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Everything posted by mywarmblood

  1. Trying to call a suicide hotline and talk to someone, ANYONE, but my dad broke his phone. Guess I'll rot for now. I really can't take it but I'm still trying.
  2. After still going through withdrawals and not sleeping in almost a week my laptop broke, the only thing I need in this world that cannot be replaced and the only thing that allows me any semblance of escapism. Some kind of problem that can't be fixed with the motherboard. That was donated to me as I could never afford it. After staring at the wall for a few hours I FINALLY fell asleep. 30 minutes later I get woken up by yelling and screaming and run out to find the entire apartment is flooded. The apartment hasn't been cleaned in forever except for my room which I almost never leave and my dad hoards everything which got drowned, so I had to walk through every last bit of the disgust... Everything is broken, flooded, clogged, everything. The entire apartment is still soaked and my disabled dad is screaming at me and telling me I'm a failure while I shovel crapwater for an hour and screaming on and on about how he hasn't slept today. Meanwhile I haven't slept all week, my bed got turned into an insect factory, the only thing I need and care about broke and no matter what I do no matter how little I interact with the world it always finds a way to completely ruin everything. Can't reply to anything gotta get back to it...
  3. This is absolute hell. Haven't slept in 4 days. Can't eat solid food, body rejects it. Don't have the energy to do anything but lay down. Drinking water but it tastes like sour metal sludge. Giant infestation of insects hit my room worse than ever after just getting rid of the last insects. I used to wake up with insects on me every single day and got used to feeling helpless (I have a huge insect phobia), but I can't get used to this. They're crawling on me 24/7. Flying everywhere. They've infested every room and I've lived with them for 7 years, but this is the worst it's been. All of the windows of the walkways of the apartment are holding hundreds of them just squirming. I don't want to be awake any longer. Even if I sleep it'll keep happening again and again, there is no way to escape this place I've been trapped. No help available. Hallucinations aren't helping. Talking to myself 24/7 now because that's the only way I can cope. I can't control it anymore. Last time I was awake this long I entered psychosis and tried ending it, but that was closer to 7-9 days. I really don't know why I'm wasting my time. I've been making arrangements and slowly preparing for several months now and the only thing left is the hard part. I need that relief.
  4. I can't take it anymore, but it'll keep coming and coming and coming. These withdrawals are hell. Haven't slept in a long time. Feel psychotic. It's a black poison fog floating around inside my head. Every ounce of my being just wants to disappear. There's nothing I can do to help pass the time anymore. Nothing feels real except for this pain. The weight will grow and grow and I'll never feel relief or genuine happiness ever again for as long as I'm alive. How long can I keep this up? When will it break?
  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I really don't know what else to type. Seriously. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so thankful that I have a friend. I'm not happy. I'm not laughing. I'm not sad. I'm not scared. I'm just sitting here pondering things. After everything that's happened, I just kind of want to LAUGH. LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH. There's nothing else I can do, don't you know? What can I do but laugh in the face of everything that I have felt, feared and longed for? The past is screwed, the present is screwed, the future is screwed. That's how I live my life. Not a SINGLE ounce of happiness or hope makes its way into my days. However, recently, I've had a GLIMPSE! A GLIMPSE OF HOPE! A GLIMPSE OF HAPPINESS! It came out of left field. It came IT CAME IT CAME! Now, how did it come? I talked to a friend today. I don't have any real life friends, I don't interact with real life people. I'm completely cut off from the world. HOWEVER, today somebody told me I'm one of their best friends. Do you know how good that made me feel? I always assume people don't particularly enjoy my company. They dislike me. Seeing that somebody considers me a friend AT ALL is AMAZING! They don't seem to care about looks and I consider myself UGLY so when they say I'm rather normal looking it strikes me as strange. I feel blessed in this way, having somebody that values me for who I am. What the hell, I thought all of those people didn't exist? I thought I was dead to everybody and that I am alone? Perhaps I'm my own worst critic, but they want to meet up in the near future. I've completely given up on my life but these simple interactions with this person make me want to try again. I want to try. I don't want to die, I want to try, just so I can meet this person. They are motivating me a lot to the point I feel as if a YEAR'S WORTH of weight has been lifted. How amazing is that? Just a single person? It's really putting my patheticness into perspective for me, that I cannot really thrive on my own... The skeptic part of me is slowly being persuaded by their kind words. I'm scared. I'm very scared. I want to try. I WANT TO TRY. I was going to end my life in 30 days I had planned it for so long I had put every nook and cranny of my life into the planning, but now they come here and tell me all of this. I hope they're sincere... because I don't want to die yet. I still want to live. I'm scared.
  6. Scared at the moment. Getting evicted and facing homelessness. Feel powerless. If it comes down to it I hope I'm able to end my life. Being raised by someone extremely mentally ill and winding up extremely mentally ill myself with no knowledge on how the world works and how to be self sufficient, I feel powerless. I can't help myself. I don't have the motivation to live or learn. How can I be self-sufficient or learn how to survive when I can't even look out my window without feeling terror and having a panic attack? When i don't even want to live and only stay alive because I don't have means to painless death? Now I'm being forced out into the world. I'm too preoccupied with insecurity, self-loathing, misanthropy and anxiety to do anything at all. I'm so tired of this. I just want to end this cycle of mental illness. People who breed should take responsibility to prepare their kids for the world, mine didn't. They only taught me the worst of the world and got divorced when I was a kid. One left without a care for me knowing full well I was NOT OK and that I was already suicidal and didn't even notice I had dropped out of school. The other fell into a deep pit of depression and suicide and schizophrenia and lost their mind and thinks they're a prophet now. They coddled me and let me live here for the past how many years, all of my teenage years to preach their insanity and taught me nothing about what actually matters. I only learned escapism and thought I'd be dead long before now. I feel angry at myself. I never thought about the future because I thought I'd be dead, but here we are. I hope I die. I really, really hope I die. I'm tired. My birthday is in a few days. Turning 21. I can't stop thinking about the fact everyone sees me as an adult, but I feel like a kid still. A helpless, stupid kid. I'm old looking, too ugly to care about and just gonna be another statistic. My gut tells me I won't be dying anytime soon and that I'm going to be in hell for a long time. Maybe I'll learn some things...
  7. Still alive. Trying to stay positive. Trying to keep my mind focused on the future where I can only hope everything is going to be okay. I don't know where to go or what to do yet but my friend is helping me. I'm going through withdrawals. Still shaking from the mental breakdown and recovering from the shock and feel really sick. My mother wants to call me today and I don't know what she'll say. I gave up on getting help from family members a long time ago so I'll probably just say goodbye. I want to cut my family out of my life because I feel physical pain being around them now. I feel like I have permanent tunnel vision. I might just have to be homeless for awhile... I gotta get used to being around people. Gotta get used to feeling unsafe and unhappy. Gotta become a cog in the machine.
  8. I've decided that I will call a suicide hotline. See you all.
  9. I'm on the verge of deleting myself from this world. I just had a mental breakdown and broke down crying. I never cry, it's been so many years since I've cried. I get teary eyed during certain sad scenes but I have not CRIED since I was a child. I thought I lost the ability to cry. I feel horrible. I feel like I screwed up. I feel like I just committed social suicide. I talked to my online friend for 5 hours straight and that kept me from calling it quits. He is a nice guy, the only person in this world I can rely on. I haven't broken down like this in my entire life. I started crying in front of my father no less, the last person in the world I wanted to cry in front of. I told him things you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER TELL PEOPLE. I want to delete myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I can't bear to exist much longer. I am seriously considering an exit. My friend went to sleep and now I am alone and the thoughts are just starting to register. I told my friend a lot of things and somewhat exposed myself to him. Not everything. He accepted me and I could tell he was sincere and that he cared. Even so, I can't escape the feeling that I failed. That I did something wrong. Exposing the truth, exposing how I feel, these are things I'm not used to. It scares me, it hurts, everything feels like it's falling apart. I keep my feelings to myself because I know people will let me down. I know they will reject me. I've experienced it countless times, being let down and being rejected. That is how I've lived my entire life. Now today 2 people got to witness my fragile, true feelings. My father let me down and treated my feelings like nothing. I cried in front of him like an ***** and I felt like dying afterwards. He was very uncomfortable and just wanted to leave the situation. He didn't care. My father has never cared. I felt more comfortable talking to my friend. I felt like if I cried in front of my friend he would be there. He would accept me. My father acted like I was some disgusting insect. I can't live with him anymore. It hurts too much. I ran away and decided to be alone for awhile. I couldn't help but to sit there and cry like an ***** regretting telling him anything. Afterwards I went online and talked to my friend and he was so understanding. So truly genuine. That is invaluable. I am realizing that I can NEVER, EVER go back. I've been living in la la land. I've been getting by day by day pretending it would never ever come out. The egg finally hatched. The bomb exploded. It can NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER BE TAKEN BACK. I can't take it. I can't take it at all. If I stay around my family and people I know any longer I feel as if I have no choice but to delete myself. I think it may be best if I call a suicide hotline but I don't know if I'm prepared for that. I don't want help because I feel as if I'm beyond help. I gave up on hope so long ago. I don't feel worthy of help. I don't feel worthy of anything. I feel like trash. I feel helpless. Hopeless. Alone. This friend of mine, he's a great guy. He's great because he's true. He doesn't BS me like everybody else. He actually cares. All of my doubts, all of my fears, all of my troubles, he can listen to me and be there for me like a true friend. I speak my mind and he comforts me. He accepts me with open arms. I don't deserve it. I'm not a good person. I don't deserve a friend like him. Yet no matter what I say, he has such a caring response. It makes me want to cry. I'm so stupid. I've completely ruined my life. There is no going back. I ruined it all. My life is over and done with. I feel as if I'm already dead. What I've done today, what I've said, I am already dead. There is no going back. I can't delete it. I don't think I can take it anymore. I simply can't. I can't take breaking down like this. There's so much trauma and feelings buried within me. Some of it came out today and I told my dad about being raped when I was a child. It made me want to die. I didn't know it truly happened until today. It felt like it was a dream. It came to me in dreams, like it was trying to tell me something. It's not a dream anymore. I've always felt as if there was something hidden in my subconscious. Today it finally revealed itself. My brain broke. It took my brain like a storm. It felt like a dream. I remember every detail now. I started bawling. I didn't know I was this weak. I'm crying again as I type it. I didn't know I was this weak. I didn't know I was this useless. Men aren't allowed to be this useless. Once we're weak we're seen as disposable trash. Is that the truth? That's what I was taught. I don't remember when I was taught that. I'm built that way. Can't show weakness. But I am weak. I am getting tunnel vision. All I can see is my death. I've always been tainted. The signs were there. I buried it so deep I forgot my entire childhood. I've always been a failure. I've always felt unworthy. My entire life I avoided people and buried it deep down inside, but I had a mental breakdown today. We were just talking. Me and my dad. He said a word and it was like a bomb exploded and I just broke down crying as my brain broke and everything flooded in at once.I told him everything because it hurt. My brain somehow hid it from me. My entire life. How is that possible? How could I be so stupid? It made me feel so ashamed that death was easier than to exist. I can't help being what I am, and I would rather die than to feel this way anymore. He didn't even acknowledge it, he just pretended I never said it. He denied everything. He was nervous and uncomfortable. He laughed and said I was possessed by satan, that my feelings are not real.. I feel dead inside now. Now I am dead. My entire life MY ENTIRE LIFE GONE IN AN INSTANT. I felt as if anything that was left in me, any will to live, any hope, was drained from me in seconds. I can't take it. These things that I have no control over, they have ruined my life. Now that someone knows what happened to me they're going to think of me as trash. If I had a way to delete myself I'd already be gone. I feel so panicked that it's physically painful. Every thought that passes through my brain now feels like torture. These feelings, I didn't want to feel them. I want to crawl up in a hole and die. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to be asleep. I don't want to be alive. I want to be dead. I want to be dead but I'm too weak to die. I don't deserve to be pitied. I don't deserve to cry. I haven't suffered enough. My trauma is my own failure. I was too weak. I should have kept it buried. I can't do anything. *****. I'm an *****. What the hell have I done. I can never be sober again. I can never be alive again. I can never "BE", again. I'm dead.
  10. Starting to go insane from exhaustion and lack of sleep. I remember my dreams vividly and have several dreams and nightmares each night, but for the past week or so I have been having nonstop lucid dreaming. Before I would usually sleep for 2 hours, wake up, sleep 2 more hours and go about my day. 4 hours of sleep each night on average. Now I can't even muster 2 hours in one night. I'm completely aware I'm dreaming every time I go to sleep now. I can feel my body twitch in real life and I can think and choose everything I do within my dream. I have no control over the contents of the dreams, but I am completely aware. I thought it was cool at first, but not so much anymore. I haven't had a night of sleep without having several vivid dreams in at least half a year. I just want to fall asleep and not feel anything. Not do anything. Not be anything. Pitch black. Going to sleep is torture now. I get anxiety just at the thought of falling asleep. It used to be a safe haven from wakefulness. Now I'm not sure which is which. I am starting to believe dreams may not be so simple and unreal. Their very existence is so different from everything else. They are so detailed and cohesive in one line like a film or like a parallel dimensions in my brain that it feels like I exist in other places. I am becoming scared of my brain. There are things I have found in my dreams lately that seem impossible. Dreams and reality are starting to merge and my brain is showing me things through dreams that I couldn't have known. The brain remembers so much that I don't remember, and it can show it perfectly to me when I'm asleep. However, I am sleeping 30 minutes at a time for 4-5 times a night now. I feel like a zombie. I feel like disappearing.
  11. Who cares. That is what I think about this entire planet and all of the people in it. Who cares. Every last one of them, I hope they rot away and get buried in a mountain of their own feces, myself included. This planet is an abomination full of scum. My dream will come true. Death cannot come sooner. I don't like it here. I don't like it anywhere. It's full of sewer rats.
  12. Just one of those days. One thing after another, the bad crap keeps piling on top. I'm on the verge of going off and having a mental breakdown. I'm so done with human beings right now that more than anything I wish I could just put some people to their graves and make the world a better place. I had someone ask for help today and as an act of kindness I decided to help them, and in return they stole from me. A LOT. More than was necessary to survive, to the point it makes it hard for ME to survive. No one else was gonna help them, and the person who NEEDS help, me, decides to help them, and BANG, I get screwed over. They took advantage of me and I'll never make that mistake again. Never trust people I don't know. That really sucked but I told myself it was no big deal. Maybe they needed it. Can't do anything about it. Forget it. Then a notice slides under the door about eviction. We either pay a BS fine for something we have no control over and is THEIR FAULT for happening (someone crashed into our car while it was in the parking lot and we were sleeping) or we become homeless. Then someone BLOWS UP on me because I used the last of some ketchup. Of all things, this was what really nearly sent me into beating someone to death. If you want some god d* ketchup how about go to the store and GET SOME. There wasn't even enough left to use in the first place. It's always the tiny little insignificant things that send my blood boiling after a day of getting crapped on. God, to get so angry over some ketchup and yell at me for longer than it takes you to GO THE STORE and BUY IT. The day isn't over yet and I'm sure I'll get crapped on some more. I hope someone tries, because I swear I will beat them half to death. I just want to be left alone for awhile. Obviously I'm quite angry after getting stolen SO MUCH from, so It's not going well. I'm gonna try and avoid confrontation because I know nothing good comes from it. Hopefully people at least let me get drunk enough to pass out.
  13. I wrote a huge wall of text and deleted it once again. Basically... I miss my mom. I want to hug her. I miss being a child. I wish I could time travel. I wish my memories never disappeared and I could watch them to understand why I am so .'ed up. I wish I was dead, and I don't feel alive. Just the status quo. No point into getting into details anymore.
  14. Feeling extremely angry. Wrote a giant wall of text of rage and I deleted it. 30 minutes have passed since and I'm feeling calmed. Feelings are so strange... I am always consumed by feelings and they carry me in places I don't want to go. Perhaps it is better after all to remain in a constant state of unfeeling.
  15. I had a good thanksgiving. Got drunk with old family members I haven't seen in a long time. We played games all night and talked. It was fun. I haven't been that carefree around other people in a long time. When everyone left it was pretty relaxing talking with the few people left. Different than talking to my schizophrenic father who only talks about conspiracy theories. Had a major change today as well. I talked to strangers outside of my family or friends over the internet. It's been several years since I've done that. I used to think it was absolutely impossible. Now I think I could talk to anyone! Just amazing to me. Talking to my online friends of 8 years that I trust really helped me get used to talking to other people, they were very supportive. I'm very lucky to have these friends. Now I can talk to my other new online friends I don't know very well. Alcohol helps immensely, of course. It was quite fun. I expected people to hate me but they treat me like anybody else, like a normal human being. It's crazy for me to be able to act like a normal human being. Surreal, like a dream. Perhaps it's all in my head the way I see myself because of all of the bullying in my past. Maybe I just hate myself. Today was a good day... or whatever you call this. A lot of good things happened to me as a result of other people. People have been very nice and generous. Feels like I'm in the twilight zone. For some reason I decided to mutilate my face beyond comprehension so I can't go outside for a long time and I feel more depressed than ever underneath all of this but whatever. If I stop for a second to listen to the voice in my head it will destroy everything I've built this month. The voice is always there but I have found a nice distraction. Nice people. The voice never wants me to be happy but I can balance this... I hope.
  16. Feeling nice. It's a long dark tunnel with a few pit stops for me right now. Started back up a game I quit 10 years ago. It's quite fun. Found some people to talk to on it and they're pretty cool. It's nice talking to people when you haven't for so long. Especially people you get along with and understand and share some hobbies with. My days are nicer now that I do this rather than fill that time with emptiness. I look forward to waking up in the mean time just to talk and do stuff on the game. Hopefully this continues. Might seem strange or small but compared to before this is heaven. Distraction is key for someone like me. Also I've been waiting for a month now for thanksgiving. I'm going to willingly leave the house and visit my family on that day. The sane part of my family. That's rare for me. I'm kind of looking forward to it. Just to get it out of the way and to possibly enjoy my time with them... who knows. I skipped it the last few times. Gonna try and be a normal human for a day.
  17. I'm feeling good right now. I just discovered something that I love doing. I love making people feel good. I LOVE giving to other people. I have been trying to become a nicer person by giving my family members genuine compliments when it's called for rather than staying silent like I usually do. I am trying to become more honest and sociable without forcing it. These moments are rare but it's nice when they come. Today I especially complimented my dad on his beautiful piano playing. His music gives me a lot of nostalgia for when I was a kid. When I was a child he would play the piano all the time while I was in my crib. I remember all of his songs and he played them for me today with enthusiasm. It was a nice moment separated from all of the hatred we usually have to deal with. He is always angry and toxic but tonight I was able to share a good moment with him. He just jammed out and I was feeling it all the way. It's nice to connect with someone. This makes me very happy, and I hope he feels even a tiny bit better. He is still playing piano 1 hour later so I think he is happier than usual. I know it won't last but the least I can do is try and leave a positive impact on him... I appreciate the responses to my previous posts. Truly, thank you for reading my drunk BS and responding. I don't have any responses worth posting just know that I read and appreciate anybody who cares. You're good people. I am still depressed from the previous things mentioned but as long as I can try and make each day a good day... at least sometimes I can feel a little happy.
  18. I am feeling very sad. I just want to erase myself. My father wants people like me to burn in hell. He thinks we're evil. He thinks we're satanic disgusting sinners. I keep so many secrets from everybody, I lie my entire way through existence. If he knew this one secret he would disown me and probably **** me. I'm too scared to tell him or anybody else anything. Nobody knows. I lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. What's the point in being alive? I put on a mask and try to please everybody. I'm not myself anymore. Who am I supposed to be? Why was I even born? It's such a joke. I have nobody to tell the truth to. Nobody I can trust. Everyday I have to hear about how much my father hates me. He doesn't realize he's talking about me, but he SURE likes to talk about how much people like me deserve to burn in hell. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He never stops talking about how horrible I am. He doesn't realize he's talking about me, but if he did he would throw me in the garbage. I tried telling him one day and he walked away saying he didn't want to hear about what I was going to say. If I told him I would be homeless right now, why did I do something so stupid? I hate that I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He's the only person keeping me from homelessness so what can I say? How am I supposed to feel? This man is the only one I have left. If I tell the truth he will disown me and kick me to the street. If I continue to live a lie and suffer through the pain I get to live another day. Perhaps I should just off myself. I don't know why I even try. People like me should just die. I have nobody. Nothing. I am not a likable or worthwhile person, just trash. I am thinking once again about calling a hotline, but I know I'll never do it. Someone like me will die a lonely and miserable death. It's what I deserve. I am a disgusting failure and not a human being, it's wrong that I even try to escape. This is my fault. Everything is my fault. Why am I not dead already? What a complete joke. I keep telling myself I'm going to do it but I never do. I am a coward. A despicable coward. I have not earned the right to call myself a human being.. Everyone has told me enough times that I know... I know what I am. Trash. Nothing more, nothing less. That's all I'll ever be.
  19. I'm feeling very happy right now compared to the hell of earlier. This is very rare so I will treasure it. I had the first pleasant conversation with my dad in what has probably been several years. Of course being drunk helped because my lack of inhibition allows me to say what is on my mind. All day today my dad has been extremely angry, bitter and toxic. More so than usual, and that's saying a lot because the usual is already terrifying. I have been on edge all day full of stress and anxiety like I'm gonna have a heart attack just when I hear him walking. Its almost like he has an evil aura surrounding his very being that erases any semblance of happiness within its reach. I can sense him and his anger from a mile away. I feel myself shaking and get the urge to hide and close my eyes and put my hands over my ears. My sisters used to do that for me when they were still around. I don't want to be around when he comes. I usually put on some very loud music so I don't have to hear him and get drunk as possible to try and forget I exist. He was breaking plates and swearing and slamming doors earlier and yelling about my mother in a very vulgar way as per usual and trying to preach about how he's a prophet of the apocalypse and everyone is going to burn in hell, just generally being downright insufferable. I hide in my room. It ruins my life and hurts me and makes me extremely depressed just being around him, to the point I want to end my life just to escape him. The rest of my family refuses to be around him whatsoever because of this, but he's the only one who will have me and accept me as the useless NEET I am so I keep quiet. I can't help but to empathize with him because he is paranoid schizophrenic, bipolar, PTSD from war and is losing his mind just like his mother did. He has very good reasons to be the way he is. It's just saddening to me that his childhood robbed him of a normal life. Putting all that aside, today was my least favorite day and now it has transformed into the best day. We talked for about 45 minutes without missing a single beat. There was no unhappiness. We BOTH smiled and laughed and talked to each other. I cannot begin to explain how huge that is to me. We were both very interested in what we had to talk about. He likes to talk and I usually don't like to hear him talk since he just forcibly preaches at me for hours while I stay quiet and take it because all he talks about is angry bitter toxic trash and his grudges and conspiracies but we talked about something nice for the first time ever. The conversation started off in the usual hateful way where he goes off on a huge racist religious insane rant without even acknowledging my existence, but a small stroke of luck turned it into something enjoyable. It was so genuine when I was smiling from his words that it felt like I was dreaming. I know this won't last and it's just a temporary moment of sanity in this hellhole, but that's okay. It's rare I ever get to relate to other people and talk to them and actually enjoy it, and for it to be him was insane. While the atmosphere is still happy before he goes back to the usual hatred I will try to enjoy this and remember it when I feel like offing myself to keep me going. That's enough for someone like me, who would be homeless and probably dead by now if not for him.
  20. Feeling tired. Too tired to exist. Too tired to sleep. I can't get real sleep anymore because I compulsively talk in my sleep all night and have the same exact dream every single night. Sleep used to be an escape but now it is a prison. I'm aware that I exist throughout the entirety of my sleep. The dream is more like a nightmare disguised as a dream. The dream is like a puzzle or a maze and there is no way out. The repetition is not humane. If I don't stop having this dream I may have a mental breakdown. Feel like I'm going insane. Feel like screaming or crying but both of those things are impossible. There is no release from this hell. Need to disappear for awhile. Getting sleep paralysis every single night. Even if I drink until I blackout to try and disappear it doesn't help at all. I hate waking up. I hate sleeping. I hate existing. All I can do is drink. I'm not sure what to do anymore. My brain is torturing me no matter what I do now. It has formed unbreakable habits completely out of my control. Every day is exactly the same. Every thought is exactly the same. Every feeling is exactly the same. Do I even have a breaking point? I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live at all.
  21. All day today I've been in a severely depressed mood and I've just been feeling absolutely horrendous. I have to crack jokes about offing myself to myself to keep my sanity half the time lately. I feel like a trash can. My living situation is chipping away at my sanity like a parasite. I'm in a constant state of restless unhappiness where I don't want to exist but I can't die. I don't understand how to be a human being anymore. I don't know how people work. I don't know how they live, how they talk to other people? I'm just waiting to die. All I can do to keep myself from cracking is to laugh all the time. I laugh out of despair towards my own life mostly. I made up a bunch of little songs about offing myself I sing when I can't take it anymore. I find myself singing them all day. I feel the compulsive need to imitate putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger at least 20 times a day. I've constantly been considering calling a suicide hotline despite knowing it's pointless and I don't wanna waste their time. I'm not worth their time. I don't even know why I do the things I do anymore. Every fabric of my being seems like a culmination of bad habits and diseased thoughts. I don't feel like a living thing anymore. I don't think the rest of the human race wants me here. I feel dead inside and out. Everything feels completely hopeless and dead. Regardless of all of this, I finally got some alcohol tonight. It's really nice. It has put me in an OK mood. Nothing matters anyway, so I'm happy. I got alcohol and pizza. It's a nice night. I am happy for tonight. I'm gonna make the best out of it for as long as I can. It won't last, but I can enjoy it for now all the same. I won't give up just yet. Maybe one night these bad years will come to an end and I'll still be alive to see it? Maybe not. Either way, tonight has got to be a happy night... otherwise I don't know how I can continue to exist. It's simply immoral for me to continue to exist at a certain point.
  22. Feeling very okay right now. I got nice cold alcohol, lovely music and I'm reading something I quite enjoy. Nothing much else to ask for in the moment. That's a good day for me. First one in awhile. I keep getting distracted all the time by my own worries and my future and it takes me out of the present, I should probably stop doing that. Even in this small space of the world that I occupy there are still many things to enjoy. The weather is nice here. This is my favorite time of the year. Fall and winter always put me in a good mood. I rarely get to feel cold weather and it's finally arriving. I felt the urge to rearrange my room because it felt too claustrophobic. Just seeing the same old things every day made me see this room in a negative light. However, something as small as moving the objects around suddenly shifts my perception. I can now appreciate the room once again. I'm thinking I'll move everything around all the time and just never get used to it again. Sounds fun. My room's a mess now but I like it that way. I'm starting to have several dreams per night and they're usually all nightmares. I had one good dream today and it happened to be the one that woke me up. In my dream gravity was different. I was able to fly with just my body. I would get a running start then jump as high as possible. At the height of my jump I would dive down to pick up my speed. With the momentum of my dive I would then swoop back up into the air. I would continue on and on diving down and rising up until I had a steady flight. Up and down, up and down, it was so vivid that I did not believe it a dream. The dream was so alive that I remember every single detail. This is why I enjoy sleeping, the rare chance of something like this happening. It was peaceful. It was nice. I read all the responses to my posts but I never have anything to say. I just instinctively come here to convey my thoughts in certain moments and usually wind up regretting it every time. Any attempt at expressing myself only brings me more pain. More shame. More uncertainty. Crippling anxiety. It makes me want to run away. Sometimes I just abandon all communication for weeks or months at a time until I feel I'm ready to face other people again. I wish real life gave me that opportunity too. The best I can do is just lock myself in my room. I just want to forget so often. Avoidance has become apart of me. I'm constantly at war with myself. Wish I could travel through time so I could take away all of my regrets. Oh well. Today is a good day, that's enough. The happiness won't last but I can still make the best of it.
  23. Feeling very bad. That's all I ever feel. My life is alcohol, food and sleep. Nothing else. I spent the entire year dedicated to music and now the last couple of months I haven't even had the energy to continue. Completely lost interest in the only thing I had left, music. Music doesn't bring me pleasure every second like it did before except for once a month if I'm lucky now at most. I see myself spiraling even further downward than I've ever been. I've gotten more interested in reading at the very least so I spend the majority of my day doing that if I can muster the energy. I've been swimming around in rock bottom for around 5 years now and it still feels like I'm searching for something despite already losing everything. Survival instinct is the only thing keeping me alive. I don't know why it follows me around anymore. Perhaps it's not a choice. Whether it's through reading, listening to music or watching film, I'm searching for something to erase the black hole in my brain. Gained 40 lbs already since I stopped listening to music. I replaced that time I spent with my love of music with sloth and gluttony. More than I already had to begin with. I could be called the king of either. I surpass most everybody in that regard. I feel a hunger for something that cannot be obtained, an emotional hunger. I'm just a fool. A byproduct of poverty and stupidity. An ant within an ant within an ant. I am the worst of humanity. I cannot simply accept my fate. As a result, I can't stop eating and drinking. Avoidance and withdrawal like this is the story of my life, but even more so than ever before right now. The 100+ lbs I lost earlier this year and all the work and motivation I had is dead. Everything is dead. It was never alive, it was just me trying to erase myself through denial and repression. Never works. Not for me, at least. My vision is grey. I feel like I'm floating in the blackness of outer space. Am I really alive? Are you all real? Is anything real? Perhaps I'll wake up and it'll all disappear. That's my foolish wish. I want to wake up and be 8 year's old again. I'd give anything to start over, and I'd probably just **** it up again all the same. It's strange how life goes. My mother called me and begged for a sort of family reunion out of nowhere last night. She begged and begged me on the verge of tears saying she just wants to see her kids all in the same room again before she dies. It ruined me. I felt a lot of anger towards her and I feel a lot of anger towards the rest of my family. After the divorce my mother's side of the family went on to lead normal lives with success and happiness and everything else. Me and my father fell into the black. We are both dead. He went insane and I became a helpless creature. I was never a normal human being to begin with and there was probably never any hope left the moment I was born, but now I am a definite lost cause. Not sure why I still interact with other human beings, I don't belong here. In the end I denied her request and told her I want to forget my family. I am poison. I am not a brother, I am not a son, I am not a human being. My mind cannot comprehend how they could see me as any of those. My brain tells me they probably haven't thought about me once in their entire lives. Does it make sense? Not really, but that's the value I assigned myself. I will not budge. I am a wordless, worthless coward. I can only see myself as a disgusting creature. Through their eyes I can only see a burden and a monster. I don't think it's possible for me to be anything else at this point. There is no help despite everything, my family cannot help, nobody can help, the only obtainable help exists within yourself. The truth I found was that it doesn't exist, not for me. The only help I can see is the ending of my life, so I just abandoned myself instead. This is a dead body typing these words and breathing this air. I've given up. This is just an echo of my dead body's last words, and that's only if I'm lucky. I might live to see these rock bottom days were like my golden days. Since I'm such a coward there might be an even worse fate for me to find. I'm like a cockroach. Hilarious really.
  24. Feeling annoyed towards myself. Not much to say in the way of that other than I hate myself as per usual. I'm currently drinking a 12 pack a day and no longer feel alive. Just sort of drifting off in the middle of nowhere. Just waiting for death at this point. Life does not exist.
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