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Everything posted by womanofthelight

  1. Ghost Story I am the ghost that haunts the valley where the five rivers meet and the trees are young. I’m told there is fire behind my eyes but it dies like torches dipped in southern waves or from its own heat, burned, dried up and blown away. I am haunted by pain and so I haunt. Einstein says energy can change in form. I may turn to dust here in the valley of rivers dreaming of cool water and a thicket of old trees where I would lie drowsing on the soft ground untouched by loss of you, of God, of the path I left behind. I take ghost steps in circles up and down the hills searching for courage and the life I wanted but did not make and may have to mourn as I do you, dear. Think of it: we could be incorporeal together; freed from earth and its material mischief. Instead, I challenge this of you and of God: If I asked you to haunt me, would you do it?
  2. Charlee -- I have the strangest feeling, based upon what my brother's friend told me about his passing. (He didn't tell our parents, me or any of our siblings.) She said she felt him go, and all around her she could hear/feel him say "What have I done?" Like what had he been thinking to not want the love he had been offered and even refused by way of silence? And, I think maybe, he had not seen the beauty in life when he was here on earth; that the view he had now that he was non-physical, allowed him to see there was so much more than he had ever imagined. So many more joys, so many more opportunities that he did not see when he was alive. Sometimes I want to be where he is. I feel him around me sometimes, quite specifically. I want to be with him, in peace. Nothing unsaid between us. Friends and siblings again. My imagination cannot even take me there completely yet. I have a hard time thinking of myself as out of this world, this body, this life. But I know death is the only certainty. And I think that if I could handle the uncertainty a little better, I might feel a little better. I think we, as depressed people, have the dullest yet the sharpest vision. That 'something extra' we see about life becomes a painful burden from which we cannot figure how to flip the switch. Maybe one day, you and I will have longer periods of joy and peace to juxtapose against the thudding, clumsy darkness. I'm thinking of you and wishing you rest. WOTL
  3. Maybe. Then again, you were having a tough time finding her. Maybe the deepest part of you, your unconscious mind, wants you to stay. Either way, I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace, however long it lasts.
  4. I was searching for calming music on youtube and found some! Better yet, was a post by the creator/creators, that I needed to hear tonight: "STOP. Yeah, you. I know you're reading this comment. Don't you dare scroll away. I dont know who you are or where you are from, but know that whatever pain, sadness, anxiety, or battles you are going through, know that it will all get better sometime soon. You'll be looking back someday and realize how thankful you are that you never gave up. Life can be a bit unfair and scary sometimes. But please don't let that stir you away from the beauty of it. Life is also full of crazy and amazing experiences. You see, there has to be a balance in life. You can't have good without bad, and you can't have bad without good. All these things you have gone through or will go through are getting you ready for something so beautiful in your life. So please, for the sake of all of us who love you (and yes, if you are reading this, whether you feel alone or like the world would be better off without you, know that you are loved by me and all of these beautiful people in this comment section) don't give up. You have so much more story to tell. Now get some sleep, its good for your health. And don't forget, each day is an opportunity to start something new. Goodnight and sweet dreams, love"
  5. My brother, one sister and I all look like (as my brother has said) "science experiments," i.e., how can a person sweat this much with so little or so short a period of exertion? Because we have EXTREMELY EFFICIENT COOLING SYSTEMS. Most people DON'T, so they're the "science experiments," not us.
  6. I'm sorry you are dying, both figuratively and physically. I hope your end is peaceful. I'd like to share some thoughts with you--and nothing to judge or advise. I've read a lot of books about what (may) happen(s) after death. I was not with my late brother when he died, but his former Love was. She said she felt him go, and the wash of knowledge that came over him when his soul left his body. She said she could feel him say/think/feel, "What have I done?" as though he regretted some of the things he'd done in his life. It is said that your whole life flashes before your eyes when it's your time to die; maybe it happens just after. I think sometimes life on earth must look very simple from those/that other plane(s) of being. That once you get to the Hereafter, you see things you might have done or not have done. Maybe life is easier than we think--I'm not talking about ignoring M***** and abuse and hatred, but more about connecting with our source/spiritual life while we're here. Maybe it we do, we'll be more inclined to nurture possibility. I've been in emotional pain nearly all my life, and my body carries pain now, too. What to do? I don't believe in religion, organized or otherwise. But I do believe in eternity and the eternity of my soul. I believe I'll have all the time I need on the other side, but my time here is limited. And on a good day, I make use of the time I have. Thinking of you with love and peace, WOTL (womanofthelight)
  7. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! I can relate to much of what you've mentioned. I have boxes of things to sell on Ebay or Poshmark, but I can't get myself to photograph them, much less have auctions. I have to have oral surgery today and I dread it. Losing teeth is traumatic. It's a wisdom tooth (#32, I think), but there's also another one behind it that has to come out, resting perpendicular to the wisdom tooth, deep in the jaw. I have a crown on one tooth, have an implant for another, and have two other teeth that need crowns. What is this????????????????????????? OLD. AGE. It sucketh. That ball of distress with the escape of sleep is painfully familiar. I'm sorry . . . The lousy mental health care?! Ugh!!!!! I had a "therapist" (and I use the term lightly) once whose specialty was children, and our sessions were so . . . lame. All she had to offer was adult coloring books and hugs. I accepted neither and insisted on a transfer to someone new. Oy! Maybe you can be reassigned to a new person? It may be worth looking into. I empathize, and wish I had something wonderful and wise to say. But alas . . . . You're in my thoughts.
  8. Being mad at yourself for being depressed is your absorption of unfair and unreasonable social definitions. People nowadays pay lip service to "self care," but I think the majority of people still see depression as self indulgent and lazy. Horrible!! I hope you can forgive yourself for your sadness, grief, anxiety--all those emotions that our culture just wants to sweep under the rug. How would you treat a friend who came to you, depressed, sad, paralyzed, anxious? I KNOW you would understand. Try to see yourself as that friend who understands and treat yourself accordingly. I understand, too, that this is hard to do. It took me years. Take a shortcut, yes? Affirm somehow--every day!--that you are worthy of time and care and the freedom to nurture yourself. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
  9. It's still shocking to me that people who are not "disabled" don't think depression is real. Or real enough to make going to work possible, or if you do go to work, do a good job at it. They just don't get it that emotional pain is just as powerful and relevant as physical pain. I have actually, in the past felt, guilty about calling in sick because I didn't know how I would get out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my clothes -- there's so much to do before you even get out the door!!! I actually felt ashamed when I couldn't put on the brave face--the smiling face--and kicked myself inside for not being able to perform. Fortunately, those days are over.
  10. Ashamed of myself because I haven't achieved most of the things I set out to when I was young. Life hurts.
  11. Yes, being alone is sometimes difficult. I've lived most of my adult life alone, and only toward the end of that time did I have the kind of difficulty I thought I'd never surmount. I owed the IRS $14,000 because for YEARS I'd claimed three dependants so that I'd take home more money. I felt L.A. was just pushing me out. I was in a bad car accident, which wasn't my fault, but still, fault or no, there were injuries that I'm still dealing with today. At one point after the accident, the pain in my back was so bad I screamed when I had to stand up. I'd role out of bed onto the floor, and crawl around my apartment. For three months. I had some epidural injections which shrank the bulging discs, but which no one told me would wear off, and that I'd be in pain because of stenosis and the complication of scoliosis. After the car accident, I got hit by a car--not badly, but still . . . . Then, another time I was walking on the bike path and not the dirt path in my favorite park and was side-swiped by a speeding car; not enough to call a "hit," but enough to knock me to the ground as it zoomed by. (WTF??!! I asked myself????!!) It's hard to be alone and injured and financially compromised. When I got fired from my job, my needy, two-faced supervisor allowed my having unemployment benefits, so I figured it was a good time to just leave town and regroup in my hometown, which has turned out to be . . . .a long time. It's a long boring story, but I wanted to say don't be afraid to ask the people you know for help. You'd be surprised how willing to help they may be. It's hard to do, but it can yield miracles. I found a tax preparer through a friend, who put together an "Offer in Compromise" for me with the IRS. I was able to settle with them for $3,000 instead of the $14,000. And I HATE paperwork and stuff grownups have to do. But, paperwork is one of the things we unwittingly sign up for if we live long enough. You will weather this storm because you have to. All the little boxes needing to be checked, signatures to be had, paper, paper, paper. I have faith in you that you'll do it, though. Take those necessary breaks. Come back to it when you feel clear, no matter how many breaks you take. I'm rooting for you.
  12. Yes. The voice requires maintenance. I remember in recent years, hearing Joni Mitchell and how her voice had been destroyed (I thought) by cigarettes. Then I heard her on her latest album (I think), and she had RESTORED HER VOICE!! No doubt with lessons, but still . . . my chiropractor keeps telling me that the body is a regenerative thing. It wants to heal and be healed. (This, however, doesn't seem to hold true with replicative fading. Cells copying cells copying cells and the toner getting lower and lower and lower.) Hmmmmmmmm . . .
  13. YODELING!!!! "Jänzigrat-Jüz" by Jodlerklub Bärgblüemli Schattdorf (I can't find a translation of the title. Can anyone help?) It makes me so . . . . happy! Love it! I wonder if I had a past life in Bavaria?!!!!!! Yah. Life in zeh fatiland . . . Zoz ver zeh days . . .
  14. My parents and I were out to dinner, and I asked them this question (because I knew my answer [I had a couple, actually]!): What musical would you live in for a day or a lifetime? Dad answered Singin' in the Rain; Mom answered Sweeney Todd, and I said The Music Man. (I love the period circa 1915, and Harold Hill's "Think System." If you think it, it can be so!)
  15. Aw, s h i t, JD. I'm sorry to hear this, but relieved for you on another level. I know this job has been a daily misery for you, so being freed from that is a good thing, I hope. As for our ideas about work (that we don't love) and chains (that we hate) and "just getting by" as opposed to "living," I lost my job in L.A. in 2010 and left town. I had time to regroup and set my sights on what I wanted to create in my life, thinking I'd just slip right into the Next Thing. But Plan D did not work out as I had hoped, as Plans A, B and C had trickled off into nothing after beginning with success. But there have been respites, surprising new friendships and work on my health, which in recent months, seems to be improving. JD, I want to believe for you and me and all of us, that we are "on assignment" (I have a kind of Jesusy friend who refers to periods of time as such in relation to being uncomfortable where we are), and have changed where we've been for the better (like, say, Mary F u c k i n g Poppins). Your assignment has ended. You have one here at DF, and every time I read something you've written--no matter how low or high you are when you write it--you make that moment in my life better. You're wise. You're smart. You're empathetic. These are exceptional qualities, JD, and I have great respect for you. I don't know what the period between now and the Next Thing will be for you, but I wish you hope and success and eventually gratitude for the change that was not yours in deed (but had been so for a long time in thought--yes?). I'll be following you. You're in my thoughts.
  16. Hi, I wonder if things would be this bad for you with others (caring for you) if you were seeing them in person. Maybe you are seeing them in person . . . yes? I moved back to my home town a few years ago and had no friends. So I started going to a "Meetup" group (do they have those where you are?) every other week and it took time for me to ask to meet someone socially, but I did, and she has turned out to be a good friend. However, she is one to highjack a conversation by ONLY talking about herself if I let it happen. I told her my perspective, and she was very apologetic and vowed to be aware of it when we were together. She's good most of the time, and when she's not, she doesn't resent my saying so. There developed a strange change of habit, however, with another one or two other people from the group (it's a group focused on "Law of Attraction") who were joining us on a regular basis for late dinners after the meeting, and even getting together socially on the weekends. I finally thought I had a social life until it just STOPPED suddenly. They weren't available to go out afterwards, or on weekends. I confronted one of them about it--not accusatorily, just heart-open, wondering what was up. I asked if I had done something to offend her, told her I missed her company--and she FROZE. There was OBVIOUSLY something wrong, but she lied and said everything was fine. I don't know if this turnabout came because she asked me once when we were alone, "how do you deal with C__________ talking nonstop?" I told her I was just up front about C's sometimes inconsiderate lack of courtesy in conversation, and she replied "I guess I just don't have that kind of relationship with her." But, we have only spoken impersonally since--and it's strange. I figured I did what I could to address the situation, and having learned that if one person doesn't want the friendship or romantic relationship, the relationship must be let go. It still smarts, but I've found that most people just . . . don't know how to have a direct and truthful conversation. If you feel a friendship is worth it, just ask the other person(s) what's up--why you don't hear from them, etc. There's nothing wrong with you.
  17. Yes, I've both given and received the silent treatment. I've not given it in many years--and will never do again-- because I figured out that my silence, or their silence, was indicative of insecurity, fear of rejection and unexpressed anger. If they're giving you the silent treatment, the silence is the best they can do at this point. They probably have not given themselves permission to have negative feelings, so they can't speak to you in any depth just yet. Back off and give them the space to grow. Finding your voice, owning who you are and what you want takes a long time for some. Hope this helps.
  18. Hello, Bradly, I thought I'd respond to your post just to let you know that you're not alone, and tell you that I've exhibited the same behavior in my life. I've obsessed over a couple of lovers at various times usually because I've been at a crossroads and have had no idea what to do next. So my mind has taken me to thoughts of the particular man, brought about by triggers in my environment and circumstances. For instance, I'm once again living in my home town where I never thought I'd have a permanent home again. Being here, driving the same streets I did when I was in college, has brought up feelings of regret about one relationship, and I've found myself lately fantasizing about this man, though I KNOW we are not right for each other. (There's a movie [a comedy] called "Blue in the Face," in which in one scene, a woman sits at her vanity looking at herself, thinking aloud about her boyfriend, "Oh, Auggie! You'd be so perfect if only you were different!") Is there anything you like to do and are good at? Maybe . . . do something you like, and make a career of it. For example, set small goals for yourself--even daily goals--to recommit to yourself and your life. I have a list of six activities posted above my computer monitor, with the title, "Do Daily." I maybe do THREE, but I can see these six things are still good for me, and would maybe even take me to a different mindset--one of hope and possibility. Anyway -- I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace.
  19. As for shopping, I have over 300 items in my Amazon shopping cart. I can spend hours debating "keep?" or "delete?" Or looking for something else I don't need but wouldn't mind having. Another reason I like online shopping is that I DON'T HAVE TO DEPEND ON MY WALMART OR KROGER OR ALDI OR WHOEVER to have what I liked the last time but cannot find again. (I feel so pissed and disappointed that I made the trip to the store out of faith in a vendor to keep it stocked (*#$%#@@!!!)). Shopping online, I'm nearly always assured that I'll find it, if not in one online store, then another, and I don't have to run around town looking in one store after another. Disappointment is far more exhausting than going from store to store looking for s h i t I'm not going to find.
  20. Hi, KR1010 - I've been on MANY antidepressants over the years. I've tried nearly every SSRI and now I'm on Wellbutrin. Paxil was GREAT for the time it worked (I'm the only person I know who lost weight taking Paxil), emotionally, and mood-stabilizingly. Then, after a few years, it just stopped working. I felt like I'd been dropped off a cliff, and was in a morass of deep depression for quite a while. Fortunately I worked evenings, so I had a lot of time to talk myself into getting out of bed and going to work. But it was so hard. I've been on Bupropion (Wellbutrin) for a few years now, and I like it, though I think my "normal" is darker and more intense than other people's. I don't expect to be full of laughs and jokes. Maybe this is as good as it's going to get for me. I've never tried an MAOI. Maybe give one of them a shot? Wishing you the best -- WOTL
  21. Lee Marvin's former home in Tucson: 7,193-square-feet set on 6.2 acres; six bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. Views of the city and the mountains, a full guest house, a pool, tennis court.
  22. Hello, my friend, Regret is the HARDEST thing I've ever lived with. If I could create a ribbon to measure, it would wrap around the world twice, at least. It sits down to breakfast with me, peeks from inside the closet at night . . . it is with me everywhere and all the time, and I hear myself saying aloud sometimes, "Gyod, I hate myself " or "I should have died a long time ago . . . " But I'm trying something new. I realized I actually reach for those painful thoughts sometimes because I think I deserve to be unhappy because of all my bad, bad choices. So lately, when I'm feeling neutral, I try to create a new, painless thought to join me in my neutrality. Like, messing around with my tablet, or listening to music on my computer while I research things I've always been curious about; continuing with my creative writing to get through the sorrow (or the glory)--distraction, distraction, distraction. I think this mental activity can be practiced as one would a musical instrument. When I hold myself back with pain, it obliterates the possibility of a better present, a better future. So I remain inert and in pain that may one day **** me. I have to make a conscious effort not to go to the place of pain - and it's like developing a new skill. I don't have a measure of success, and I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and their successes, which only brings on more pain. And I'm tired of it. So. Very. F#$king. Tired. I empathize with you completely, and I wish you peace.
  23. Sick of grief. Sick of regret. Don't know what to do about either. Grief is not a journey. It’s a trudge through mud that tires the body, the mind and spirit until exhaustion and inertia leave you weak and heaving. I have been advised by those who know that grief never leaves, but transforms into something I can live with. I’m still waiting.
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