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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Naked and Afraid, Too Deep In. These partners have been dropped in the Andros Islands (there are about 40 tiny ones scattered in the "Bermuda Triangle."), and have to make their way from one island that has no water source to about 5 or 6 others, totaling 25 miles, sailing or swimming to their extraction point in shark-filled waters! The islands are limestone rocks with little, if any, soft grass or land conducive to comfortable sleep or even sitting!!!! The two strangers work well together, but the man has to tap out because he's threatening his long-term health with dehydration, which has caused his kidneys to produce kidney stones (he's had them before and knows the pain). There are three dolphins circling her tiny raft. They've come to pick him up and now she is alone. Yikes.
  2. Spartacus (movie) starring Kirk Douglas and Jean Simmons. I have loved Tony Curtis in 2 o3 3 of his movies. I even like him VERY MUCH in this one, until the point where he recites a poem (as he is "Antoninus, Singer of Songs"). He speaks of the land of his mother and his father which they left "long ago, long ago, long ago . . . " HOWEVER Tony, native of the Bronx, clearly had no dialect coach on the movie because he says (and I do not exaggerate): "lon gago, lon gago, lon gago . . . " HAVE. MERCY. . . .
  3. Yes, take care of your joints. I used mine like mad FOR YEARS: walking (a commitment to 20 miles per week), cycling, step classes in the 90's -- and I've had both knees replaced. So it goes . . .
  4. Yes. I have pain and was on pain meds when I left California to live in my home state. I was taking one regularly and had no pain at all. The drug was taken off the market in 2011 (I think) and I thought "Whatever. That's okay. I still have my ibuprofen." About three weeks in, I started to feel real pain from a car accident I was in a few years before. I had NO IDEA that the drug was masking my symptoms AND was an opioid. So, my home state is a real weeny when it comes to pain meds and the best I can get is ibuprofen and acetaminophen. (I'm allergic to trammadol, aleve, aspirin and something else that I can't remember.) Pain is wearing me down. I'm angry and hopeless and have had two back surgeries to try to get rid of my pain. (2 Laminectomies in which the surgeon cut away a bit of tendon and bone in 4 facets to free the nerves that are ******* ME.) But I still have that nerve pain. I wonder if it's psychologically induced . . . I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and sorry that you think the pain meds are f#&king with you. Keep writing. I and all those who are able with keep an eye out for you and your posts. Hoping you feel better - WOTL
  5. Smartwater. (Again, I swear. My I.Q. is rising as we speak . . . )
  6. . . . taking precautions like wearing protective gear and avoiding crowds. I live with my very old parents and though my health is bad structurally (joints and back), it has been up to me to do the shopping, which is fine, because they are at a higher risk than I. I occasionally turn on the news channels and get updates, though my mother watches them all day long. They mentioned wanting to go out tomorrow, but I don't think it's a good idea. (Maybe I'll hide their car keys . . . )
  7. Kenneth -- I've tried so many ways to feel good about myself and my life, and ascribed to many so faith based philosophies that it gives me a headache to think of them. At best, my feeling "good" about myself has been cyclical and tapering off to nothing now. I've been in therapy many times; been on antidepressants for the last 25 years, and I think that feeling good about ones self all the time (my words, not yours) is a tall order for everyone. Maybe we're given glimpses of our best selves and then have to live up to those images going forward. I think, though, that any one thing tried or done every day can be a way through. Maybe make a list of 3 or 4 things you'd like to accomplish every day. Print or write the document in large letters and post that list where you'll see it every day. Mine is just above my computer and of the 6 things I have written down, I only do two regularly--and of those two, only one every day. It keeps me from complete inertia, because depression feeds inertia and vice versa, so its a revolving door I have to make a conscious effort to step out of (and that's HARD). So, no, you will never get back what you lost in any area of your life, and it will be up to you to create it anew again and again. BUT, when you see how far you've come, you'll look back and see -- for example -- "I NEVER would have done that when I was young. I didn't know how to speak up for myself back then." Experience changes us for the better and for the worse. To address those changes for the better and build upon them is the biggest challenge of my life. Thinking of you and wishing you courage and hope. WOTL (womanofthelight)
  8. On My Block - Netflix This ensemble of young performers is SO. GOOD.
  9. Höch obe - Jodlerklub Bärgblüemli Schattdorf HOW. I. LOVE. YODELS!!!!!!!!!
  10. You are still here to tell the tale, and that means that hope has not died! It is painful and lonely now, I know. You think no one understands, or if you reveal yourself, you will be rejected. You will never be rejected here. Take off as many of the seven veils as eases your pain to do so. We will look and not judge. Not turn away from you. Some people get as far as only one veil, and others (the ones with faith and trust, I suppose) can strip away as many as six. But there's always one kept for only you. This is a boundary we will not cross. So, know that on dark days or nights you can come here and reveal yourself as much as is comfortable for you. I wish you calm and continued hope, always.
  11. Belle du Sueigneur -- the second worst movie I've ever seen. (The first is Blair Witch Project.)
  12. Oh, Infinite Sequence --- I'm so sorry you were used like that. But you must have a will of iron that maybe you know about, or don't. I think you must know this because you SURVIVED IT ALL, and are now seeking help to cope with the residual pain of it. You are so brave. I know the search can be long, disappointing and DUMB finding the right counselor. I've had great disappointments in my life regarding the medical profession and healers actually doing any good, passing the buck as if to say, "Not my job." (?????) But keep going. My experience need not be yours. You deserve the best in a counselor, and I will keep the light on for you, hoping you get just what you need. Continued courage and hope -- WOTL (woman of the light)
  13. I agree with some who have said that there seems to be an inherent wisdom to people who have addressed their psychological pain (I paraphrase). People who have not are invariably toxic. At least that is what I've found to be true. And offices are just AWFUL. Every office is like a dysfunctional family. Look closely and you'll see a mother, father and the various competitive siblings. BLECH. (Why isn't there a "vomit" emoji?)
  14. Feeling anxious, depressed and afraid. I saw a quote the other day that went something like "the way you spend your days is the way you spend your life." Painfully true.
  15. As to the paranormal alieny subject of a couple of pages ago: when it comes to aliens, the occult, paranormal activity, ghosts -- all that stuff -- I believe in everything.
  16. Yes . . . I know America has PTSD -- how could we not?! We bear the hammerblows of ignorance and hatred. And yes, probably the rest of the world, too.
  17. I got this idea from a tv show: keep stage blood in the house. (It's really cheap; available at any theatrical makeup store (most likely online these days.) The "blood" is usually mint flavored!)) Use as needed to be seen IMMEDIATELY in the ER by spilling some onto a handkerchief and holding up to your mouth while pretending to cough. It's just too risky to ignore. When they find out you/she is not bleeding, you can say that you're MORE upset by having to do this in order to get someone's attention! Look at the lengths you've had to go to! (No joke:) SHAME ON THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY!
  18. I'm so sorry for your loss. (That's the first time this phrase has made any sense to me in this life.) Truly. Your post reminds me of The Four Agreements. Ever read it? It's a nice, concise guide to living life in such a way that there's much less emotional pain. They are: Be impeccable with your word; don't take anything personally; don't make assumptions; and Always Do Your Best. Step back and take another look at this situation. Maybe you'll find an easier way to live with it--or maybe not. I just know these Agreements have made a big difference in my life and how I see myself in it. Thinking of you and wishing you peace! WOTL
  19. Yes. We are transient beings. Everything about us changes, except sometimes, the way we think. This feeling will pass, as will everything, and you'll look at today with greater ease, I am sure. Thinking of you -- WOTL
  20. JD -- I'm so sorry your days are so . . . dark, and that you are trapped in this life. Were it not for your character--which is truly honorable--you would have called it quits a long time ago. But you soldier on for your daughter and responsibilities to your ex-wife. I respect you and your choices (and I'd respect it, too, if you decided to take the leap out of this world) and hope that you will find some hope somewhere; something beyond your responsibilities to get you out of bed. I believe there are little lights here and there in everyone's life, however low or long they burn. Your cats, your daughter, maybe a walk in the snow . . . ? Anyway, just wanted to say you have my empathy and hope for you to find a little light . . . somewhere. WOTL
  21. FerryJerry -- I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain, and that you haven't gotten the help you want and need. I see you've been trying to take responsibility for your life (in that you want to get better and have a life with your wife) but you have been disappointed at every turn. I have this problem with my physical health; I've been in pain for years and no one has been willing or able to help me heal. It's far too easy for medical/emotional professionals (ha!) to turn away from you, and trust me, it's probably because they know they're Impostors and, as you guessed, are afraid they'll be found out! So, consider it lucky that you've been rejected by these people and can move on to find someone who WILL help you. I have not stopped looking for concrete help, and it's slow going. After two back surgeries and knee replacements, the pain in my back is sometimes excruciating. Doctors in my State are real chickens and will not prescribe pain medication; so I live on Ibuprofen (a joke drug, to be sure) and turmeric with little result and just have to function feeling like (many times) I'd rather be dead. So, I do things to take my mind off my pain. I visit here at DF, I write, and watch a t.v. show called "Ridiculousness," my go-to program for a sure way to lighten my mood, and listen to music. I know this probably is not helpful to you, but I want you to know that I empathize and hope you will find the patience and the will to keep going until your problems are addressed. Thinking of you -- womanofthelight
  22. I understand these feelings, Natasha. I, too, am at that point where I look back and see what I'll never be again. Then I realize I never WAS that. I wanted to be thin as a young woman, and so I starved myself. And I got thin. And had a headache ALL THE TIME. I can't do that any more because I already have low energy due to my health, my headaches have since turned to migraines (thanks for that, middle age ) AND because I just don't have it in me to punish myself that way again. I'm an actor and I look around and see young women writing, creating and doing their own projects and I ask myself, why didn't you do that? Why couldn't you think that way? The answer is because I came of age in a different time. There was no Youtube to launch yourself as a cheeky, weird or just plain funny person; there was no digital video to make any work in front of the camera dirt cheap so you could create your own show and commit to a new episode each week (check out Randy Rainbow on Youtube); I was not constantly bombarded with media and possibilities. I see YOUNG authors writing blogs, news stories and novels and am humbled by their go-get-it attitude. A lot of their work is really good, but a lot is not. These are examples to me of what is ACTUALLY POSSIBLE. I have to make myself believe that even if I don't succeed, at least I tried and did not accept that the train had left the station and I therefore MISSED IT. Yes, this takes courage. The willingness to take risks and be rejected. The greatest courage I could have now would be to try again. No, my body doesn't look the way it used to, but my hair is longer than I ever thought it would be and I LOVE that. No, I can't wear the clothes I wore in my twenties, but a car accident damaged my lumbar spine and having zippers or buttons to fasten clothes is no longer an option--and if I even TRIED to wear them, it would be a painful attempt because I haven't been the size I was in my twenties SINCE MY TWENTIES. Our culture has really come to downplay "dress up." Everything is casual now and there are sporty, shaped blouses I can wear over pants without tucking. I've had both knees replaced and my scars are UGLY. So, so ugly. No getting around it. I used to have BEAUTIFUL, muscled legs and got compliments on them all the time because I wore skirts above the knee, but those days are over. Just . . . OVER. Because I can't bear to look at what I'm NOT any more. I do work (as well as I can) to maintain the waist-hip ratio because it makes me feel more womanly, and I think you can't really look "fat," if you keep it. But, I'm rambling. Just know you're not alone and maybe give a thought to changing one thing about yourself every day--like writing a poem or something (you write poetry from the gut and the feelings it provokes are life-changing. Whether I feel empathy or admiration or envy comes from my response to what YOU have given to the world. And yes, the DF world is small, but sometimes that is just what I need. And for those moments, it, and I, are enough.). Love to you -- Marianna
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