired of trying to make something of myself when there is no longer any point in trying. As arrogant as I can be sometimes, I'm more worthless than the random people I look down on at Twitter and Youtube. I'm so petty I get mad and depressed when I see other people happy. How can their possibly be any hope for me in such a state? How can I possibly recover from this? How can I even hope to acdomplish my goals and fulfill my dreams if this is my nature? How can I deny that this is who I am now when I keep coming back like this?
  6. psycholuigiman

    For the Right Reason

    BeyondWeary, I think that helped a little bit.I usually do that, but I guess I got caught up in the negative thoughts first this time, cuz once I put on some soothing music and just sat on my bed to actually think about the validity of my negative thoughts, I slowly started to realize how crazy I was being. Really crazy actually, considering my only goal when streaming a game is to entertain and show people a game they haven't tried before, or maybe a way of playing it they hadn't considered before. I started taking my baby steps too. Over the previous few days, I asked a friend to watch my test stream and tell me when I got the settings for everything looking good (bad eyesight makes it hard for me to know if stuff looks good to the average person), I got the sound mixing right for the stream, I downloaded some software to make music finally and even managed to put some starting notes for an original song that may or may not ever get finished. So, thanks for the advice you two. This was a really small thing, but I guess I sometimes can't help but make mountains out of mole hills. It means a lot to me as a member of this forum to know that even for something as minor as this, DF will still support me if I can convey how depressed it makes me feel.
  7. psycholuigiman

    For the Right Reason

    I still haven't done anything, but thanks for the advice. I'll keep trying to take my baby steps. I know this is really small stuff compared to what other people in this section of the forum have to deal with, but I wasn't sure where else to put this topic.
  8. psycholuigiman

    Help

    Well, I'm no pro, but I don't mind offering up some advice. Have you made any attempt to talk about it with her yet? I kinda need to know what has and hasn't worked yet in as much detail as possible. Otherwise, any advice I give will end up being kinda generalized and wishy washy.
  9. psycholuigiman

    How Do You Feel Right Now? #7

    I feel like a damn fool. Why the hell did I just check my Twitter account? I should know by now to just avoid that place because I can't handle it. I guess I just wanted to try and be a normal part of society again, post some good clips of a video game I recorded and not feel guilty about it when my friends notice it, but I don't notice their stuff cuz I can't stand scrolling through my feed. Now ti's super late and I'm gonna be going to bed knowing that I stupidly reminded myself that I still have some powerfully petty issues to work through if I'm ever gonna feel secure enough to put myself out again. Good job, ***** me.
  10. psycholuigiman

    For the Right Reason

    Back again, with another small problem that feels like it is spiraling out of control in my mind. Right now, I'm somewhere between depressed and frustrated with myself. I keep saying I'm gonna do something, but I never actually do it. I just keep planning on doing a stream where I play some video games for my friends and whoever else might watch. I also keep saying I'll try and experiment with recording some music covers or making my own music with some software. It took me so long to get the right tools and settings prepared and now that I finally CAN do these things, I'm not. Too much of me wants to do it for everyone else's enjoyment rather than because I want to do it. I don't know. That's just what I think. I feel like I'd be doing a lot more with my spare time if I would stop focusing so much on who is gonna appreciate me doing stuff. I mean, logically speaking, it makes sense when you're as unknown as me to not do it for the audience, but for yourself. I don't mean to say that anyone who does it for their audience is doing it for the wrong reasons. I just. . . I don't know what I'm trying to say. I feel like I'm missing something. Like I have the entirely wrong mindset to even think about doing anything remotely creative or entertaining.
  11. psycholuigiman

    How is everyone feeling? Haven't logged on in weeks

    I'm sorry to hear you're having some trouble. I take it you're the kind of person who gets a bit of fulfillment in life from helping others. Or maybe I'm just projecting cuz I'm kinda having trouble with that at the moment. Right now, I'm kinda somewhere between depressed and frustrated with myself. I keep saying I'm gonna do something, but I never actually do it. It's nothing all that important or urgent mind you. I just keep planning on doing a stream where I play some video games for my friends and whoever else might watch. It took me so long to get the right tools and settings prepared and now that I finally CAN do it, I'm not. Too much of me wants to do it for everyone else's enjoyment rather than because I want to do it. I don't know. That's just what I think. I feel like I'd be doing a lot more with my spare time if I would stop focusing so much on who is gonna appreciate me doing stuff. Sorry. You've got your own problems and I kinda just vented mine. I'd help you if I could, but I don't think I have anything helpful to say in regards to what you're going through. Truth be told, I saw nobody else had replied and thought I should at least offer up my empathy if I could. Instead I just unloaded my burden on you. I guess I could still not reply. . . but I've come this far.
  12. psycholuigiman

    Reconnecting with people?

    Howdy, KCDPN. I think I've seen you post in a few other topics. You're really having a hard time with this, but I'm glad you're so open about it on the forum. It'd be really bad if you were keeping it all inside where it could fester and make everything in your life worse. Anyway, I went through a similar experience after I finished high school. Had a handful of friends that got along great with me in person, but well, I found out who my real friends were after graduation. Turned out there were only two out of twelve or so friends that stayed in contact with me. Even then though, those two pretty much stopped talking to me as I was finishing undergraduate school. What I'm trying to say here is that most friendships in a post-highschool life don't last very long. It's been pretty rare in my experience to have a friend for more than a couple of years. You might if you're good at fighting to prolong that sort of friendship, make a friendship last longer, but some people just don't want to be friends with people for a long time. Like, extroverts who have no trouble making new friends, don't need to stay loyal to anyone. Whether or not that makes them bad is beside the point and doesn't mater to me, but . . . I'm rambling. Need to stop. GET TO THE POINT PSYCHOLUIGIMAN! Haha! Look, the point is that some people don't want to reconnect or be your friend. That's not necessarily anyone's fault cuz you can't help how people feel, and the better you are at not being a sad guy who blames himself all the time, the better you'll be at putting yourself out there. . People are complicated and they get even more complicated when you add more people together. Don't be so willing to accept 100% of the blame for your predicament. Sure, being accountable for your actions is a good thing, but make sure you're only holding yourself accountable for YOUR actions. Don't craft theories to make something your fault when it actually just can't be helped. Most importantly, don't limit yourself to just reconnecting with old friends. Keep yourself open to new people too. The folks above me in this topic have made some great suggestions for making friends too. Suggestions that I should follow when my current circle of friends is ready to go their separate ways. Bleh, I feel like that was messy as heck, but I hope some of it is helpful. At the very least, I know everyone above me in the topic has given good advice, so I guess there's no harm if this was useless. Haha! I hope you feel better soon KCDPN. Feel free to PM me if you ever just wanna chat. I'll get to it sooner or later, I promise.
  13. psycholuigiman

    Politics and Depression

    That's one good way to handle people, lonelyforeigner. I've always tried to just let people who feel differently from me do their own thing in life, ya know? I guess I just didn't know how to respond when "their own thing" was actually "trying to convert me to their way of thinking no matter what". I hate turning my back on people, but I guess it just can't always be helped. It's like you said, if things start to get ugly, and people refuse to let me walk away from an argument that's going nowhere, and everyone involved is just getting angrier by the second, I probably shouldn't be associating with those people for longer than I have to. Yeah, you're right about how polarizing politics are, RichW. It's insane how hard it is to avoid getting into petty insult throwing when it comes to political discussion.I actually did do a pretty good news blackout for a year right before I joined this forum. It was easy for me at the time since I had no friends and didn't like facebook or twitter or whatever. Only problem was when I ended my blackout. American society felt completely foreign to me and I didn't like the feeling of being an outsider in my home country. Admittedly though, wanting to know what's going on is a big weakness of mine, so even if I hadn't ended my blackout at that time, I would've wanted to once protestors started shouting "EDUCATION NOT DEPORTATION" on my campus. I think that as bad and awkward as I feel in regards to politics right now, it'd probably be worse if I didn't feel like things were getting worse over a long period of time. Just my thoughts though. At least my parents let me have my own ideas, and we talk politics without getting mad when one of us doesn't completely agree with the other, so I suppose it's not all bad. Thanks to both of you. I think more than anything, I just needed to be reminded that I'm not crazy for feeling so unsure of myself when it comes to how I express myself and my political beliefs, and to just be able to talk about my frustration with the subject. You've both been a big help and I hope that this topic will find other people who feel restricted by the political climate of their area.
  14. I've already posted here, but I had a huge sigh of relief today. Got a new desktop in and kinda freaked out at how small all of the default text in everything is. I'm considered legally blind in my country, meaning my eyesight is just a little bit worse than 20/200. Growing up, I had to depend on the government to provide specially made tools to do anything from reading to scanning the horizon. Getting all of the zoom levels for everything like my browser and other applications just right took extra effort, but I'm so thankful the world is so much more accommodating for people like myself than it was when I was growing up in the 90s. And the best part about it is that my accommodations don't inconvenience the average user in this case.In fact, on a related note, I'm thankful that my life as a legally blind person in America, despite always having my own unique blind people problems, is made easier by the tools and contacts I have thanks to the government and funded by the taxpayers. So, if you're an American taxpayer, my sincerest thanks goes out to you too. I know taxpayer money sometimes goes to the dumbest things in the U.S.A., but my life would probably be much worse if people hadn't been paid to tell me about all of the tools available that have made it possible for me to participate in normal activities throughout my life. Speaking on behalf of my family, they're thankful for the help too since they had no idea how to make sure two legally blind kids (my brother and I) could have access to most of the same opportunities as the rest of the kids. Sorry for the ramble. Just moments like today, when I see a feature that truly fosters real inclusivity, they make me feel blessed to have been born at the time I was born.
  15. psycholuigiman

    Politics and Depression

    I'm very hesitant to start this topic. As a born and raised American, I'm all too aware of how . . . passionate, some people get in regards to politics. To the point of nearly being religious zealots in a cult sometimes. I've always tried to stay out of it. When I discuss something with people, my primary objective is to understand as many perspectives as possible, while being understood by the other people by the end of the discussion. One of the only wise professors I ever had taught me that the purpose of intellectual debate isn't to convert people to your way of thinking, but to share perspectives and come to a mutual agreement that just so happens to favor one side more than the other. The important thing being that a good debate/discussion with mature people will leave everyone involved satisfied. Politics have never been a good place for good discussions in my experience, so that's why I stayed out of them, and did so successfully for a good long while. Lately though, politics have become unavoidable. We had a presidential election in 2016, and it was the most heated one I've ever seen. I had been trying to ignore the increasingly polarizing world of politics since my high school days (so, like, 2009 or so). As time went on though, I don't know, something changed. Suddenly, people asked me who I was voting for in 2016 and if I didn't give the correct answer, I'd get lectured. Even an old friend of mine got sucked into the zealotry, not even aware of the policies of her preferred candidate, but demanding to know why I didn't feel the same as her, which led to her getting mad at me. After that, I got scared. I started to feel like I couldn't be true to myself since my ideas don't all just align with some group initiative. That's a result of me wanting to understand, rather than convert I guess. So now, in a place and time where seemingly everything is viewed through a political lens (race, gender, religion, family, business, crime, life itself) I find myself falling into an old habit I thought I broke years ago. The habit of walking on eggshells around everybody, both familiar and new, to make sure I don't do any harm. I know better than to try and please everyone, but this isn't like that. This is me simply trying not to make everyone hate me. I thought I could just keep pretending that politics don't matter, but they clearly do matter to a lot of people and to ignore that would be irresponsible of me. Past attempts to come to a consensus on any political issue have all ended with me getting shouted at after refusing to wholeheartedly agree with an idea that just didn't make sense to me on every level. I guess I'm just tired of the constant infighting. Whenever I have the chance to talk to someone new, I just move along to avoid what feels like an inevitable conflict with no positive outcome. That's not healthy, but dealing with people and politics is a social situation that's way more intense than I know how to deal with. Like, anything else, people are just content when I go "I've explained how I feel, and that's just how I feel about it." With politics though, it's like we can't even talk if we aren't completely on the same side about everything. Sorry, I'm rambling a lot. It just feels complicated and I wanted to explain clearly without divulging my political ideas a lot. I'm not very graceful, so it's hard for me when I have to dance around the issue so much. If you have any advice for this sort of thing, or if you just want to share how the political social climate of your area has been affecting you, then please go right ahead and post a reply. I only ask that if we get into specific political topics, you be respectful and understanding. I hope that what can be considered respectful and understanding is common knowledge on this forum. Sorry for such a long post.
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