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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Not in as much pain as usual, and that's a great thing.
  2. Always want to be where I'm not; have something I don't. Life inspires changes in desire(s); expansion is how we grow; but I'm TIRED of wanting things. Need to learn to live each moment as it comes, in gratitude, but sometimes . . . man, that's a JOB.
  3. Glad you're well today. Love driving throughout the Southwest. Used to travel between Nevada, Utah and AZ when I lived in CA. Never made it as far east as NM. I will see it one day. I need to live there, I think. That part of the country speaks to me.
  4. Weepy. Confused. I've heard it said that when you sleep, you "reconnect" with your "inner being;" the wise and eternal part that is bigger than any circumstance you confront in life. I need to hit the "re-set" button, go back to sleep, wake up and start again, connected.
  5. Distressed from second-guessing my decisions. Split energy is painful. My instinct tells me to do one thing, my practical mind tells me to do another. I want to trust my instincts and get good results from doing so. Fear holds me back. Why do I let it????? Then I turn it all inward and hate myself. Viscious cycle.
  6. Very dark. Very low. Feeling trapped and hopeless.
  7. Surly. I read a definition of that word years ago (I forget which dictionary), which was perfect: “Menacingly irritable.†So. True. I hate Hate HATE this contract job I’m working. I’m grateful for the income, but feel like I’m being dimmed; like that light we all have inside us is being blocked somehow; like I’m a complete impostor, playing a role that has nothing to do with who I am--and it's EXHAUSTING not being myself. Just scared, I guess, that this is . . . “REAL†and what I want for my life is out of reach.
  8. Yes! Anxiety is so hard—that anticipation/dread of punishment, or simply the unknown, can wreak havoc. So glad you feel more calm now. Hope you're giving yourself a break. Best to you.
  9. Your words mean something to everyone here; wouldn't bother to read if they didn't. Thanks for everything you say.
  10. Blech. Have to get my driver license renewed and HATE getting that mug shot.
  11. Weird. Busy (The "y" on my keyboard doesn't work and I have to copy one every time I use a "y!" Ridiculous, stupid and frustrating!). Starting a "contract" (temporary) job on Monday (maybe). Need the money but my insurance may be discontinued after 4/30 so I have to cram in seeing as many doctors as I can before the end of the month. Hope this doesn't jeopardize my commitment to this job. I've informed the agent I'm working with about it. Hope I can start the 27th. I'll just "put it out there" that that's what I need believe it will be okay. Do you know how many "y's" are in this post?!!!!!!
  12. Apprehensive. Going to a new dentist today. Don't know why it looms so large.
  13. Overswhelmed. Many things I want to do, and I can't seem to organize a way to do them that makes me feel productive.
  14. Anxious yet apathetic. I have a job interview in 2 days and it's in a field about which I know absolutely nothing and have no interest. Have to figure out how to fake it.
  15. Lost a job nearly five years ago. Took that opportunity to leave CA to be closer to family and have not been able to find steady work since. Sense of self worth is low; have no interest in anything any more. Music, writing, exercise, friends -- all the things that gave me joy I now have no interest in. I've lost touch with long distance friends--even local friends. My physical health has taken a downturn. It's hard to maintain relationships when you don't want to reveal yourself to be depressed or unwell. Guilt, pain, self doubt. Intertia. Self hatred. Loneliness How do I start to live again? I just want to sleep.
  16. The body is such a complex organism. All systems must be completely in balance to function as one should in the world. (That is, I think, able to work, love, play, create, make rational decisions.) Everybody's body is a "variation on a theme." There may be as many answers/treatments to depression as there are people who are depressed.
  17. Wish there was a way to say thank you to everyone here. Those who replied, those who did not, but are staying aboard this ship, riding turbulent seas. It does help to know you all understand what this is. Depresssion is so . . . insidious and confusing, particularly if you're prone to judging and criticizing yourself. Cried some today and yesterday. Don't feel the better for it. I've been on and off medication for years. Where do you go when something stops working? Back to the drawing board. Thought I'd tackle it with supplements, aiding certain hormonal systems. Helped a great deal for a while--till the money ran out. I can get pharmaceutical assistance, but fear the weight gain side effect of chemicals, as body image has been an issue all my life. Looking for a way out of the darkness.
  18. "I wish I was dead." I hear myself uttering it aloud. Hear myself say it in my head. This is a thought, a wish. Do thoughts really create reality? I don't think so. I'm not dead yet. Can't -- won't -- **** myself. Life is active. We are active even when we think we are not. So how can I actively want to live? Life is so painful right now.
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