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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Your words mean something to everyone here; wouldn't bother to read if they didn't. Thanks for everything you say.
  2. Blech. Have to get my driver license renewed and HATE getting that mug shot.
  3. Weird. Busy (The "y" on my keyboard doesn't work and I have to copy one every time I use a "y!" Ridiculous, stupid and frustrating!). Starting a "contract" (temporary) job on Monday (maybe). Need the money but my insurance may be discontinued after 4/30 so I have to cram in seeing as many doctors as I can before the end of the month. Hope this doesn't jeopardize my commitment to this job. I've informed the agent I'm working with about it. Hope I can start the 27th. I'll just "put it out there" that that's what I need believe it will be okay. Do you know how many "y's" are in this post?!!!!!!
  4. Apprehensive. Going to a new dentist today. Don't know why it looms so large.
  5. Overswhelmed. Many things I want to do, and I can't seem to organize a way to do them that makes me feel productive.
  6. Anxious yet apathetic. I have a job interview in 2 days and it's in a field about which I know absolutely nothing and have no interest. Have to figure out how to fake it.
  7. Lost a job nearly five years ago. Took that opportunity to leave CA to be closer to family and have not been able to find steady work since. Sense of self worth is low; have no interest in anything any more. Music, writing, exercise, friends -- all the things that gave me joy I now have no interest in. I've lost touch with long distance friends--even local friends. My physical health has taken a downturn. It's hard to maintain relationships when you don't want to reveal yourself to be depressed or unwell. Guilt, pain, self doubt. Intertia. Self hatred. Loneliness How do I start to live again? I just want to sleep.
  8. The body is such a complex organism. All systems must be completely in balance to function as one should in the world. (That is, I think, able to work, love, play, create, make rational decisions.) Everybody's body is a "variation on a theme." There may be as many answers/treatments to depression as there are people who are depressed.
  9. Wish there was a way to say thank you to everyone here. Those who replied, those who did not, but are staying aboard this ship, riding turbulent seas. It does help to know you all understand what this is. Depresssion is so . . . insidious and confusing, particularly if you're prone to judging and criticizing yourself. Cried some today and yesterday. Don't feel the better for it. I've been on and off medication for years. Where do you go when something stops working? Back to the drawing board. Thought I'd tackle it with supplements, aiding certain hormonal systems. Helped a great deal for a while--till the money ran out. I can get pharmaceutical assistance, but fear the weight gain side effect of chemicals, as body image has been an issue all my life. Looking for a way out of the darkness.
  10. "I wish I was dead." I hear myself uttering it aloud. Hear myself say it in my head. This is a thought, a wish. Do thoughts really create reality? I don't think so. I'm not dead yet. Can't -- won't -- **** myself. Life is active. We are active even when we think we are not. So how can I actively want to live? Life is so painful right now.
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