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womanofthelight

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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Yes . . . I know America has PTSD -- how could we not?! We bear the hammerblows of ignorance and hatred. And yes, probably the rest of the world, too.
  2. I got this idea from a tv show: keep stage blood in the house. (It's really cheap; available at any theatrical makeup store (most likely online these days.) The "blood" is usually mint flavored!)) Use as needed to be seen IMMEDIATELY in the ER by spilling some onto a handkerchief and holding up to your mouth while pretending to cough. It's just too risky to ignore. When they find out you/she is not bleeding, you can say that you're MORE upset by having to do this in order to get someone's attention! Look at the lengths you've had to go to! (No joke:) SHAME ON THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY!
  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. (That's the first time this phrase has made any sense to me in this life.) Truly. Your post reminds me of The Four Agreements. Ever read it? It's a nice, concise guide to living life in such a way that there's much less emotional pain. They are: Be impeccable with your word; don't take anything personally; don't make assumptions; and Always Do Your Best. Step back and take another look at this situation. Maybe you'll find an easier way to live with it--or maybe not. I just know these Agreements have made a big difference in my life and how I see myself in it. Thinking of you and wishing you peace! WOTL
  4. Yes. We are transient beings. Everything about us changes, except sometimes, the way we think. This feeling will pass, as will everything, and you'll look at today with greater ease, I am sure. Thinking of you -- WOTL
  5. JD -- I'm so sorry your days are so . . . dark, and that you are trapped in this life. Were it not for your character--which is truly honorable--you would have called it quits a long time ago. But you soldier on for your daughter and responsibilities to your ex-wife. I respect you and your choices (and I'd respect it, too, if you decided to take the leap out of this world) and hope that you will find some hope somewhere; something beyond your responsibilities to get you out of bed. I believe there are little lights here and there in everyone's life, however low or long they burn. Your cats, your daughter, maybe a walk in the snow . . . ? Anyway, just wanted to say you have my empathy and hope for you to find a little light . . . somewhere. WOTL
  6. FerryJerry -- I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain, and that you haven't gotten the help you want and need. I see you've been trying to take responsibility for your life (in that you want to get better and have a life with your wife) but you have been disappointed at every turn. I have this problem with my physical health; I've been in pain for years and no one has been willing or able to help me heal. It's far too easy for medical/emotional professionals (ha!) to turn away from you, and trust me, it's probably because they know they're Impostors and, as you guessed, are afraid they'll be found out! So, consider it lucky that you've been rejected by these people and can move on to find someone who WILL help you. I have not stopped looking for concrete help, and it's slow going. After two back surgeries and knee replacements, the pain in my back is sometimes excruciating. Doctors in my State are real chickens and will not prescribe pain medication; so I live on Ibuprofen (a joke drug, to be sure) and turmeric with little result and just have to function feeling like (many times) I'd rather be dead. So, I do things to take my mind off my pain. I visit here at DF, I write, and watch a t.v. show called "Ridiculousness," my go-to program for a sure way to lighten my mood, and listen to music. I know this probably is not helpful to you, but I want you to know that I empathize and hope you will find the patience and the will to keep going until your problems are addressed. Thinking of you -- womanofthelight
  7. I understand these feelings, Natasha. I, too, am at that point where I look back and see what I'll never be again. Then I realize I never WAS that. I wanted to be thin as a young woman, and so I starved myself. And I got thin. And had a headache ALL THE TIME. I can't do that any more because I already have low energy due to my health, my headaches have since turned to migraines (thanks for that, middle age ) AND because I just don't have it in me to punish myself that way again. I'm an actor and I look around and see young women writing, creating and doing their own projects and I ask myself, why didn't you do that? Why couldn't you think that way? The answer is because I came of age in a different time. There was no Youtube to launch yourself as a cheeky, weird or just plain funny person; there was no digital video to make any work in front of the camera dirt cheap so you could create your own show and commit to a new episode each week (check out Randy Rainbow on Youtube); I was not constantly bombarded with media and possibilities. I see YOUNG authors writing blogs, news stories and novels and am humbled by their go-get-it attitude. A lot of their work is really good, but a lot is not. These are examples to me of what is ACTUALLY POSSIBLE. I have to make myself believe that even if I don't succeed, at least I tried and did not accept that the train had left the station and I therefore MISSED IT. Yes, this takes courage. The willingness to take risks and be rejected. The greatest courage I could have now would be to try again. No, my body doesn't look the way it used to, but my hair is longer than I ever thought it would be and I LOVE that. No, I can't wear the clothes I wore in my twenties, but a car accident damaged my lumbar spine and having zippers or buttons to fasten clothes is no longer an option--and if I even TRIED to wear them, it would be a painful attempt because I haven't been the size I was in my twenties SINCE MY TWENTIES. Our culture has really come to downplay "dress up." Everything is casual now and there are sporty, shaped blouses I can wear over pants without tucking. I've had both knees replaced and my scars are UGLY. So, so ugly. No getting around it. I used to have BEAUTIFUL, muscled legs and got compliments on them all the time because I wore skirts above the knee, but those days are over. Just . . . OVER. Because I can't bear to look at what I'm NOT any more. I do work (as well as I can) to maintain the waist-hip ratio because it makes me feel more womanly, and I think you can't really look "fat," if you keep it. But, I'm rambling. Just know you're not alone and maybe give a thought to changing one thing about yourself every day--like writing a poem or something (you write poetry from the gut and the feelings it provokes are life-changing. Whether I feel empathy or admiration or envy comes from my response to what YOU have given to the world. And yes, the DF world is small, but sometimes that is just what I need. And for those moments, it, and I, are enough.). Love to you -- Marianna
  8. My depression is anxiety-based. I joke and say my parents 'shot us up' with fear before my siblings and I left the house (as kids), and that it's a miracle any of us grew up to be able to so much as cross the street. And it's true. I'm living with my parents now (because of my health), and I see their--well, my father's--anxiety over his age, my mother's age, losing my mother should she go first, both parents' anxiety over the possibility of losing another child to death (my elder brother died over a year ago) -- but they'd just as soon be anxious about how many socks are in the dryer. I don't take their anxiety lightly; it appears to me, however, that anxiety for them and for me, is a habit. Fear is a habit. I learned it. I learned not to trust that anything will go right; that I'll never be free and happy, that money is hard to come by, etc. and I make a conscious effort to retrain myself, or come here to DF and write and/or read a post which takes me out of myself. When I'm anxious, I feel hopeless and the curtain goes up for my depression to take a bow. I find it hard to function with depression and anxiety, so the fact that I'm functioning enough to read this thread and respond is gratifying. I'm on 300 mg. of Bupropion XL and 75 mg. of Amitriptylin for sleep, because I've had insomnia since . . . puberty, maybe. I take selfies when I feel low---no preening to find the right angle, no makeup--just to be able to go back and see what depression looks like. Oh, my! I break my own heart with that s h i t. But I've seen how it ages the affect--it's amazing really. And my vanity requires concrete results in anti-aging! And that's another flaw in my character: I am NOT a process person; I am result-oriented. So when I sit down to write and stare at a blank document on the screen and struggle to put the words together -- I become angry with myself, which makes my self-esteem plummet and then I'm inert, and I loathe inertia. But, I'm blessed to have grown up in a household where music is in our DNA. All I need do is listen to any "up" music, and my mood is elevated. I write as I listen and feel GREAT when I've accomplished something. And when I finish, I find I MUST fill the time with something that makes me laugh. Until I plummet into anxiety again. The cyclic nature of anxiety and depression for me, is a process, even at this late date in my adulthood, and process, for me, is a CHORE. Did that make any sense? Anyway, I hope this helps a little. WOTL (woman of the light)
  9. Flippedupside Your post is painful to read so I can only imagine how it feels to live it. You have people here who will care about you and treat you well. Nothing you say can be too much, and we are glad to listen. Write as often and as long as you need to. Thinking of you -- womanofthelight
  10. I don't know from Twitter and Instagram. I do know about Facebook, and have to say that your interest or lack thereof may well have to do with your expectations and contributions. I have a tiny posse of 43 "friends," and FB has really changed in the ways it allows you to include or eliminate anyone from any and/or every post you make. My friends are on the serious side, but there are others who really stand out with energy unlike any others'. They're usually the quirky, funny, irreverant types whose humor I appreciate. Anyway, there are ways to tweak FB to make it whatever you need it to be.
  11. It's a CONSTRUCT based upon, but in the end, really having nothing to do with, the legends built around a make-do saint. Myth and legend are world-wide phenomena; a creation or death story is "founded" in one place, and the same story pops up on the other side of the world. Joseph Campbell says there is a universal, collective unconscious that manifests itself in any number of ways, linking people of all races, creeds and cultures. We are not separate, but part of a beneficent chain of souls linking the best and the worst in mankind. V-Day I suppose, is an expression of that "best." If only we could keep it going for a lifetime. We are too easily and selfishly led by our needs and desires, and will satisfy them in any way possible. This dangerous need to be led, at least for now, has created a monster who thinks he rules the world. Any acolyte of such poor reasoning pays a high price for his fear and ignorance, and misuse of his heart and soul The members of the monster's team are idiot children afraid of their own shadows. I am sick to think of it.
  12. The deserts of Spain, Croatia and Lesotho. (If I can ever conquer my fear of flying over water . . . )
  13. Ridiculoutness! (Every time I answer in this thread, I'm watching this show. What can this mean . . . )
  14. Hello again! I didn't mention it before, but I'm so sorry those people VIOLATED YOUR BOUNDARIES!!!!! And I'm sorry that ANYONE whose touch you did not want just went ahead and did it! There's NOTHING WRONG with slapping somebody when they assault you. (And YES, it was assault.) I'm glad to hear you're back on your meds. It just seems you need some help to see you through this crisis, and I'd like to know if there's a counselor who knows you and is familiar with you specifically? (You realize, of course, that HOCD is different from actual homosexuality.) Anyway, you had your meds reviewed and re-prescribed, so adding counseling to the mix seems like the way to get through this. As to the young man you care for, just let him know you're there for him should he need a friend, and leave it to him to make any overtures regarding you or the friendship. Do not pursue him. Take care of yourself so you can more easily deal with your own emotional pain, and be better able to be a shoulder for him, should the time ever come. Thinking of you and wishing you only the best!!! WOTL
  15. Tell him tell him tell him! My estranged brother died of cancer in hospice care in September of 2018. My family and I wouldn't have found out if my younger brother hadn't been in touch with him a couple of months before his death and tried to reach him again by phone. David (my younger brother) called and got the "this number is no longer in service" message. He went to my brother's apartment building and was told by the super that Paul had "passed away nearly three weeks ago." I was the last person in our nuclear family that he told he no longer wanted to communicate with, and I OBEYED. !!!!!! Against my better judgment. EVEN THOUGH IT FELT WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! David and Karen (eldest sister) just barreled right through and called him a couple of times in the years he was estranged. I was the coward!!!!! I thought I was honoring his needs at the time. I thought that it was the same thing that happens in every kind of relationship: if one person doesn't want it, you can't force your way in. You have to accept it, however difficult it may be. I truly believed we would be reunited once our parents were gone. (He hadn't been in touch with them in 30 years.) It was so NAIVE of me to think that people leave this life in the same order in which they came in. So for six years I meditated about him; tried to contact him regularly telepathically, and was feeling CONFIDENT in my result. And then the word came that he was dead. He had friends around him to experience that profound moment when the soul leaves the body. Had I known, I would have been there, too!; would have held him like he was my child!; would have told him it was okay to go!!!. But he didn't want or need me to do that. OH! It still HURTS SO MUCH! My grief is really regret, and regret is a horrible thing to have to live with. He was the principal bass in an orchestra, so his death notice appeared in the program, and on the website. He had written his own obituary because he had notice of his physical life coming to an end. (As we all do, really. From the moment we're born, we are heading toward death.) ANYWAY, all that to tell you to do the things your inner voice tells you to do. Follow it, your intuition, and it will become stronger every day. And whatever the response or lack thereof, you will feel "clean" because you answered the call. It's up to you, dear. Thinking of you and wishing you clarity and peace, WOTL
  16. Hello to you, dear! Have you ever wondered if that bully from your childhood actually violated your boundaries physically? You seem to have such powerful responses of guilt, fear and repulsion that it just struck me. So sorry if I'm wrong or asked a question out of turn. Generally speaking, I think we all (at least I know about myself) carry the past with us, be that good or bad, but it behooves us to keep walking, creating a path anew and leave the rest behind. And it's hard to leave the past behind. It is who we were, and it makes up a huge part of our complete picture. But remember, you are goodness and sorrow and joy and everything in between. Life as we know it will end for us all, and I think we need try to grasp what joyous moments we have and accept ourselves, regardless of what others think, or know, or think they know!!! You are whole and beautiful soul, and I hope that you will release yourself from the enchantment of "wrong." It's a painful spell from which I hope we all break free. Thinking of you -- WOTL
  17. Tchaikovsky -- Waltz from Serenade for Strings in C Major, Eugene Ormandy and the Philadelphia Orchestra There's nothing like a waltz to lift the spirits.
  18. Dear Kirmilang -- So glad you've come to DF, and that you were willing to trust us enough to tell us of the great pain and anxiety you are experiencing. Please don't hurt yourself! Also, I agree with most of what JessiesMom has said. As to your fears about your sexuality, I, for example, am heterosexual and was made very uncomfortable by a girl in third grade who seemed to adore me. I found it very confusing: she used to kiss my hand and tell me she loved me where we stood by the fence during recess. I don't know if I was more uncomfortable with the fact that she was a girl, or by the PDA that no one in my family would EVER give. I don't know where she is now or whom she has decided to love, but I didn't have clarity about the experience until my thirties, I think. I have had a "girl crush" on Sophia Loren for YEARS, but it has not deterred me from who I know myself to be. I'm sorry this is creating so much anxiety for you, and I hope with time spent here and/or with a good shrink, you will be able to finally "see the forest" instead of a dark thicket of intimidating trees. As for the astrology aspect, I agree with most of what was shared with you, but my late brother and eldest sister researched and taught themselves all about astrology and at points in both of their lives, drew up charts for friends and family. NEITHER of them were proponents of the Daily Horoscope, because the specificity of it would be like weather predictions that usually get the details wrong but may make sense in larger strokes. You don't have to believe everything you read or hear; you do have to learn to identify your own voice, and that can be a real challenge. Stick with us, if you're of a mind to. I look forward to hearing any and everything you have to say, on any subject you choose. Thinking of you and wishing you peace -- WOTL (womanofthelight)
  19. Hello, Irish63. I can relate to nearly everything you've said. I've been on one antidepressant or another for 23 years, and have had opposite responses to the predicted warnings. (I'm the only person I know who lost weight on Paxil.) Cymbalta left me feeling extremely anxious and hopeless, Prozac gave me the typical sexual dysfunction; Zoloft made me feel like that "eating machine" you mentioned; blah blah blah etcetera. I've been on Bupropion XL for at least a couple of years now, and feel much better--that is, as though I can look at my life and see where I'm triggered and address it without a lot of tears (oh, there are plenty of those, but a lot less since the Bupropion). I tried to go back on Paxil a few years ago after a long time off, and it failed miserably. I was anxious and tearful 24/7. And YES, perimenopause will JACK YOUR S H I T UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trouble concentrating, hot flashes, etc., AND I think I'll be having periods until I'm 100, if I live that long. (I'm told it's rare, but that some women menstruate into their 70's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) So, I'd love to try CBD oil. A good friend made a Christmas gift of CBD lotion and it's . . . okay for chronic pain (I've had 2 useless back surgeries and both knees replaced), though I would need a boatload to assist me every hour of every day, and it's very expensive. I would LOVE to try some for insomnia, but, I might need a lot for that, too. If you would like to try living without prescription meds, I say go for it. I'd love to do that, but don't want to rock the boat by changing my MO. I don't know if this has answered any questions you had, but I wish you good health, good sleep (lack of it can really add pounds--and yes, I've made my way through that! Yee-hah!) and a path that's right for you. WOTL (womanofthelight)
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