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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Dear Kirmilang -- So glad you've come to DF, and that you were willing to trust us enough to tell us of the great pain and anxiety you are experiencing. Please don't hurt yourself! Also, I agree with most of what JessiesMom has said. As to your fears about your sexuality, I, for example, am heterosexual and was made very uncomfortable by a girl in third grade who seemed to adore me. I found it very confusing: she used to kiss my hand and tell me she loved me where we stood by the fence during recess. I don't know if I was more uncomfortable with the fact that she was a girl, or by the PDA that no one in my family would EVER give. I don't know where she is now or whom she has decided to love, but I didn't have clarity about the experience until my thirties, I think. I have had a "girl crush" on Sophia Loren for YEARS, but it has not deterred me from who I know myself to be. I'm sorry this is creating so much anxiety for you, and I hope with time spent here and/or with a good shrink, you will be able to finally "see the forest" instead of a dark thicket of intimidating trees. As for the astrology aspect, I agree with most of what was shared with you, but my late brother and eldest sister researched and taught themselves all about astrology and at points in both of their lives, drew up charts for friends and family. NEITHER of them were proponents of the Daily Horoscope, because the specificity of it would be like weather predictions that usually get the details wrong but may make sense in larger strokes. You don't have to believe everything you read or hear; you do have to learn to identify your own voice, and that can be a real challenge. Stick with us, if you're of a mind to. I look forward to hearing any and everything you have to say, on any subject you choose. Thinking of you and wishing you peace -- WOTL (womanofthelight)
  2. Hello, Irish63. I can relate to nearly everything you've said. I've been on one antidepressant or another for 23 years, and have had opposite responses to the predicted warnings. (I'm the only person I know who lost weight on Paxil.) Cymbalta left me feeling extremely anxious and hopeless, Prozac gave me the typical sexual dysfunction; Zoloft made me feel like that "eating machine" you mentioned; blah blah blah etcetera. I've been on Bupropion XL for at least a couple of years now, and feel much better--that is, as though I can look at my life and see where I'm triggered and address it without a lot of tears (oh, there are plenty of those, but a lot less since the Bupropion). I tried to go back on Paxil a few years ago after a long time off, and it failed miserably. I was anxious and tearful 24/7. And YES, perimenopause will JACK YOUR S H I T UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trouble concentrating, hot flashes, etc., AND I think I'll be having periods until I'm 100, if I live that long. (I'm told it's rare, but that some women menstruate into their 70's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) So, I'd love to try CBD oil. A good friend made a Christmas gift of CBD lotion and it's . . . okay for chronic pain (I've had 2 useless back surgeries and both knees replaced), though I would need a boatload to assist me every hour of every day, and it's very expensive. I would LOVE to try some for insomnia, but, I might need a lot for that, too. If you would like to try living without prescription meds, I say go for it. I'd love to do that, but don't want to rock the boat by changing my MO. I don't know if this has answered any questions you had, but I wish you good health, good sleep (lack of it can really add pounds--and yes, I've made my way through that! Yee-hah!) and a path that's right for you. WOTL (womanofthelight)
  3. This movie is on my all-time favorites list! Found it years ago somewhere (I don't remember, but probably in the 90's at a rental store) and loved it from jump!!! I warned friends and family that on the first viewing, you don't know whether to run away or laugh. The thing is, when Reese is interviewed or her career is noted for its variety and longevity, Freeway never comes up in the conversation. WHY?????
  4. Marshel-- Your circumstances are very very difficult, and I'm sorry you feel bad physically, too. There are some other threads that lift me up out of the pit. They're in the "DF Watercooler" section of the website, and are light hearted and help me forget for a while. Thinking of you and wishing you a good night's sleep, WOTL
  5. Oh, dear . . . I'm so sorry you have that feeling of not being good enough! It's painful, debilitating and paralyzing. I understand how hard it is to put on the "normal" face so people around you don't get uncomfortable! It's EXHAUSTING. I just want you to know that you matter to me and that I can relate to some of your pain. Hope today was, and tomorrow is, better. Thinking of you. WOTL
  6. Dark news. Let's hope he finds the light.
  7. Thanks for thinking of me. I appreciate you and your taking the time to reply--even though I can't see it. That you replied in an effort to help, means everything.
  8. Worthless and afraid. I don't know why, but I looked up an old lover's Facebook page and compared my life to his. WHY, WHY, WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR???? I realize he is a stranger to me now and that as such, I'm not privy to what really goes on inside him. I'm grateful to have an outlet here with all of you, and an outlet with my own Facebook page, on which I have a mere 43 "friends," and only share myself with a select few. But I feel like I've fallen behind; that I'm losing this race, as time seems to be moving forward exponentially. Since my brother's death, I REALLY FEEL what has always been so: that every day I am alive I move closer to the end. I'm flummoxed. I don't know how to get what I want, sitting here on my ass, writing books and poems. How do I ever expect to make a living at that? I'm an actor who has not acted or taught in nearly 8 years because my health continues to deteriorate. Two back surgeries and both knees replaced . . . I expected to feel better. I went back to the doctor who did the surgeries (after ANOTHER MRI -- I'm going to glow in the dark pretty soon), and he says, and I can see, that he accomplished with the two surgeries what he expected to accomplish: to free pinched nerves in my spine. So why do I still hurt? My knees are better, but cartilage replacement doesn't help the arthritis pain in the bones. As a last resort, I'm going to give PRP a try: [ "Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) therapy uses injections of a concentration of a patient's own platelets to accelerate the healing of injured tendons, ligaments, muscles and joints. In this way, PRP injections use each individual patient's own healing system to improve musculoskeletal problems."] It's worth a shot. Ah, me! Poor me. Poor, poor pitiful me . . . () Thanks for listening.
  9. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I like the way the director takes his time with the stories he tells, and though this is not my favorite of his (that would be Pulp Fiction), I appreciated it nonetheless. It took QT a long time to get his voice out of the character's mouths; to write them as unique beings, not just extensions of himself. His movies are exaggerated fantasy, but I like that.
  10. JD, if you think you're going to be fired, there are some steps you might take. Consult a lawyer about what recompense you might receive if, in fact, you were fired. I know companies are trying to get rid of people over the age of 50--my brother went through that and ended up bitch-slapping the company for TWO YEARS' severance, by getting an out of state lawyer (He works in NYC and his employers had their fingers in all employment lawyers' pies! He found a Chicago lawyer who specializes in employee rights and has a track record of success!)! If it comes to your being let go, you might consider going after them for age discrimination. Just a thought . . .
  11. Natasha, forgive me if I'm not understanding, but dbt is "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy," yes? What harm can it do? It's to help you "accept and change," is it not? (I just graduated from the school of "Web MD".) So, if you know what it is and how it is supposed to work, why hide what you're feeling? It can't work if you don't participate and aren't truthful. That's what it's for. It seems lying would be SO COMPLICATED to keep up with, and, would be a toxic drain on you emotionally. Why act like you're okay if you're not? Your husband doesn't have to know anything that goes on in your therapy, and maybe therapy would better arm you against his emotional and verbal assaults. Whatever your condition or circumstances, though, you DO make a difference here. You know yourself better than anyone and again, I ask you to forgive my ignorance. You're a poet! Your work produces such imagery for me. You let us see who you are through your posts and your poetry--and your courage is such an example for me, especially since I feel I've lost mine. Anyway, thinking of you, WOTL
  12. My younger brother, in his early life, was the object of both my grandfather's (mother's father) and my father's projections of the things they liked least in themselves. They didn't know it at the time, and since my grandfather is dead, I don't think my father would admit to that 100%, though he has evolved a lot. It was very painful for my brother to be snapped at out of the blue with no apology or explanation. It was behavior my father endured from his father, so at one point, we had three generations of men suffering at each other's hands. I'm sorry you have been hurt by your dad's behavior, and I hope it stops. It's unfair and you don't deserve it. Thinking of you, WOTL
  13. Hi, Duck! Same here. One snow a couple of weeks ago, minimal cold.
  14. I say this not to minimize your feelings and perceptions, but I believe the whole country is in a state of PTSD. Those who have trauma around the past may have even deeper wounds and be more vulnerable to not only their own pain, but the double whammy of emotional instability with what's going on in the world. I'm grateful to have found you all, and that we're here to help one another. PM me if you want to talk one on one; if not, I will "follow" you through regular channels. WOTL
  15. Hi, Rob, So glad you found us and chose to write. I'm sure you will find many like-minded people here, trying to navigate life with depression. I understand that pull to oblivion/death, and the impact it would have on loved ones. It seems we stay alive, if not for ourselves, for the ones who love us. It's a conundrum. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Best to you, always, WOTL (Woman of thelight)
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