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womanofthelight

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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Hmmmmmmm . . . think I'll go get a fudgecicle . . .
  2. Hi, JD -- Just for kicks, go to Despair.com and check out the "anti-motivators" line of posters, designed specifically for office slaves (I used to be one, so I know). My favorite is one with a bunch of hands in the center, displaying solidarity with the caption: "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us." (I'd like to work for that company.)
  3. I can't imagine what it is to live with parents who think they are entitled to every penny I make. They're not, you know? Maybe give them only as much information as is absolutely necessary. Was mom pushing you to tell her how much of a refund you received by asking and taking and pushing you? Are you beholden because your parents stay with the baby while you're at work (pre-Corona, of course)? This situation is tough. I have a cousin in the same circumstances and I don't know what to say to her because I've never had a child to support. I'm sorry this is happening and wish I knew what to say. Thinking of you -- WOTL
  4. Samadhischeol: It looks (and reads) to me that you kick yourself when you're already down, to keep you down, regardless of other peoples' opinions. (And god knows giving a f uck about what other people think is the fastest way to self hatred and feelings of inferiority. WOTL = Exhibit A, but leaving much, but not all, of that behind.) But that kicking thing may be easier than coming up for air and giving yourself a break by taking a risk. I don't know. You're self aware, but turn that awareness back on yourself, chew yourself up and spit yourself out, making painful judgments (what you may call observations) about yourself, and humanity, which shares the same flaws, along the way. (Did that sentence make any sense? Can't go back and look now. . . .) Maintaining this stance looks like it's a full time job. Is it? You must be exhausted.
  5. Hi, ChrissyNoelle, I've not seen your other posts, but I will look for them. I'm glad your boyfriend is being more present with you. It is NOT a lot to ask for someone's internal attention when you're lovers, or even close friends. Or even here at DF. Friends. Yeah . . . I made friends in my college and grad school years that I just KNEW would be my friends the rest of my life. But that didn't happen, and it hurts to look at it. I've been back-burnered with every friend I had who decided to have children. And then we just lost touch. It was hurtful to hear that division in their attention ("When we talk, just show up, will you?" I said to a man I wanted to be in a relationship with--he was not "involved" with someone, married or having a child. I scared him away, I know.); to receive the Christmas card written to someone else and stuffed in the envelope for yours. I think sometimes I expected too much. When my emotional investment is big, I want it back and have learned I cannot expect it. I can ask for it, but I'll rarely get it. I always enjoy being alone. Until I don't. And you know the difference between "alone" and "lonely," though they do sometimes cross party lines. Nice to meet you, ChrissyNoelle. See you 'out there.'
  6. Has it ever occurred to you that you're an excellent writer? Have you thought that maybe all the pained and painful posts you've made here could be compiled into a book--a journal, of sorts--to give the public a better idea of what depression and hopelessness are about? I'm sure people tell you that your life does, in fact, have meaning, and I know that thought has been completely unacceptable to you. But your passionate vitriol cannot be ignored in this forum. It might eventually be ignored in a publication or book but, as repugnant this idea may be, you will actually have given something to the world you hate before you go. You have talent and--just this woman's opinion--I think wasting talent is a painful mistake.
  7. Naked and Afraid, Too Deep In. These partners have been dropped in the Andros Islands (there are about 40 tiny ones scattered in the "Bermuda Triangle."), and have to make their way from one island that has no water source to about 5 or 6 others, totaling 25 miles, sailing or swimming to their extraction point in shark-filled waters! The islands are limestone rocks with little, if any, soft grass or land conducive to comfortable sleep or even sitting!!!! The two strangers work well together, but the man has to tap out because he's threatening his long-term health with dehydration, which has caused his kidneys to produce kidney stones (he's had them before and knows the pain). There are three dolphins circling her tiny raft. They've come to pick him up and now she is alone. Yikes.
  8. Spartacus (movie) starring Kirk Douglas and Jean Simmons. I have loved Tony Curtis in 2 o3 3 of his movies. I even like him VERY MUCH in this one, until the point where he recites a poem (as he is "Antoninus, Singer of Songs"). He speaks of the land of his mother and his father which they left "long ago, long ago, long ago . . . " HOWEVER Tony, native of the Bronx, clearly had no dialect coach on the movie because he says (and I do not exaggerate): "lon gago, lon gago, lon gago . . . " HAVE. MERCY. . . .
  9. Yes, take care of your joints. I used mine like mad FOR YEARS: walking (a commitment to 20 miles per week), cycling, step classes in the 90's -- and I've had both knees replaced. So it goes . . .
  10. Yes. I have pain and was on pain meds when I left California to live in my home state. I was taking one regularly and had no pain at all. The drug was taken off the market in 2011 (I think) and I thought "Whatever. That's okay. I still have my ibuprofen." About three weeks in, I started to feel real pain from a car accident I was in a few years before. I had NO IDEA that the drug was masking my symptoms AND was an opioid. So, my home state is a real weeny when it comes to pain meds and the best I can get is ibuprofen and acetaminophen. (I'm allergic to trammadol, aleve, aspirin and something else that I can't remember.) Pain is wearing me down. I'm angry and hopeless and have had two back surgeries to try to get rid of my pain. (2 Laminectomies in which the surgeon cut away a bit of tendon and bone in 4 facets to free the nerves that are ******* ME.) But I still have that nerve pain. I wonder if it's psychologically induced . . . I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and sorry that you think the pain meds are f#&king with you. Keep writing. I and all those who are able with keep an eye out for you and your posts. Hoping you feel better - WOTL
  11. Smartwater. (Again, I swear. My I.Q. is rising as we speak . . . )
  12. . . . taking precautions like wearing protective gear and avoiding crowds. I live with my very old parents and though my health is bad structurally (joints and back), it has been up to me to do the shopping, which is fine, because they are at a higher risk than I. I occasionally turn on the news channels and get updates, though my mother watches them all day long. They mentioned wanting to go out tomorrow, but I don't think it's a good idea. (Maybe I'll hide their car keys . . . )
  13. Kenneth -- I've tried so many ways to feel good about myself and my life, and ascribed to many so faith based philosophies that it gives me a headache to think of them. At best, my feeling "good" about myself has been cyclical and tapering off to nothing now. I've been in therapy many times; been on antidepressants for the last 25 years, and I think that feeling good about ones self all the time (my words, not yours) is a tall order for everyone. Maybe we're given glimpses of our best selves and then have to live up to those images going forward. I think, though, that any one thing tried or done every day can be a way through. Maybe make a list of 3 or 4 things you'd like to accomplish every day. Print or write the document in large letters and post that list where you'll see it every day. Mine is just above my computer and of the 6 things I have written down, I only do two regularly--and of those two, only one every day. It keeps me from complete inertia, because depression feeds inertia and vice versa, so its a revolving door I have to make a conscious effort to step out of (and that's HARD). So, no, you will never get back what you lost in any area of your life, and it will be up to you to create it anew again and again. BUT, when you see how far you've come, you'll look back and see -- for example -- "I NEVER would have done that when I was young. I didn't know how to speak up for myself back then." Experience changes us for the better and for the worse. To address those changes for the better and build upon them is the biggest challenge of my life. Thinking of you and wishing you courage and hope. WOTL (womanofthelight)
  14. On My Block - Netflix This ensemble of young performers is SO. GOOD.
  15. Höch obe - Jodlerklub Bärgblüemli Schattdorf HOW. I. LOVE. YODELS!!!!!!!!!
  16. You are still here to tell the tale, and that means that hope has not died! It is painful and lonely now, I know. You think no one understands, or if you reveal yourself, you will be rejected. You will never be rejected here. Take off as many of the seven veils as eases your pain to do so. We will look and not judge. Not turn away from you. Some people get as far as only one veil, and others (the ones with faith and trust, I suppose) can strip away as many as six. But there's always one kept for only you. This is a boundary we will not cross. So, know that on dark days or nights you can come here and reveal yourself as much as is comfortable for you. I wish you calm and continued hope, always.
  17. Belle du Sueigneur -- the second worst movie I've ever seen. (The first is Blair Witch Project.)
  18. Oh, Infinite Sequence --- I'm so sorry you were used like that. But you must have a will of iron that maybe you know about, or don't. I think you must know this because you SURVIVED IT ALL, and are now seeking help to cope with the residual pain of it. You are so brave. I know the search can be long, disappointing and DUMB finding the right counselor. I've had great disappointments in my life regarding the medical profession and healers actually doing any good, passing the buck as if to say, "Not my job." (?????) But keep going. My experience need not be yours. You deserve the best in a counselor, and I will keep the light on for you, hoping you get just what you need. Continued courage and hope -- WOTL (woman of the light)
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