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stolenmile

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Everything posted by stolenmile

  1. I feel like I will never get out of this bed! It's just so comfortable and all the problems suddenly disappear when you hide your head under the pillow...
  2. I want to run away from everything: Uni, life, family and all those fake smiles and sayings like "oh, honey, come on, life is not that bad". Well, it is for me! It is f****ng horrible! I am sinking and I am so tired of people asking "What the hell are you doing with your life?" My awful condition is not my damn fault, but it seems like the world thinks that I've chose to have depression! Ugh, I am so mad! I just wanna walk out of the door and run until my legs burn!
  3. "As good as it gets" with Jack Nicholson. I know a lot of people love this movie, I enjoyed watching it, but probably won't do it again
  4. I do enjoy comics sometimes. Like Batgirl, iZombie or Jeffrey Brown's funny Star Wars series. I don't like cruel comics or too depressing ones though.
  5. Feeling extremely lonely, helpless and miserable. I wish I could be a kid again - life was so much easier back then...
  6. Hi, I think many people with depression get the same feeling one day. My brother had it, and medicine kind of helped him. He didn't start to enjoy everyday routine, but he didn't have that dark emotionlessness anymore. I think you should try taking meds if your therapist said so. You can always stop if you feel strange or if you have some side effects. You're lucky to have a family and a gf, they will help you if you can be honest with them about your fears. Also, maybe you need to change smth in your life, like your job or some hobbies. Do you have any activity that you actually like? Take care.
  7. Well, I don't know... Don't try to be someone you're not, that I can say for sure. I once fell for a guy so bad, that I changed the way I lived for him. Needless to say, when we broke up I couldn't figure out who I was anymore. But, I am having a hard month now, trying different approaches to get out of my room and meet people. And I can say that people hate sad and depressed ones. When I go out, I put my fake smile on and pretend to be happy, but I try not to overdo it. If I like the person I am talking to, I might get happy for real, at least for some minutes, and if I don't like them or if something goes wrong, well, then it's not meant to be and I go back to my shell. Maybe if faking positive emotions doesn't work for everybody. Some people find lying easy and some not, so it's kind of the same with faking. The important thing is, if you don't feel anything good after faking good feelings for a while, drop it. You don't want to make you life a lie.
  8. People who get happy by criticising everything around them. Not cool.
  9. Feeling so damaged... I can survive being lonely, depressed or embarrassed. I can survive being around alcoholics, abusive jerks and mentally unstable people. But when someone I love tells me that I am a horrible human being, my world just collapses and I feel like I am a mean b***h who ruins people's lives for fun.
  10. I am so lonely right now! I want to talk to someone, but then somehow I crawl back to bed thinking "Nah, I wanna be alone", and then I feel lonely again... Damn it, endless circle!
  11. Kinda stormy. Very windy and the sky is dark grey, but for some reason the sound of wind calms me down.
  12. Just coffee. My fridge is empty and I am too lazy to go food shopping :)
  13. I am a little depressed. I feel like sitting at home in my blanket is a good thing, and being out there, trying to fit in and to fight my weaknesses is a waste of time. Maybe some people are simply not made for happy and joyful life...
  14. Yeah, I decided to be brave and I went on that date, and it went awful, so I don't know how I am going to be in the same room with him next time. I like it, because I can find different ways of using my skills. I don't have time or energy for doing my coursework right now, so I have few problems with studying, but when I am in a good condition I love CS. If everything goes well, I'll finish my major next year.
  15. I'm in college myself and majoring in computer science. What are you studying? And how well do you know your date? Same thing actually :) And yeah, I cancelled it. He is a good guy, I know him for a month and we are meeting each other during classes once a week (would be awkward if we have a bad date). But idk, maybe I am just to scared to have any relationship at all.
  16. I have three goals for now. I need to finish my coursework, to wash my hair and not to cancel my date. Actually I never achieve my goals and I don't know why. I will probably be too lazy to wash my hair, too scared of the coursework and too anxious to go on a date. I don't know, maybe I just worry too much about everything in the world.
  17. Crappy morning, great evening. My therapist said that I am not a lost cause!
  18. Stephanie, well, that's reassuring lol. I would like it if someone told me "Hey, Rosie, you've got a mental illness which you got from your father". At least then I would know exactly what's wrong with me. But people say "Maybe you're crazy, maybe you're not". This uncertainty kills me! I don't know whether I am damaged or not. I am floating through life, if my existence can be called life. I don't have good and bad moments, I have moments "of no importance". Today I was driving home with 2 other students. A girl was talking about herself the whole time and a boy was like "You're such an interesting person". As for me, I was just there feeling like crap because I had no important moments in my life. I had been sleeping most of the day, then I forced myself to go to the classes. Getting out of the bed and going out was a huge accomplishment for me. And then I spent 1.5 hours listening to how wonderful a life can be. At this point I consider myself sick, because in this scenario it's ok for me to get help. I do little things (washing, talking, journalling, painting). I try to meet new people and go to new places. I have a supportive therapist. But it all doesn't matter when I get into the car with a "wonderful girl" whose life is a mess, but a mess full of exciting stories. It just reminds me how miserable I am. Anyway, I hope I will love myself for myself someday. And I know you guys support me, it means a lot!
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