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mywarmblood

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About mywarmblood

  • Birthday 02/28/1996

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  1. Trying to call a suicide hotline and talk to someone, ANYONE, but my dad broke his phone. Guess I'll rot for now. I really can't take it but I'm still trying.
  2. After still going through withdrawals and not sleeping in almost a week my laptop broke, the only thing I need in this world that cannot be replaced and the only thing that allows me any semblance of escapism. Some kind of problem that can't be fixed with the motherboard. That was donated to me as I could never afford it. After staring at the wall for a few hours I FINALLY fell asleep. 30 minutes later I get woken up by yelling and screaming and run out to find the entire apartment is flooded. The apartment hasn't been cleaned in forever except for my room which I almost never leave and my dad hoards everything which got drowned, so I had to walk through every last bit of the disgust... Everything is broken, flooded, clogged, everything. The entire apartment is still soaked and my disabled dad is screaming at me and telling me I'm a failure while I shovel crapwater for an hour and screaming on and on about how he hasn't slept today. Meanwhile I haven't slept all week, my bed got turned into an insect factory, the only thing I need and care about broke and no matter what I do no matter how little I interact with the world it always finds a way to completely ruin everything. Can't reply to anything gotta get back to it...
  3. This is absolute hell. Haven't slept in 4 days. Can't eat solid food, body rejects it. Don't have the energy to do anything but lay down. Drinking water but it tastes like sour metal sludge. Giant infestation of insects hit my room worse than ever after just getting rid of the last insects. I used to wake up with insects on me every single day and got used to feeling helpless (I have a huge insect phobia), but I can't get used to this. They're crawling on me 24/7. Flying everywhere. They've infested every room and I've lived with them for 7 years, but this is the worst it's been. All of the windows of the walkways of the apartment are holding hundreds of them just squirming. I don't want to be awake any longer. Even if I sleep it'll keep happening again and again, there is no way to escape this place I've been trapped. No help available. Hallucinations aren't helping. Talking to myself 24/7 now because that's the only way I can cope. I can't control it anymore. Last time I was awake this long I entered psychosis and tried ending it, but that was closer to 7-9 days. I really don't know why I'm wasting my time. I've been making arrangements and slowly preparing for several months now and the only thing left is the hard part. I need that relief.
  4. I can't take it anymore, but it'll keep coming and coming and coming. These withdrawals are hell. Haven't slept in a long time. Feel psychotic. It's a black poison fog floating around inside my head. Every ounce of my being just wants to disappear. There's nothing I can do to help pass the time anymore. Nothing feels real except for this pain. The weight will grow and grow and I'll never feel relief or genuine happiness ever again for as long as I'm alive. How long can I keep this up? When will it break?
  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I really don't know what else to type. Seriously. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so thankful that I have a friend. I'm not happy. I'm not laughing. I'm not sad. I'm not scared. I'm just sitting here pondering things. After everything that's happened, I just kind of want to LAUGH. LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH. There's nothing else I can do, don't you know? What can I do but laugh in the face of everything that I have felt, feared and longed for? The past is screwed, the present is screwed, the future is screwed. That's how I live my life. Not a SINGLE ounce of happiness or hope makes its way into my days. However, recently, I've had a GLIMPSE! A GLIMPSE OF HOPE! A GLIMPSE OF HAPPINESS! It came out of left field. It came IT CAME IT CAME! Now, how did it come? I talked to a friend today. I don't have any real life friends, I don't interact with real life people. I'm completely cut off from the world. HOWEVER, today somebody told me I'm one of their best friends. Do you know how good that made me feel? I always assume people don't particularly enjoy my company. They dislike me. Seeing that somebody considers me a friend AT ALL is AMAZING! They don't seem to care about looks and I consider myself UGLY so when they say I'm rather normal looking it strikes me as strange. I feel blessed in this way, having somebody that values me for who I am. What the hell, I thought all of those people didn't exist? I thought I was dead to everybody and that I am alone? Perhaps I'm my own worst critic, but they want to meet up in the near future. I've completely given up on my life but these simple interactions with this person make me want to try again. I want to try. I don't want to die, I want to try, just so I can meet this person. They are motivating me a lot to the point I feel as if a YEAR'S WORTH of weight has been lifted. How amazing is that? Just a single person? It's really putting my patheticness into perspective for me, that I cannot really thrive on my own... The skeptic part of me is slowly being persuaded by their kind words. I'm scared. I'm very scared. I want to try. I WANT TO TRY. I was going to end my life in 30 days I had planned it for so long I had put every nook and cranny of my life into the planning, but now they come here and tell me all of this. I hope they're sincere... because I don't want to die yet. I still want to live. I'm scared.
  6. Scared at the moment. Getting evicted and facing homelessness. Feel powerless. If it comes down to it I hope I'm able to end my life. Being raised by someone extremely mentally ill and winding up extremely mentally ill myself with no knowledge on how the world works and how to be self sufficient, I feel powerless. I can't help myself. I don't have the motivation to live or learn. How can I be self-sufficient or learn how to survive when I can't even look out my window without feeling terror and having a panic attack? When i don't even want to live and only stay alive because I don't have means to painless death? Now I'm being forced out into the world. I'm too preoccupied with insecurity, self-loathing, misanthropy and anxiety to do anything at all. I'm so tired of this. I just want to end this cycle of mental illness. People who breed should take responsibility to prepare their kids for the world, mine didn't. They only taught me the worst of the world and got divorced when I was a kid. One left without a care for me knowing full well I was NOT OK and that I was already suicidal and didn't even notice I had dropped out of school. The other fell into a deep pit of depression and suicide and schizophrenia and lost their mind and thinks they're a prophet now. They coddled me and let me live here for the past how many years, all of my teenage years to preach their insanity and taught me nothing about what actually matters. I only learned escapism and thought I'd be dead long before now. I feel angry at myself. I never thought about the future because I thought I'd be dead, but here we are. I hope I die. I really, really hope I die. I'm tired. My birthday is in a few days. Turning 21. I can't stop thinking about the fact everyone sees me as an adult, but I feel like a kid still. A helpless, stupid kid. I'm old looking, too ugly to care about and just gonna be another statistic. My gut tells me I won't be dying anytime soon and that I'm going to be in hell for a long time. Maybe I'll learn some things...
  7. Still alive. Trying to stay positive. Trying to keep my mind focused on the future where I can only hope everything is going to be okay. I don't know where to go or what to do yet but my friend is helping me. I'm going through withdrawals. Still shaking from the mental breakdown and recovering from the shock and feel really sick. My mother wants to call me today and I don't know what she'll say. I gave up on getting help from family members a long time ago so I'll probably just say goodbye. I want to cut my family out of my life because I feel physical pain being around them now. I feel like I have permanent tunnel vision. I might just have to be homeless for awhile... I gotta get used to being around people. Gotta get used to feeling unsafe and unhappy. Gotta become a cog in the machine.
  8. I've decided that I will call a suicide hotline. See you all.
  9. I'm on the verge of deleting myself from this world. I just had a mental breakdown and broke down crying. I never cry, it's been so many years since I've cried. I get teary eyed during certain sad scenes but I have not CRIED since I was a child. I thought I lost the ability to cry. I feel horrible. I feel like I screwed up. I feel like I just committed social suicide. I talked to my online friend for 5 hours straight and that kept me from calling it quits. He is a nice guy, the only person in this world I can rely on. I haven't broken down like this in my entire life. I started crying in front of my father no less, the last person in the world I wanted to cry in front of. I told him things you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER TELL PEOPLE. I want to delete myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I can't bear to exist much longer. I am seriously considering an exit. My friend went to sleep and now I am alone and the thoughts are just starting to register. I told my friend a lot of things and somewhat exposed myself to him. Not everything. He accepted me and I could tell he was sincere and that he cared. Even so, I can't escape the feeling that I failed. That I did something wrong. Exposing the truth, exposing how I feel, these are things I'm not used to. It scares me, it hurts, everything feels like it's falling apart. I keep my feelings to myself because I know people will let me down. I know they will reject me. I've experienced it countless times, being let down and being rejected. That is how I've lived my entire life. Now today 2 people got to witness my fragile, true feelings. My father let me down and treated my feelings like nothing. I cried in front of him like an ***** and I felt like dying afterwards. He was very uncomfortable and just wanted to leave the situation. He didn't care. My father has never cared. I felt more comfortable talking to my friend. I felt like if I cried in front of my friend he would be there. He would accept me. My father acted like I was some disgusting insect. I can't live with him anymore. It hurts too much. I ran away and decided to be alone for awhile. I couldn't help but to sit there and cry like an ***** regretting telling him anything. Afterwards I went online and talked to my friend and he was so understanding. So truly genuine. That is invaluable. I am realizing that I can NEVER, EVER go back. I've been living in la la land. I've been getting by day by day pretending it would never ever come out. The egg finally hatched. The bomb exploded. It can NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER BE TAKEN BACK. I can't take it. I can't take it at all. If I stay around my family and people I know any longer I feel as if I have no choice but to delete myself. I think it may be best if I call a suicide hotline but I don't know if I'm prepared for that. I don't want help because I feel as if I'm beyond help. I gave up on hope so long ago. I don't feel worthy of help. I don't feel worthy of anything. I feel like trash. I feel helpless. Hopeless. Alone. This friend of mine, he's a great guy. He's great because he's true. He doesn't BS me like everybody else. He actually cares. All of my doubts, all of my fears, all of my troubles, he can listen to me and be there for me like a true friend. I speak my mind and he comforts me. He accepts me with open arms. I don't deserve it. I'm not a good person. I don't deserve a friend like him. Yet no matter what I say, he has such a caring response. It makes me want to cry. I'm so stupid. I've completely ruined my life. There is no going back. I ruined it all. My life is over and done with. I feel as if I'm already dead. What I've done today, what I've said, I am already dead. There is no going back. I can't delete it. I don't think I can take it anymore. I simply can't. I can't take breaking down like this. There's so much trauma and feelings buried within me. Some of it came out today and I told my dad about being raped when I was a child. It made me want to die. I didn't know it truly happened until today. It felt like it was a dream. It came to me in dreams, like it was trying to tell me something. It's not a dream anymore. I've always felt as if there was something hidden in my subconscious. Today it finally revealed itself. My brain broke. It took my brain like a storm. It felt like a dream. I remember every detail now. I started bawling. I didn't know I was this weak. I'm crying again as I type it. I didn't know I was this weak. I didn't know I was this useless. Men aren't allowed to be this useless. Once we're weak we're seen as disposable trash. Is that the truth? That's what I was taught. I don't remember when I was taught that. I'm built that way. Can't show weakness. But I am weak. I am getting tunnel vision. All I can see is my death. I've always been tainted. The signs were there. I buried it so deep I forgot my entire childhood. I've always been a failure. I've always felt unworthy. My entire life I avoided people and buried it deep down inside, but I had a mental breakdown today. We were just talking. Me and my dad. He said a word and it was like a bomb exploded and I just broke down crying as my brain broke and everything flooded in at once.I told him everything because it hurt. My brain somehow hid it from me. My entire life. How is that possible? How could I be so stupid? It made me feel so ashamed that death was easier than to exist. I can't help being what I am, and I would rather die than to feel this way anymore. He didn't even acknowledge it, he just pretended I never said it. He denied everything. He was nervous and uncomfortable. He laughed and said I was possessed by satan, that my feelings are not real.. I feel dead inside now. Now I am dead. My entire life MY ENTIRE LIFE GONE IN AN INSTANT. I felt as if anything that was left in me, any will to live, any hope, was drained from me in seconds. I can't take it. These things that I have no control over, they have ruined my life. Now that someone knows what happened to me they're going to think of me as trash. If I had a way to delete myself I'd already be gone. I feel so panicked that it's physically painful. Every thought that passes through my brain now feels like torture. These feelings, I didn't want to feel them. I want to crawl up in a hole and die. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to be asleep. I don't want to be alive. I want to be dead. I want to be dead but I'm too weak to die. I don't deserve to be pitied. I don't deserve to cry. I haven't suffered enough. My trauma is my own failure. I was too weak. I should have kept it buried. I can't do anything. *****. I'm an *****. What the hell have I done. I can never be sober again. I can never be alive again. I can never "BE", again. I'm dead.
  10. Starting to go insane from exhaustion and lack of sleep. I remember my dreams vividly and have several dreams and nightmares each night, but for the past week or so I have been having nonstop lucid dreaming. Before I would usually sleep for 2 hours, wake up, sleep 2 more hours and go about my day. 4 hours of sleep each night on average. Now I can't even muster 2 hours in one night. I'm completely aware I'm dreaming every time I go to sleep now. I can feel my body twitch in real life and I can think and choose everything I do within my dream. I have no control over the contents of the dreams, but I am completely aware. I thought it was cool at first, but not so much anymore. I haven't had a night of sleep without having several vivid dreams in at least half a year. I just want to fall asleep and not feel anything. Not do anything. Not be anything. Pitch black. Going to sleep is torture now. I get anxiety just at the thought of falling asleep. It used to be a safe haven from wakefulness. Now I'm not sure which is which. I am starting to believe dreams may not be so simple and unreal. Their very existence is so different from everything else. They are so detailed and cohesive in one line like a film or like a parallel dimensions in my brain that it feels like I exist in other places. I am becoming scared of my brain. There are things I have found in my dreams lately that seem impossible. Dreams and reality are starting to merge and my brain is showing me things through dreams that I couldn't have known. The brain remembers so much that I don't remember, and it can show it perfectly to me when I'm asleep. However, I am sleeping 30 minutes at a time for 4-5 times a night now. I feel like a zombie. I feel like disappearing.
  11. Who cares. That is what I think about this entire planet and all of the people in it. Who cares. Every last one of them, I hope they rot away and get buried in a mountain of their own feces, myself included. This planet is an abomination full of scum. My dream will come true. Death cannot come sooner. I don't like it here. I don't like it anywhere. It's full of sewer rats.
  12. Just one of those days. One thing after another, the bad crap keeps piling on top. I'm on the verge of going off and having a mental breakdown. I'm so done with human beings right now that more than anything I wish I could just put some people to their graves and make the world a better place. I had someone ask for help today and as an act of kindness I decided to help them, and in return they stole from me. A LOT. More than was necessary to survive, to the point it makes it hard for ME to survive. No one else was gonna help them, and the person who NEEDS help, me, decides to help them, and BANG, I get screwed over. They took advantage of me and I'll never make that mistake again. Never trust people I don't know. That really sucked but I told myself it was no big deal. Maybe they needed it. Can't do anything about it. Forget it. Then a notice slides under the door about eviction. We either pay a BS fine for something we have no control over and is THEIR FAULT for happening (someone crashed into our car while it was in the parking lot and we were sleeping) or we become homeless. Then someone BLOWS UP on me because I used the last of some ketchup. Of all things, this was what really nearly sent me into beating someone to death. If you want some god d* ketchup how about go to the store and GET SOME. There wasn't even enough left to use in the first place. It's always the tiny little insignificant things that send my blood boiling after a day of getting crapped on. God, to get so angry over some ketchup and yell at me for longer than it takes you to GO THE STORE and BUY IT. The day isn't over yet and I'm sure I'll get crapped on some more. I hope someone tries, because I swear I will beat them half to death. I just want to be left alone for awhile. Obviously I'm quite angry after getting stolen SO MUCH from, so It's not going well. I'm gonna try and avoid confrontation because I know nothing good comes from it. Hopefully people at least let me get drunk enough to pass out.
  13. I wrote a huge wall of text and deleted it once again. Basically... I miss my mom. I want to hug her. I miss being a child. I wish I could time travel. I wish my memories never disappeared and I could watch them to understand why I am so .'ed up. I wish I was dead, and I don't feel alive. Just the status quo. No point into getting into details anymore.
  14. Feeling extremely angry. Wrote a giant wall of text of rage and I deleted it. 30 minutes have passed since and I'm feeling calmed. Feelings are so strange... I am always consumed by feelings and they carry me in places I don't want to go. Perhaps it is better after all to remain in a constant state of unfeeling.
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