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Everything posted by stolenmile

  1. I am grateful for my friends and for my family. I am grateful that I have a home and a job. Also, I am grateful that I am no longer in the darkest place of my mind and that I am capable of being happy.
  2. I had a nervous breakdown yesterday in front of my dearest friends, so today I decided to take care of my body - I did my nails, took care of my hair, did some yoga, got a hot shower and went to work. At least now I look good and no one notices what a disaster I am on the inside.
  3. I lost my job today but I tried to think of it as a "possibility to find a better place". And then (for an hour) I watched the person I loved flirt with another girl. And then I left the two of them together, because I should treat myself better. And then I cried in the bus because sometimes tears help.
  4. I have heard about it, but I still don't understand the concept. Was it something your ordinary therapist suggested?
  5. Actually, this sounds like a useful exercise, but I think I may have mini meltdowns while reliving some awful moments once again. But it'd save a lot of time in the therapist's office... You're kind of right LOL. My depression hits hard, but it lasts for about a week or a couple of them, and then for a while I feel fine (or maybe I just get myself very busy). But then I hit some trigger and I am back at the beginning - alone, crying and hating it all. It's like I suddenly remember something and want the world to collapse because I can't handle this feeling. And if I tell you that I am okay now, the most important word would be "now", because my depression hits me like waves.
  6. Wow, thanks for reading about my journey. My leg is better, thank you. I love sport, so it was very hard in the beginning, but I found other ways to do exercises - on one leg or upside down LOL. After a week, when I was able to stand up, I just turned it into a game and it was even fun. It may sound weird, but when I have an actual problem (like a physical one), I concentrate on it and, for a while, it seems like I don't have any mental problems. And then I suddenly have free time to be alone with myself and it all comes back. I hope it'll pass again, because my mental health seems like a roller-coaster: when I am with coworkers or acquaintances I am happy, but when I am alone and think about my life - then I want the apocalyptic scenario to come to life and just take my whole world down. Do you get actual help from a therapist? I've tried several different people, but they all say my troubled childhood is the problem and I am kind of tired of reviving it every time I talk a therapist. I want to concentrate on my current situation, you know.
  7. So sorry to hear that! I hope you're strong enough to keep fighting!:) The world is indeed a cruel place.
  8. On the one hand, I don't have any serious issues in my life, but on the other hand, this meaningful life just drives me mad. I hate how the world works, and there's not much I can do about it. Sounds stupid, but I think about how the girls are raised, how they become women, how they give birth, how they watch their husbands cheat, how they grow old and hate themselves, how they live on their tiny pensions, how many deaths are stupid or by accident, how people regret a lot and hate a lot... I know there are exceptions, but in my world somehow all the above is true. And I could have an education, a friend, a kid, a job, but the world is still the same and I can not be happy with it. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's just my view of life now.
  9. Hi, everyone! I have a tiny problem - I am not enjoying my life anymore. I'm not thinking about suicide, no, it's actually a couple of really annoying things: 1) I don't have any(!) desire to improve my life, 2) I want to cry constantly, 3) I pretend to be happy all the time, 4) I don't feel any real connection to any human being, 5) I have a vivid imagination and in my head I always get hurt or there is an apocalypse and everything burns down or I just fall down a deep hole or something because I deserve to be destroyed. I suppose, in my head all my mental pain has some physical form, hence the apocalyptic fantasies. And I don't know how to start enjoying life again, how to be motivated or just fix what's broken. Any thoughts?
  10. I have depression and today is tough. Just tough.
  11. Broke my leg last week. Gosh, I so envy you people for being able to walk and run and jump and go outside... My temporary disability gives me an awesome reason just to rest and not do anything. But being depressed is even harder when you can't even go outside. Lying in bed watching movies makes me crazy already.
  12. 25 here. Same problem. But there are plenty of people of different ages and background who experience the same problem.
  13. Exactly! It has to be people. And yeah, for some of us (me included) it is hard to create good relationships, but nothing is more precious than sharing your life moments with a human being. I wish everyone to succed in that
  14. 1. Vacations with my family 2. My two best friends who are both married and away now (((( 3. Reading books on my old pocket computer half the night
  15. I'm thinking about why I keep coming here. I had many goals and ambitions and a year passed without any bad thoughts or relapses. Then, when I completed all the goals... Well, the emptiness returned, the apathy returned, the laziness, the inability to smile, the desire to hide away... It's hard to relapse after a year of a pretty good life, it's even harder to admit it... I'm thinking why I'm here and what to do next, can't find the answers though :(
  16. I feel like I need to talk to someone, to open up, to ask for help... But I have no strength to do it, no desire to crawl out of my denial. It's so comfortable here, pretending that everything's okay.
  17. My parents love to punish me with ignoring my existence. I feel so alone and abandoned...
  18. My mom cut off my long curly hair when I was 13. It was really short and people didn't like it very much, so since then I was terrified to try something new. But now I have few friends with really cool haircuts and they wear them with such confidence! I know it's hard to meet criticism if you have low self-esteem, but if you look in the mirror and like it (even if it scares you a bit), then f*** what others say. I love meeting brave people who abandon their boring hairstyles for something new and challenging. So go for it and own this new look! big hugs :)
  19. I feel ashamed that my depression got back. My folks never believed that depression was a real thing, and now when it's back they say I am not depressed, but weak and that I can't achieve anything. Now I want to go to sleep, reset the day and try to do better. Maybe tomorrow when the sun's up I will actually feel happier.
  20. Hate people who can say "you're ruining my life" and then pretend like nothing happened. That hurts.
  21. I feel really confused and a bit ashamed... I'm used to talking to people here, but recently I met a girl in real life who had the depression case similar to mine. And this made me feel happy... I was sorry for her, obviously, it's a terrible suffering, but also I felt happy to know another real human being who faced the same difficulties I faced. Like I was even hyped... This interaction made me struggle for a long time, and now I am just tired... Maybe I am just so lonely that meeting another desperate human being makes me feel better?..
  22. Desperate. I am looking at my watch and I practically feel time slipping through my fingers. Some people have already achieved something in their lives, and I just have no idea where this life is going. So, feeling pretty awful.
  23. Hate evenings because I'm always sad, tired and depressed. And then it's a morning - and I realize I have to go through this life again. Hate mornings.
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